To have told DD that she looked fat in that?

[ShushTush]

DD is 20 and has fluctuated between a size 10-16 since she hit puberty.

At her biggest she was a size 16 a few years back and it really affected her confidence. It was mainly due to bingeing on family packs of sweets and chocolate.

She was going out tonight with a cropped top on and it really wasn't all that flattering (she's a size 12 at the moment) and I immediately told her as I didn't want anyone else to. Obviously she was very pissed off and insisted she looked fine so I said her opinion was all that matters and off she went.

I feel crap now of course. I had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky and she should exercise more. I always advise exercise rather than diets as she's tried really restrictive ones before.

I'm overweight with a lot to lose (since DC) and I've told her that I don't want her to end up like me as it creeps on slowly so she needs to keep on top of it, not to put her down but so she doesn't end up like me.

WIBU. Hate to think of her going out feeling like crap .

I don't agree I have made an error - why are you so very cross - it's unnerving

Surely the OP isn't serious. No-one would speak like this to their (SLIM) daughter? (And size 12 is slim!)

Our you jealous? Suggesting a size 12 looks big is denting confidence and could lead to other eating disorders. Get a grip on your body hang ups let her be a normal 20 year old.
If she had weight issues growing up (when mum had the purchasing power and could have not brought family packs why does any family need packs of unhealthy food around anyway) and has got to grips with it why not try asking her for how she has made such brilliant progress and could she support you.
Next time she wears something nice tell her how good she looks in it and make the positive comments the ones that's count.

Please take this constructively OP. You don't get to and stay at a size 20 by taking a car instead of walking if you're eating the right calories and also cycling with your family.

You've said your daughter binge eats on huge snacks and fluctuates hugely in weight. You also said you binge ate out of boredom (I think you said boredom).

The fact is, your daughter has learned those behaviours. You obviously care about how she feels and looks and about her health, so the time to deal with it is now. When she has kids, she may end up in your situation as well.

you can be as nasty as anything when talking about yourself.it still need a parent to be kinder than you are to yourself so I still stand with pp on you need to be aware and kind with how you word things.
if she wants to get into bikini at a size 12 losing weight is so dangerous.a size 12 would look gorgeous in one.
wanting to tone for herself to feel better is a different issue.and to be applauded.but not to lose weight.why does she need to lose weight to exercise/tone up,feel heathier and more body confident.again the link with weight and good looking is made.
to yourself the way we view our look is often far harsher than it should be too.so what she is seeing wouldn't then be comfortable with needs challenging to some extent.with a kinder eye on it.ezpecially woman always think they can look huge or focus in on niggles and think they are massive when the rest of the world doesn't see this.

Whether size 12 could be considered overweight on some builds is really neither here nor there IMO.

The real issue is the op picking on her daughter because of her own issues. Not okay.

It depends how it was worded. “You look fat”, not OK.

Gently telling DD that the top she is wearing isn’t flattering....... fine, if that really is the case. Would she really want people laughing at her?

@ghostyslovesheets

Then you've got some poor reading comprehension.

Everything you accused me of was wrong. And I even gave you my personal history so you'd understand why I being overweight equals really bad health to me. Then you started insulting me instead of saying anything about my response, because it proved you wrong.

well you sound a treat

just let her wear what she wants if she want to lose weight she will

Size 12 could never be considered fat

Occasionally, yes it could, well maybe not fat, but overweight.

My DSD is 5’1’ and a size 4-6. If she was a 12 she would definitely get look overweight.

It’s all down to height and frame size.

I do get where you’re coming from OP, you want to protect her from your mistakes. I think that’s something most of us can identify with, I know I can. My daughter, from being a slim child, began to pack on the weight at around 11 (not unusual at that age). I sat tight and said nothing but she carried on packing on the weight through the difficult teenage years. She was stubborn, wouldn’t exercise with us as a family (walks etc), wouldn’t discuss doing a class with me, wouldn’t stop eating crap. By the time she was 15 she was a size 16/18. The thing you worried about happened, people made comments; lads in the street, that kind of thing. Actually it was better to hear it from horrible strangers than from trusted family members. It was probably one of a series of catalysts to change things for her. When she was about 15 I took a hard look at myself, I wasn’t a good role model, over the years I’d steadily put on weight and was 3 stone heavier than I was before she was born. I’m a believer in the British Airways rule: put your own oxygen mask on first because that way you’ll be better able to help your children put on theirs - in other words, to influence her positively I had to change my behaviour. I said nothing to her but I quietly changed my food portions and content and upped my exercise significantly. She started coming with me for the odd walks and cooking more. Now she’s 20 and the same size as your daughter but more importantly she isn’t doing battle with her size. I think you should look after yourself, change yourself and see how you feel about it then.

a 14 yr old that is a size 16.?

how had she got so fat? on food from home or snacks bought outside?

OP, you have tried to protect your daughter from hurtful comments by making a hurtful comment. She might have heard something nasty whilst out but she might not have done. You made sure she did feel bad about herself with what you said and that’s why you felt guilty afterwards.

