Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DD that she looked fat in that?

688 replies

ShushTush · 02/04/2018 00:45

DD is 20 and has fluctuated between a size 10-16 since she hit puberty.

At her biggest she was a size 16 a few years back and it really affected her confidence. It was mainly due to bingeing on family packs of sweets and chocolate.

She was going out tonight with a cropped top on and it really wasn't all that flattering (she's a size 12 at the moment) and I immediately told her as I didn't want anyone else to. Obviously she was very pissed off and insisted she looked fine so I said her opinion was all that matters and off she went.

I feel crap now of course. I had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky and she should exercise more. I always advise exercise rather than diets as she's tried really restrictive ones before.

I'm overweight with a lot to lose (since DC) and I've told her that I don't want her to end up like me as it creeps on slowly so she needs to keep on top of it, not to put her down but so she doesn't end up like me.

WIBU. Hate to think of her going out feeling like crap Sad.

OP posts:
Joey7t8 · 02/04/2018 08:37

If you can’t rely on your mum to give an honest opinion, then who will? I’d rather be told that something I’m wearing doesn’t look as great on me as I thought before I go out.

Schlimbesserung · 02/04/2018 08:39

I can't imagine ever saying that to anyone, never mind one of the people I love the most.
Like so many others, I had this kind of comment from my mother when I was young. I wasn't fat then, but I am now! Years of eating to comfort myself because I felt so hideous have seen to that. It has also ruined my relationship with my mother and ensured that she is never allowed to see my children unsupervised.

lljkk · 02/04/2018 08:40

OP Not BU but if she can't hear the info positively then there is no point in giving it.

MrsWooster · 02/04/2018 08:40

I once read Dawn French saying that her dad looked at her ready to go out, wearing purple hot pants (or something) and saying "you look beautiful". She reckons she probably looked objectivwly dreadful but credits him with giving her a self confidence and self love that lasted a lifetime. You have done the opposite and I pity your dd and the dc of those who agree with you. I am fat, btw, and my parents closely monitored my food and weight and judged me and that lesson has lasted me a lifetime too.

Heartworries · 02/04/2018 08:41

You sound like my mum. We are no longer in contact. Dont put her down. Especially when she wasn't asking you. I didnt read the full thread. Just the first page

Schlimbesserung · 02/04/2018 08:41

If you can’t rely on your mum to give an honest opinion, then who will? I’d rather be told that something I’m wearing doesn’t look as great on me as I thought before I go out.

Then surely you'd say "Oh, I was hoping you'd wear the blue one, you look so beautiful in that" rather than being so belittling. Also, a size 12 is not fat.

PNGirl · 02/04/2018 08:42

Also, who says we have to dress to flatter our figures? Where did this come from? She can wear what she likes.

2018Already · 02/04/2018 08:44

YANBU and i’m amazed that so many people think otherwise. If you think she looks bad in it then let’s be honest everyone else probably would too (including everyone on here) and yeah, at 20, I’d rather hear it from my mum than someone else. As if no other child in the history of time was told ‘you’re not going out dressed like that’.

Hang on, that’d be counted as dreadful slut shaming on today’s Mumsnet rather than you know, standard parental advice.

Once again, most posts are a pile of personal attacks on the OP while claiming she’s the meanie. Did it occur to you that the OP might be sensitive about this herself? Course not, you don’t care, you’re just here to dole out a bashing.

Anditstartsagain · 02/04/2018 08:45

How about you get your shit together and be an example not sit stuffing your face while lecturing other people on there weight.

If someone who was a size 20 told me I look fat i'd br bringing them a mirror and letting them to sort themselves out before commenting on how I look.

You've some cheek to go on about not wanting her to get fat then sit there morbidly obese.

Piffle11 · 02/04/2018 08:45

My parents used to say this sort of thing to me when I was in my late teens: I was a size 12 at 5ft 7 and I have had issues with weight/food ever since (now late 40s). My DM was always a size 16-18 (at at that size was the smallest by far of any female in the family, so clearly I wasn't cut out to be willowy) and berated me about what I should be doing to make sure I didn't 'end up like auntie X' (size 26). Even today my DM maintains that I was 'fat' and that what she did was correct: I really resent her for it.

ParkayFloor · 02/04/2018 08:48

OP initially I almost saw your point of view but after your updates you sound deluded and annoying.

If you are the oracle of weight loss and control, so much so that you can sort it out for every female in your family, why don't you lose weight yourself and become a healthy weight? That would be much more inspiring and better for your daughter than you making snide comments about crop tops.

Seriously the only way to help her is to lose weight and model healthy eating habits but for some reason you won't?

Lizzie48 · 02/04/2018 08:48

That was a really horrible thing to say to your DD, OP. My DM used to say really unkind things about my weight, and she used to use the excuse that she was trying to be helpful to me as well.

The worst one was when she threatened me with, 'We'll weigh you in a month's time and if you've put on any weight I'll smack you.' I was still growing then!!

I've struggled with yo-yo dieting for years, I fluctuate between sizes 10 and 18. (I'm size 12/14 now, and 5'7 so not too bad.) I've been struggling with eating disorders as well, particularly last year when I went through a phase of throwing up after eating.

