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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be shocked at her request?

144 replies

Rollingon23 · 03/04/2018 16:44

I have a best friend that I met at university, and we have been friends for around four years now.

Relevant: not to blow my own trumpet, but I am considered relatively well off and comfortable.. and she is not. She works long hours and got caught up in a payday loan cycle which she has I think, managed to get out of. There was a time where she was robbing Peter to pay Paul. I don’t think her finances otherwise has drastically changed.

We have a give and take relationship per se. Previously she has helped me practically, and I have helped her also but mainly with money. For example, and not a comprehensive list, in the years that I have known her, she has helped me move, checked over my academic work, a few occasions I have needed lifts for various things when DP was not here (I do not drive), and I had spent a large period time in hospital last year and she was forever rushing around getting things for me etc. In general, she has been there for me.
In return, I have been a somewhat generous friend. It is not constantly but every so many months she would need help financially, and I will help her. Like, I once covered her child’s birthday party (£200), emergency vet bill (£400), bills in general, every time we do lunch, even the odd mortgage payment. Total around £2K mark since I’ve known her, maybe more.

I haven’t asked for it back because a) she has been there for me when I needed her the most on a lot of occasions and b) she would never be able to pay me back anyway due to her finances of being in a low paid job.

Today I sent her £200. She had some bill to sort out plus a £75 fine for dropping a cigarette (she couldn’t afford it and they was threatening to take her to court if she didn’t pay by x amount of time and I seen the paperwork issued to her). Anyway, I sent more then enough to ensure both will be paid. She should have been left over with around £25.

Also today, i won a large item on eBay which is collection only. DP is away working until Friday (last minute Job). I asked if she could take me as I know she was off tomorrow. It’s a total 20 minute drive there and back. She said yes and requested £10 petrol. I can afford the £10 but I was taken back by her request... after sending her £200 today!

AIBU that I’m a bit annoyed at her request?

OP posts:

Thistlebelle · 03/04/2018 17:28

Your relationship sounds really unhealthy.

She now expects you to bail her out financially.
You now expect her to bail you out practically.

Neither side of that equation is without strings.

Is there a particular reason you don’t drive? Because if not that would be a better use of 2k.

catinapoolofsunshine · 03/04/2018 17:31

Your friendship is very co-dependant by the sound of it!

Are you honest with yourself about the extent you rely on her to drive you around and help you out with anything that needs a car?

Is she honest with herself about the fact she relies on you financially?

If you won't get a taxi, absolutely won't, but buy things on ebay which require collection you are taking it as automatic that she will drive you, without asking before bidding.

That must be really annoying.

If she assumes you will always give her money that must be really annoying.

If you stop giving her money (which would normally be very good advice) will she stop helping you practically including with driving and fetching and carrying?

Can you manage without her help?

It sounds totally unhealthy.

The two of you probably need to have a sit down and talk honestly about how deeply you rely on one another, and how to handle it going forward.

If one or both of you is unable to admit how utterly you depend on the other then your friendship can't really survive.

Kione · 03/04/2018 17:33

Hang on, you've helped her with over £2000 but are "shocked" that she asks you for a tenner?

gussyfinknottle · 03/04/2018 17:34

Pay for the petrol then stop subbing her.

CupofFrothyCoffee · 03/04/2018 17:34

I think that she's bang out of order. Does she appreciate the financial help you give her or is she taking it for granted? Why is she depending on another person paying her bills for her?

harshbuttrue1980 · 03/04/2018 17:35

It sounds like you are both actually giving and receiving similar amounts in this friendship - you have given her a lot of money, but she has helped you out a great deal too. I would pay towards the petrol in case she has spent the £25 on something else and is stuck, and I think its fine to keep helping her when she needs it if she does the same for you. It sounds more like family than friends, but I don't see anything wrong with that as long as it stays evenly matched and no one is taking the piss.

ChickenMom · 03/04/2018 17:35

You are being taken for a mug. She’s asking for money but smoking enough that she’s dropping cigarettes? Why are you giving her money?!? Stop. She sees you as a bank!

gamerchick · 03/04/2018 17:38

Pay her the tenner, knock the financial help on the head and maybe learn how to drive.

Original poster

Rollingon23 · 03/04/2018 17:40

I think some people are reading along the lines or not reading properly!

I am finding myself repeating a lot... I do not rely on her a lot, especially to drive around. In total of four years I can count on one hand how many times I have asked for a lift... around 3 a maximum 4 times.

At uni, she did read over some pieces of work but not every single piece.

I usually have DP but he agreed last minute to go to a job away because the money was too good. Also, the seller would not allow me to collect until tomorrow as otherwise DP would have waited around today.

she is a senior carer, her husband is in the family business which is said to be doing very well. He is a skilled worker but as it is family, they don’t pay him as much as he should be on and his loyalty

to the family business means more then ££. - her words not mine.

