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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DD that she looked fat in that?

688 replies

ShushTush · 02/04/2018 00:45

DD is 20 and has fluctuated between a size 10-16 since she hit puberty.

At her biggest she was a size 16 a few years back and it really affected her confidence. It was mainly due to bingeing on family packs of sweets and chocolate.

She was going out tonight with a cropped top on and it really wasn't all that flattering (she's a size 12 at the moment) and I immediately told her as I didn't want anyone else to. Obviously she was very pissed off and insisted she looked fine so I said her opinion was all that matters and off she went.

I feel crap now of course. I had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky and she should exercise more. I always advise exercise rather than diets as she's tried really restrictive ones before.

I'm overweight with a lot to lose (since DC) and I've told her that I don't want her to end up like me as it creeps on slowly so she needs to keep on top of it, not to put her down but so she doesn't end up like me.

WIBU. Hate to think of her going out feeling like crap Sad.

OP posts:
NutElla5x · 02/04/2018 08:11

and I immediately told her as I didn't want anyone else to. Newsflash:Not everyone's as rude and judgemental as you.
At her biggest she was a size 16 a few years back and it really affected her confidence. It was mainly due to bingeing on family packs of sweets and chocolate. Bought by you or her?
I'm overweight with a lot to lose (since DC) Don't blame having your child for your weight gain,take responsibility and lead by example.

OneStepSideways · 02/04/2018 08:12

I think you could have put it more tactfully but not unreasonable to tell her it wasn't flattering. I would have said something about crop tops only look good if you have very toned abs rather than saying she looked fat!

Bluesheep8 · 02/04/2018 08:13

This is a difficult situation. When I was just a little older than your DD, my mum sat me down and told me that I was very overweight and needed to do something about it. She struggled with weight herself at the time and explained that she was only telling me because she lived me and that it was very difficult for her to say but she had to say it as my mother. I'm thankful to her to this day as it meant that with her support, I joined ww and have been slim ever since (with a lot of effort) over the last 20 odd years. I don't think you're wrong to say something, as long as it's coming from the right place, but I do think that the words need to be very carefully chosen and the conversation better planned...

TeachesOfPeaches · 02/04/2018 08:13

I see plenty of size 12/14/16+ girls in crop tops and leggings these days, seems more acceptable since they aspire more to Kardashian than Kate Moss.

noeffingidea · 02/04/2018 08:14

Why the hell would you ever speak like this to your daughter? Would you say it to a friend?
Your daughter is an adult now, OP, her weight is her own business. Never ever mention it again, unless she asks for your opinion, and then in a way that focusses on her health and well being not her appearance.

Bluesheep8 · 02/04/2018 08:14

Because she loved me!

Choklitdoknut · 02/04/2018 08:17

I put up with shit like this from my dad for years. I ended up with body dysmorphia. Don't be so vile especially when youre overweight yourself. Size 12 is not fat ffs.

Bluesheep8 · 02/04/2018 08:20

I should add, I was a size 20 abd weighed 15 stone at 5ft6,so not a 12.

Hypermice · 02/04/2018 08:20

you’re setting her up for a lifetime of anxiety over her looks and a disordered relationship with food.

Well done. Fabulous parenting.

afrikat · 02/04/2018 08:24
  1. She will probably never forget you saying that to her
  2. It won't help her lose weight it will just make her feel like shit
  3. Don't mention her weight or how she looks to her ever again. She has a mirror, if she's happy STFU
picklemepopcorn · 02/04/2018 08:25

My mum was- and still is- like this. She says she means well, but it never comes across like that. I'm very overweight now, and look back on when I was a 12 or a 14 with sadness that I didn't enjoy it and appreciate it more.

No one else has ever made the rude personal remarks my mum has. Other people tell me I look great. Only she tells me when she doesn't like what I am wearing.

I avoid her, when I can, and spend time with her out of duty. You really aren't helping her physical or mental health and you are damaging your relationship.

MrsGorilla · 02/04/2018 08:26

Yy afrikat

Shen0102 · 02/04/2018 08:27

As OP is her mother I'd like to think she's coming for a good place as I too would like my mum to tell me if something didn't fit me or if I was looking fat so I can do something about it.

A lot of people are reflecting this situation on their lives e.g their mother said it and they're now heart broken..or maybe they're a size 16/18/20 who are trying to lose weight and hearing that someone who is a size 12 is being called fat is obviously hurting or demotivating them.

People carry weight differently if OPs daughter is too short then she may well be over weight. If you're all not gonna tell her that she's unfit and wearing clothes not suited to her figure then someone has to brave it and tell her.

I am certain some of you will be one of those people who whisper when someone turns up at a party wearing something unflattering..strangers will always whisper and those who really care about you will speak up.