I've only just learned how to stand up to my DM and not let her get to me. I try to never make comments about my weight in front of my DDs, who are already overly concerned about their body shape. They're really skinny but worry about looking fat in what they're wearing, at 9 and 6. (I blame the Disney princesses and Barbie, I certainly don't talk about weight.)

PeppermintPasty · 02/04/2018 08:49

All these people on here saying they would rather be told, that the mother is only trying to help...try walking in other posters' shoes. There are an overwhelming number of posters on here who have had direct experience of how damaging this sort of thing is. Eating disorders are no joke. Damage to self esteem and confidence can last a lifetime.

When the OP made comments (she seems to have disappeared), she was defensive, failing to take other views on board. What a surprise. This sort of thing tends to go hand in hand with a strong idea that you are (always?) right.

I'm another one who has a mother who did this all my life. I was the tallest girl in the family, and I now know I wasn't fat, but my mother would regularly refer to me as 'the fat one of the family' in public. Of course I hated it, but it was a normal thing to hear from her as she is a nasty narcissist.
If I ever brought it up she would frame it as 'trying to help'. In later years she would simply deny ever saying it, thereby adding gaslighting to the many fuck ups.

I too am no contact with her. No surprise there.

This isn't about debating whether a size 12 is fat or not (FFS), this is about damaging, possibly for a lifetime, someone's self esteem and confidence. Not just anyone either, your own daughter! Get a bloody grip.

Idontdowindows · 02/04/2018 08:52

Was it:

Mum, how do I look?
I don't think this really suits you darling, you look much better in .

or was it:

Mum, how do I look?
You look fat in that.

Cause, you know, the first one? Nice enough. Second one? Crap thing to say to anyone.

PeppermintPasty · 02/04/2018 08:53

2018Already the irony of your post, defending the OP from a 'bashing'. Jesus wept!

Twoo · 02/04/2018 08:53

I would just like to add for those that say a size 12 isn’t fat. I’m a size 12, yet I am still over weight for my height. I am about a bmi of 29, which is just under the obese category. In a word I am fat. I’m not as fat as I was due to healthy eating and still have 2 stone to go.

I think the OP was well intentioned but perhaps a little too blunt with her dd.

Skatingfastonthinice · 02/04/2018 08:54

Still o response to the question ‘ OP, why are you still fat 20 years after your daughter’s birth?’

Leksa · 02/04/2018 08:56

I'm short and a size 12. I'd say that 'chunky' would be fairly accurate for me, although not for people who are size 12 but taller. But I would not put up with unsolicited comments on my weight or clothes. I have a mirror. If I'm wearing the clothes, I know how they look. The same is true for your daughter.

She's 20. Her weight is none of your business.

As if no other child in the history of time was told ‘you’re not going out dressed like that’.

A 20 year old is not a child. I'd also say that if the reason you told a teenager they couldn't go out wearing something wasn't because it was too revealing but because you thought they looked fat? That's not good parenting.

Oldraver · 02/04/2018 08:58

You sound like rigtht cow like my mother. Forever making comments about my weight when she is quite a bit -substantially-- bigger than me.

Your DD wont thank you for it

Babipotjam · 02/04/2018 08:58

Your poor DD.
The fact that her weight fluctuates tells me she struggles with maintaining a certain weight.

Having someone be so down right horrible isn’t right.

Having someone be really horrible and your mum is worst still.

Saying your daughter is chunky isn’t tactful at all.

Why on Earth if it bothers you that much didn’t you just suggest a Zumba class together as a positive thing you can do together.

Hypermice · 02/04/2018 08:59

Also good god some of the stuff I went out in as a teen 😁 I was a size 6-8 and I probably looked a fright in half of it.

But that’s what been a teen is all about - finding your own style, and not really having any comeback to going out in hotpants. We have a whole lifetime of sober officewear ahead of us.

If you actually told her she looked fat in it that was really off and cruel. You don’t sound concerned at all - if you were you’d be all eating healthily and out for long walks at the weekend and generally concentrating on health for life.

Babyplaymat · 02/04/2018 09:00

What a dick. If she looked in the mirror and was happy with what she saw what business was it of yours to burst that?

clumsyduck · 02/04/2018 09:01

Yeh I agree with those on here that say it can be damaging I remember my dad commenting on my weight once as a teen ready to go out and I have never ever forgotten it !

Nikephorus · 02/04/2018 09:02

If she can't rely on her mother to tell her, who can she? I wasn't being mean, just didn't want someone else to say it!
You were being mean & you were using that as an excuse to do so. Your mother is supposed to be the one person you can rely on to support you, not the one you can rely on to destroy your self-confidence. I have a mother like you. I've had issues for most of my life because of it.
If she asks your opinion (unlikely) then it's okay to offer a tactful one. Otherwise just do her a favour and zip it.

Hermagsjesty · 02/04/2018 09:06

YABVVU.

If you really want to support your DD so she doesn’t end up with the same weight issues as you, you should focus on eating healthy and exercising yourself, losing weight healthily yourself and being a positive role model. But you should do it without comments or digs at her. And maybe when you feel better about yourself, you’ll be less mean and unkind to her.