To have told DD that she looked fat in that?

[ShushTush]

DD is 20 and has fluctuated between a size 10-16 since she hit puberty.

At her biggest she was a size 16 a few years back and it really affected her confidence. It was mainly due to bingeing on family packs of sweets and chocolate.

She was going out tonight with a cropped top on and it really wasn't all that flattering (she's a size 12 at the moment) and I immediately told her as I didn't want anyone else to. Obviously she was very pissed off and insisted she looked fine so I said her opinion was all that matters and off she went.

I feel crap now of course. I had advised her a while back that she's looking chunky and she should exercise more. I always advise exercise rather than diets as she's tried really restrictive ones before.

I'm overweight with a lot to lose (since DC) and I've told her that I don't want her to end up like me as it creeps on slowly so she needs to keep on top of it, not to put her down but so she doesn't end up like me.

WIBU. Hate to think of her going out feeling like crap .

LotsToThinkOf

Totally and absolutely agree with your post. Nothing bad can ever be said or happen to anyone.

You're not "helping" your daughter by telling her she looks fat. This is about you and your relationship with your own body. Please try to leave your daughter out of it.

So, because you are 'fat' and, clearly, miserable with your weight, you thought you would project that onto your size 12 (since when was that overweight?) daughter.

And, you told her so no one else would, how sweet of you

Also, why didn't you give her suggestions on losing weight or you and her join a class together? Would that not be more productive than belittling her?

Good for her for ignoring you and going out in what she was wearing, I really hope her confidence grows so that your 'helpful' comments are water offf a duck's back.

You got some kind of kick out of putting her down and you did it to make you feel better. Way to go!

I’m going to assume that everyone telling the OP what a horrible person she is has never looked at someone in a bar or a party on a night out and thought, or whispered to a friend: good grief did she get dressed in the dark?

OP, my mum often told me if I wore unflattering things and unlike many of the other posters, we have not gone NC. In fact we are very close and I am secretly quite glad she tried to encourage me to eat healthily and exercise and also told me if clothes didn’t do anything for me. Sure, I sometimes tell her to bog off if I think something looks good and she thinks it’s unflattering- but it’s not WW3.
It sounds like you are close and maybe you do need to say I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings, I just didn’t think that outfit was as flattering as your sparkly dress or whatever. Fluctuating from 10 to 16 is quite extreme changes, has her size been settled for a while now at 12? If so maybe you can relax and just continue to encourage healthy eating and exercise. It is so true that it’s much easier to keep a good figure the younger you are. Also, definitely agree some size 12 bodies would look very podgy in crop tops, and some size 14s would be great. Depends how toned and also sadly how tall/your shape!

You were doing what my mother did. Make the one comment guaranteed to bring her down and knock her confidence. She is an evil mealy mouthed malicious bitch and it would appear that you're cast from the same mould. Size 12 is not chunky.

My mother would refer to me as a dumpy short arse (when I was 5'6 and size 10) purely designed to make me feel bad about how I looked. I'm a bit lot more than a size 10 now but I don't get the nasty comments because I went nc years ago as she began to pick on my partner too to get her twisted kicks. Think on before you lose your relationship with your daughter.

The health argument is slightly bullshit and often used to disguise judgmental bollox

I am fat - I don’t smoke - I run 10-15k a week do 2 aerobics classes (hard) and a weight training session - I am healthier now than I was aged 22 - size 4, anorexic, not eating and living on fags and rennies

Op she gets to decide what she looks good in not you

I once read Dawn French saying that her dad looked at her ready to go out, wearing purple hot pants (or something) and saying "you look beautiful". She reckons she probably looked objectivwly dreadful but credits him with giving her a self confidence and self love that lasted a lifetime.

Really not sure about this as an example to be honest.

Dawn French then went on to get to be absolutely massive - like health implications massive.

She has subsequently lost a lot of weight for whatever reason were right for her and looks much better.

I agree with those saying it’s best to be honest with people, and tbh size 12 is probably a bit chubby for a crop top.

When is the right time to say something? Size 12? 14? 20? 32?

"So you weighed yourself and you weren’t overweight?"

I was very nearly overweight, which shows that you can be overweight as a size 12.

"her dad looked at her ready to go out, wearing purple hot pants (or something) and saying "you look beautiful"."

I find that really creepy.

I’m going to assume that everyone telling the OP what a horrible person she is has never looked at someone in a bar or a party on a night out and thought, or whispered to a friend: good grief did she get dressed in the dark?

No, I can honestly say I haven’t.

But even if I have, that is very different to telling your 20 year old daughter TO HER FACE that she looks fat!

"I can honestly say I haven’t."

You've NEVER thought to yourself that someone hasn't dressed in a flattering way for their figure. Maybe you're just not interested in clothes?

She'll never forget that moment.

Your poor DD! She's 20, she'll make bad fashion choices that in 10 years she'll look back at and wonder what she was thinking, let her make the bad fashion choices.

