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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have told DD that she looked fat in that?

688 replies

ShushTush · 02/04/2018 00:45

DD is 20 and has fluctuated between a size 10-16 since she hit puberty.

At her biggest she was a size 16 a few years back and it really affected her confidence. It was mainly due to bingeing on family packs of sweets and chocolate.

She was going out tonight with a cropped top on and it really wasn't all that flattering (she's a size 12 at the moment) and I immediately told her as I didn't want anyone else to. Obviously she was very pissed off and insisted she looked fine so I said her opinion was all that matters and off she went.

I feel crap now of course. I had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky and she should exercise more. I always advise exercise rather than diets as she's tried really restrictive ones before.

I'm overweight with a lot to lose (since DC) and I've told her that I don't want her to end up like me as it creeps on slowly so she needs to keep on top of it, not to put her down but so she doesn't end up like me.

WIBU. Hate to think of her going out feeling like crap Sad.

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheets · 02/04/2018 10:37

All I see is heart disease, diabetes, stomach cancer, joint pain, breathlessness, acid reflux.... It goes on and on

OH THIS SHIT MAKES ME SO CROSS - stop desiguising your judy behind concerns for health - calling people unhealthy is not going to help

I have ongoing issues with my stomach that could lead into cancer from abusing laxatives for years - and having high levels of acid due to not eating.

I also risked lung cancer by smoking rather than eating

but that's okay because you would have deemed me healthy at a nice size 4

Stop doing this shit - just stop - you just make things worse

Hazandduck · 02/04/2018 10:37

@Marthaarthur see I feel the exact opposite; if you can’t rely on your mum to think you are gorgeous no matter what then who can you? If her weight was getting to be a serious issue, mentioning it is wise but it should have been better timed than just before she went out.
I remember my dad asking me “when’s it due”’when I was about to go out in a smock dress at about 16-17. Over ten years ago and I still remember how awful I felt. My mum gave him a smack and said it looked lovely but too late I was already charging upstairs tearing it over my head!

Sakurasnail · 02/04/2018 10:38

aeroflot
Women should be able to wear what the bloody hell they want,
Yes, I said that. But the point I'm trying to make is if someone has a very unhealthy body shape (lots of weight around the middle only, for example), instead of ignoring it, wouldn't it be better to sympathetically address it? Or should you leave a young girl with obviously bad nutritional knowledge and habits to continue until its a bigger problem?

greendale17 · 02/04/2018 10:41

Lots of girls wear crop tops now with less than washboard stomachs and it’s nice to see.

^Well you must be in the minority then because I don’t like seeing fat stomachs overhanging a crop top

Aeroflotgirl · 02/04/2018 10:42

We are talking about a size 12, not a size 16/18 plus. For an average height, that is fine. As I said, I am a size 12, 5ft 2 and yes I am overweight according to BMI. However I do not binge eat, I eat sensibly, downsized my portions to a toddler plate, and do 6 hours of various cardio exercise a week. Having been for my 40 year old check, the nurse was very impressed with my health and what I do. She said that BMI is not a accurate indicator. I am obviously very healthy. Thin does not necessarily mean healthy, there is something called visceral fat, that surrounds the organs, that is much more deadly, and it is hidden. I am much healthier at a size 12, and doing the excercise and diet I do, than a size 8 person who does no excercise, smokes and drinks, and eats unhealthily.

NicoleSalski · 02/04/2018 10:44

I knew I would get stick for that! Wink of course they're unhealthy but I have no idea of their personal circumstances and they may well be on weight loss journeys, who knows! I just enjoy seeing people of that size with confidence and enjoying fashion and if they wanna show their belly then I couldn't care less! Regardless of whether people agree or disagree, my point was that all those women looked confident in wearing whatever the hell they want to wear, regardless of judgement. OPs daughter should be allowed to do the same and her health should be addressed separately. If she wants to wear a crop top where's the harm?

Summerisdone · 02/04/2018 10:45

A lot of people are going to disagree with you for telling your DD that she looked big in what she was wearing, but I personally don't think you did anything wrong.
My DM has always been honest with myself and sisters when we look good or if something was quite unflattering on us, not in a bitchy way but just being honest, and that's why we value her opinion, because she won't bullshit and tell us what we want to hear if it's not the truth.
We do the same with her too, she will ask us what we think of an outfit, if she looks fat or if it makes her look like mutton or frumpy etc.

I went shopping with teenage DSis over the weekend and she tried a pair of trousers on, I told her honestly that they made her look a size or two bigger than what she is, the style just really didn't suit her shape, she was fine and went and picked another pair that looked fantastic on her.

Stephthegreat · 02/04/2018 10:46

Even if someone was overweight (which your dd is not) making them think badly about themselves is never going to bring about any good.

You have to really lead by example.Apologise to your dd and explain that you have issues about your weight,you are going to work on it and hope she’ll support you and that you are committed to eating better.

Why not register for a charity run together?

