To have told DD that she looked fat in that?

[ShushTush]

DD is 20 and has fluctuated between a size 10-16 since she hit puberty.

At her biggest she was a size 16 a few years back and it really affected her confidence. It was mainly due to bingeing on family packs of sweets and chocolate.

She was going out tonight with a cropped top on and it really wasn't all that flattering (she's a size 12 at the moment) and I immediately told her as I didn't want anyone else to. Obviously she was very pissed off and insisted she looked fine so I said her opinion was all that matters and off she went.

I feel crap now of course. I had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky and she should exercise more. I always advise exercise rather than diets as she's tried really restrictive ones before.

I'm overweight with a lot to lose (since DC) and I've told her that I don't want her to end up like me as it creeps on slowly so she needs to keep on top of it, not to put her down but so she doesn't end up like me.

WIBU. Hate to think of her going out feeling like crap .

You’re a size 20, despite the spinach stew and the outdoorsyness and you’ve upset your daughter.

Just have a listen to some of the women on here who were that size and have lifelong issues due to similar comments in their younger days.

I shall now shut up. Have a lovely Easter break, you’re nailing this parenting lark .

You sound like my mum :(

Her attitude makes me eat more family sized bars of chocolate to cheer me up, not less.

Leave her alone. I love my mum but I also hate her. No one could ever make me feel more shit than my mum does. In fact this post has made me emotional.

Poor kid.

YABVU- she's a size 12. No-one who is a size 12 could be considered fat or 'chunky'

It pisses me off when people say a size 12 cannot be fat -maybe not fat in that it would be the first thing you would notice about somebody, but it can certainly mean carrying an extra couple of stone, resulting in excess rolls of fat.
If you are short and/or a naturally small build, then being a size 12 can mean being overweight, whereas on somebody taller, or with a larger frame, it can mean being very slim.
Also it is possible for some clothes to be unflattering on some people, regardless of size.

I had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky and she should exercise more

Did she ASK for your opinion??

Fuck the fuck off, and when you get there, fuck off some more!

When someone asks your opinion on their weight/size, then you are welcome to offer it but until that point, shut it, and keep it zipped.

Being a size 12 isnt that bad but you know what when I was just about surviving and under 5stone and dangerously ill because of fat shamers that was bad really bad.

Will never understand the whole 'stuck at home with the kids all day, no one to help' excuse. Surely you don't just sit there and stare at them! I'm a stay at home parent, no family to help, no childcare employed, and a husband who works away. But I'm also a fit and healthy size 8/10 because I'm kept active, walking, playing, chasing after them, having fun, cleaning and cooking and I love it!

Hypermice you are so right in everything you said. And yes- I have troubled the NHS for horse riding injuries, a biking injury and a dropping a brick on my foot injury and no-one ever said it was self inflicted and I deserved censure and contempt.

It's about value judgements, as someone upthread put it so perfectly. And yes... the Op said she called her daughter fat, and then later said she has become chunky. This girl has apparently 'fluctuated' in weight over a period of time since she began puberty. (All so normal so far). I know that I am projecting my own experiences, but I was seriously damaged by having my weight monitored and commented on by my mother. I have been a very thin bulimic, a normal sized bulimic and am now just a binge eater. I became a secret eater squirreling food away and hiding it, and even now at 45 I find it difficult to eat in front of others...... I am in a new job where the culture is eating at our desks and I have gone and eaten my sandwiches in secret in the ladies room because people watching me eat freaks me out.

I can tell you right now that my mother thought she was 'helping'. She might even have thought it came from a place of love. I can truly honestly not say. What I do know is that she visits me 2 times a year and before she comes I cut out the size tags in my clothes (and have done so since I was 7 stone and now when I am 13 stone). I struggle very much being around her. Don't have that sort of relationship, OP please.

That was in reference to her assuming that I haven't instilled activity or healthy eating habits in my DC Ajas like she has, which she has taken from the fact that I am overweight, when she knows nothing about me other than that.

I also have hypothyroidism which was only officially diagnosed a year ago but which I have had symptoms of since my first pregnancy.

I only included my weight issues in my OP to explain why I didn't want DD to end up like me and to get a handle on it before she has DC.

Yeah yeah yeah your size 20 was unavoidable and not your fault but at size 12 your DD needs to get a handle on it and sort herself out. Not just that but you decided a timeline for her to do it. Come off it.

OP, CaptainBrickbeard has it exactly right. If you follow her advice you will be doing the best you can for your DD.

You put Easter eggs at the end of a 20 year olds bed...

if you want to help her, set a good example (for you too). Stop buying junk food, cook lean meat and steamed vegetables for dinner, overnight oats with berries for breakfast, salad sandwiches for lunch. She may go and buy her own junk but it would be far kinder of you to give her healthy meals at home - far kinder than calling her fat when it sounds like she is just reaping what you sowed.

I have hypothyroidism too. It's another factor, but it's not an excuse. In fact I have managed to halve my medication since I cut out gluten and sugar.

I definitely don't get why you'd put an Easter Egg at the end of her bed, OP, she's an adult. You know she has a history of binge eating so it was actually very unkind to do that and then criticise her for eating it. You must have known what would happen.