One of the things I'm most grateful to my mum for is that she never commented on my weight etc, I have a really positive body image and relationship with food which I think is a result of that. Unlike my best friend whose mum would tell her she was (also at size 12) too fat to go out in that - she now has self confidence, body image and food issues, and dreads what her mum will say to make her feel rubbish about whatever new outfit she originally loved. (in all other ways her mum is lovely, and I'm sure only said these things to 'help' - never realising the horrible impact they have had).

Shame on you OP
I'm a size 18 - I'm losing weight but currently size 18
I have a crop tops
I have short dresses
I have bikinis
I have costumes
And because I have a body I can wear all the above and whatever the hell else I fancy
Who are you to A tell your daughter she is fat and B tell her what she can and can't wear based on your idea of what certain sizes can wear

Sort yourself out so she has an appropriate body confident role model before you destroy her confidence

Are you my mum? My mum likes to point out any weight gain, usually in front of other people, it's maddening and hurtful. Keep your opinion to yourself in future it's her life and her body and she is currently a size 12!!!

I am so hoping this is a wind up. Surely no mother would be so cruel. Does it really matter what she wears and how does it affect you? I have had weight problems my whole life die to health issues and my mum always made comments that made you feel better.

i.e.
Me: do you like this top? Is it too tight?
Mum: a little but I really think the other top would suit your trousers better but if you can't wear that at your age when can you? Go and enjoy life and stop worrying about silly tops

*"So you weighed yourself and you weren’t overweight?"

I was very nearly overweight, which shows that you can be overweight as a size 12*

Being near the top of the healthy weight range for your height does not necessarily make you “nearly overweight”, you could be the right weight for your body type/build and shape.

You've done nothing wrong.

If I were a size 12 at my height, then I'd be overweight.

Being a little tubby has become the norm, but that doesn't make it healthy. The national average has gone up (so much so, that old lifts can no longer hold the average number of people they say then can, as people are bigger) and it means we don't realise what is actually overweight anymore, because it all over the place.

I think it's very important for a mother to make sure their child is healthy.

Maybe instead of saying "you look fat" or "you're getting chunky" you shoukd suggest that you both go exercising together. Try, a long walk a couple of times a week? Or swimming or something. Whatever you'd both enjoy, but make it a team effort instead of singling her out.

If she's wearing a crop top with a bit of a belly, people will be judging her. If she's happy with it and confident with herself then that's not a problem, but if she's fragile and will get upset if someone says something then a warning before she goes out is warranted.

But, I'd be more concerned with health rather than looks. Fluctuating that much isn't good. Eating family sized snack bags isn't good. She needs a bit of help changing her attitude to food, but since you're overweight too, it's probably something she has learned in the household.

Use this as an opportunity to overhaul your diet, and do it with her. Healthy choices, smal, treats, moderation with portions. And a nice long walk together a couple times a week.

When is the right time to say something? Size 12? 14? 20? 32?

Why would you need to say something at all? Fat people do know that they're fat. They don't need other people to point it out to them. If they're fat and have chosen to wear a crop top anyway, presumably they're okay with how they look in it. You don't have to think that they look good in it. Maybe you think they look terrible. But it isn't about you.

If someone asks you for health or weight loss advice, that's different. But unsolicited comments are never a good idea.

No. Just no. Why would you, as her mum, make her feel badly about her physical self? Yabvvu. My mums nearly 80 and I’m mid-50’s and still she comments about what I look like. She’s over for Easter and brought some old jeans of hers for me to “garden/walk the dog in”. “They’ll fit you” she said “you’re legs are fatter than mine”. They buried me. How she sees herself AND me, is quite distorted.

Don’t comment on what your daughter weighs, eats or looks like. She’s an adult now. She’s dragged this “body thing” with her from puberty and unless she’s allowed to comfortably find her own perception of herself and her body, she’ll have a lifetime of feeling bad about it. Tell her she looks nice, have a lovely time and stay safe.

That’s just my (personal) opinion.

Tbh as soon as I read the OP I thought ‘sounds a little like the green eyed monster dressed up as concern’

Have you seen larger models wearing crop tops and looking amazing? Because there are plenty of pictures just do a google search.

If somebody wants to wear a crop top they should have the self esteem to allow themselves to wear one whether size 6 or 26. It’s not for anyone else to say how horrible/fat/unhealthy they are.

The OP and all agreeing with her, Stop because no such horrible little bitches and take a long hard look at yourselves.

By the way, no person who is overweight has ever been enlightened by you telling them they are fat. Fat people know they are fat. More often than not, weight issues are a complex psychological struggle. When you tell a fat person 'You are fat' you aren't being kind or helping. You're just making them feel shit.
I do know what I'm talking about. I was fat. I lost 7 stone. The decision to do that was not motivated by anyone other than myself. I just decided one day, for health reasons and because I wanted a baby. At my fattest I still dressed well and felt beautiful. I was hit on a lot, excelled in my career, and married my husband, all as a fat person.
I'm still a bit fat. And I feel beautiful and valid and successful because my friends and family tell me I am. Try to live in a world of positivity and you yourself might be a bit happier.

Ah op you're going to be that MiL!

(I got my baby too )