To have told DD that she looked fat in that?

[ShushTush]

DD is 20 and has fluctuated between a size 10-16 since she hit puberty.

At her biggest she was a size 16 a few years back and it really affected her confidence. It was mainly due to bingeing on family packs of sweets and chocolate.

She was going out tonight with a cropped top on and it really wasn't all that flattering (she's a size 12 at the moment) and I immediately told her as I didn't want anyone else to. Obviously she was very pissed off and insisted she looked fine so I said her opinion was all that matters and off she went.

I feel crap now of course. I had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky and she should exercise more. I always advise exercise rather than diets as she's tried really restrictive ones before.

I'm overweight with a lot to lose (since DC) and I've told her that I don't want her to end up like me as it creeps on slowly so she needs to keep on top of it, not to put her down but so she doesn't end up like me.

WIBU. Hate to think of her going out feeling like crap .

For goodness sake lyingwitch. There is a massive difference between childhood obesity and a grown woman being a curvaceous size 12/14/16 which is what we’re talking about here, you know that, I know that. We all know you can be thin as a rake and carry dangerous visceral fat. You can be slightly overweight and perfectly healthy. The point is in the real world being thin/skinny is not actually fashionable anymore, and that’s a good thing as most women do store fat around breasts/hips/thighs. The gym is full of young women Wight lifting to get bigger hips and bums, not running to burn fat and get thin.

ShushTush
My downfall is buttered toast BTW not burgers or chocolate.

Your downfall is your gob.

LOL willynillypie so you're saying it's acceptable to insult loved ones but not strangers?

Also, do you not see the difference between "I don't think that suits you" and "You look fat in that"?

You can give constructive criticism in a kind and thoughtful manner, or you can make hurtful comments about being or looking fat. Two completely different things.

My mum used to make "helpful" comments about my weight. I ended up doing every stupid diet going, gaining a bit more after each attempt.

Idontdowindows

But OP has stated that she first tried to say alternative things and wasn't THAT harsh in what she said? She simply said it was not flattering! Where have I said anywhere that I would tell someone " you look fat in that?" - nowhere, and that's not what OP did either. I completely agree that there is a way to say something, and I certainly wouldn't "insult" anyone either. But I would like to be told if I were wearing something unflattering, and in return I would tell my close friends and family.

This is why we have an obesity crisis. I do not believe for one minute actual parents would not worry about their larger childs weight and tactfully bring it up. I dont believe for a minute in real life people would willingly let their kids out looking like shit in clothes that dont suit them no matter what their age. Telling the truth is not nasty.(depending on how it was said). And posters saying size 12 is slim can fuck off. For many people size 12 is overweight.

willynillypie

It's right there in the title: "To have told DD that she looked fat in that? "

@hypermice - your post says everything. People need to focus on themselves.

Also, this fake concern about health and nhs costs that a lot of people seem to have is ridiculous. There are lots of things that’s cause us health problems and could cost the nhs money. This could include mental health problems caused by being bullied about your weight. Anyway, a size 12 is hardly likely to be in the category of causing health problems.

I’m over 6 feet tall and even when I was a professional athlete (and weighed 10 stone) I was still a size 12-14. I bet at that time I was healthier and fitter than most of the population at that point (sadly I’m now fatter and less healthy but I try). Should I have been told that I was too fat and needed to lose weight?

OP, focus on your own life.

What an odd post - long distance runners have skinny thighs, it's sprinters that have super thighs. And muscle doesn't 'turn to fat'

However, I came here to say ...

I've never known any size 12 girls with a "bulging belly"

I was size 12 and I'm currently size 10 and I still have a bulging belly. At size 12 I was sometimes overweight (height 5'6").
So a crop top is definitely not the best look.
There are better times, places and ways to have these discussions though.

First bit was in reply to gardengeek.

I'm a recovering anorexic and was down to just 5 stone because of a fat shaming judgemental exh so be very very careful op .

I can see both sides. I don't think it does anyone any good to deny the existence of the pretty large middle ground between "not morbidly obese" and "well-advised to wear a crop top". I'm a size 6/8 and could sometimes look fat in a crop top and my mum tells me so too. Irritating if I'm already dressed to go out but I don't think it's an assault on my character or anything as she (like the OP) says I look gorgeous in most things. It's also a bit daft/naive to pretend that other people aren't saying anything mean about women in unflattering crop tops even if they aren't saying it to them. OP being a size 20 probably knows that better than thin women do.

At the same time, it must have been so hurtful for her to hear (plus as I said unbelievably irritating and unhelpful if she was already dressed to go out the door) and if she's having 3am chocolate binges she clearly has marked food/image issues and you need to tread very carefully not to contribute to her getting really ill.

Grandma for me, it's all about health. There are also lots of women who refer to themselves as 'curvy' when that has a different connotation entirely. Sizing is completely out of control now so it's impossible to know whether somebody is at risk because they are 12/14/16/whatever. The only negative point about broadbrush application of 'curvy' is that it can lull you (general) into a false sense of security about your general health when you're packing more internal fat.

It doesn't matter what somebody looks like in their clothes really because that visceral fat is dangerous - the health factors should be the consideration for everybody, whatever their size.

