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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be shocked at her request?

144 replies

Rollingon23 · 03/04/2018 16:44

I have a best friend that I met at university, and we have been friends for around four years now.

Relevant: not to blow my own trumpet, but I am considered relatively well off and comfortable.. and she is not. She works long hours and got caught up in a payday loan cycle which she has I think, managed to get out of. There was a time where she was robbing Peter to pay Paul. I don’t think her finances otherwise has drastically changed.

We have a give and take relationship per se. Previously she has helped me practically, and I have helped her also but mainly with money. For example, and not a comprehensive list, in the years that I have known her, she has helped me move, checked over my academic work, a few occasions I have needed lifts for various things when DP was not here (I do not drive), and I had spent a large period time in hospital last year and she was forever rushing around getting things for me etc. In general, she has been there for me.
In return, I have been a somewhat generous friend. It is not constantly but every so many months she would need help financially, and I will help her. Like, I once covered her child’s birthday party (£200), emergency vet bill (£400), bills in general, every time we do lunch, even the odd mortgage payment. Total around £2K mark since I’ve known her, maybe more.

I haven’t asked for it back because a) she has been there for me when I needed her the most on a lot of occasions and b) she would never be able to pay me back anyway due to her finances of being in a low paid job.

Today I sent her £200. She had some bill to sort out plus a £75 fine for dropping a cigarette (she couldn’t afford it and they was threatening to take her to court if she didn’t pay by x amount of time and I seen the paperwork issued to her). Anyway, I sent more then enough to ensure both will be paid. She should have been left over with around £25.

Also today, i won a large item on eBay which is collection only. DP is away working until Friday (last minute Job). I asked if she could take me as I know she was off tomorrow. It’s a total 20 minute drive there and back. She said yes and requested £10 petrol. I can afford the £10 but I was taken back by her request... after sending her £200 today!

AIBU that I’m a bit annoyed at her request?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 03/04/2018 17:02

Yes, don't, it creates an imbalance in the friendship, and she probably feels indebted to you. Let her sort herself out. She will always need your help, and I don't think I could sustain that.

Original poster
Rollingon23 · 03/04/2018 17:03

I do struggle to make friends.. I don’t go through them like there is no tomorrow but alas, I do have only 2 friends. Plenty of asscociates. I guess I help her because I am a good person but also probably because I don’t really have friends!

OP posts:
simonisnotme · 03/04/2018 17:03

she sees you as a money giver/lender that she has no qualms over taking and never giving back
a best friend would not continually take money and not find a way of sorting their finances and at least trying to pay some back

SleepFreeZone · 03/04/2018 17:05

Rollingon she’s taking you for a mug, why are you letting her?

category12 · 03/04/2018 17:06

To be fair, it sounds like she's helped you a lot practically over the years. Are you sure you want to fall out over a sum of money that means little to you, but probably makes a big difference to her?

Original poster
Rollingon23 · 03/04/2018 17:08

Hmmm, I’m not gonna fall out with her. But probably won’t be inclined to agree to help her next time an unexpected bill comes up.

OP posts:
eggcellent · 03/04/2018 17:08

Wow, I think that's really cheeky of her and she is definitely the unreasonable one. But your friendship also sounds very unhealthy, it's not a "give and take" at all, it's you getting taken for a mug. If she's a good friend then I wouldn't say ditch her, but definitely stop giving her money and paying for everything, then see if she sticks around.

Snowjoker · 03/04/2018 17:09

I suspect it is easier for you to provide her with money than it is for her to find time ("she works long hours") to give you lifts and do hospital visits etc. I mean, reading about large sums of money being gifted makes you sound exceedingly generous, but what she gives to you is actually a lot of time and effort by the sound of it.

Bluntness100 · 03/04/2018 17:10

It sounds like you're trying to buy her. She asks for money, you give it, and in return she has to do things for you, like an employee. I also don't think it's healthy and I'm not sure it's friendship.

As for taxis. Just sit in the back and use a proper firm. You will be fine.

Allthewaves · 03/04/2018 17:12

I'm guessing that the £175 went straight onto bills, she's used to her bit for food or something and has no petrol in her car.

Stop sending money.

Aragog · 03/04/2018 17:12

#10 for a 20 minute journey is way too much - even half would be. Suggest £5 and stop sending her money. She has become too reliable on your handouts and it is now an expectation.

Likewise, try to avoid asking her to do things for you. If she offers that may be different - its not clear in your OP if you have asked her to do these things or she has offered to do them.

