To have told DD that she looked fat in that?

[ShushTush]

DD is 20 and has fluctuated between a size 10-16 since she hit puberty.

At her biggest she was a size 16 a few years back and it really affected her confidence. It was mainly due to bingeing on family packs of sweets and chocolate.

She was going out tonight with a cropped top on and it really wasn't all that flattering (she's a size 12 at the moment) and I immediately told her as I didn't want anyone else to. Obviously she was very pissed off and insisted she looked fine so I said her opinion was all that matters and off she went.

I feel crap now of course. I had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky and she should exercise more. I always advise exercise rather than diets as she's tried really restrictive ones before.

I'm overweight with a lot to lose (since DC) and I've told her that I don't want her to end up like me as it creeps on slowly so she needs to keep on top of it, not to put her down but so she doesn't end up like me.

WIBU. Hate to think of her going out feeling like crap .

A lot of people are being unrealistic...Our mothers are one of the few people we can count on to tell the truth. If you think lying to your child and putting on a fake smile and let them go out whereby all the kids will most likely laugh at them then you go ahead..

size 12 looks extremely over weight on some people. OP is overweight herself and she has 1st hand experience on the difficulties a huge body brings and she doesn't want her daughter to experience the same. Losing the weight is also one of the difficulties OP has, and she doesn't want her daughter to go through any of those problems.

"I've seen girls walking around in crop tops with their bellies hanging over in the front. They look an awful sight and I’ve often thought the poor things must have not mums that love them to let them go out like that."

Thankyou CaptainBlackbeard
For your articulate posts. I completely agree. These are the lessons we should be passing on to our young.

How EXACTLY did you phrase it? Fat? Not Flattering? It sounds awful. But if you said it carefully, that might be just about ok.

I’m38 and ended up a size
20 despite my slim mother fat shaming me all my life. I just bloody hate her for it now.

Leave her alone.

yikes, I’m really trying! I’m bothered about so many attitudes on this thread. Exactly WHY is it such a bad thing for a woman to go out looking fat? Are there many dads telling their sons not to go out in such an ‘unflattering’ t-shirt? Encouraging them to create a sleeker silhouette? No? I wonder why...

we are not morally obligated to wear flattering outfits!

Hear bloody hear 👍

God forbid a woman should experiment with clothing /hair/makeup in her younger years and enjoy being young and free and dancing all night with - shock! A bit of stomach on show. Or an outfit she may look back later on and think ye gods .. ah well I was young.

So much policing of women’s bodies, women’s actions, even the physical space women occupy.

It’s shit.

Hypermice yes!

Comments I've had
"My shoulders are much slimmer"
"My thighs are thinner"
"Is it your jeans or are you actually obese?"
"You look awful"
"That makes you look really fat"
"People will laugh at you"
"What size are you now?"
"Here's a size 24 top, might be a bit tight but it should do"
"Doesn't X look good? She's so slim"
"God she looks awful wearing that"

She's been between a size 22-28, I'm a size 14-16. And she wonders why I haven't dated or why I'm so conscious if I sit on a chair I might break it, or that I'm too heavy for an MRI machine, or that I might be too big for a rollercoaster

When I went for a major spinal op, they had no concerns whatsoever about my weight, I actually walked an hour after the op, recovered so well from anaesthetic I was discharged 22hrs after, and did so much work/exercise/physio to recover that my surgeon commented he would take ten of me every day

Some days I like my body, other days I HATE it. I'm broad, big shoulders and built like an hourglass power lifter , I'm not a petite girl like she wanted. But I never EVER comment on other people's outfits unless it's a compliment because of the shit I've had

Omg. In what world should we pass on to our children that it's ok to be overweight?

That's a world where people die young, have joint problems, can't breath properly, have terrible health if they make it to old age.

There are so many other things that make us ill that we can't control; we can control weight and obesity so no one should be teaching their children that's it's ok to be fat.

It is not. You just give yourself a harder life. You might be a luck one that doesn't have associated health conditions but they are few and far between.

Her daughter could tattoo her skin green, dye her hair, pierce her whole body, dress however she wants.... as long as she is healthy.

Her mother should absolutely be encouraging good health and not focussing on telling her she looks unflattering.

Not judging you. But please don't make comments on her size again.

My mum used to make comments in my teens about whether I looked fat in certain things (I've always been a size 10, so unjustified). She once told me my face looked fatter with my hair down. It has stayed with me 25 years later, even though I know it was a ridiculous thing to say.

I think she had her own body issues and was projecting them onto me. But it was an unhealthy way for her to treat me, which there is no excuse for and I have a low opinion of her because of it.

Please make supportive comments.

I don’t feel I have to look magazine photo shoot ready all the time, some people clearly do.

My Mum has made comments like that. I've suffered with bulimia and anorexia for 20 years now. It was a nasty comment.

Please don't be like that with her. My mum has always pulled me up on my weight. I used to starve myself as a teen due to it and then after having my dd i became bulimic. I put on 4stone when pregnant due to medication used to handle a condition I had. She used to call me massive and whale like and couldn't understand how my partner found me attractive. She is an obsessive dieter herself

I think the OP calling her DD out on looking 'fat' in something was out of line and not at all nice...

But why are people on this thread saying a Size 12 isn't fat? It can be. OP didn't even mention her daughter's height. A 12 for some frames is way too big.

