To have told DD that she looked fat in that?

[ShushTush]

DD is 20 and has fluctuated between a size 10-16 since she hit puberty.

At her biggest she was a size 16 a few years back and it really affected her confidence. It was mainly due to bingeing on family packs of sweets and chocolate.

She was going out tonight with a cropped top on and it really wasn't all that flattering (she's a size 12 at the moment) and I immediately told her as I didn't want anyone else to. Obviously she was very pissed off and insisted she looked fine so I said her opinion was all that matters and off she went.

I feel crap now of course. I had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky and she should exercise more. I always advise exercise rather than diets as she's tried really restrictive ones before.

I'm overweight with a lot to lose (since DC) and I've told her that I don't want her to end up like me as it creeps on slowly so she needs to keep on top of it, not to put her down but so she doesn't end up like me.

WIBU. Hate to think of her going out feeling like crap .

That's good for you aero. But in my example, I was talking about an obvious 'tyre' of fat around the middle. As far as I am aware, different types of fat is stored in different places, but a large belly is pretty indicative of a large amount of visceral fat. Not healthy. Should someone ignore this in their DC, or try and help?

You don’t have to have an obviously large belly to have dangerous amounts of visceral fat. Someone who is apple shaped with thin arms and legs but a “healthy” BMI could have more visceral fat than an hour glass shaped size 14-16 person.

I've also told the OP not the upset her daughter or destroy her confidence by speaking to her like that.

Given that her daughter has learned her bevhaviour from her mum, her mum should be trying to make changes for the whole family. Healthy meals, suggest a family walk etc. Use lots of positive reinforcement, don't say negative comments.

So acting like I'm trying to shame her into losing weight is completely opposite to my comments.

But then someone came along posting a link to say overweight women look amazing. And that's just as damaging.

Don't insult overweight people, but don't go around saying how amazing it is to be overweight when it's killing people. My comment about seeing heart disease etc was in response to that.

Certainly the DD's eating habits need to change. The problem is that it sounds as if her mum's attitude has contributed to the problem rather than helping her. I agree that the OP needs to lose weight herself, and maybe suggest that they join a slimming club together.

The OP said one outfit was unflattering on her daughter- she didn’t say she was hideous/obese/whatever! She may call her daughter beautiful every day for all we know, it doesn’t sound like there’s a precedent for this, hence the poster feeling bad!
Also, wrt future d-i-l, she meant she would help out with grandchildren so they had some time to themselves, not that she would run a bootcamp!
Another petite person here who wouldn’t wear a crop top, even in the past as a 20 year-old size 6-8, wouldn’t have looked good. Also it’s too cold right now! If it was a heatwave I wonder if this thread would be different!

Good on her for having the confidence to wear it anyway after your derogatory remark

dress size is meaningless. We've no idea how tall the daughter is or how much she weighs, or her body fat percentage.

lesson - nothing nice to say? Say nothing. Do not comment on appearance unless asked. Find something more interesting to talk about.

You sound overinvested in your daughters weight, probably because you have weight issues yourself. Why don't you start with sorting your own diet out before criticising your daughters choices??

That said, I would tell my daughter if she looked awful in something. Size 12 is prob too big for a cropped top in reality. That doesn't mean she is fat just that she is not a size 6. Flab on show isn't a good look for anyone.

@ghostyslovesheets

Your stupid, childish, pointless and mad "are you hangry comment"

Nothing to do with the topic, and just you lashing out because you mistook what I said and didn't want to admit to it. That's unhinged.

Everything I've said is factual.
I've also said that telling someone they look bad is shit.

It should be approached as healthy changes for the family, and not singling out one person.

All of that is sensible, factual. Your response was to insult me. Very clever

Posters on this thread are showing their age.

I am in my 20s and I also don't think fat hanging over a crop top looks good.

Confidence is an excellent thing to have, but not delusion.

@ghostyslovesheets

Perfectly healthy?

Have you read the thread? Her daughter fluctuates from size 12 to size 16. She binge eats in family sized snack packs. She isn't active.

That's not perfectly healthy. It's actually a recipe for someone to go through life yo-yo dieting, having their weight spiral up and down. Eating big sugar hits leading to diabetes or energy crashes.

That's not healthy. Have you paid attention to any of that?

It's not the daughters fault, the OP said that she had a sedentary lifestyle and binge eats as well, so that's how her daughter learned it.

She's still young and with a change in attitude within the household, there's plenty of time to create a positive and healthy culture around food. But the daughter doesn't have that right now.

I am in my 20s and I also don't think fat hanging over a crop top looks good.

And I'm sure as you are in your 20s and apparently this is an age thing, you will be going around everyone you think is too fat to wear a crop top straight to their face?

It depends on you and your family.
We are a family who are quite blunt with each other so would probably say what you did. Other families are more sensitive.

Women don’t exist to be decoration. They can wear what they like, whether other people deem it flattering or not. I used to have such restrictive rules about what I’d allow myself to wear that I ended up with a tiny set of criteria that left me frustrated and upset every time I went shopping and I wore the same style day in day out as I thought I was barred from ever trying anything different due to the plethora of things I thought were wrong with my body. As I’ve got older I have just thought ‘fuck it’. I’ll wear a bikini, bodycon dresses and whatever I like. And you know what? People don’t gather on the pavements to shout abuse at me every time I leave the house! I see people of all shapes and sizes wearing all kinds of clothes and the only people I judge are the mealy-mouthed miseries proclaiming through purses lips how no one over a size x should wear a, b and c as though the world will fall in because you caught a glimpse of a cellulite-y thigh or a wobbly belly on someone.