Try a different more reputable taxi firm, keep your phone on you and out, sit in the rear and send someone a photograph.message with the taxi's ID on - make sure the driver sees you do this.

TomRavenscroft · 03/04/2018 17:12

I don't think this is really about the fairly small amount of petrol money but is more like you looking back over the years and totting up everything you've given her.

Yes, she's been there for you, but you pay every time you have lunch?!? and you've paid her mortgage payments for her Hmm to the tune of around £2K.

I think she's taking the piss. If someone helped me move, helped out with my academic work, given lifts and looked out for me while I was in hospital, I'd feel that I had 'repaid' (I don't mean it as mercenary as that but you get my meaning!) them with something like one lunch on me, petrol money, a bunch of flowers and some chocs and a heartfelt 'thank you'...

Original poster
Rollingon23 · 03/04/2018 17:13

Practically, yes, she has helped in the past. Granted it is not all the time. The odd occasion.. equally, when she has been stuck I have bailed her. Hence why I was a bit taken back at the request. I helped her today, and requested a favour also. Which is will do on the basis that I’ll cover petrol (which I will).

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 03/04/2018 17:15

It's cheeky. Stop giving her money and don't take any more favours, It would be cheaper to get a taxi. I would tell her you don't need a lift.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 03/04/2018 17:16

It sounds as though she has become accustomed to you bailing her out financially and has replaced her reliance on payday loans with being reliant on you instead. But equally you do seem very dependent on her for practical support and favours such as lifts.
Thus you've gotten into this weird cycle where she feels entitled to keep asking you for money because she's given you a lot of practical help and you continue to expect the practical help because you're providing for her financially. This isn't good for your friendship as it inevitably descends into "score-keeping" and will become stressful for both of you.

I think the only way to address this is to stop giving her money and stop asking her for lifts. If you aren't comfortable getting a taxi then use the bus. If you go out for lunch either pick somewhere cheap and cheerful or many chain restaurants have a lot of 'two for one' type vouchers online.

ThePlanetGoesOnBeingRound3 · 03/04/2018 17:16

To be fair, it sounds like she's helped you a lot practically over the years. Are you sure you want to fall out over a sum of money that means little to you, but probably makes a big difference to her?

This.

I suspect it is easier for you to provide her with money than it is for her to find time ("she works long hours") to give you lifts and do hospital visits etc. I mean, reading about large sums of money being gifted makes you sound exceedingly generous, but what she gives to you is actually a lot of time and effort by the sound of it.

and this.

She's a friend to you, you're a friend to her, both giving what you have.
I wouldn't lose a friend so easily.
Quid pro quo.

LeighaJ · 03/04/2018 17:16

I would have offered money for petrol personally if asking for a ride as a favour, so I don't find her request odd.

Tistheseason17 · 03/04/2018 17:17

@Rollingon23
I think you are right to make that decision.

Can I suggest that (after she has dropped you back) you mention your funds are less now and you won;t be able to give her money like you did before. Otherwise, I can imagine that she has already planned the next large expenditure you will be covering for her.

I agree with other PPs that this is more of a business arrangement that a friendship and when you stop the handouts she will not be so friendly or accommodating. I cannot believe she has never paid you back or offered to.

dustarr73 · 03/04/2018 17:19

Every time she helps you out,you give her money.Her driving you is no different.The £200 was for a fine,it didnt include the driving.Its separate.

She has given you pRactical support and you have basically paid for it.From here on in just dont send her money,she will have to live within her means.

GreenTulips · 03/04/2018 17:19

Agree stop helping her out - she not learning by her mistakes

As you met at Uni I assume she has a degree and could earn more?

1AngelicFruitCake · 03/04/2018 17:20

This sounds so complex.
How does she ask you for money? I can't imagine asking a friend for money like this.
There does sound to be an expectation from you that she'll use her (presumably precious as she works long hours) time off to help you.
Do either of you have children and do you work?

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 03/04/2018 17:22

If you keep baling her out, she'll never learn, unfortunately.
It appears, she is beginning to see you as a cash cow, not good OP !

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 03/04/2018 17:23

*bailing

QuiteLikely5 · 03/04/2018 17:23

If you have a lot of cash and have given her around 2k since roughly your uni days then I don’t think it’s a huge sum

I do think it’s unhealthy and risky that you bail her out so much

Text back and say ‘surely £5 would cover it?

Tinkobell · 03/04/2018 17:25

I don't know what you've got going on here but it's a funny kind of friendship and not the sort I'd want to foster. Is she living beyond means or just a bit unlucky now and then? You sound like a money-top-up kind of friend ...if that exists?!