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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DD that she looked fat in that?

688 replies

ShushTush · 02/04/2018 00:45

DD is 20 and has fluctuated between a size 10-16 since she hit puberty.

At her biggest she was a size 16 a few years back and it really affected her confidence. It was mainly due to bingeing on family packs of sweets and chocolate.

She was going out tonight with a cropped top on and it really wasn't all that flattering (she's a size 12 at the moment) and I immediately told her as I didn't want anyone else to. Obviously she was very pissed off and insisted she looked fine so I said her opinion was all that matters and off she went.

I feel crap now of course. I had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky and she should exercise more. I always advise exercise rather than diets as she's tried really restrictive ones before.

I'm overweight with a lot to lose (since DC) and I've told her that I don't want her to end up like me as it creeps on slowly so she needs to keep on top of it, not to put her down but so she doesn't end up like me.

WIBU. Hate to think of her going out feeling like crap Sad.

OP posts:
LemonysSnicket · 02/04/2018 17:27

I remember my mum calling my (size 8 ) love handles my muffin top when I was her age and it made me v upset.

Although I was a size 12 a few years ago and was definitely chunky ....it depends on your body type. I’m still a big squidgy for my size at a size 8.

Avasarala · 02/04/2018 17:27

Oh, and I donate to the most recent go fund me page I could fine.

As I said repeatedly, I have no issue with people raising the money. If have no issue paying for it for them if I had millions.

My sole problem with it is that the NHS does not have the funds to treat someone who caused the problem themselves, when they had years to sort it out before getting to that stage. And plenty of help available. Plenty of resources online. In my town, there are at least 7 weight loss support groups. The NHS cannot afford to keep picking up the pieces caused by obesity.

Health issues, and the cost of them, are very much what I care about. But this thread was nothing to do with someone asking the NHS to pay for it so there was no need to bring it up.

Doryismyname · 02/04/2018 17:28

The current fashion trends for teens and young women seems to be super skinny jeans, tiny tight skirts, crop tops and skimpy dresses. These clothes look great on nymph like celebrities and models but the reality is they can be unflattering for the average girl to wear. My DD has bought stuff online that looks great on the airbrushed model but it looks really awful on her despite her being a size 8. When she asks my opinion, I am honest in a kind way if the clothes are unflattering. This is not fat shaming or ruining her confidence, I am trying to get her to understand that certain clothes are more flattering for your body shape than others.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 02/04/2018 17:30

The thing Is though. Not everyone aspires to be a size 0

Bluntness100 · 02/04/2018 17:32

This should not go off track.

Op, as said, I don't think your comment to your daughter came from a place of love, I think it came from one of envy.

You're a size twenty and need to focus on your own weight problems. The justification that you don't want her to "end up like you" is bullshit. There is nothing to stop you dieting and losing weight. Inc the health issues uou mention. You have not "ended up" anywhere, you're chosing to over eat enough every day by enough to maintain your current weight. You are not some lesson to be learned from. You can lose weight if you chose to.

Youre using your weight as an excuse to be a bitch to others, inc your own daughter, about their weight, whilst simalteaneously saying your weight is not your fault.

Your daughter is twenty, an adult, she's very likely a healthy bmi. Instead of sitting in judgement of her and others like hef, sort yourself out.

Avasarala · 02/04/2018 17:35

@HelenaDove

The reason it got so heated on the last thread, and I got so angry and disdainful is your responses are always so aggressive, ignore most of what someone has said and just attack them for holding a perfectly acceptable stance of "being big is not good".

It impossible to speak to you about this subject because you go on the attack and you just don't listen. You ignored almost every point I made, purely because you didn't agree with me that obesity is a self inflicted problem and the NHS cannot afford it.

I understand that saying it is self inflicted is emotive, and there are many many underlying reasons. But they are controllable. It's just hard.

HelenaDove · 02/04/2018 17:38

I didnt say it wasnt self inflicted on this thread or the other one.

But many posters have pointed out both on this thread and the other one that other things are too.

I dont like hypocrisy.

HelenaDove · 02/04/2018 17:40

i know being big is not good Otherwise i would still be 21 stone and a size 28. Or worse.

oh btw i had acid reflux then and still do despite losing the weight.

HelenaDove · 02/04/2018 17:41

Captain Brickbeard.....................fab post. I got hassled about weight when i was younger DB didnt.

sportyfool · 02/04/2018 17:43

I'm a size 12 and I am chunky !! I'm 5 foot and really need to be much thinner 😩

Blackbirdblue30 · 02/04/2018 17:45

Depending on your frame, size 12 can definitely be fat. I'm quite petite and 'look fat' when I'm around a size 10.
However, saying something so derogatory to your own daughter when she's on her way out... mean and unnecessary and she won't forget it. You sound jealous and like you need to sort your own relationship with your body before you can 'help' your daughter.

Avasarala · 02/04/2018 17:46

But I wasn't being a hypocrite.