Good health is something to aspire to and that means treating yourself with kindness and knowing you are worth taking care of. It doesn’t come from fearing judgement everywhere you go, it doesn’t come from doling out bags of Easter Eggs in the morning and criticising the recipient for eating them in the evening. So what if she ate it at the wrong time of day for your liking? How rigidly do you think you can control her?

And why is all your concern about weight gain directed at your daughter and future DILs? Doesn’t it matter if men get fat too? No, because they’re not here just to be aesthetically pleasing, right?

In summary, she can wear what she likes. Looking or being fat isn’t a moral failing or a source of terrible shame. It’s just fat. Women can swathe it in fabric or display it to the world and it doesn’t matter. Be supportive and believe that your daughter is worth more than her looks. If she believes that too, she’s more likely to take care of her health anyway. Judging and criticising her for being fat whilst simultaneously piling up chocolate on the end of her bed isn’t going to help her at all!

Fat doesn’t overhang a crop top, do you mean overhanging trousers? Most croptops would be worn with high waisted jeans now, probably ‘mum’ style and it looks really cool, regardless of size. I think the idea is to put as much emphasis on the bum as possible so anything that clinches in the waist is helpful. I do agree that if you are apple shaped with most fat round the middle it’s much harder to dress today’s fashions, but not impossible.

to be honest you sound a little over invested in this thread

are you the OP?

My mum projects her issues into me and my sister always has. She had bulimia for years and has always been in a diet or gastric band. When I was a kid she told me I had big ugly feet like hers and big hips. Shame we didn't have the figures of my best friends family who were Uber thin. Paid for a gym when 12 and offered to pay for surgery when I was 16.

I have always been a 10-12. Never more.

Esteem is in shreds and always has been.

My mum would complain I'd always wear black long clothes and I'd think "is it any wonder after what you've always told me".

Even now if someone is a size 8 she worships them. Academic and other achievements don't matter if not weight related.

Whatever my girls want to wear I'll tell them they look beautiful. Confidence can't be bought and is hard to fake. I would love them to be comfortable in their own skin and happy. Words are hard to forget.

If you're own mother criticises you then what chance do you have with the rest of the world.

Op in summary you are pushing your insecurities about weight onto your daughter. For Christ’s sake stop, now or the cycle will repeat. Sort out your own issues with your weight, encourage a healthy lifestyle within the family and let her navigate her own sense of style and self confidence. Good luck.

Such hysterical and abusive responses. Gotta love MN.

I said her top wasn't flattering, I haven't ruined her life!

My youngest child is 6 and I've had another 3 in between him and her so I haven't been sat on my arse stuffing my face for 20 years straight. By becoming sedentary since I had DC, that was in terms of me dancing 3/4 nights a week and walking miles every day before having kids and getting a car. We have always been a family that walked and cycled (still do now but DD won't come) and the meals I cook are healthy. I don't own a deep fat fryer nor do I buy family sized bags of sweets or crisps. No one else in the family is overweight.

She was fine when she left last night. I just started to worry she might feel self conscious while she was out and felt awful that she might. How horrible I am .

We were discussing her size a few weeks ago when she started looking around for bikinis as she'll be living in them from next month due to working abroad, and she was whingeing that she wouldn't feel comfortable, that's when I agreed she was looking chunky and she could make a big difference to how she felt if she started exercising which is easier to do when you're not massively overweight!

This thread........................

@ghostyslovesheets

Nice avoidance. Some people simply can't admit they made an error.

You thought I was just judgmental about looks with no concern for anyone's health. You thought I'd never understand that skinny people have weight related health problems.

All wrong.

You ignored OP's concern for her daughters binge eating and inactive lifestyle, and the general attitude to food in their house. All not perfectly healthy.

So now, you're just going to throw stupid comments directed at me instead of saying "I can see that point".

If you think binge eating is healthy and don't have any concerns for the health of an overweight country, then I suppose that's you choice. Dangerous, but still you're choice.

I'm not the OP, but one of my biggest concerns is that you can't say "fat is unhealthy" without being attacked for body shaming. We have an obesity epidemic - problems need to be confronted before people reach obese.

Size 12 could never be considered fat, how do you think you are helping her by ruining her confidence??
Crushing her is dangerous as it is so easy to spiral into an earring disorder. My own twenty year battle with anorexia and bulimia started with a hurtful comment.

Eating

My downfall is buttered toast BTW not burgers or chocolate.

Size 12 isn’t fat

Depends entirely on the height and build of the person, and their body composition.

I look decidedly lardy at size 12 because I’m a short arse.

I think the op is the most utterly un-self-aware poster I’ve seen on here in 6 months.

‘Waah, I became overweight because no-one HELPED me / babysat for me’ - my arse. Also: martyr!

‘I’ve ended up this way’ Yes, I’m sure there’s nothing at all you could possibly do to sort your shit (mental and physical) out op. Again, martyr.

‘I carp on at my daughter about her weight for her own good and probably have for years, though I model bad choices though my own food issues, because I dont want her to end up like me, because of course I am utterly powerless to sort my own mental and physical issues out.’ Excellent parenting! Flawless!

‘I also buy her junk food and then sneer at her when she eats it.’ Again, .

Also, op mentions ‘all the kids’ got lots of eggs. Anyone else wonder if there are sons in the mix here and if they get the same treatment?

Or are they not ‘fair game’ as theyre not mini-mes for you to criticise, op?

Good grief.