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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DD that she looked fat in that?

688 replies

ShushTush · 02/04/2018 00:45

DD is 20 and has fluctuated between a size 10-16 since she hit puberty.

At her biggest she was a size 16 a few years back and it really affected her confidence. It was mainly due to bingeing on family packs of sweets and chocolate.

She was going out tonight with a cropped top on and it really wasn't all that flattering (she's a size 12 at the moment) and I immediately told her as I didn't want anyone else to. Obviously she was very pissed off and insisted she looked fine so I said her opinion was all that matters and off she went.

I feel crap now of course. I had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky and she should exercise more. I always advise exercise rather than diets as she's tried really restrictive ones before.

I'm overweight with a lot to lose (since DC) and I've told her that I don't want her to end up like me as it creeps on slowly so she needs to keep on top of it, not to put her down but so she doesn't end up like me.

WIBU. Hate to think of her going out feeling like crap Sad.

OP posts:
SerenDippitty · 02/04/2018 06:43

Op everyone will pile on you with their own insecurities. If you cant rely on your own mother to tell you the truth when can you? My Dm will tell me when i look ugky and shit in something. She has told.me i look fat in a particular top once and im a size 8. She was correct i did look fat. I appreciate her honestly. Maybe your DD will do as well. Its never easy to hear the truth but that doesnt mean the truth shouldnt be told.

And furthermore I don’t have children but honestly what kind of a mother could ever tell her daughter that she looked “ugly and shit”?

MrsGorilla · 02/04/2018 06:44

Well done for giving your daughter body image issues OP. You should never make a negative comment about her appearance again and always tell her she looks lovely. I feel sorry for her.

Pittcuecothecookbook · 02/04/2018 06:45

My mum and dad took this approach with me and my sister. Snide comments which were not constructive, about 'having to get the doorframes widened' when we went to the kitchen to get a snack. I look back at photos of myself and I was fine. However, the damage to our self esteems was done and I truly believe it's contributed to our above average sizes now. I'm a 16 and my sister is a 24.

SerenDippitty · 02/04/2018 06:51

A better message to give is that even if someone gives her a nasty comment it's their problem. Empower her to see that and be strong and not give a shit about others negative or mean attitudes. Otherwise you let the bullies win, don't you?

This in spades. My mother never made me feel that I was loveable just as I was, she was always saying I would be more likeable/attractive if I did x y or z and I still have self esteem issues in my 50s.

DrowningEveryDay · 02/04/2018 06:51

My mom used to tell me similar things - even when I was 14 y/0, 5'6", and 130 pounds. I believe it really contributed to my lifetime of weight problems.

TaytoAllDay · 02/04/2018 06:58

I'd rather if my mother encouraged me to be healthy than to over eat to be fair, but not comment on my weight.

I wouldn't mind her commenting on it now but at 20 I'd have been more self conscious

Bettyfood · 02/04/2018 07:00

Sounds like you've single-handedly caused her weight problem. Well done. Biscuit

Fengshui · 02/04/2018 07:00

Thing is, as I know from experience- even if the OP's DD takes what her mother said on bord and uses it to motivate her to 'lose weight'(how? healthily, or crash dieting in order to fit their mother's standards) what has this little episode done to the relationship? People on here have said how they resent and avoid their mothers' who have openly critiqued them. No-one wants to be around someone who is eyeing them up and down. My mother stays with me twice a year and before she comes I cut out all the labels in my clothes (I have done so from when i was 7 stone 6 to my current 12 stone 6) because she would take sneaky looks at the clothing size.You know the expression on your mother's face when she is mentally critiquing you even if she does not say anything.

I think a great deal of damage is being done to the relationship, and the OP seems to think it's just about weight.

And if you ask me- the 'obesity crisis' that some people seem to think can be solved by people being open and 'honest' about other people's weight isn't caused by a lack of openess and criticism. And the obesity crisis is not at all helped by social pressures on people to look a certain way and a narrow idea of what is an acceptable body shape that means that people revere thinness over health and which is hard for many to fit into and sets people up to fail.

AlphaApple · 02/04/2018 07:02

Size 12 can absolutely be overweight, depending on your height and build.

Size 12 is equivalent to size 16-18 from 25 years ago (I have a Topshop dress from 1996 that says size 12 but I can only just fit into it and I'm an 8 in modern sizing).

We are all kidding ourselves about healthy weights. And we're so worried about upsetting each other we don't tell each other the truth.

OP, I don't think you were BU.

MrsGorilla · 02/04/2018 07:04

It doesn’t matter if a size 12 is seen as overweight or not, you do not comment negatively on someone else’s appearance!

MarthasGinYard · 02/04/2018 07:10

Awful delivery. The crop top sounds pretty unflattering, but she's an adult, 20 years old.

You've spent the last 20 years getting bigger?? Why would she take advice from you.

Like going to a dentist with no teeth.

SleepingTurtle · 02/04/2018 07:12

Good lord, this thread hits hard.

My mum used to say similar things to me (and still does given the chance).

I have zero self esteem and an eating disorder that I’ve battled for over 10 years.

OP please think about the impact your words could have, not just now but for years to come.

