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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be shocked at her request?

144 replies

Rollingon23 · 03/04/2018 16:44

I have a best friend that I met at university, and we have been friends for around four years now.

Relevant: not to blow my own trumpet, but I am considered relatively well off and comfortable.. and she is not. She works long hours and got caught up in a payday loan cycle which she has I think, managed to get out of. There was a time where she was robbing Peter to pay Paul. I don’t think her finances otherwise has drastically changed.

We have a give and take relationship per se. Previously she has helped me practically, and I have helped her also but mainly with money. For example, and not a comprehensive list, in the years that I have known her, she has helped me move, checked over my academic work, a few occasions I have needed lifts for various things when DP was not here (I do not drive), and I had spent a large period time in hospital last year and she was forever rushing around getting things for me etc. In general, she has been there for me.
In return, I have been a somewhat generous friend. It is not constantly but every so many months she would need help financially, and I will help her. Like, I once covered her child’s birthday party (£200), emergency vet bill (£400), bills in general, every time we do lunch, even the odd mortgage payment. Total around £2K mark since I’ve known her, maybe more.

I haven’t asked for it back because a) she has been there for me when I needed her the most on a lot of occasions and b) she would never be able to pay me back anyway due to her finances of being in a low paid job.

Today I sent her £200. She had some bill to sort out plus a £75 fine for dropping a cigarette (she couldn’t afford it and they was threatening to take her to court if she didn’t pay by x amount of time and I seen the paperwork issued to her). Anyway, I sent more then enough to ensure both will be paid. She should have been left over with around £25.

Also today, i won a large item on eBay which is collection only. DP is away working until Friday (last minute Job). I asked if she could take me as I know she was off tomorrow. It’s a total 20 minute drive there and back. She said yes and requested £10 petrol. I can afford the £10 but I was taken back by her request... after sending her £200 today!

AIBU that I’m a bit annoyed at her request?

OP posts:

SimonBridges · 04/04/2018 09:54

Give her the petrol money but after that don’t give her any more. If she sticks around then she was a proper friend. If not then you know you were being used.

Clutterbugsmum · 04/04/2018 10:08

I'd pay for petrol this time (although £10 is way to much for 2 10 mins journey's).

But I would seriously think twice about giving her more money in the future. And certainly wouldn't have given her money to pay a fine for dropping a cigarette. If she get's into problems with payday loans then I think you need to let her. She is never going to grow up and have a responsible relationship with money until she does hit rock bottom.

UpOver · 04/04/2018 10:15

Are you the same age as each other?

BTW. Do you tell your husband that you give her money?

My suggestion after this is to wait a few weeks and then go and sit down with her and have a big chat about all of this. You must be good friends and surely good friends can talk about things. Giving so much money and her making no attempt to pay it back is really shady. It all sounds like odd dynamics.

holiday101 · 04/04/2018 10:16

Your friend although helpful sees you as a cash cow OP. I do think if you stopped 'helping' her there wouldn't be a friendship left. Sorry OP, I've been in a similar situation and it really hurt to find out the truth.

MissDuke · 04/04/2018 10:20

Like a pp, I was wondering if dh knows how much of his money you are giving to her? I would definitely try to stop this weird arrangement you and your friend have going on where favours seem to have to be repaid in some way. It seems like you feel she owed you this lift because you lent her money.

IckleWicklePumperNickle · 04/04/2018 10:28

People saying others don't get it as they didn't grow up poor is talking shite.
I grew up very poor and would never expect my friends to give me money.

Your friend is taking the piss and she knows she's getting away with it.

Don't give her anymore money.

Lizzie48 · 04/04/2018 10:44

True, I know that it's sometimes hard to live without a car. But often it's a perceived need because it's a long time since you didn't have one. I can't imagine not having a car now, but I survived without one when I was younger.

I did say there may be a reason why she has to have one.

Astella22 · 04/04/2018 12:02

I think you have every right to be annoyed by this. I don't think the friendship is that unusual - you have it to give her when she asks so why wouldn't you help a friend. However it sounds like she expects it now and asking you for a tenner for a 10 min trip is just a bit odd, kinda like she has no appreciation for what you have already done. I sense that you are starting to feel a bit used by her and if this is the case Id pull back and not lend or rather give her any more money.

willynillypie · 04/04/2018 12:30

KC225

Yes!!!!

Motoko · 04/04/2018 12:55

The OP doesn't have a car, and it's not a necessity, unless they're living in a rural location.

Because the OP doesn't have a car (although it sounds like her partner does), and she won't use taxis, she needs her friend to keep the car so she can get her friend to give her lifts.

category12 · 04/04/2018 12:58

Giving up her car might give her a bit of money (but she wouldn't make as much as it's worth) and public transport might not be appropriate or affordable for her needs. Plus it's not easy to find a reliable car again when she might need one in the future - she's not exactly in "walk onto a forecourt and buy a new car" financial territory, is she? So it'd be silly to give up an asset she might well need right now or in the future and not have the resources to replace it, for the sake of a small amount of cash she'll burn through in no time.

TooManyPaws · 04/04/2018 13:23

You said that she was a senior carer, OP? In which case, it's likely that she needs the car for work; my friend's husband does. Some private care companies make you use your own car.

Clutterbugsmum · 04/04/2018 14:18

Giving up smoking would save a lot of money not just the cost of buying them (aren't they around £9 - £10) a packet she would be getting £175 fines for littering either.

fearfultrill · 04/04/2018 14:54

I just can't understand people who financially help out their friends this way- i mean such large amounts. Surely it's always going to end badly.

Very rarely do I discuss finances outside of my family I wouldn't have a clue how much my friends earned!

antimatter · 04/04/2018 16:22

was wondering if dh knows how much of his money you are giving to her????
His money?
So OP is salaried by her DH.

The thing is people usually overestimate how much they given to uthers and underestimate how much theu receivd.

So imagine noe OP that she never offers you a lift and you have to go somewhere on foot or always have to rely on your DP. Is it worth fallong out with her for £10?
By all means stop giving her money. However you benefitted from her help a lot. Using her car and her time.

Tistheseason17 · 04/04/2018 18:52

@Lizzie48
Wow - you did indeed know a CF! Well done for getting rid! Can't have been easy for you

Avasarala · 04/04/2018 19:06

If you've decided that you're no longer going to help her out financially, let her know now.

Have a chat and say that you'll be unable to keep providing her emergency cash as it's starting to add up and you will need savings etc for the future - or whatever excuse/reasoning you want to give.

If you don't give her a wanting, then next time she's a day away from ruin she'll expect you to help as you always have and will be shocked at the refusal and left with no options. I know it's her own doing, but you've facilitated it for so long.

She needs to know before she gets in another mess.

It might be time for tough love - her husband need to put their needs first eight now and get a job paying what he worth or they need to cut down on their expenses.

Ivorbig1 · 04/04/2018 20:50

Use a company called shiply
You create a request for couriers in your area to collect and deliver on your behalf. You can use an eBay listing number too which makes it very easy to use.
Never a lender or borrower be.

Motoko · 04/04/2018 20:54

Have a chat and say that you'll be unable to keep providing her emergency cash as it's starting to add up and you will need savings etc for the future - or whatever excuse/reasoning you want to give.
If you don't give her a wanting, then next time she's a day away from ruin she'll expect you to help as you always have and will be shocked at the refusal and left with no options. I know it's her own doing, but you've facilitated it for so long.

^ This. If you don't, it will be far more catastrophic for her, as well as your friendship.

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