As I said in that thread, I'm a skydiver. I have comprehensive private health insurance and have used it for physio for injuries etc. I also felt that drunk drivers should pay for the injuries they cause. Etc. It went on.

So I wasn't being a hypocrite. And I don't live my life that way. Obviously accidents happen and things happen in a split second that cannot be foreseen, or genetics give you illness or cancers etc. But obesity doesn't happen in a split second accident, and genetics don't cause irreversible or uncontrollable weight.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 02/04/2018 17:47

Well you're a piece of work aren't you.

You fat shamed a size 12 and you're trying to create an issue around food. You have issues and probably need counselling to deal with them.

Honestly cannot imagine doing this to anyone let alone my own child.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 02/04/2018 17:54

She's an adult OP

Start treating her like one

Lizzie48 · 02/04/2018 17:55

I was thinking that, @Peanutbuttercups21 Easter eggs at the end of the bed is what you'd do for a young child, not a 20 year old. Hmm

RachelTeeth · 02/04/2018 17:58

Why do you keep wittering on about your daughter having a kid, OP? Keep your musings on her -and anyone else’s- body to yourself. My (shit) mother once gave me her opinion on my body ‘because if your mum can’t tell you’, she won’t be doing it again. (That sounds like I murdered her for it, I did not.)

Original poster
ShushTush · 02/04/2018 18:20

This is hilarious. So many people projecting their own mother issues onto me, saying I'm jealous, I want her to be fat, questioning why I would give her Easter eggs as an adult when plenty of MOTHERS on here moaned about not getting one from their DHs.....

All the DC get Easter eggs. Why message would I give her if she was the only one who didn't get any? The comment I made was made last night. The eggs were left at the end of the beds, as usual, the night before.

I had my last DC 6 years ago not 15.

She's back home now and is fine. Forgot what I said before she got to the club. No plans for an eating disorder or to go NC at the moment but thanks you all for your concern.

OP posts:
willynillypie · 02/04/2018 18:20

Avasarala

You speak a lot of sense

Grobagsforever · 02/04/2018 18:42

YWBVU. My mum said she'd 'hate to be as big as me' once. I was a size 12 FFS. She's weight obsessed.

I'm an eight at present so she's just jealous...

Doryismyname · 02/04/2018 18:57

Just because girls have the confidence to wear some pretty horrendous things doesn’t always mean that they should. Have you seen how some of them dress up for parties? I would rather tell my DD this in a kind way rather than having others sneer at her behind her back at a party. The effects of nasty comments from other girls or boys is far more devastating than some friendly advice from Mum.

HelenaDove · 02/04/2018 18:59

Yes Dory much easier and lazier to pander to bullies.

Chocachoo · 02/04/2018 19:04

I'm going against the grain here and saying YANBU! Let's face it, crop tops only suit those with flat tummies and if your daughter hasn't got that (who has!) then she's unlikely to look good in it, and she's better being told by you than have it said behind her back.
I also think the same applies to weight. It IS harder to lose in later life and it DOES creep up, and whilst it might seem harsh I think the saying 'cruel to be kind' can apply. I can recall as a teen having very similar conversations with my own Mum, and of course neither of us took any pleasure in it at the time. But it's done no damage at all to our relationship, and I'm certain I've managed to maintain a stable weight as an adult because she wasn't afraid to speak up when I had the most power to get control.
I think it depends on your overall relationship - if you are an otherwise encouraging, supportive, loving and kind mother, I actually think it's part and parcel of being a good parent to be prepared to give (constructive) criticism if you genuinely feel it is called for.

hereyougosuckmyassforensics · 02/04/2018 19:17

Stop putting your insecurities on your daughter. It's not her fault you're fat and she might not end up like you. You will have made her feel like shit just before she went out and you don't seem to be feeling very guilty about it. If you must comment on her weight then pick a more suitable time and try to be more tactful but my instinct says you should leave her alone entirely since she's her own person and in control of her own appearance.

Scaremonster · 02/04/2018 19:28

You’re her mum and you should love her whether she’s a size 8 or a size 18, as long as she has no weight related health conditions and she’s healthy, that’s all that matters. My mum used to do this to me and I now have serious self esteem issues despite being a size 10 (although I suppose that would still be considered chunky in your eyes).

Bluntness100 · 02/04/2018 19:39

Just because girls have the confidence to wear some pretty horrendous things doesn’t always mean that they should. Have you seen how some of them dress up for parties? I would rather tell my DD this in a kind way rather than having others sneer at her behind her back at a party

Please tell me you're just trolling and wouldn't do this. You're posting like some dinosaur. Don't like what the younger generation wear eh? Why would they sneer at her if most of the others are dressed in the same sort of thing? The only person sneering is you.

This is hilarious

I'm glad your amused op, and no longer feeling like shit for sitting there in your size 20 clothing and telling your 20 year old size 12 daughter she looked fat as she got all dressed up and went on a night out. I guess we can all be pleased you got over it fast.