My sister was a size 12 at 5'2 and 13.5 stone. She was fat. She will tell you so.

Omg. In what world should we pass on to our children that it's ok to be overweight?

You are missing the point. If this mother was so concerned about her child’s health and weight she would have been instilling an outdoorsy/ healthy lifestyle from day one, with plenty of good fresh food and family active time.

She hasn’t done that and she’s very overweight herself and is now critiquing her daughters body. That’s not concern for health, it’s just damaging. What will she achieve by doing this? Does she honestly think the daughter will go ‘oh my yes I must start eating better and be fitter!’ Or the FAR more likey outcome that the daughter will internalise the message that the space she occupies is too much, leading to anxiety and disordered relationships with food?

We try to spend time outdoors, eat well, run the kids around to get them tired out and enjoy being active. I would NEVER tell one of them they were fat, even if they were. And ffs the person in question is a SIZE TWELVE.

I despair at the thought of how many young women in this country have shit relationships with food and their bodies after being told, when they were young and gorgeous, that they were ‘too big.’

Women, know your place. Don’t be loud, or big, or smart, or stand out in any way.

Hyper But a Size 12 isn't actually slim anymore.

A Size 12 now from what it was years back is so much bigger.

At a 12, I'm a good 3 stone overweight

My mum used to say this to me and it was awful. I love my mum and we have a decent relationship but I still think of her as being a cow with regard to that. Do you really want your DD thinking that about you?

TBH if we can't rely on our mum to tell us the truth then who can we? And I agree that when I see quite overweight girls in crop tops it really doesn't look nice. I wonder if they don't have a mum or friends who care about them enough to tell them. There are clothes that suit some people and not others and height, shape, size all play a part in that.

Recently my young teen dd was a bit smelly on more than a few occasions. Mostly caused by hormones but she clearly needed to start showering everyday. I told her because if it wasn't me telling her it would be so called friends talking behind her back most probably. I felt like I was being mean but I think it would've been much meaner to ignore the obvious smell and just let her crack on so as not to offend.

As parents we do need to give a bit of cold hard truth guidance sometimes.

I haven't RTFT but to be fair, a size 12 doesn't equal skinny/average/whatever.

I fit into (some, mostly a 14 now) size 12 stuff and I very much have a big belly. If i wore a crop top it would most definitely stick out and I'd look awful.

That being said, my parents were both fat shamers and I've struggled all my life with my weight and it fucking sucks. All I think about is how much weight I've put on or how fat I am or why I can't stop eating food etc etc. If my parents just let me be I might be completely happy being a size 12/14.

It's a hard one, as if you know she looks ridiculous and will get made fun of while out, what do you do? Do you say something or just leave her to it? What if she comes back devastated as someone was a dick to her about it? It's a catch 22, really.

Hyper But a Size 12 isn't actually slim anymore.

I was going to point out that technically it’s 35-28-38 which is hardly elephantine. No one 3.5 stone over is a twelve.

But it doesn’t matter

Women’s inherent worth is being predicated on their looks. Their size (don’t take up too much space!) their dress (don’t be provocative!) their makeup (none and you’re a frump, too much and you’re a slut).

And too slutty and well, you’ve got it coming (see Ulster rape case where the poor woman’s top was handed around court as cast iron proof of her ‘wanting it.’ )

We have to stop this stuff. It. does. Not. Matter. And stop he health concern trolling. The most NHS involvement I’ve ever had has been from running, horse riding and climbing injuries - no bugger ever lectured me on that and it was self inflicted. It’s only when it’s fat that people get judged.

Men dont have to deal with this shit. It doesn’t matter if the daughter is a 4, a 12, or the size that would require walls to be removed. Her inherent worth is NOT her size. If she’s a size 18 and confident enough to wear a crop too she should rock it and have a good night. Whether people think a twelve is shockingly big or not is just not the point. Anyone who thinks a 28inch is excessive on an average height woman needs to think again.

My sister was a size 12 at 5'2 and 13.5 stone. She was fat. She will tell you so.

Really??? I’m the same height as your sister, size 10-12 and I’m four stone lighter?

Oh do shut up Hypermice. You would be hard pressed to have found a more active family when DD and my middle DC were younger. She refused to come swimming/cycling/for a weekend hike when she became a teen.

I posted a thread on here years ago asking if I was BU to serve chickpea and wilted spinach stew for dinner as I was getting fed up with DC refusing to eat healthy meals. They've always had access to sweets/treats. That didn't stop her from spending her lunch money on slabs of chocolate and massive bags of Haribo when she started secondary. She still buys stuff like that now.

I do think it is a bit extreme to wake up in the middle of the night and eat chocolate. I wouldn't have had any problem with her eating her Easter eggs in the daytime .

I put on about 2 stone with my 4 pregnancies, not being able lose it each time. I was 9 stone at 5 ft 9 until then. I am still active now and can swim 50 lengths of my local swimming pool but I am fat, yes. I am a vegetarian (DH and kids are raving carnivores) and fill up on carbs as I usually just have the vegetables without the meat at lunch/dinner so them I'm starving again soon afterwards. Vicious cycle.

Shush why are you being mean to Mice? She's commenting on the pressure women are under

Op do you think you would be happier and DD would listen to you more if you made a massive effort to shift some weight as well? Not necessarily making dd join you in excersing or eating healthier but you start it so she can see you making an effort?