The thing is, she could be a size 6 and go out and still get nasty comments from people. Society views women as existing for the benefit of the male gaze and so unpleasant people will always feel entitled to comment on how well women are fulfilling this role in their eyes. The answer isn’t to shake yourself according to that gaze because no one will ever get it exactly right. Women are treated as public property and their appearance is pulled apart even if they are a supermodel. You can’t protect your daughter from hearing people criticise the way she looks - we all come across it at some point. It isn’t the case that if a woman over size 10 opens the front door in a crop top, a mob will form to throw rotten veg at her.

The best you can do for your daughter is to stop participating I the storm of judgement and criticism a young woman is subject to, to bolster her self esteem so that the hurtful views she encounters don’t leave a lasting wound and so that she knows she is worth looking after. Don’t pile chocolate up on her bed and don’t make her feel ashamed for eating it. Don’t tell her she looks fat as though that’s the worst thing a woman could be and she must immediately try to hide it.

Great post @CaptainBrickbeard.

wow :o That's so harsh! I get you may care for your daughters health but do you think chipping away at her confidence is the best way to do that?

I'm a size 12, and yes, my tummy isnt flat and i'm probably a bit heavier than I'd like, but so what? I'm happy with myself and wear what I like. It would take a huge piece out of me if my mum said something like that.

FYI, in my family, us girls have always struggled with weight. My mum has always been overweight. she would never have said anything like that to us :o so to me you're projecting your own issues onto your daughter.

being a healthy weight is an important thing, but so is your daughters MH. Her weight is her business, but you saying hat you did, could directly impact how she feels about herself.

I think you need to apologise to her, and examine why you said what you said :)

i don't get this way of thinking that people need to be 'told' y a third person that they don't look right.
Unless she has zero access to any sort of mirror, she doesn't need your opinion.
She has chosen an outfit. Pesumably she has looked in the mirror. She has made a judgement that she looks and feels happy with it. Who are you to fuck that up?
Please focus on your own weight and issues.

I actually think the OP does mean well. But what a mum says can really damage her DD's self esteem, however kind her intentions. (Sadly I know this from my own experience.) She's coming across as controlling as well, saying she would do the same with her DILs.

As for her not wanting to go on the walks and cycle rides she probably just doesn't want to hang out with her family. She is an adult after all.

My mum said to me no one will marry me as I'm too fat when i was late teens. I've never forgotten or forgiven her. It was mean and hurtful. I still struggle with my weight and have never had body confidence even when being slimmer thanks to my mum's hurtful comments

Grandmaswagsbag Mon 02-Apr-18 10:59:10

Well you must be in the minority then because I don’t like seeing fat stomachs overhanging a crop top

Posters on this thread are showing their age. As I said, modern youth culture is all about showing off curves. It’s a cool look to wear high waisted jeans with a short top showing skin round the middle and it doesn’t matter one jot if you have a flat stomach. Lots of girls want to be bigger, not thinner. The days of waif and heroine chic are well and truly behind us, no pun intended.

====

Your posts in bold, Grandma. I think your comment is really daft and is inaccurate.

If it were true, why is there such a push by Government, by the NHS and TV chefs to try to correct the obesity in young children? I'll answer that for you. It's because very young children are the next generation and it has to be corrected because it's health-damaging and a killer.

It's already too late for this one. I get the distinct impression that the above agencies have 'thrown up their hands' a bit, counted the cost of this generation dying young - and determined not to accept it for future.

It's not about what somebody's stomach looks like in a cropped top. It's about what is under that skin and what health risks it presents.

Yes, fat-shaming isn't nice but fat-acceptance isn't nice either. We need to find a way to talk to our children about health and eating/weight is a part of that.

I also really rate CaptainBlackbeard's post. That's good advice OP. Don't make the comments but also don't be complicit in adding to the problem is what I take from it.

I'm matter of fact about eating/exercising with my children. I have my own disordered eating demons and my kids (I truly hope) will never pick up on them.

Thanks SerenDippity.

Also, can I add something in light of the bikini conversation you had with your daughter, OP?

I didn’t dare wear a bikini when I was a size 12-14 in my 20s. I thought I had to hide in a dark swim dress and cover-ups and spent a lot of summers feeling hot and miserable in cardigans.

In my 30s, post children I realised how amazing and powerful my body is and how grateful I am to have it EVEN if it’s not smooth and toned and ‘bikini-ready’. Because I was bikini-ready. So I bought a hot pink bikini in a size 18 and wore it on the beach and you know what happened? Absolutely nothing.

Honestly, that’s right - nothing. I didn’t get chased off the beach. I wasn’t even the fattest person in a bikini - not that being so is anything to be ashamed of even if I was. No one vomited at the sight of me. No one mocked or laughed or catcalled. I just felt the sun on my skin after two decades of thinking I didn’t have the right to feel it unless I’d dieted and exercised my way into a more acceptable body.

Try telling your daughter that, rather than reinforcing her beliefs that she needs to spend the next month in a gym in order to feel that sunshine. Tell her bikinis come in all shapes and sizes just like the women who wear them and she can find the one she feels great in (I’ll recommend loads if she’s asking!). Tell her she should wear it and feel great.

Idontdowindows

What a silly comment - there's a big difference between telling a loved one and going up to random strangers to insult them. I am a size 6-8 (not currently as I am pregnant!) and I have always appreciated my mother or friends or husband telling me when something does not look good! Being slim doesn't mean everything looks great either.