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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told DD that she looked fat in that?

688 replies

ShushTush · 02/04/2018 00:45

DD is 20 and has fluctuated between a size 10-16 since she hit puberty.

At her biggest she was a size 16 a few years back and it really affected her confidence. It was mainly due to bingeing on family packs of sweets and chocolate.

She was going out tonight with a cropped top on and it really wasn't all that flattering (she's a size 12 at the moment) and I immediately told her as I didn't want anyone else to. Obviously she was very pissed off and insisted she looked fine so I said her opinion was all that matters and off she went.

I feel crap now of course. I had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky and she should exercise more. I always advise exercise rather than diets as she's tried really restrictive ones before.

I'm overweight with a lot to lose (since DC) and I've told her that I don't want her to end up like me as it creeps on slowly so she needs to keep on top of it, not to put her down but so she doesn't end up like me.

WIBU. Hate to think of her going out feeling like crap Sad.

OP posts:
TheStoic · 02/04/2018 09:27

I was very nearly overweight, which shows that you can be overweight as a size 12.

So your point was that you can be a healthy weight at a size 12?

Tweetiepie1000 · 02/04/2018 09:28
  • stop being such horrible little bitches
Abra1de · 02/04/2018 09:28

Size 12 would certainly be verging on overweight on some shorter people, especially clothes from some vanity-sizing chain stores.

Dogjustguffed · 02/04/2018 09:29

Wow.

Maybe better to focus on leading by example, OP. That’s supportive and positive. You may have had good intentions but it won’t have come across that way, and it didn’t change what she wore.

BitOutOfPractice · 02/04/2018 09:31

For the record, my mom thinks I look beautiful in everything I wear, regardless of my size. And tells me regularly. That's what moms do isn't it?

boymum9 · 02/04/2018 09:31

I do understand you were trying to save anyone potentially mentioning something to her but I think I coming from you may have been a lot worse (depending on your relationship). I grew up with my mum telling myself and my sisters that this doesn't suit you, that doesn't look good, or if we presented her with a "What do you think of this?!" A blank face and a "whatever could be better" kind of response. I'm 30 now and it's stuck with me and I feel really self conscious in everything I wear even though I'm a size 8, workout everyday and am in good shape!

I'd maybe just talk to her and explain where you were coming from!Smile

Notproudofthisone · 02/04/2018 09:33

Going against the grain here but I’m 20yo, and a size 12 (after having my son) and I am most definitely fat. I’m just over a healthy BMI after losing a stone, if I wore a crop top even without having a baby as a size 12 I’d look ridiculous.
Lovely she felt confident to wear it though so maybe you shouldn’t have said anything especially if she’s lost weight from being a size 16.
My mum would absolutely tell me, and I’d want her to aswell. Normally I just tell her to piss off if it’s something I’m wearing that I like but I’d rather not look like shit!

Gwenhwyfar · 02/04/2018 09:33

"I was very nearly overweight, which shows that you can be overweight as a size 12.

So your point was that you can be a healthy weight at a size 12?"

Uh, no, my point is clear that you can be a healthy weight at a size 12 but also overweight.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 02/04/2018 09:33

Well crop tops and bulging bellies don't go do they?

I went on a very rare night out for the first time in years the other night and every other young girl was wearing a crop top, regardless of size. I am showing my age as I thought "blimey they must be freezing" Confused they are all the rage at the moment and I think it's nice that girls these days have the confidence to wear them, size 12 is not fat or chunky Hmm I'm a 12 in a lot of places and would not say I'm chunky yet

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 02/04/2018 09:36

I won't let that happen to her or any future DILs I have

Oh dear god your poor future DILs having heir MIL stick their beak in about their weight and projecting her issues onto them.

I presume it's ok for men to be fat or chunky?

TheStoic · 02/04/2018 09:36

I was very nearly overweight, which shows that you can be overweight as a size 12.

So what actually happened was...you wear a size 12. You weighed yourself. You were a ‘healthy’ weight. The end.

As fascinating as that story is, you were not overweight. Is that right?

pasturesgreen · 02/04/2018 09:37

I think you're getting a bit of an undeserved roasting here OP.

I'm in my 30s, a size 12 and, while not fat, undeniably 'chunky'. I could probably get away with a crop top worn with a high-waisted skirt, but I know I wouldn't look my best and would appreciate my mum pointing it out even if I hadn't asked for her opinion.

In fact, my DM did, and still does if the occasion arises, tell me when something doesn't really suit me. It's fine, helpful even. My self esteem certainly hasn't suffered as a result of it. If your own mum cannot tell you the unvarnished truth, who can?

turnipfarmers · 02/04/2018 09:37

YABU. If she wants to wear a crop top then that's up to her, at size 12 she probably has a great figure anyway and even if she was a 20 and wanted to wear a crop top then why shouldn't she?

