Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be shocked at her request?

144 replies

Rollingon23 · 03/04/2018 16:44

I have a best friend that I met at university, and we have been friends for around four years now.

Relevant: not to blow my own trumpet, but I am considered relatively well off and comfortable.. and she is not. She works long hours and got caught up in a payday loan cycle which she has I think, managed to get out of. There was a time where she was robbing Peter to pay Paul. I don’t think her finances otherwise has drastically changed.

We have a give and take relationship per se. Previously she has helped me practically, and I have helped her also but mainly with money. For example, and not a comprehensive list, in the years that I have known her, she has helped me move, checked over my academic work, a few occasions I have needed lifts for various things when DP was not here (I do not drive), and I had spent a large period time in hospital last year and she was forever rushing around getting things for me etc. In general, she has been there for me.
In return, I have been a somewhat generous friend. It is not constantly but every so many months she would need help financially, and I will help her. Like, I once covered her child’s birthday party (£200), emergency vet bill (£400), bills in general, every time we do lunch, even the odd mortgage payment. Total around £2K mark since I’ve known her, maybe more.

I haven’t asked for it back because a) she has been there for me when I needed her the most on a lot of occasions and b) she would never be able to pay me back anyway due to her finances of being in a low paid job.

Today I sent her £200. She had some bill to sort out plus a £75 fine for dropping a cigarette (she couldn’t afford it and they was threatening to take her to court if she didn’t pay by x amount of time and I seen the paperwork issued to her). Anyway, I sent more then enough to ensure both will be paid. She should have been left over with around £25.

Also today, i won a large item on eBay which is collection only. DP is away working until Friday (last minute Job). I asked if she could take me as I know she was off tomorrow. It’s a total 20 minute drive there and back. She said yes and requested £10 petrol. I can afford the £10 but I was taken back by her request... after sending her £200 today!

AIBU that I’m a bit annoyed at her request?

OP posts:
1AngelicFruitCake · 03/04/2018 20:06

Could she see it like this
You - well off, don't need to work or worry about money but can need quite a lot of practical support
Her - works hard but no money, kind and giving of her time to you, therefore doesn't feel guilty about accepting money as you have a lot of it, she sees you living a luxury lifestyle and thinks you 'occasionally' helping out such a good friend with money that you wouldn't miss is a fair enough exchange?

HeebieJeebies456 · 04/04/2018 00:15

It reads to me like you're paying out in order to keep her as a 'friend'.
Maybe you're not consciously aware of this?
How close/good friends would you be if you weren't constantly bailing her out financially?

I think you're choosing to ignore the truth because you fear losing a 'friend' when you already have a small circle.
She probably knows this and uses it to her advantage.

She had some bill to sort out plus a £75 fine for dropping a cigarette....they don’t pay him as much as he should be on and his loyalty to the family business means more then ££. - her words not mine

SHE is responsible for her financial state/affairs - not you - and she is not some helpless victim of 'circumstance'
She can quit the expensive habit of smoking to free up cash for bills...or her husband can work for a proper wage.
They don't want to sort their priorities out - they'd rather use other people's money to pay for the shortfall.

Stop allowing yourself to be used.

snewsname · 04/04/2018 00:31

Friends generally help each other out but that normally isn't financial help.
Stop helping. I'm sure your dh wouldn't mind if you blame him for saying that it needs to stop, then you can appear to be blameless whilst you sit back and see if she is still a good friend despite the lack of financial help.

Herbalteahippie · 04/04/2018 00:41

YANBU. She can start by smoking roll ups and not tailor-mades... save some money... or stop smoking!

EthelHornsby · 04/04/2018 01:08

Irritated, surprised maybe. Shocked - YABU

MarthasGinYard · 04/04/2018 01:11

Odd friendship dynamic

Creepy almost

Coyoacan · 04/04/2018 01:12

I do struggle to make friends

I've known people like you, who are lovely, but don't realise their value, and give much too much of themselves in a friendship.

This friendship will be much healthier when you take money out of the equation. Stick to doing her other types of favours. I think there is an age where it is harder to make friends, but that age passes and there are lots of new people for you to meet.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 04/04/2018 01:20

I'm sure you're both nice people, but between you both, you're both in this wierd cycle.

So break it.

Spend some time together without helping each other out. Just have some fun/a gossip etc

I'm sure you both get back on track

InionEile · 04/04/2018 01:29

Bringing money into your friendship is very difficult. It comes across as though you are paying for her friendship and she might be helping you move, checking your work, giving you lifts etc because she feels obligated. Feeling like you owe a friend a favour is one thing but owing a friend money gets you into a whole other scenario.

I would stop directly giving her cash and just do some nice things for her from now on - drop over dinner a couple of times in a week when you know she is skint, take her and her kids out with you for a day out or to see a film or something, your treat. Make it in-kind gestures rather than hard cash because you know she can't pay you back so it's just creating an impossible situation for her. I'm sure she feels awful.

And if she has asked you for £10 on top of the £200 you already gave, that sounds to me like she is just dead broke rather than that she is ripping you off.

KC225 · 04/04/2018 06:39

I think its cheeky. So what if she is broke, it is still bloody cheeky. She is meaning costly choices car, smoking etc.

Look into getting a cab, some companies have women drivers. Sit in the back.

