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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be shocked at her request?

144 replies

Rollingon23 · 03/04/2018 16:44

I have a best friend that I met at university, and we have been friends for around four years now.

Relevant: not to blow my own trumpet, but I am considered relatively well off and comfortable.. and she is not. She works long hours and got caught up in a payday loan cycle which she has I think, managed to get out of. There was a time where she was robbing Peter to pay Paul. I don’t think her finances otherwise has drastically changed.

We have a give and take relationship per se. Previously she has helped me practically, and I have helped her also but mainly with money. For example, and not a comprehensive list, in the years that I have known her, she has helped me move, checked over my academic work, a few occasions I have needed lifts for various things when DP was not here (I do not drive), and I had spent a large period time in hospital last year and she was forever rushing around getting things for me etc. In general, she has been there for me.
In return, I have been a somewhat generous friend. It is not constantly but every so many months she would need help financially, and I will help her. Like, I once covered her child’s birthday party (£200), emergency vet bill (£400), bills in general, every time we do lunch, even the odd mortgage payment. Total around £2K mark since I’ve known her, maybe more.

I haven’t asked for it back because a) she has been there for me when I needed her the most on a lot of occasions and b) she would never be able to pay me back anyway due to her finances of being in a low paid job.

Today I sent her £200. She had some bill to sort out plus a £75 fine for dropping a cigarette (she couldn’t afford it and they was threatening to take her to court if she didn’t pay by x amount of time and I seen the paperwork issued to her). Anyway, I sent more then enough to ensure both will be paid. She should have been left over with around £25.

Also today, i won a large item on eBay which is collection only. DP is away working until Friday (last minute Job). I asked if she could take me as I know she was off tomorrow. It’s a total 20 minute drive there and back. She said yes and requested £10 petrol. I can afford the £10 but I was taken back by her request... after sending her £200 today!

AIBU that I’m a bit annoyed at her request?

OP posts:
lattewith3shotsplease · 03/04/2018 18:10

OP,
She does sound a bit of a piss taker, how she has the audacity to ask you for petrol money after all the money you've given her.Shock

You say you'll still be her friend, but wont pay her bills anymore...good luck, as she may not be your friend once you refuse.

orangesmartieseggs · 03/04/2018 18:23

Why are you letting her use you like that? Two grand that she's never even made any effort to pay back? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

You could have paid for driving lessons and your test with that money, and had some left over!

Petalflowers · 03/04/2018 18:29

£10 for 20 minute car journey. That’s a bit excessive. £20 is just under half a tank of petrol for me, and would cover 100 plus miles.

(Sorry of this has already been mentioned, haven’t read whole thread, but the £10charge stood,out to me)

willynillypie · 03/04/2018 18:32

Are people really telling OP she could've learnt to drive with the 2k when she has clearly said she has Bipolar disorder and is not able to drive!?! Jesus Christ - RTFT before making shitty comments.

OP I would be annoyed because of the principle. It's not about a transactional friendship, it's about you helping her in the way you are able and expecting her, as a friend, to do the same. I think as PPs have said it's VERY cheeky of someone to request money when they smoke and casually drop cigarettes about the place. Sounds like she doesn't really care about money because you bail her out. I would not be able to help myself and I would say something like "Can't you use the additional 25£ I sent you for petrol?"

I would never ask my friends or family for petrol money when driving them somewhere anyway, but that's just me.

DeathStare · 03/04/2018 18:34

I think you are taking this too personally rather than seeing it practically. You lent her £200 and you know she had to spend £175 of it. She has probably already spent the £25 left over on food or other everyday expenses. So the current situation is that she probably has no petrol in the car and no money. She is happy to give you a lift but she can't make the car go by magic and she can't magic up the money to put the petrol in the car. It's not that she's trying to fleece you, or that she doesn't value what you've done. But if you would like the car to actually move someone need to put petrol in it - and she can't.

Only you can decide whether you feel you've done too much for her and want to pullback. Personally I think (even after your updates) that you seem to have put in pretty equally in different ways. You are able to provide money that she needs. She is able to provide other things when you need them. I wouldn't lose that for the sake of £10 for petrol

orangesmartieseggs · 03/04/2018 18:35

Are people really telling OP she could've learnt to drive with the 2k when she has clearly said she has Bipolar disorder and is not able to drive!?! Jesus Christ - RTFT before making shitty comments.

It's not a shitty comment - she could have stuck the money in a bank account if she can't learn at the moment!

strawberrysparkle · 03/04/2018 18:39

Having been this skint before I would say she's used the £25 for food or something and hasn't prioritised petrol as she wasn't expecting another added trip. I know roughly how long my petrol will last depending on the journeys I have planned. A 20 minute car journey can be the difference between the red light been on and actually running out of petrol.

clyde5591 · 03/04/2018 18:41

Maybe another way to look at the issue:

At uni - she helped you move, checked your work, was very useful when you were in hospital
You - were good financially to her since and have added up the costs to £2,000
Its maybe time for you to address some items

  1. Driving - as you say your financially comfortable why not start taking driving lessons? I hated them and it was challenging but the best thing I ever did
  1. Taking a taxi - again do not allow one bad experience to prevent you from using again. Make sure you order from a good company, have your mobile and address to go to. Do not allow one bad experience to colour everything.

As you have bid and won on ebay a large item it is your and only your responsibility to collect the item.
Its a little unfair to your friend to demand redress so quickly.

Agree with OP - I would not give any more money but would become step at a time more independent.

DeathStare · 03/04/2018 18:42

It's not a shitty comment - she could have stuck the money in a bank account if she can't learn at the moment!

But she has said that she's comfortably off - she doesn't need to stick the £2k she lent her friend in an account to save for driving lessons. It doesn't sound like she needs to save for driving lessons.

