Evil - I know I’m not BU

[AngelL7]

I don’t know if anyone remembers my post about DD’s allergy to cats? A quick recap is DD has severe asthma & allergy to cats - her father refused to accept this at it would mean putting his new partner’s cat out, this is despite Dr stressing no contact with cats.

Fast forward from then we now have had tests done proving without a doubt that DD is severely allergic to cats (we have now been advised that it is critical DD is kept away from cats)

Yesterday DD was with her father & when they arrived at his house he put the cat out. However DD has informed me that after her father left the room his partner brought the cat back in and kept it hidden. She seemingly was unaware that DD noticed. Chillingly DD also told me she felt like it was done on purpose to hurt her. (I have always had the opinion that she resented DD because of her link to me so it doesn’t surprise me & I don’t feel it’s exaggerated)

What’s my next step here? If she’s putting my DD at risk is this something that should be reported? I’m so angry & afraid for my DD to be around her again. I don’t know if talking to ex will yield any results, other than a mouthful of abuse saying I’m jealous / lying

I know that MrsBertBibby is a solicitor, so am sure she's right when she says you need to go through the courts and apply for a variation.

However, as the mother of a child with very severe allergies, I think you should do this on a very urgent basis, especially given that your dd's allergies are being minimised by your ex and his partner.

You have a responsibility to keep your dd safe, and if contact is putting her at serious risk then is be calling social services and explaining why you're suspending contact in that home because of safeguarding concerns. I've no idea of this would do any good, but at least it would be logged.

Can you email your dd's consultant, explaining the situation and asking for a letter which clarifies the risks? I'm sure my ds's consultant would do this.

An allergy like this is no joke, and I agree with the previous posters who say that a nut allergy would probably be taken much more seriously.

Don't despair, you have every right to put your dd's needs first, and I'm sure the family court will see sense if you get all the evidence sorted out.

Surely you don't have to stop contact, just insist contact isn't in the home.

I am also curious as to whose house it is, I certainly wouldn't get rid of my cats, i would get rid of the new BF. I do wonder if he is prioritising the new partner and cat because it isn't his house.

dSs girlfriend is allergic to cats, she can come to our house but can't be in the same room as them and has to take a antihistamine an hour before she comes. Fully accept her allergy may not be as severe as your DDs.

Basically the cat needs to be rehomed or the GF needs to move out with her cat. The only other option is your DD not having contact at her DF's house, just elsewhere.

My DH is allergic to dogs (not to cats, thankfully for me, a cat lover!), and in the days when DSis had a dog we couldn't stay the night at her house. It wasn't a bad allergy in his case, he could tolerate the dog for a few hours if my DSis had hoovered before we arrived.

But it's really not on that your ex is living with a partner who has a cat, he knows your DD has a bad allergy.

MrsBertBibby, I know this sounds slightly off topic, but are we allowed to suspend contact without the court's previous agreement if we have serious safeguarding concerns?

For example, if a dad had contact due on Saturday morning, but was involved in a serious incident on Friday night? Or if the children had made allegations that he assaulted them?

I'm just thinking that a failure to protect a severely allergic child from a known allergen might be some sort of assault, or at least an urgent safeguarding issue. Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree. ..?

If your DD is severely allergic, just putting the cat out when she's visiting isn't going to help. I have two cats and their fur gets on everything. Even if they put the cat out and do a big clean, there'll still be traces of hair and litter and saliva and such on everything - it happens when a cat is in the house.

I have to say I wouldn't get rid of my cats for a boyfriend, BUT I would tell him to be a parent and get his own place that was suitable for contact with his child.

Does your dd need an epi pen for her allergy OP?

What a horrible situation.

I think there is only one next move for you. When is DD next due to visit there?

I would wait until you've calmed down as you are understandably upset and angry at the moment, then call ExH. Tell him calmly (and without mentioning the suspicion that it was malicious) what happened and the impact that it had on DD even though it was only 5 minutes. Explain that you do not want to have to put limitations on his contact but DD's life and health come first and that if this happens again you will have to go back to the courts with the medical evidence to ensure that whilst they own the cat, contact can not happen in his home.

If he goes off on one, stay calm, don't react and tell him you're happy to discuss it further when he has calmed down.

Good luck.

Applying to SS is another

Applying to Social Services for what exactly? What can Social Services grant?

I have a cat allergy - it is not nice whatsoever ... but to be honest even If i go to a house where a cat lives and is not inside the house, if I touch something the cat has touched and then don't immediately wash my hands - should I touch my face - my eyes swell severely followed by my face and I start wheezing. The same happens if my other half has worked in house with cats and I touch any of his clothes that come into contact with cats. Show him a letter from the hospital/doctor - to confirm her allergy. It depends how bad her reaction is .... it may be that it is not too bad if they put the cat out - but she could still suffer like me and lots of others even if the cat is out because it lives there and has touched things in the house. Personally if they're not interested in preventing her reaction I would insist that any contact is done outside of the house or at another family member's house with no cats etc. You are quite within your rights to request that stipulation via a solicitor based on medical grounds - it is a reasonable request - mention the actions in hiding the cat previously - it shows they are not considering her welfare. If he challenged this through the family court no family court judge would say you have not suggested a reasonable alteration to contact on the grounds of protecting your dd's welfare.

Reminds me of when I was a child.
Didn’t have any problems when real young as had a cat in the house but when my sister moved out with the cat I couldn’t go and see her as the cat would upset my asthma. Strange as it was the same cat? If your daughter has a reaction to the cat it doesn’t matter if it’s in the house or not I’d play it by ear and if she comes home ill make a BIG point of it to them and make sure your ex doesn’t take her there any more.