Treaclepie19 · 02/04/2018 08:27

It's not refreshing honesty like you think, it's being mean.
Your daughter can make her own decisions on what looks good on her body. She doesn't need your input.
Believe me, it'll stick in her mind forever.

ferntwist · 02/04/2018 08:28

YANBU. Crop tops usually do look awful on anyone who’s not super skinny. No idea why young women have to show so much flesh anyway. And sorry to disagree with previous poster so but size 12 is so big these days that it can be overweight, especially for a short person.
You’re right to encourage your daughter not to let herself get fat. There’s an obesity epidemic in this country for a reason.

Longislandicetee · 02/04/2018 08:28

I was horrified reading your OP and increasingly horrified as you tried to defend the indefensible with 99% of posters telling you you're mean. You feel crap, but not crap enough to take on board what everyone is saying. I would put money on your "helpful" comments being a contributing factor for the yo-yoing in her weight? Are you bullying your dd because you're jealous?

TheHobbitMum · 02/04/2018 08:29

Bloody hell OP that's an awful thing to say!

FinallyHere · 02/04/2018 08:30

I was a size 8 until I had my first DC at 25. I put on weight (size 20 now) as I didn't look after myself or make time for myself, and had no one to help out. I won't let that happen to her or any future DILs I have.

Just wondering why you think that it is so much easier to control your DD (and DDiL)'s weight, than your own? Surely the level of control you have over your own consumption of food is absolute in a way that it will never be over anyone else?

Now would be a good time to start a healthier lifestyle for yourself, to show rather than tell how it is done.

rosamore · 02/04/2018 08:31

This was a disgusting thing to say to your DD, OP. You should be feeling truly awful about yourself this morning. Not only did you give her something to feel insecure about before she went out last night, but it shows in your post that you've passed your own body insecurities and fatphobic beliefs onto your daughter, which is the most sad thing. As a mother you should be uplifting her and supporting her (i.e. As she's an adult, if she comes to you for advice - give it to her - but if not, stay quiet) not telling her she looks fat and insinuating that the worst thing to be is fat. It may be okay for now, but what about when she has children and her body changes? She'll be in exactly the same state at you mentally.

You're not alone, OP, my mother has tormented me for being a size 12 over a 6 or 8 like my sisters (I had 3 kids in a year ffs!) my whole life, even after my sister was hospitalised with an eating disorder.

Think about the consequences of what you say. Please.

GeekyWombat · 02/04/2018 08:31

So you've got wait to lose since you had DC. Your daughter is 20. Maybe in the intervening two decades you could sort yourself out rather than projecting yourself onto her and making her feel rubbish. She's 20 and a size 12. She can wear what she likes. Most normal people don't see a cropped top as 'chunky' in this instance.

My mum has similar issues around weight - she was big when she had me, lost 18 stone, put most of it back and my life has been punctuated with her being on diets / off the wagon. Atkins, Carol Vorderman's juices, Slimming World, Weight Watchers, Rosemary Conley. She's done them all. I grew up big (at my biggest a 22) and have recently lost a lot of weight and come down to a 10. I'm nearly 40 now and still this is something that my mum feels she can talk about and she seems to see some kind of invisible competition where there isn't one. It sounds like you could be the same. Sort yourself out, don't worry about her.

Your weight is your weight and hers is hers. It's none of your business. And if you wouldn't say that to one of your friends then you have no business saying it to your daughter when one would hope you love her even more and don't want to hurt her feelings.

SoupDragon · 02/04/2018 08:31

What have you done to sort your own weight out, OP?

Imagine you were going out and felt good about how you looked and someone said “you look fat in that”.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 02/04/2018 08:36

I won't let that happen to her or any future DILs I have.

Oh dear God.

Hypermice · 02/04/2018 08:36

You’re right to encourage your daughter not to let herself get fat.

You do that by concentrating on having a healthy family diet and encouraging your kids to get outdoors and do active things, bike places, be healthy and generally work as family to be healthy. Go have a weekend climbing hills in the peaks, or try windsurfing as a family and have a good laugh doing it, or get out on your bikes and have a nice day out cycling. Healthy active lifestyle and good food. Enjoy the food.

You do NOT do it by telling a teenage girl she looks fat. That’s just setting them up for a lifetime of shit.

MF49 · 02/04/2018 08:36

"Well crop tops and bulging bellies don't go do they"
Your response actually made me feel sick! This is such a horrible thing to say about your child. Please do not comment on ANYONE'S weight, it can hurt more coming from someone that is supposed to love and care for you compared to a stranger.
I agree with the other comments stating that you're not exactly being the best role model, if your child was overweight growing up, where did they get the food from in the house? If you're overweight yourself, you most likely didn't have balanced diet meals in your home. Deal with your own issues instead of making your own daughter feel like shit.

PNGirl · 02/04/2018 08:37

My mum has weight issues. I get a running commentary on how she's only had a banana and a salad and she's lost 4lbs etc about once a month. She's about a size 12, not built to be any smaller, and has never been over a 14 to my knowledge.

At 33 I understand this is her issue. At 16 I did not. I was a 10 when she started on at me. Unfortunately I remember every comment. You cannot take them back.