AIBU to be shocked at her request?

[Rollingon23]

I have a best friend that I met at university, and we have been friends for around four years now.

Relevant: not to blow my own trumpet, but I am considered relatively well off and comfortable.. and she is not. She works long hours and got caught up in a payday loan cycle which she has I think, managed to get out of. There was a time where she was robbing Peter to pay Paul. I don’t think her finances otherwise has drastically changed.

We have a give and take relationship per se. Previously she has helped me practically, and I have helped her also but mainly with money. For example, and not a comprehensive list, in the years that I have known her, she has helped me move, checked over my academic work, a few occasions I have needed lifts for various things when DP was not here (I do not drive), and I had spent a large period time in hospital last year and she was forever rushing around getting things for me etc. In general, she has been there for me.
In return, I have been a somewhat generous friend. It is not constantly but every so many months she would need help financially, and I will help her. Like, I once covered her child’s birthday party (£200), emergency vet bill (£400), bills in general, every time we do lunch, even the odd mortgage payment. Total around £2K mark since I’ve known her, maybe more.

I haven’t asked for it back because a) she has been there for me when I needed her the most on a lot of occasions and b) she would never be able to pay me back anyway due to her finances of being in a low paid job.

Today I sent her £200. She had some bill to sort out plus a £75 fine for dropping a cigarette (she couldn’t afford it and they was threatening to take her to court if she didn’t pay by x amount of time and I seen the paperwork issued to her). Anyway, I sent more then enough to ensure both will be paid. She should have been left over with around £25.

Also today, i won a large item on eBay which is collection only. DP is away working until Friday (last minute Job). I asked if she could take me as I know she was off tomorrow. It’s a total 20 minute drive there and back. She said yes and requested £10 petrol. I can afford the £10 but I was taken back by her request... after sending her £200 today!

AIBU that I’m a bit annoyed at her request?

I think you should pay for petrol, not £10 for a 40 min round trip though. You should also take a step back from paying for stuff, you're seeing your relationship as a business arrangement at the moment and that isn't how it works.

Well you gave her the £200 to cover her bills and fine, she's still skint presumably. So I don't know where you expect her to get the extra petrol money.

Maybe she doesn't have any petrol?

It’s not a 40 min trip. It’s total 20 minutes - 10 min there, 10 min back.

I sent her £200, the total she needed was £175.

I have started to realise that perhaps I have been over generous.

I mean, I assume the £200 was for crucial essentials. Which a surprise car trip is not.

But this friendship sounds odd and like there are strings attached. I'd remove money and favours from the mix and just appreciate one another's friendship.

If it's ten mins just get a taxi.

Perhaps I am thinking differently then. I don’t know.. it was a more of a ‘I helped you, can you please help me in return’ kinda thing. I will pay the petrol - I was just taken a bit back.

Give her the tenner for petrol and then never give her another penny, you look after yourself and let her do,the same.

I have started to realise that perhaps I have been over generous

Erm, well-yes!

I have lots of friends-I have never given or received any money from any of them; I would say that is an extremely unusual relationship!

This is an unhealthy dynamic in a friendship. Obviously you help one another out in practical ways but she’s become used to your generosity and you are expecting help from her in return. In other words, it’s more of an employer/ employee situation.

Give her the ten pounds and then stop giving her money. If you’ve never given her any information about whether the cash was gifts or loans and what the repayment terms were then I bet she thinks the money was given as gifts. In which case if you ask for it back she will be massively resentful.

She does sound like a good friend but you need to set new boundaries and just encourage her to make sensible financial decisions. If she asks have a set excuse ready as to why you can’t help any more.

Ah, I won’t get a taxi. I had got a taxi sometime last year after a night out and stupidly sat in the front and the driver kept trying it on. It was reported and that’s a discussion for another day. But since then I feel quite edgy in taxi’s on my own.

But if she's got £25 (of your money) to her name, she gets to choose how she spends it. Presumably you gave her the extra to make her life a little easier?

I would pay the £10 for petrol, as she might not have any money, but I would not be giving her anymore money, or getting favours from her, that way your friendship is on an even keel.

Rolling on- please try not to help out in future. I know it’s hard not to. People take advantage.

I have a “friend” who I paid to help me do x,y,z - I no longer hear from her unless she wants some work or extra money.

She would do fuck all for me if I asked without giving her money.

Yanbu. I couldn't take £2,000 off someone and not work out some way to repay it.

This seems to be an odd friendship. If I were you, I would stop lending money and stop expecting favours. I do think she's being cheeky - a 20 minute round trip would cost £2-£3. I'd be embarrassed to ask if I was her.

The whole thing seems worrying and pretty unhealthy on both sides to me.

It sounds like you're over reliant on her for practical things and she's taking advantage of that. Agree with PP, get a taxi and stop relying on her so much. Don't be handing over any more cash.

I don’t know of any friendships like this - it’s sort of as you’re paying her to be your friend / assistant.

When you sent her the £200, were there strings attached?

I expect she’s just spent the additional £25 on something that’s not petrol so she will need some.

It’s not that shocking

The other times she has helped you, was that off her own suggestion, or you asking her?

It sounds to me like she is living beyond her means, and will continue to do so as long as you keep bailing her out. She will also continue dropping cigarettes if she doesn’t even have to pay her own fine.

Your friendship is way too transactional

You have been very generous to her, even you say you are well off. I think I would not give her anymore money.

I guess it’s more the principal. If I hadn’t stepped in to bail her, like previous times, then she would have been screwed. I don’t think a twenty min trip isn’t that much to ask but perhaps I’m thinking that because admittedly I am a little annoyed. It’s great to hear other people’s opinions though.. good or bad.. I will pay the £10 anyway and will not help her out again in terms of money.

She was fined for dropping a cigarette? So she’s skint but can afford cigs at around £7 a pack? You’re being taken for a mug.