To have told DD that she looked fat in that?

[ShushTush]

DD is 20 and has fluctuated between a size 10-16 since she hit puberty.

At her biggest she was a size 16 a few years back and it really affected her confidence. It was mainly due to bingeing on family packs of sweets and chocolate.

She was going out tonight with a cropped top on and it really wasn't all that flattering (she's a size 12 at the moment) and I immediately told her as I didn't want anyone else to. Obviously she was very pissed off and insisted she looked fine so I said her opinion was all that matters and off she went.

I feel crap now of course. I had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky and she should exercise more. I always advise exercise rather than diets as she's tried really restrictive ones before.

I'm overweight with a lot to lose (since DC) and I've told her that I don't want her to end up like me as it creeps on slowly so she needs to keep on top of it, not to put her down but so she doesn't end up like me.

WIBU. Hate to think of her going out feeling like crap .

That’s just body fascism isn’t it?

No...not even close. I am not forcing anyone to dress any way but I am entitled to my opinion (that many people share) that people would look better if they dressed for their size. I have a close friend who is a 14-16 but because she wears flattering clothes she looks gorgeous/suits the size. Squeezing into too tight clothes isn't a good look.

size 12 may be fine for some people, but if I were a size 12 I would certainly look or feel fat

Irrelevant. Irrelevant if you think the outfit is ill advised, the heels are too high, the skirt is too short, the make up is caked on or the eyebrows are sharpie marker jobs. Or the person is a tad too big for the outfit. I’m sure we all judge sometimes internally but to express it is not on.

People can wear whatever they like. At whatever size they like. Screw the clothing police. Sod the faux concern for the odd roll under a crop top. Who cares?

If we stopped rabidly policing young women for what they look like (Christ did none of you live through the 80s??? It was like an explosion in a dress up shop) and concentrated on health, fitness and confidence, maybe we wouldnt have epidemic levels of anxiety, obesity and disordered eating.

i care not one whit if someone ‘chunky’ (urgh) is wearing a Lycra crop top. Go out, dance, be young. Live.

Op - I'm a size 12 and I am fat and therefore would look shit in a crop top. Everyone bangs on about far shaming - I'd rather be told I looked crap by my mother than a stranger in a pub. But then it appears you can't say anything at all anymore for fear of damage to people's self esteem.

I have a close friend who is a 14-16 but because she wears flattering clothes she looks gorgeous/suits the size.

Right.... "but because [...] she looks gorgeous....

In today's world of moaning about fat shaming you're swimming against the tide, but so long as you say things tactfully I think it's a parent's duty to help their children. Sometimes this will hurt their feelings and that's a shame but it needs to be done. This might hurt your feelings but it's your fault that she got to the size she is in the first place. You should have been a good role model and stayed a healthy weight and then it would be much more likely she would have done the same.

To be honest I'm a size 10 and I wouldn't look good in a crop top at this moment ...
and it's far too cold!
To be honest it's something my mum would have said but I would have gone and changed as I do value her opinion and I know I'm the end she has only the best intentions in her heart, it's just she's not very tactful 😂

There seem to be three distinct threads to this.

Those that are saying she should wear what the heck she likes without being put down-correct of course.

Those that are saying 'we can't say anything these days for fear of upsetting people. Size 12 is possibly a health issue, mother is concerned'.

Thirdly, those people with experience early on (myself included) of a very significant person in our lives putting us down/projecting their own issues on us etc.

The second lot seem to be ignoring the experiences of the third lot. I hope (notwithstanding the apparent lack of empathy) that is because you yourselves have never been at the receiving end of such drip drip abuse. And it is abuse. I am no snowflake (ironically I can thank my mother for that in some way), but the insidious way this attitude gets into your psyche as a young person is very damaging.

I very much doubt that what the OP said to her daughter was a one-off. She has said that her daughter has had weight issues for a large part of her young life. That is not a good thing to hear day in day out. I would have loved my mum to help me, but instead I got all the negativity without anything constructive. Very damaging.

I hate the term "fat shaming".

Really, my opinions in weight (and I would hope most others) are nothing to do with how a person looks.

I'm skinny, but really, I've worn some shit outfits in my time and the overweight folk have looked a hell of a lot better than me. It's not about looks. It's about health, and your future health.

OP, focusing on what she looks like will only upset her and make her angry at you. It won't make her listen.

She already binge eats, fluctuates and isn't active. Making her feel sad about her looks will make that worse.

It needs to be a family attitude change to food and lifestyle. Cook healthy meals, encourage her to help, like "you chop that, I'll marinade this". Then, at the weekend or after dinner "I'm really wanting to lose some weight, will you come for a stroll with me" or whatever.

Team effort, and if you feel you can both handle it, then open and honest chat about it.

www.gurl.com/2015/04/07/rules-for-plus-size-girls-crop-tops/

They all look fabulous!!!

