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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DD that she looked fat in that?

688 replies

ShushTush · 02/04/2018 00:45

DD is 20 and has fluctuated between a size 10-16 since she hit puberty.

At her biggest she was a size 16 a few years back and it really affected her confidence. It was mainly due to bingeing on family packs of sweets and chocolate.

She was going out tonight with a cropped top on and it really wasn't all that flattering (she's a size 12 at the moment) and I immediately told her as I didn't want anyone else to. Obviously she was very pissed off and insisted she looked fine so I said her opinion was all that matters and off she went.

I feel crap now of course. I had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky and she should exercise more. I always advise exercise rather than diets as she's tried really restrictive ones before.

I'm overweight with a lot to lose (since DC) and I've told her that I don't want her to end up like me as it creeps on slowly so she needs to keep on top of it, not to put her down but so she doesn't end up like me.

WIBU. Hate to think of her going out feeling like crap Sad.

OP posts:
LavenderDoll · 02/04/2018 09:51

So Gwen if you were 2lbs away from being overweight you weren't overweight so only goes to show that at a size 12 You were a healthy weight

Avasarala · 02/04/2018 09:53

@Tweetiepie1000

Reading the full thing, the real issue isn't how she looks. My mum was really overweight for a long time but dressed well. People can be beautiful when they're bigger.

But, it's not healthy. As a mother, I'd be more concerned about health than looks.

Her daughter fluctuates in weight, binge eats, lies around in bed all day. All those are not healthy and probably learned from growing up in the home where it seems to have been normal for her mother too.

While she's young and still relatively small, they should be trying to treat the problems. So she doesn't end up 40 and a size 20.

Hypermice · 02/04/2018 09:53

It doesn’t matter if she’s a slender size 12 or has a ‘bulging belly.’ It doesn’t matter if a twelve is big for some people and spot on for others.

She can wear whatever the heck she likes.

BridgeFarmKefir · 02/04/2018 09:54

My weight has gone up and down my whole life. My mum (who I love very much btw) made several comments to me when I was a teenager about it, that I remember clear as day today two decades later. (E.g 'if you keep putting on weight your stomach will be bigger than your boobs!') All they did was hurt me terribly, they never made me want to lose weight. I finally did when I met my husband and felt good about myself, so decided I was ready to make a positive change.

The things she said came from a rather odd place of love, as I expect your comment did, but that didn't stop it being very painful. Please don't say things like that to your daughter, especially as she really isn't overweight at all.

EnglishRose13 · 02/04/2018 09:54

I understand why you said something but maybe you could have worded it differently.

When I was 19/20 and a size 12 I went out in a pair of shorts (not hot pants but not much longer) and someone actually sang "Who Let The Dogs Out" as I walked past. That was fucking awful and I wish someone else had told me I looked a state before I left the house.

rookiemere · 02/04/2018 09:54

Honestly as a size 20 you have a bloody cheek telling your size 12 DD that she looks fat in her top. You'd be better placed spending your time and effort improving your own diet.
My parents used to comment on my weight all the time - still do in fact although I'm a bog standard size 14 (although to some that's morbidly obese). Didn't help at all but at least they were slim themselves so in some position to criticise.

Stop buying the eggs and then being shocked when your DD eats them. Focus on yourself and encourage your DD to be confident and happy rather than fixating on her weight fluctuations.

Avasarala · 02/04/2018 09:55

You're al banging on that size 12 is fine for that poster, so her point most not be valid.

Another posted on here has said she's a 12 and is definetly fat. If I were a size 12, I'd be overweight.

One person being a healthy weight at size 12 does not make everyone a size 12 a healthy weight.

It also matters where the weight is carried. If it's around her belly, that has health implications and back pain etc.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/04/2018 09:55

That was very mean, a size 12 is not big, I bet she looked great. Even if she had been a 16, there are ways of being subtle.

LavenderDoll · 02/04/2018 09:55

Exactly right Hypermice.
The only person who should decide what to put on their body clothes wise is the person wearing it.
Do one with the body shaming beauty standards - who the eff gets to decide the cut off point at which a woman is too fat to wear clothes of her choice and must wear sacks.

PeonyTruffle · 02/04/2018 09:56

My mum told me I was fat when I was 15, followed with “oh look peony, you’ve got cellulite on your legs”

I was 15. I was a size 8.

I will never forget that.

SerenDippitty · 02/04/2018 09:57

When I was 19/20 and a size 12 I went out in a pair of shorts (not hot pants but not much longer) and someone actually sang "Who Let The Dogs Out" as I walked past. That was fucking awful and I wish someone else had told me I looked a state before I left the house.