RebelRogue · 02/04/2018 10:47

"You're so pretty,too bad you're fat"
"You're as big as a wardrobe "
"We'll have to widen the door frames"
"No one will like you if you're fat"
"Tell her how you feel about fat girls,you'd never have dAted one would you?" (That was to my dad,because every 15 yo girl wants to hear what they dad fancy)
"You're too fat to ride a bike,it would bend under you"(oh the irony)
"You're too fat for rollerskates"
"Look at all these pretty clothes too bad you can't fit in them"

I could go on and on and on..it started at 11 after years and years of her bemoaning and complaining I'm not eating enough,I'm too fussy and giving me drops to increase appetite.

Concern/love my (big,fat) arse!

Avasarala · 02/04/2018 10:49

@ghostyslovesheets

Stop your nonsense.

This is a thread about weight - not about drinking, smoking, drug taking etc. So I'm commenting on weight. Not drinking, smoking, drug taking. But I've talked about those in the past on here as well, with the same opinions as I have towards excess weight.

The whole "well what about this" argument is used all the time to try and nullify a point which is unverisally accepted and well known. Just because you don't like it. It's nonsense.

I did not say "only obesity causes these problems" - lots of things do, but in this case, we're talking about weight and it does cause those things.

Now, you're also questioning my motives. As I said in a pp, I'm skinny but I've worn some shit outfits and overweight friends have looked a lot better than me. It's not about looks for me. It's about health.

And the reasons for that are my mother. She was overweight, had a lot of illnesses caused by her weight and we almost lost her. I almost lost my mother because she ate too much and didn't exercise. So for me, it's all about health. I lost my 3 grandparents to heart attacks.

For me, it is about health - not looks. I am no hiding my judgement behind a false concern for health, because I've been on the horrible end of losing people I love due to the way they treated their bodies.

So, keep your pointless and stupid "you'd be happy with a smoker who was skinny" comments to yourself.

You don't know a thing about me or the motivations behind my opinions. Now you do, so you can revise your comment,

ghostyslovesheets · 02/04/2018 10:49

yes but did you bother to read the response? do you listen to women who's health has been damaged by trying to fit the thin ideal or just judge the ones who don't?

yikesanotherbooboo · 02/04/2018 10:50

What a depressing thread.
Please don't put your prejudices onto your daughters , sisters or daughters in law. Try to make your female relatives feel good about themselves not bad, surely this is obvious and imho your responsibility.

ghostyslovesheets · 02/04/2018 10:50

I never said that so stop misquoting - I am simply pointing out that skinny doesn't equal healthy and vice versa

also suggesting the obsession with skinny is making people ill

Sakurasnail · 02/04/2018 10:51

That's good for you aero. But in my example, I was talking about an obvious 'tyre' of fat around the middle. As far as I am aware, different types of fat is stored in different places, but a large belly is pretty indicative of a large amount of visceral fat. Not healthy. Should someone ignore this in their DC, or try and help?

ghostyslovesheets · 02/04/2018 10:51

you sound quiet cross - are you hangry?

Stephthegreat · 02/04/2018 10:52

@ghostylovesheets

Totally agree with you.It was only when my self esteem improved that I actually managed to lose weight successfully.Body shaming makes people secretive and depressed.

Sakurasnail · 02/04/2018 10:52

(prob don't need to say, but obviously a belly on a young child is different to a belly on an adult)

SerenDippitty · 02/04/2018 10:53

I went shopping with teenage DSis over the weekend and she tried a pair of trousers on, I told her honestly that they made her look a size or two bigger than what she is, the style just really didn't suit her shape, she was fine and went and picked another pair that looked fantastic on her

Like I said - saying “that style doesn’t really suit you” is not the same as saying “you look fat in that”.

frieda909 · 02/04/2018 10:55

You've NEVER thought to yourself that someone hasn't dressed in a flattering way for their figure. Maybe you're just not interested in clothes?

Well firstly, that wasn’t what the post I was responding to said. It asked whether we’d ever thought or said a mean comment about how a stranger was dressed. And no, I really don’t think I have. I don’t really spend time looking at other people’s outfits and passing judgement. Maybe that means I’m ‘not interested in clothes’, I don’t know.

Avasarala · 02/04/2018 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ghostyslovesheets · 02/04/2018 10:58

No actually it's about a mother telling her perfectly healthy daughter that she's fat - that's what this thread is about - have you read it?

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 02/04/2018 10:59

I wouldn't have said she looked chubby just it didn't look right, I get where you are coming from though you were only protecting her from people taking the piss but there are ways to say things I suppose.
And a size 12 can be fat depending on height!

Grandmaswagsbag · 02/04/2018 10:59

Well you must be in the minority then because I don’t like seeing fat stomachs overhanging a crop top

Posters on this thread are showing their age. As I said, modern youth culture is all about showing off curves. It’s a cool look to wear high waisted jeans with a short top showing skin round the middle and it doesn’t matter one jot if you have a flat stomach. Lots of girls want to be bigger, not thinner. The days of waif and heroine chic are well and truly behind us, no pun intended.

HangtheblessedDJ · 02/04/2018 10:59

OP focus on yourself, getting yourself to a healthy weight.
Leave your dd alone.

ghostyslovesheets · 02/04/2018 10:59

I'm intrigued about how I come across as 'unhinged' but suggesting people who disagree with you are mentally ill is a bit off

have a cake