YABVU. I’m 23. At my heaviest I was a size 16, I’m currently a size 10-12. I would never feel confident enough to wear a crop top but your daughter does and now you’ve just driven a truck through her self esteem. You need to be careful what you say to girls of this age, they can be very impressionable.

ShushTush
I won't let that happen to her or any future DILs I have

Be prepared to spend many holidays alone, and not be invited round a lot.

My mother did what you're doing. She destroyed my self confidence and left me with no self esteem.

You're foul quite frankly.

You were horrible. Lots of girls wear crop tops now with less than washboard stomachs and it’s nice to see. Remember the fashion has changed, it’s all about showing off your curves now, not trying to look thin thank god.

YABVU. My mother did the same to me and still does so now. One of the many reasons I've barely had any time for her over the past 35 years. Be warned.

@nicolesalski I really don't think most of those girls do look great. Especially not the ones with their entire bellies hanging out

My mum told me I was fat when I was 15, followed with “oh look peony, you’ve got cellulite on your legs”

I was 15. I was a size 8.

I will never forget that.

Sounds like it was a horrible comment at a sensitive age peony

But the fact is, most women get cellulite, even skinny ones. And it's better that ppl realise that's normal. (not saying your DM did it the right way. )

Instead of ppl going on about size 12 being overweight or not (depending on height), or ppl wearing what they like (fine), shouldn't we be educating ourselves and our children as to what is a healthy weight/ fat distribution for height? And be able to discuss this with them without being ripped to pieces?
I'm sure op now realizes there was a better way to approach it, but (let's say for the sake of example, as we don't really know) if OP's DD was a short size 12 with a wide, chunky middle, wouldn't it be more caring to mention it and try and resolve the unhealthy habits together rather than just ignore it?

Nicole.
No they don't. Some of them look awful.

No Sakurasnail you should not. I would agree if op dd were on the obese side of things, but she is not at at size 12. Women come in different shapes and sizes, it is not all to do with how much people eat, fat distribution is to do with genetics. Even when I was a 7.5 stone, I carried my fat on the bottom end, as did the women in my mums side of the family. My dad was tall 6ft, and lean and muscular, never did I take after him. Women should be able to wear what the bloody hell they want, why aren't men being told the same. On nights out, I would see larger blokes trying to squeeze themselves in too small muscle t shirts. Or in the summer, shock horror, guys with large stomachs, parading topless in the supermarket. That is accepted, why!

If she didn't ask you, there was no call for your to say that. She thought she looked fine - that's all that matters.

No wonder she has problems with food and weight. You're contributing to it.

@NicoleSalski

All I see is heart disease, diabetes, stomach cancer, joint pain, breathlessness, acid reflux.... It goes on and on.

It's just not healthy. There will of course be the odd overweight person with no apparent health problems, but that's the exception and not the rule.

The cost to health services, the cost to the economy, the cost to our culture that this is now "normal". It's not ok.

The OP should be addressing the wider issues of her daughter binge eating and not being active. Easy to do if she makes an effort herself and gets the family in on it with an honest chat, loads of positive reinforcement, compliments and no negativity.

Wow, mean Mum.

Does she tell you that you look fat in your clothes? Because you are sure to look way worse than she does as a healthy size 12.

I'm presume you'd be fine with that since you are modelling the behaviour you'd like in return.

Agree Zintox. Plus they look very unhealthy. Support your daughter, don't comment on her body. But saying people who are grossly overweight look fabulous is just as wrong. Say nothing! Unless asked.

Not all overweight girls do realise they are overweight, especially if they’re surrounded by other overweight girls. I have a young family member who kept complaining she was skinny even as she became obviously plump. She had been skinny prepubescence, but adolescence changed that and her brain hadn’t caught up. Her mother gently pointed out that she was no longer skinny and didn’t need to feed herself up. But by then the overeating of sweet things had set in and she decided she didn’t like sport as much. Result, an overweight girl (nobody else is overweight on the family, which eats healthily and exercises regularly).

Incidentally if she wore a size twelve she would be seriously overweight not just a little, as she is now.

No you just get banned for troll hunting

I grew up with my mum telling me I was fat when I was a size 12. I developed bulimia and became a binge-eater in secret because I felt so ugly and hated and empty that I wanted to kill myself.

Looking back at pictures of myself I had a gorgeous figure. Now I'm 21, a size 16, trying to lose weight healthily but still slip into disordered eating often. My whole mentality around food is completely fucked up because of the constant binge-purge-starve mode I was in for all my teenage years.

If you really want to support your daughter, start the gym together or go to a slimming club. Be supportive, don't destroy her self esteem when you're overweight yourself and hardly the perfect role model. That's terrible.

Steer clear of commenting negatively on your daughter appearance,it’s better to promote healthy eating and exercise by leading by example.Show her healthy recipes and ways of exercising that are fun,don’t make her feel bad about herself.

Size 12 isn’t overweight.You are her mum and you should be her best advocate as the world will pull your dd down.You need to be her cheerleader and promote healthy self esteem.