MsHopey · 02/04/2018 07:13

Well done.
Your scarring her for life.
My mom did all the same stuff to me growing up because my weight was all over the place, I don't thank her, I blame her for most of my self confidence issues.
I went shopping for my 15th birthday, brought a skirt I loved, my friends said I looked great. When I went to wear it out my mom told me how far and horrific I looked and that she was telling me "for my own good as it's better to hear it from her than to be laughed at on the streets" Hmm.
Your only making it so that you have a strained relationship with her as she get a older.
And you think your an example as what not to be, my mom was larger and lost loads of weight before I was a teen, I don't think I could have been less pissed if with the things she said. But actually, if she was still fat, then I'd probably be even more annoyed.
When I was going on my first ever date she said "I hope you're not going to meet some you fancy, you look rough".
Well, he married me, so suck on that!

Shortfatandangry · 02/04/2018 07:14

As an adult who was told with reasonable frequency that I was fat as a child and young adult by my parents, the only thing your comments to your dd are going to change is your relationship with her. You seriously need to rethink your approach.

MarthasGinYard · 02/04/2018 07:15

'I won't let that happen to her or any future DILs I have.'

Good luck with that re any future DIL's Grin

Frakka · 02/04/2018 07:18

My mother used to do things like point out that she had a much smaller waist than I did at whatever age I was (buying a school skirt), or tell me that 10 and a quarter stone was too much at my age (about 24, immediately following me telling her that I was pleased to have lost weight...)

She needed to criticise me but always put the caveat in about age because she was overweight herself. She had an ‘excuse’.

You haven’t ‘ended up’ that way OP, your life isn’t done, and your weight isn’t a fixed state. It doesn’t do you any good to look back to your slimmer days and say, well, I’d still be that way if it wasn’t for xyz.

As others have said, lead by example and sort yourself out before making ‘helpful’ comments to your dd.

MarthasGinYard · 02/04/2018 07:21

'As others have said, lead by example and sort yourself out'

Quite

Skatingfastonthinice · 02/04/2018 07:22

What you said was unkind and unnecessary.
You are still fat, more than 20 years after having children? Still calling it baby weight? Get off your arse, excercise and have a healthy diet and your daughter may see the point. Otherwise it’s just undermining and unhelpful.
I’m of an age where I’m seeing a lot of old women who were unpleasant mothers being marginalised by their happy, thriving families who want to spare their children the critical and manipulative environment they grew up in.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 02/04/2018 07:22

Stoic I love socks, I like to mix & match. I’ve never liked puppets though, I think they’re creepy twats.

MotherofDinosaurs · 02/04/2018 07:31

Please know that you, her mother, saying something is FAR more hurtful than a stranger saying it. You sound like a really horrible mum. My sympathies to your poor, completely normally sized daughter. I hope she has the grace and strength to rise above your attempts to chip at her self esteem you revolting bully.

JaceLancs · 02/04/2018 07:31

I would only comment on someone’s choice of clothing if asked and would be as tactful as possible eg I prefer you in x or it looks fine but what about that lovely new blue top you have
Growing up I was fat shamed by my DM and as others say it has caused me issues with self esteem, yo yo dieting etc and not helped our difficult relationship
Looking back at photos I would be seen as slender to average these days
However I disagree that a size 12 could be overweight I’m currently 2.5 stone over what I want to be and can fit in clothes between a size 8 and a 14 depending on store
DD is a size 6-8 and due to height would still like to lose half a stone and tone up more

icelollycraving · 02/04/2018 07:31

My mum used to tell me at a young age I was too big to wear xyz. I was a size 16. I used to wear tighter,shorter and more revealing clothes as a fuck you to her.
She put on my first diet at around 7/8.
She took me to a psychiatrist at age 14 to discuss my weight. I was then about a size 12-14.
I am now a size 22.
My mother was extremely slender until she had children. She struggled to lose weight until she was extremely unwell a few years ago and is now 14-16. At her biggest 22-24.
She is also of the if your mother can’t tell you the truth who can? way of thinking.
It can brutal, I have also told her many times to stop discussing my weight.
Yesterday we were talking about diabetes, she said no type 2 is the one you’ll get Hmm
Being brutal helps no one op. If you can’t experiment with how you look at teenage/20s then that is a great shame.
Your insecurities are just that, yours.
Yabvu.

JaceLancs · 02/04/2018 07:32

I meant that a size 12 could be overweight depending on height, and exercise would help tone up a bit

feral · 02/04/2018 07:36

When I was that age my mum once asked me if was pregnant as apparently my tummy looked too big.

Cheers mum.

I've always struggled with my weight and as a child this was her fault due to the shit sub fed me. As an adult it's down to feeding myself shit but a pattern I can't get out of.

I've never forgotten the pregnant comment, least not when I've lost weight and the bloody woman tells me I'm too thin!

Shame on you for telling a SIZE 12 she's fat. People like you cause the eating disorders!

DurhamDurham · 02/04/2018 07:37

My mum told me I looked fat in a new pair of jeans. I was 13 at the time and I'm 47 now. I still remember how hurt I was at the time.

Mind you she really excelled herself a few years ago when I was trying on a new dress in M&S and she announced me to and the lovely woman manning the changing room that it would look so much better on her ShockGrinShock