I do work but on maternity. My husband is relatively well off and we have a comfortable lifestyle due to his job.

OP posts:

cakecakecheese · 03/04/2018 17:41

I think I'd pay the tenner but next time you get a financial aid request from her you should add a caveat on that she gets some proper financial help, as she can't keep relying on you.

Original poster

Rollingon23 · 03/04/2018 17:42

Ouch Gamerchick... perhaps before you jump to conclusions, I’m actually not able to drive as off yet because I have Bipolar disorder, of which I had a very nasty episode hence hospital admission and the DVLA requests that I’m stable for so long before being allowed back on the roads - which includes learning, and rightly so!

OP posts:

Ryder63 · 03/04/2018 17:44

I feel it's a reciprocal arrangement - as a pp said the friend works long hours but finds time to help OP out with practical stuff. OP obviously doesn't miss the money given out over time.

Original poster

Rollingon23 · 03/04/2018 17:44

As previously mentioned, practical help has been a few times a year - not frequently.

OP posts:

Brettgirl · 03/04/2018 17:50

I'm not defending or criticising, but perhaps her financial situation is worse than you are aware of.
I was in a very similar situation a few years back and would panic about every single thing, what might only seem like a couple of pounds for petrol to one person could make a massive difference to another.
I did a friend a favour once and collected their husband from hospital, I spent my last money on petrol and parking, I think other posters are right, you have perhaps both lost sight of the boundaries.
That said, and being totally judgemental, it doesn't sound like she's turning herself inside out to get out of it.

ElspethFlashman · 03/04/2018 17:50

You have to start getting taxis. You just sit in the back. Not to be dismissive of your distressing experience but you're going to make yourself a cage of your own makibg if you can't get taxis.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 03/04/2018 17:50

The financial help seems to have been a few times a year too. Is there any direct correlation between you asking for help and her asking for help?
It sounds like the help she gave you last year was considerable, especially if she has a family and presumably works shifts in her role as a carer.
As a matter of interest, do you help her in any practical ways or is it solely financial?

FrancisCrawford · 03/04/2018 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SantanicoPandemonium · 03/04/2018 17:56

Could she have asked for a tenner because her car is literally empty and she’d have to put fuel in to drive you there? I don’t know what the minimum spend is when you’re buying petrol, or she’s maybe embarrassed about going and paying for a couple of pounds worth of fuel.

Not excusing her though, I’d be tempted to tell her to put fuel in the car instead of buying fags and not to expect a bail out next time she gets a totally avoidable fine!

Zoflorabore · 03/04/2018 17:58

I wonder op if you suddenly had no money would she still bother with you?

I hate people being taken advantage of.

You do not need to buy friendship.
Any decent friend would want you if you were poor or rich.

Original poster

Rollingon23 · 03/04/2018 17:58

I have also helped her practically... where possible. Last time was a few weeks ago where I done her a good personal statement for post-grad study (please don’t lynch me on that one lol!).

Nice to hear that, I guess I will just have to tell my anxiety that it must go away because I need to get a taxi. I never knew it works that way!

I have realised that I have been over generous at times and it’s made a somewhat awkward friendship now.
I won’t be falling out with her, and will be giving her the £10 but I will think twice next time..

OP posts:

Springsnake · 03/04/2018 18:00

I think once you give someone money once,you set a president for future requests.you behaving as a parent ( very generous parent) would behave..she behaves like a child ,by not assuming she has to pay you back...I'd probably say it's best to let this relationship die a death ,because I can't see her stopping asking you for money.which is wrong.and taking advantage

YouTheCat · 03/04/2018 18:01

Tell her not to drop her fag ends in future.

Springsnake · 03/04/2018 18:03

Just a small point
All that money you have given her
You could of learned to drive with

LucyGayheart · 03/04/2018 18:04

alas, I do have only 2 friends. Plenty of asscociates. I guess I help her because I am a good person but also probably because I don’t really have friends!

OP, you are my mother. Step back and look at the situation clearly. As someone said up the thread, this friendship is way too transactional, and you sound as if you are unconsciously 'buying' friendship with cash, and think that being the benefactor (a) makes you 'a good person' and (b) gets you a friend.

It doesn't work like that. Being the person who bales out other people financially, practically, or emotionally doesn't often make you valued -- often the contrary.

pepperpot99 · 03/04/2018 18:07

This type of friendship can never work because both of you are forever totting up what you think you are owed and it eventually breeds resentment. One of you will feel that you have been a giver and you will cast the other in the role of taker. Not healthy. It will eat away.

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