I think that many people have disordered/addictive behaviours around food and it's a far greater problem than we generally realise. I can easily polish off six packets of Wotsits in one go; that's not normal and definitely not healthy for me to do that. That's disordered eating, so please don't think that I'm having a pop at anybody, I'm not.

idontdowindows

Come on, you are being pedantic - the title is paraphrasing because in the actual post OP says she told her it was not flattering. And later she told someone else:

"I did say isn't it a bit cold for that first."

It's not pedantic to take the OP at her word about what she said.

Is unfortunate outfits not a teenager's right of passage? To look back on and this god I looked awful!

She came down, excited, feeling like a million dollars and you crushed her. She was probably too embarrassed to go and get changed and it will have tainted her night.

You're her mum, it doesn't matter if you don't like her outfit or what you think, you plaster a smile on your face and you tell her she looks beautiful and you watch her skip out the door with her ego stroked a little bit.

You feel bad, OP, because you know you've upset her. Next time, tell her she looks lovely and keep schtum.

Garden muscle doesn’t turn to fat? Do you mean that exercise will increase weight? Weight is a sketchy indicator of ‘fatness’ After having my dd I took up a lot more weight training with the goal of building muscle to get my strength back after birth for lifting baby/walking long distance carrying her. Im a stone more than I was pre baby yet all the same clothes fit me so I’m not actually fatter, just heavier and certainly stronger and fitter.

OP, its a bit hypocritical saying that if you're overweight yourself. Instead why not suggest you join a slimming world group and a gym together. That way you can support her without making her feel like shit. Positive step for both of you.

Op you said youre a size 20 because you fidnt make time for yourself after having your baby. Well, 16 years later that is literally no excuse. Also, you dont need to ‘make time for yourself’ not to be ansize 20. You just eat less. Your portion sizes, without even seeing them, are out of control and you are probably snacking more than you realise.

Stop eating rubbish between meals, stop over-earing at meal times, control your portion sizes.

You would be Much better off showing your daughter what a healthy attitude towards Food is, rather than telling her she looks crap when she is on her way out. That was cruel.

Wow, you sound horrible.

Size 12 is smaller than the average uk size, and at size 12 I highly doubt she has a "belly". I also highly doubt that anyone will say anything to her whilst she's out, I've seen much larger women out in crop tops, and never seen anyone receive any hurtful comments like the one you gave DD.

You say you don't want others to say it so you did, but if someone else said it as well as you, that's 2 comments instead of 1.

I suggest you keep any horrible comments to yourself, and take a long hard look at yourself.

You do see a lot of overweight girls in crop tops now. It's not flattering at all so I think you were right to tell her.

Lying, exactly that - don’t make the hurtful comments and don’t contribute to the problem.

Making the comments does contribute to the problem anyway - I think a lot of people want to believe that a fat person just needs it pointing out to them that they are at and then they will get a jolt of horror and immediately set about putting it right. Yeah, for some people it works that they see an awful photo of themselves and it’s a ‘wake up moment’ but for a lot of people, that shock of horror and shame just pushes them deeper into a destructive spiral of low self esteem, comfort eating and damaging habits.

The OP’s behaviour isn’t constructive. Leaving a bag of chocolate on her daughter’s bed but then judging her for eating it doesn’t help anyone. There are so many alternatives - don’t buy a bag of eggs: buy one. Buy a non-food treat accompanied by a little chocolate bunny. Or do give the bag of eggs and encourage the attitude that’s it’s ok to indulge on Easter Sunday and have what you like, but maybe tomorrow we’ll enjoy a long bike ride and this week we will make some really delicious healthy meals that are tasty and nutritious and we will balance it out. There are loads of options, but leaving a sack of chocolate out for someone and then considering them weak-willed or greedy for eating it will not be productive in encouraging a healthy mind and body!

@SingleTakenOliviaBenson

You simply cannot compare the healthiness of one person by comparing them to the average size.

We are in the middle of an obesity epidemic. In general, people who aren't obese are simply overweight.

The average size keeps going up and up because weight keeps going up and up. It so so dangerous to say "well, it's not the average so that's ok". The real problem is that so many people are carrying extra weight, our view in what is safe and normal has been distorted.

As people say, you can still be healthy but it's statistically more likely that you won't be.

If I were a size 12, I would be overweight. A lot of people would but they wouldnt realise because our perceptions are so distorted.

It's a whole culture that needs changing and we need to stop being scared to say that big is not good.

I'm sorry I cba trtft so apologies if it's moved on significantly from the OP but I do think YABU to make such a comment OP.

I think wanting your DD to go out looking nice is a nice thing but there are many ways you could have phrased what you said to be less offensive (for want of a better word).

My Mum used to tell me if she thought I looked fat and it stays with you, it's gutting! You could have told her she looks lovely but the top wasn't as flattering as some other outfits she has for example. Or done the complement sandwich thing which boosts the person whilst still making your point.

Anyway I'm sure the thread has moved on but I wanted to add my two penneth.

So many people saying the daughter needed to be told her outfit wasn’t flattering: we are not morally obligated to wear flattering outfits! I have some clothes that make me look thinner than others but I don’t only choose to wear those. It’s not terrible or disgraceful or shameful or disgusting to look a bit fat. We don’t all have to try to minimise ourselves all the time.