Surly he will see the effect it has on her and agree

It was a nasty thing to do but...wether the cat is there or not your dd will still be affected as it lives in the house and fur etc will still be there.
My son used to be allergic to cats and dogs until we got our own and living with them he was fine.

OMG I am mostly definitely not a solicitor. I know a solicitor will tell you exactly BertBobby did. (Except according to social services you are wrong about not sending them if the child is at risk.)

Social services will take weeks to investigate/complete a report and will probably tell you that as long as the child is safeguarded (not in the house with the cat)
everything else is a legal matter.i have found their decisions somewhat strange at times and as a result if I can resolve it without SS I would.

I'd trust court far more than social services, but from personal experience I would absolutely not self represent. Making court an expensive option.

Besides which this really shouldn't be a complex issue. If the ex isn't normally a git a short sharp shock should be enough to set him back on the right track. A decent mediator should be able to give his head a wobble

If your ex is a shit youre heading to court and your best step is mediation anyway. Or he loses interest at is point because he doesn't really care, Saves wasting money on solicitors and legal fees.

If I listening to solicitors my kids would probably still be going to their shit bag father despite having landed one with hospital level injuries. Not one correctly predicted or came close to the outcome of any court case or in the end where no court case happened. Barristers in court are fantastic. It's worth getting solicitors advice but I wouldn't necessarily follow it.

Offer contact outside the cat house, offer indirect contact if that isn't respected. Your always supporting contact but most importantly you are safeguarding your child.

Think you need to plan contact outside the house if she is this severely allergic then kicking the cat out won't be a sustainable solution.

I'd keep your daughter away from their house until this is resolved. Can she meet her dad at your house or go for days out with him in the meantime? The partner is clearly not going to keep the cat outside and you need to prioritise your child's health. In an ideal world the partner would do the same, but she's not her child and I see where she's coming from. It's her home, her pet and I don't think it's realistic to keep an indoor cat outside for long periods. It's distressing for the cat and owner especially in cold wet conditions (mine would have yowled at the window). I think you need to stop viewing the cat as a nuisance and work together to find a solution, even if that means contact with her dad happens elsewhere. Even if the cat was kept outside, it will still leave allergens everywhere.

I'd be wary of creating resentment and bad feeling if this woman is going to become your child's stepmother. Most people would be deeply upset and resentful if they had to rehome a beloved cat to accommodate a child who is not theirs and doesn't live with them.

I’m going to ring solicitor now. They moved into a new house together so I’m unsure who owns the house or if it is a joint venture. It was only supposed to be a brief 5 / 10 minute stop.

DD has been given an epipen- should she?

Turns out cat wasn’t put out outside, just in the garage. If she felt so bad for cat for the 5 or 10 mins it was going to be essentially in a different room why take it back into the same room as DD? And hide it only 5 feet away from her? Why not a different room? 🙈

DD has said her DF was completely unaware cat was back in. He’s usually a twat but this occasion it appears it was not his fault.

At best it’s complete contempt for the medical advice issued - at worst it’s malicious.

Not sure if this is relevant but She has form for trying to provoke people & seems to get a kick out of contfrontation. She has been trying her best to aggravate me since Christmas but I have been ignoring her. (I can’t say how as it would be outting. Ex in laws can’t stand her either, so it’s not just me

I don’t want DD to stop seeing her DF at all, I just want my child’s health to be safeguarded

Does your ex understand the seriousness of asthma and the importance of managing it correctly?

Does your DD have a written action plan - does it / could it include no exposure to cats as a preventative measure?

YANBU. Asthma is not an illness you mess around with.

One of the problems I've had with ds is that my in laws and even my ex used to try to 'prove' that I was exaggerating his allergies by deliberately exposing him to risk. I couldn't leave him alone with them for a second. Now that ds has a formal diagnosis and carries epipens everywhere, it's easier to fight his corner, but I do feel your pain.

The medical evidence is crucial. Good luck with this.

www.jacksongalaxy.com/blog/cat-allergies/

When I researched cat allergies for DPS DC's imaginary ones I found this article. The only thing is that your ex and his DP would need to be on-board with treatment.
Especially drug treatment for dcat. It can change the composition of the saliva, reducing the allergens. Obviously doesn't work for everyone, and needs to be done on a daily basis. This would have been our plan to try first, had there been medical evidence to back up the ex's claims.

I'm not sure how open to the idea your ex and his DP would be, or how consistent. Especially if she enjoys confrontation and is argumentative.

That's so sad for your child

OP you simply cannot afford to mess around on this. I have a daughter who is severely allergic to cats, to the exten that she will have a severe attack even if the resicent cat is not at home.

Your ex needs to be reminded that 1500 peope a year die from asthma attacks, most of them under 16.

She must not be in a house that is home to a cat at all!

Was the solicitor any help ?

I had a friend who died from an asthma attack. People seem to see asthma as a minor problem that can be solved by a quick puff on an inhaler, but people die every year because of it. Your ex needs to accept how serious this is.

Please don't try the cat treatment mentioned a few posts above without talking to your dd's consultant (who will almost certainly tell you not to be so silly).

The poster who suggested may be right about the imaginary nature of her kids allergies... but I doubt it. It makes me grind my teeth when people don't take allergies seriously.

Cat allergy serious enough to trigger a life-threatening asthma attack is not the same as getting sniffles and itchy eyes which can be treated with antihistamine. It reminds me of the people who compared their children's mild dairy intolerances with my son's serious milk protein allergy (anaphylaxis on ingesting tiny traces, and massive swelling on skin contact with traces on park equipment etc).

Hope you can find a peaceful and safe solution to this.

I also think your dd instincts are right and the woman brought the cat in on purpose. perhaps not to harm her, but to prove a point, whatever that point is. She sounds lacking in empathy and maturity. From the little you have said I don't trust her.