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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have told DD that she looked fat in that?

688 replies

ShushTush · 02/04/2018 00:45

DD is 20 and has fluctuated between a size 10-16 since she hit puberty.

At her biggest she was a size 16 a few years back and it really affected her confidence. It was mainly due to bingeing on family packs of sweets and chocolate.

She was going out tonight with a cropped top on and it really wasn't all that flattering (she's a size 12 at the moment) and I immediately told her as I didn't want anyone else to. Obviously she was very pissed off and insisted she looked fine so I said her opinion was all that matters and off she went.

I feel crap now of course. I had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky and she should exercise more. I always advise exercise rather than diets as she's tried really restrictive ones before.

I'm overweight with a lot to lose (since DC) and I've told her that I don't want her to end up like me as it creeps on slowly so she needs to keep on top of it, not to put her down but so she doesn't end up like me.

WIBU. Hate to think of her going out feeling like crap Sad.

OP posts:
BiologyMatters · 02/04/2018 07:38

She's a size 12. You're a size 20. Look at yourself before you bully your daughter.

N2986 · 02/04/2018 07:41

I'm torn on this one. My mum would tell me if I looked bad in something but absolutely do it in a kind way. But to talk to her in the way you talk in here is just cruel.

I have weight issues and am adament my children won't (while they're young enough to be kept on track) but we don't talk about weight in a detrimental way at all. We got the letter from school staying DD was overweight so we upped the walking and physical activity and I cooked healthier. DD totally unaware.

FrankensteinsSister · 02/04/2018 07:42

Just don’t, op. She knows when she’s gaining weight. Don’t knock her confidence.
My mum has been critical of my weight in that same ‘kind’ way forever, and it hurts so much. I still remember when I was a size 20, trying on clothes for a party, already feeling shit about myself. She told me not to choose a shirt I thought was stylish because the backs of my elbows were looking bulgy. Still makes me want to cry.

You can do something positive by helping her find an activity she loves (check out Girls Gone Strong), and/or modelling that kind of behaviour.

NewBallsPlease00 · 02/04/2018 07:42

I'm going slightlybafainstvthe grain here- size 12, especially on a petite frame isn't huge but is often a bit fat
I say that as someone that size who looks and feels so much better as a 10 because I've been healthy
The way you pointed it out wasn't ideal, if have gone with 'oh I love X top on you' but I'd lead by example- until you are a healthy size - and focus on healthy not thin, you gave little credibility in what you say

Dozer · 02/04/2018 07:43

“She needs to keep on top of it” to avoid becoming overweight like you?! It’s not OK - living vicariously - to overtly want that.

Concern yourself with your own health and wellbeing and let your DD live her life. Sounds like she’s at risk of binge eating/restricting: you criticising her size or clothing choices won’t help a jot with that.

saoirse31 · 02/04/2018 07:47

Yabvu. Your comment was mean, and reflects very poorly on you. Other posters are right, you're her mother and yet you make her feel bad about herself? Why?

You seem a bit obsessed by weight tbh. You should have some respect for your dd.

MiserableFucker · 02/04/2018 07:47

Well crop tops and bulging bellies don't go do they

Anything can 'go' if the person is comfortable wearing it.

80sMum · 02/04/2018 07:49

Gosh, I think YABU, OP!

My DD is a bit overweight and has been since she was in her early 20s. Sometimes she wears things that I think are far from flattering but I would never pass comment on anything she wears unless directly asked - and even then I would probably be kind.

TowerRingInferno · 02/04/2018 07:50

My mother used to say things like this to me as a teen (even into my early notices). Ive never forgotten or forgiven it.

randomthoughts · 02/04/2018 07:51

I remember wearing a short skirt when I was about 18 and my mum saying ‘I used to wear skirts like that, mind you I was thin’. 30 odd years on it still hurts. I think from that point I saw myself as fat (I was a size 12) and didn’t worry about putting on more weight (if I was fat already it didn’t matter about being more fat). I reached about 16 stone and a size 16/18 and was that size for most of my 20s/30s. I lost over 5 stone 2 years ago and have managed to keep it off, now back at the size 12 (I wonder if I’ve still got that mini skirt.....)

PickAChew · 02/04/2018 07:56

When your dd's own mother is such a cow to her, there's no wonder she binges.

Bel04 · 02/04/2018 07:57

There's a lot of negativity here. Here the good news- your weight is 100% in your hands. As is your daughters. You haven't been told either one of you has inoperable cancer. Throw away all the chocolate, sweets, fizzy drinks, processed foods, crisps etc.