In any case, saving for driving lessons still wouldn't mean that she could drive now, so would still need someone to drive her from time to time.

Lizzie48 · 03/04/2018 18:43

I think she probably literally needed to fill up with petrol and didn't have the money, so she couldn't have helped you without petrol money in this case. Running a car is expensive; I remember being the only one in my group of friends that had a car and being expected to give lifts without anyone offering to pay anything. People who don't own cars really don't understand the expense involved and you yourself have said that your friend isn't earning a lot.

The money you lent is separate to this really. It sounds like she needed the money (for the fine, that was stupid but it's happened now), but she doesn't have the money now. If she can't pay for petrol then she can't help you out, that's all there is to it.

museumum · 03/04/2018 18:43

If the cars got no fuel it’s very hard to put less than a tenner in. And she’s clearly skint so.....

chills32045 · 03/04/2018 18:48

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

Starlighter · 03/04/2018 18:50

TWO GRAND?!?! Yes, you’ve gone above and beyond generous! Confused

Yes, it is very cheeky but she genuinely might not have any petrol in her car - not fair to make a profit from it though!

I’m not convinced these outgoings are essentials either... £200 party for her daughter? Vet bills? (Is she’s that poor why has she still got a pet?? Pets are expensive.) Fine for a cigarette - she can afford to smoke then!

I think you’re being taken for a ride here. It’s fine to help a friend in need but she’s taking the piss. Time to rein it in.

gamerchick · 03/04/2018 18:54

Ouch Gamerchick... perhaps before you jump to conclusions

I wasn’t having a dig, I was going in the information given.

greendale17 · 03/04/2018 18:57

OP, She does sound a bit of a piss taker, how she has the audacity to ask you for petrol money after all the money you've given her.

^I agree.

dissapointedafternoon · 03/04/2018 18:59

That's not over generous

Pay for the petrol she wouldn't have to use otherwise

And that £25 shouldn't be with t&c apply

Give money or don't give it but don't resent her for it that's mean

Original poster
Rollingon23 · 03/04/2018 19:01

I don’t need to save for driving lessons. I would absolutely love to learn how to drive but legally, at this present time, I am unable to. I am not partial to break the law either and I know when I am poorly, I can put other people at risk and that’s something I don’t want on my conscience if that situation arises... plus I don’t look good in orange!

I appreciate the replies, a very mixed opinion but nevertheless, I do appreciate it.

The dog was very poorly and since died recently. She needed a lot of vet care. Insurance only paid so much per year..

I don’t know how much petrol is as I don’t drive. So I assumed the £10 was correct.
Maps say it is 10 mins there, and 10 mins back approximately..

Yes, I agree. It has turned out to be a weird friendship now... and looking back, though I don’t essentially need the money, it is a lot and could have done something else with it but it’s done now.

OP posts:
DearyDearyDeary · 03/04/2018 19:06

So, one taxi driver makes a pass at you, and you distrust all of them. Fair enough, your call.

But this friend is treating you as a cashpoint, and that's OK?

HundredMilesAnHour · 03/04/2018 19:20

I think you should give your friend the benefit of the doubt this time. Some of us on this thread know what it's like when you literally have NO money. I still remember a weekend when I was a student when my flatmate and I had only 7 pence between us. So we didn't eat for a weekend, we drank water and we walked everywhere. We didn't have any choice other than living hand to mouth and struggling to barely cover our bills. (I'm very glad those days are way behind me but it taught me a lot).

It does sound like you and your friend have got yourself into an unhealthy cycle that you need to break. But it also sounds like she's been a good friend to you. Maybe rather than keep bailing her out, you can help her learn how to manage her money a little better and support her that way. For example, if she would consider giving up smoking, it'd save her (and you!) the cost of both cigarettes and fines. It might be hard to do this without sounding patronising but if you try to help as a concerned friend, maybe she'll listen and maybe it will help her find her way out of what is clearly a miserable financial hell to live in.

ShapelyBingoWing · 03/04/2018 19:30

smoking enough that she’s dropping cigarettes

I don't think people drop cigarettes because they're just holding too many Grin

I have to ask OP because it doesn't read this way to me... Is she actually asking you for money on these occasions? How does the conversation go? Particularly the ones where she's asking you for whole mortgage payments, rather than small amounts to top up what they have, despite there being 2 earners in her household?

Motoko · 03/04/2018 19:32

Most petrol stations have a £10 minimum spend on petrol (although at some, it may only be a fiver), so if her car is running on fumes, she would need to put in £10 worth.

I agree Op's being over generous. £200 for a party? That's a luxury, not a necessity, the child could have had a party at home with a few friends, sandwiches, nibbles and a cake, with party bags made up of things from Poundland, from the party bag section.
Sometimes paying their mortgage? They don't need money, they need budgeting advice.

I do wonder whether the friend will be quite so helpful, or even still hang around, once OP stops the handouts though.

CarrotVan · 03/04/2018 19:33

You can hire couriers to collect eBay purchases unless it’s cash on collection but it will cost more than £10

SShaming · 03/04/2018 19:35

Slightly off topic OP but did you know that, unless your friend declares on her car insurance that she accepts money from you for lifts, that should she have an accident with you in the car, she will not be covered?

Something to think about.

LemonysSnicket · 03/04/2018 19:36

Sounds a bit like you’re using you giving her money as a way to trap her into always having to help you.

Motoko · 03/04/2018 19:36

Oh, something I've just remembered, re taxis. Do you have any all female cab companies where you are OP.? I used to use one when I worked on late shift. Might be an idea to have a look, alternatively, you could ask the taxi company if they have any female cabbies on.