I’m sure you looked fine. That was just someone being bloody rude and horrible.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/04/2018 09:57

I am size 5ft 2, eat sensibly, do kickboxing, bootcamp, walking, Hiit and I am definitely healthy thank you. Size 12 is not big, it's no like she's 4. Ft tall!

tootsweet30 · 02/04/2018 09:58

I'm laughing at the idea of an obese mother thinking she should offer her unwanted opinion on her adult daughters weight. Get your own house in order first !

PortiaCastis · 02/04/2018 09:59

Persecution over weight will cause mental health problems and possibly make someone suicidal so lay off. Nobody is perfect are they!

seven201 · 02/04/2018 10:00

You shouldn't have said anything. If she'd asked your opinion then you could have gently given it.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/04/2018 10:01

What 2018 said actually, this thread is awful. So many posters using it as a method to lash out.

How can they criticise the OP and then do the same thing themselves? Urgh.

Hypermice · 02/04/2018 10:01

someone actually sang "Who Let The Dogs Out" as I walked past. That was fucking awful

I was roundly mocked in a similar fashion. by two massive beer swilling bloke idiots while out running - the tow path goes past a few pubs.

I was a size 8. Their fucking problem, not mine. I asked them if they fancied joining me on the next five miles of the run. They shut up.

Some people are just shits, you probably looked ok. And you know what, even if you didn’t, fuck it. Wear what you want

willynillypie · 02/04/2018 10:02

People are being very harsh on OP - as others have said, size 12 may be fine for some people, but if I were a size 12 I would certainly look or feel fat. Vanity sizing these days means size 12 is not what it used to be (sorry if this hits a nerve with some posters).

Come on - how many times do people see girls squeezed into unflattering outfits and think "someone should've told her!?". I would absolutely want to be told, even if it hurt my feelings, if I was wearing something that could make me the subject of ridicule. People should dress for their size!

SerenDippitty · 02/04/2018 10:03

People should dress for their size!

That’s just body fascism isn’t it?

tootsweet30 · 02/04/2018 10:04

Willynillypie- if I asked someone if I looked good in something I'd want honesty. Otherwise none of your business.

MarthasGinYard · 02/04/2018 10:05

I once strutted my perfectly toned 10/12 in my new 501's whilst filling my car up at 17 just passed my test....

Some white van men started singing 'fat bottomed girls out of their window'

Knob jockeys

Winebottle · 02/04/2018 10:05

If you haven't been asked, I think it is best to keep your thoughts to yourself on people's weight even with close family.

Pointing it out does not do any good. It is her body, she will be aware of how fat she is.

It is a complex issue so saying do more exercise and eat less food is not helpful. It's like telling an alcoholic to drink less. The problem isn't knowing what to do it is getting yourself to do it.

If you want to encourage a healthy lifestyle you need a soft approach. You have to deal with the emotional issues delicately and demonstrate health behaviour yourself. Paying lip service to it while being fat yourself is not going to work.

tonicwaterj · 02/04/2018 10:06

Wow, we all mistakes sometimes. Rather tactless granted but beating yourself up about it isn't going to help anybody. Take 5 minutes to work out how best to rectify the situation. The suggestion above seems like a great start, perhaps looking at changing the diet and integrating some exercise into the family routine - if it works for both of you of course - and in time! Perhaps to start you could apologies for being rather tactless at times and tell her how proud you are of her. Seems as though you have raised a DD that doesn't worry about what the rest of the world thinks - in my book that is a great start! All the best

llangennith · 02/04/2018 10:07

OP you clearly posted expecting validation so why post in AIBU? You’re convinced you’ve done nothing wrong. You were mean to your DD and, yes, YABU.
Stop all conversations about weight in your house or you’ll pass on your eating and weight issues to your DC. To be a size 20 (I’m a size 20 too) you’re eating too much and if you want you and your family to maintain healthy weights you need to start eating healthily. Provide healthy meals, a well stocked fridge and larder, and ffs stop talking about weight and exercise and the gym.
Just do it!

Fibbertigibbet · 02/04/2018 10:07

I am 25, and since the age of 20 I've steadily gained weight from a small size 8 with a size 12 bum to a size 12 with a size 18 bum.
What you said reminds me of my mum. She's not a nasty person, in fact she really hates the idea of hurting me or anyone. She does however totally lack any tact, is a size 20, hates what she looks like, and fears my weight gain will mean I end up like her. The more I think about it, she was very critical of my body in clothes and what was "flattering" before I even gained any weight. I truly believe she thought she was helping.

The thing is, I see my mum at the size she is, and whilst she has health implications for her weight and so I don't want to end up at her size, what strikes me more is what a waste of a life it is to be so unhappy in your body. I've worked really hard on loving how I look, and it's an ongoing process. I've told my mum in no uncertain terms to stop commenting on my body, as I think your daughter has with you. Listen to her.