You spoke about eating crappy foods cause you were bored, why not counteract that by spending time cooking a lovely healthy meal.

If I've misread this and you in fact don't have a lot of free time, utilise your freezer and some Tupperwares.

My partner was 100kg and managed to lose everything and got down to a very healthy weight. He started with diet and when he lost most of them started going to the gym to build muscle.

Eating fish, chicken and rice with veg was his go to. It's very easy to cook but if you are having a manic day, you can always grab some uncle bens, a pre cooked roast chicken and microwaveable veg (2-3 mins in bag).

Not only is being healthy in your own hands, it's super easy and you'll probably save so much money in the long run :).

Try and avoid snacking etc, three decent meals for breakfast lunch and dinner is the way to go.

I strongly believe that if you make a change, start eating healthier and also do some sneaking throwing out of any nasties, you're daughters health will also be positively effected.

Atleast you can ensure she has access to healthy and wholesome foods :).

And don't feel hopeless and say it's too late for you, it absolutely isn't. I promised if you keep up going to the gym (although it's very expensive haha) and long walks etc and also eat simple healthy food you'll lose weight yourself and set a shining example to your daughter ❤️

Mind and body are so closely linked, this means you'll also feel great in yourself.

Wannabecitygirl · 02/04/2018 07:58

Wtf?? Maybe suggest doing some exercise together instead rather than give her a complex.

Size 12 being fat 🙄🙄

Mossend · 02/04/2018 07:59

OP - Aibu
99% of posters - Yes
OP - no I'm not!!!

Why post if you think what you said was fine?
I actually felt quite sorry for you after your first post as I thought you realised you'd been unreasonable and felt bad, your subsequent posts make you seem far to over invested in your DD's weight and I can only imagine your poor future DIL's reaction

TammyWhyNot · 02/04/2018 08:02

Your value judgement about people being fat are woven through your posts.

Honestly, what you are telling her, and yourself, with all this ‘looking after yourself ‘ is that a valued person is a slim person.

You criticise her, with comments about staying in bed, eating an egg in the night (that YOU put there. For her. ).

You maybe projecting everything you hate about weight on to her. When you tell her not to be like you as a warning you are telling her is loathesome when fat.

Think this through. Read some books. Get some counselling. Talk to her. Apologise.

Why did you post if all you do is justify your comment?

Meeep · 02/04/2018 08:02

I would want my mum to tell me if she thought I looked bad in something because it didn't suit my current shape tbh.

TammyWhyNot · 02/04/2018 08:05

P.S: OP, I don’t judge you for being fat, I wouldn’t care two hoots if you wanted to wear a crop top. I’m sorry you were lonely and unsupported when you had your babies. Feel
Proud that you did it alone., rather than upset with yourself that you hit Gary.

And well done on meeting your own goals for fitness etc.

AlphaApple · 02/04/2018 08:05

*Your value judgement about people being fat are woven through your posts.

Honestly, what you are telling her, and yourself, with all this ‘looking after yourself ‘ is that a valued person is a slim person.*

It's not about value judgements it's about health. Being overweight puts you at risk of many serious health conditions.

LotsToThinkOf · 02/04/2018 08:05

I think there are a lot of precious responses on here! My DM was/is always honest with me when I ask her if I look ok, that's the point of asking.

If the DD didn't look her best in the crop top then the OP would do her no favours telling her she did in a bid not to 'damage her self esteem'. We are raising generations of people who cannot handle the truth or things not going their way, that's what is doing the damage!

A size 12 could have been squeezed on or it could have been a perfect fit, it doesn't matter. If someone doesn't look great on a crop top then being told after asking for an opinion should not be enough to push them over the edge. If it is then there's other issues going on. I don't think you did anything wrong OP.

TammyWhyNot · 02/04/2018 08:06

Er ‘got fat ‘ not hit Gary’ !!!!!!

SerenDippitty · 02/04/2018 08:07

Anything can 'go' if the person is comfortable wearing it.

Yes, and healthier by far to be a confident and happy size 12 than a size 6-8 still thinking you need to lose a few pounds.

LotsToThinkOf · 02/04/2018 08:07

And just to add, the reason we have such an obesity problem is because too many people are in denial about what it overweight. This is because no one can be told they're overweight incase we upset them.

TammyWhyNot · 02/04/2018 08:07

AlphaApple: I agree with you. But an objective opinion about health is not the same as a value judgement about fat.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 02/04/2018 08:07

Not what you want to hear from your Mum, better coming from her friends. She has a mirror, it's her decision to make.

TammyWhyNot · 02/04/2018 08:09

AlphaApple ; or rather ‘a value judgement about a fat person’

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