You do need to change the dynamic of this friendship, if only to assure yourself that it is not based on her financial gain. I know she helped you but you do not need to keep paying for it. It is possible to have friendships with people who move in different financial circles and not feelobliged to pay their mortgage. Friends help each other out - not barter for trades.

What does your DP think of your friendship? Does he know the full extent of it?

KC225 · 04/04/2018 06:42

I think Union above makes a good point about nice gestures. Taking the kids out etc., a good turn as opposed to handing over money

UtterlyDesperate · 04/04/2018 07:07

If, as you say, your friend has been in a payday loan trap, encourage her to look at Debt Camel and see whether she has been given unaffordable loans.

Apart from that - everyone slating her has clearly over-looked that she is very time poor but has still made every effort to support you with the time you need. If you've never been very poor, you won't realise things like the extra twenty five will have been spent umpteen times - or that a tenner is the minimum most chain garages will let you have as a petrol spend. But you clearly resent her, and judge her choices, so perhaps dial back on the friendship - tell her, if you like, no more bailouts. Don't be surprised, though, given that both of you seem to be keeping score, if she no longer bends over backwards to help you, or fails to jump when you ask.

Lizzie48 · 04/04/2018 07:52

I had a similar type of friendship dynamic with a friend that I met at uni. It was very often me bailing her out, not necessarily financially but helping her out, and endlessly listening to her tales of woe. She actually told me to 'change the subject' when I wanted to talk about something that I was struggling with. It was always me making sure she was okay.

It all went wrong when I lent her a large sum of money, as she never paid me back, her debts were more than the value of the 2 properties she owned.

The friendship was at an end. It became too uncomfortable, the money was such a sore point between my DH and me. When a Christmas card came through the post, he asked sarcastically, 'Will there be a cheque inside?' She also went on in the newsletter she had included about an overseas holiday she had been on.

I think I was like you, low self esteem and therefore trying too hard.

BlondeB83 · 04/04/2018 08:26

Pay the £10 then never give her another penny. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet.

outofmydepth45 · 04/04/2018 08:30

Your friend has nothing, her time is precious but she gives you a lot of it.

You have unstable bipolar, this is hard work for friends, has she asked for money or have you been going into saviour mode ?

I may be completely off the mark and she might be a complete user alternatively she could feel she gives you every free moment and you treat her like a skivvy ?

Sounds quite symbiotic

Shednik · 04/04/2018 08:35

She probably doesn't have any petrol or any money to put some in the car. Isn't £10 the minimum you can put in?

Shednik · 04/04/2018 08:37

That exactly, utterlydesperate

People who haven't been poor won't get it.

CyrilFawlty · 04/04/2018 08:45

It sounds like the ways she has helped you are "worth" much more than £2k. I think you are being selfish and self-aggrandising.

Tainbri · 04/04/2018 08:52

It sounds like a bit of an odd friendship. Are you sure she's not just "friends" with you because you pay her?

NewYearNewMe18 · 04/04/2018 08:57

Slightly off topic OP but did you know that, unless your friend declares on her car insurance that she accepts money from you for lifts, that should she have an accident with you in the car, she will not be covered?

Absolute rubbish or you would never have car share, petrol money and so forth. She isn't in business as a taxi.

KC225 · 04/04/2018 09:05

Wow utterly and shednik. Big assumptions that people don't get being poor. I am sure the majority of people on this board have had times on their uppers. People get being poor what they don't get is a sense of entitlement being poor - doesn't mean they loss all sense of decency.

Had she had been broke (even after the 200 handout) she could have handled it a lot better. This a long term friend. She could have told OP. 'I would love to help you tomorrow but there is no petrol in the car and I have the left over money on xxxxx. I will come with you in a taxi though and help you collect the item.'. This would have been a much less 'grabby' response and given OP the option of offering to pay for the petrol or not.

The friend is living beyond her means - car, smoking, she cannot pay bills yet she is applying for post grad study which the OP has helped her with.

You need to let this friend know that you will no longer be able to help her financially, she is relying on you too much.

Lizzie48 · 04/04/2018 09:08

If the friend really is broke, she should sell her car on 'we buy any car.com' and she'll be able to afford public transport and taxis when necessary. The OP doesn't have a car, and it's not a necessity, unless they're living in a rural location.

Okadas · 04/04/2018 09:14

Tbh I feel for your friend. The stress of living paycheck to paycheck is horrible. Then when emergencies crop up it becomes a nightmare. She can't even smoke a cigarette without people judging and how dare she own a car or have any self-respect.

If I put myself in her shoes I think her asking for petrol money is part necessity and part pride. Maybe she feels like you think you own her now? "I gave you £200 therefore you should drive me wherever." Which is kind of what you're saying here. Her asking for petrol money makes it a favour and not an obligation instead.

DragonMummy1418 · 04/04/2018 09:19

Wish I had a friend like you! Lol.
It's £10, it's neither here nor there for you.
Perhaps she put £25 on her other bills?

orangesmartieseggs · 04/04/2018 09:21

If the friend really is broke, she should sell her car on 'we buy any car.com' and she'll be able to afford public transport and taxis when necessary. The OP doesn't have a car, and it's not a necessity, unless they're living in a rural location.

That's a big assumption. Running a car for me is much cheaper and more time-efficient than public transport five days a week for work. My car costs me about £35 a week in petrol, public transport would be £50 and take about twice the time.

Just because OP lives without a car, doesn't mean her friend can do the same. Lots of jobs aren't accessible by public transport, for starters.