LorelaiRoryEmily · 02/04/2018 09:37

@ShushTush maybe you didn't really mean to upset her, but I don't think it helps anyone to have comments made about their weight. My father tortured me about me weight from early childhood, I was a very slight child, he commented on everything I ate and at dinner he used to say "oh look at Lorelei, every time her elbow bends her mouth opens" and isn't she a little pig". As a result I started eating secretly because I was so ashamed. I'm now 34 with a very unhealthy attitude to food and I can't seem to lose weight no matter what I do. I'm sure you weren't trying to upset your daughter but maybe try telling her she looks nice instead? I have never ever received anything but criticism from my parents and it's very hurtful, I'm nc with them now. Tell her she's lovely and let her decide herself how she wants to look.Thanks

Hedgehog80 · 02/04/2018 09:37

I’m usually a size 8-10
Every time I have a baby I eat the same but put on a huge amount of weight (4-5 stone) which comes off afterwards. My youngest is 11weeks and I’ve had a couple of comments about my weight and yes it really does hurt.
Your daughter is only a size 12! That’s not fat and you probably picked the wrong moment to say anything, if you were genuinely concerned maybe pick a time where you could broach the subject sensitively but really I’m not sure a size 12 is overweight (unless she’s v v petite ?)

LittleLionMansMummy · 02/04/2018 09:40

Im 5ft 6 and would love to be a size 12 again. No matter what I do I'm stuck at size 14 (even running, which I used to love, is no longer an option for me currently).

Op, there was no need to fat shame. If she asked your opinion there are other ways of saying you don't believe what she was wearing suited her.

I remember my aunt fat shaming me when I was 19 and just recovered from glandular fever (I had lost a stone in weight). We were looking at photos of me from a few months ago and she said "bet you're pleased you lost weight now - look at those dimples on your thighs!" I was a size 12, thought I looked good. I'm always incredibly self conscious in front of family members now and compare myself very unfavourably to my two sisters who are built very differently. Dh is the only one who has managed to help my self esteem.

Lizzie48 · 02/04/2018 09:40

I think the point isn't whether a size 12 is overweight. Maybe her DD is overweight. But her mum shouldn't be talking to her like that. This is someone who has struggled with weight issues and it isn't a stretch to think that her mum has contributed to this with comments about her being 'chunky'.

Good for her DD for brushing her off.

Jellybaby75 · 02/04/2018 09:44

I think YABU. Let someone else tell her she looks fat. It will hurt less than her own mother telling her she’s fat.

Avasarala · 02/04/2018 09:45

That particular posted made a bit of a silly error there.

She was a healthy weight at size 12 - just close to going unhealthy weight and you're all using that as evidence that size 12 isn't overweight.

It would be for me. It would be for plenty. But it's also about how the weight is carried; if it's all around the belly, then that has health implications.

The real issue here is that her daughter fluctuates so much, snacks on family sized treat bags, is eating during the night and not spending much of her time moving around if she's spent "all winter in her bed".

Those would concern me more than how she looked in a top. If she's happy in the top, then that's fine. If she'd start crying at someone saying something, then best to know before going out.

She must have learned the eating habits and sedentary lifestyle at home, given what OP has said about herself.

You should work together to change things, but OP, you need to lose weight too. Do it with her, so you're not just picking on her. My kids are too young to really understand diet and exercise beyond the basic concept (they're 6 and 4) and my youngest is already going "need to go on the treadmill. Need to be healthy" so kids pick things up even when we don't mean too.

I'm now trying to make sure I don't exercise when they might see me, as mine are going to develop an unhealthy attitude to exercise by thinking they've got to do it all the time.

She's gotten a bit old to be influenced by you, but it's clear that that's what happened as she was growing up. So, team effort time. Be as gently as you can when you approach the conversation.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/04/2018 09:46

"As fascinating as that story is, you were not overweight. Is that right?"

What's the matter with you? How many times do I have to explain it? I was 2 pounds a way from being overweight. I wouldn't have moved up a dress size if I'd put 2 pounds on that weekend and there are shops where the size 12s are even more vanity sized so it's clear that someone can be overweight at a size 12.

SerenDippitty · 02/04/2018 09:46

n fact, my DM did, and still does if the occasion arises, tell me when something doesn't really suit me. It's fine, helpful even. My self esteem certainly hasn't suffered as a result of it. If your own mum cannot tell you the unvarnished truth, who can?

I think there is a difference between saying “that doesn’t really suit you” and saying “you look fat in that”. The first is about the garment, the second about the body wearing it.

ladyvimes · 02/04/2018 09:46

My mum told me my arms were looking podgy when I was 16 years old and a size 10. I starved myself for two years and very nearly developed a serious eating disorder. My mum has no idea how much her words affected me.
Daughters take Mother’s words to heart. You need to be very careful what you say to her.

user1466690252 · 02/04/2018 09:47

my mother would of told me, and frequently did from the age of about 10. I love her to bits, but have been bullimic and have serious food issues from 17 to now. I can't see me ever not having issues. But I'm thin and clothes look good so it's ok 🤔

Please don't tell her. sometimes it isn't being cruel to be kind

Tweetiepie1000 · 02/04/2018 09:48

It doesn’t matter if a size 12 is overweight ffs!

She could be the size of a house but if she wants to wear a crop top that’s her choice!

We should be installing body confidence in young people and giving them the courage to wear what they like when they like. (Within reason)

TheStoic · 02/04/2018 09:49

What’s the matter with you? How many times do I have to explain it? I was 2 pounds a way from being overweight.

Yes. You were a healthy weight.