Just don't buy her Easter Eggs or other junk food. It's such a mixed message. If she buys it herself it's her choice, but the best way to change things is by setting an example of healthy eating in the home.

I definitely don't get why you'd put an Easter Egg at the end of her bed, OP, she's an adult. You know she has a history of binge eating so it was actually very unkind to do that and then criticise her for eating it. You must have known what would happen.

Its called setting her up to fail, probably to make the OP feel better about her own perceived failures .

The issue isnt DD's weight/size/clothing choices, but the OP's attitude to herself and her DD.

That's exactly what I think. For whatever reason the OP seems to actually want her DD to be overweight so that she can criticise her and not feel so alone with her weight issues. I recall she said that no one else in the family is overweight.

Op, i also suspect that deep down you're envious of your size twelve twenty year old daughter in her crop top going clubbing so decided to give her a little kick by telling her she looked fat before going out.

That's why you feel shit. You know why you did it.

I suggest in future instead of focusing on her or anyone else's weight you sort your own weight problems out. You get down to a size twelve and see how you feel when someone tells you you're fat and look chunky, maybe if you're lucky your daughter will do it. You know, before anyone else does.

I agree that it was silly to put an Easter egg at the end of the bed having made these comments - it's a bit like baiting her to eat it and some sort of shame cycle that will go along with it. And I also don't think the reasons for being a size 20/what you are saying about your lifestyle add up.

BUT to people saying this is sexist - is it? My brother gained a LOT of weight last year, and we all let him know (nicely), and he has since lost it. Not necessarily anything to do with gender. If he had been squeezing himself into too-tight t-shirts with his arms bulging out etc we would have told him about that too. If other people wouldn't do the same for males as they would for females then yes that's sexist, but I'm unsure if that's the case. As far as I see, celebrities like Jonah Hill do face weight criticism etc.

Oh god you sound awful. And determined to foist all your own internal crap on to your daughter rather than sort out your own crap.

Here's a suggestion - sort out your own diet and weight. Leave your daughter alone.

Your posts are full of excuses about your own weight.

Sort that out and id put money on it that your dd will follow your lead.

About 1 in 3 people suffering from an eating disorder are male. It's still less men than women, but it's getting worse in teen boys. It won't take long until it's half and half.

This isn't a female problem anymore. And the only solution is education from a younger age about healthy eating, appropriate portions, limiting sugar.

The emphasis should be on the positives, like enthusiastic "you can eat lots of these foods" and then "treat yourselves with these. More education on small changes like how cooking without oil makes a dramatic difference.

The recent trend has been "don't fat shame, don't talk about it, big beautiful" and people are getting bigger, eating disorders are more prevalent.

Education, education, education. Not 'we can't talk about that, it might offend".

Size 12 isn't a healthy weight unless you do bodybuilding and are all muscle. An average size 12 will have a flabby belly and rolls of fat in the area, especially with the apple figure so typical for Britain.

No a size 12 isn't "fat" but it's not skinny is it
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Actually for some people a size 12 is a very healthy weight. My DN is a size 12 (although sometimes a 10 in some shops) and has a natural 6 pack showing, she hasn't worked for that 6 pack it's just her natural muscles showing through because that's the way she's built. So please take your judgement and kindly fuck off.

@ShushTush

You still have plenty of time to get a handle on your own stuff.

You need to do that first, or together with your daughter.

She's your oldest, yes? Younger kids are just more energetic - as they get older, it needs a bit more will power and good role model behaviour to keep them up and going, instead of staying in to play computer or whatever.

You're not a size 20 just because of your thyroid; it's a factor but plenty people have struggled and overcome. You can too. One of your children seems to have an unhealthy relationship with bingeing. You previously said you also had that. It's not unimaginable that your younger children won't grow up watching this and see it as normal.

Get a handle on things now. Accept that there must be more eating going on that you think; maybe your portion sizes, maybe snacking more than you realise. Once you've got that under control, your kids will see that. They will all see a better attitude towards food. And you will feel better.

The issue here is singling her our, when she's simply taking after you in some ways.

Silly cow alert!!! Someone thinks knicker labels indicate weight!! Someone thinks everyone is five foot tall!! Someone thinks models are healthy rather than half dead!!

Terrifying.

It doesn't matter if your daughter is a size 8, 12 or 18. If she has the confidence to dress in something she likes and feel good then that's all that should matter. Health concerns aside (because that is not what you are analysing your daughters weight for) the only thing you should see is a happy, confident young woman who you are proud of. That's what I see when I look at my DD.

I would suggest you tackle your own weight (which is presumably a considerably bigger problem than your daughters) before getting the boot in and ruining her confidence further becomes a habit.

I agree with that Avasarala, weight has to stop being a taboo issue and treated matter of factly.

My gran used to comment if my skirts got a bit tight and short... "Lying, what have you been doing? Let's get a couple of those pounds off and they'll look nicer.". It used to smart a bit but I did and they did. It didn't mean that she didn't love me, she did. She had some old-fashioned views as you might expect, along the lines of girls need to be slim and pretty otherwise the boys won't be interested... but other than that, I think she did it just right.