To say "F*** you, MIL"

[MonsterInLaw]

My MIL is a crashing snob, a racist and has absolutely no class.

Last summer she gave me a bottle of wine (I work in wine trade and know a lot about it) which she had seen written up in a paper and was in limited supply at Waitrose. £20 for a fairly ordinary Provence rosé, but it had a celebrity wine maker, etc etc. Wayyyyy overpriced. She said to me "I'd like you to have this for a special occasion"

I fell out with MIL last month, she went too far once too often. DH won't talk about it and he and our kids (older teens) are still visiting her as normal. Nothing's changed except I won't see her.

DH doesn't drink rosé. He's gone to work today and I'm watching films on Netflix. Found a gorgeous film called 'Dough' about a Jewish baker who hires a Muslim apprentice. MIL would disapprove 😀 AIBU to drink the "special" rosé while I watch a film that rightly celebrates the diversity of British culture.

(PS I am a second generation immigrant on my dad's side. MIL hates me for that too)

Which 'triggered' you because you'd READ something about DV ... you're talking out of your arse and being hugely offensive to use that term.

^this!

x1,000

She started on about her fave subject - education and how the Tories are doing such a great job. I disagreed and tried to explain some of the negatives. She told me "you're deluded. It's all in your head".

I had that morning been reading a piece by Karen Ingala Smith about domestic violence. And also some stuff about the ways men make women feel it's their fault. So being told it was "all in my mind" triggered something in me and I told her she was a bigoted and horrible person and I'd had enough. And flounced out.

I've just reread this again. Can you honestly not see how this would come across?

Nobody knew you'd been reading this article or thinking about it, or that you were mentally likening MIL being dismissive and rude to a man blaming his battered wife for her black eye (why were you doing that?). Think about how it would have looked to someone who was watching the two of you and had no idea of your thought process, only what you said and did.

She does sound like a horror but I can't say you're covering yourself with glory when you sneer at her choice of wine (as a gift!), the media she reads, her qualifications, her career.

You say she has no class. Which of you is the snob?

Your knowledge of the precise motives behind everything she does and says is astounding - has she told you why she reads Decanter magazine, watches Sky News and buys you wine, or that she has that opinion of you because you didn't attend university?

It just sounds like you're mind-reading and attributing quite specific reasons to her behaviours.

@itsu I'm glad you pointed it out. I also found it really cringy

She doesn't like the idea that I might know more about something than her, because I haven't been to Uni and therefore 'don't deserve' to know more. So she tries desperately hard to bolster herself by reading stuff like Decanter (which I find very dull and would be loads better if they gave you a piece of glass every issuesmile) and then buying wine to impress me when we go round.

This is all speculation. It might be true, but you've got absolutely no way of knowing. You're looking at her actions - reading a wine magazine and buying you wine on its recommendations - and inventing your own thought processes for why she's doing it.

And given how much you clearly look down on her for her choice of wine, qualification and so on, it does not surprise me too much that this is the motivation you've chosen for her.

Is it remotely possible that as someone who works in the wine trade, she just thinks wine is a good gift to give to you? If I wanted to show off my incredible wealth, good breeding and high social class to someone, I wouldn't give them a £20 bottle. I'd make them watch me drink a £75 one.

I must go and buy some £20 Provence Rose from Waitrose, it seems to get you pissed really fast!!

PoorYorick that's what I was trying to say, but you've put it much better. Thanks.

In my experience, people who say other people 'have no class' tend to, well, have no class.

You sound incredibly snobby.

You're not making yourself sound any better or her sound any worse tbh. All these things you say she thinks and her motivations for doing or liking certain things - has she actually told you any of this or are you making massively judgemental and unkind assumptions?

You despise her and everything she likes and stands for. That much is clear. I think it's probably best all round that you don't speak to her any more - who would want the approval of such a judgemental snob as your good self anyway?

You sound quite competitive tbh... you say she’s a massive snob whilst slagging off her wine choice, tv choice, degree, coat wearing habits, her gift intentions, ... going on about how you could’ve gone to uni and your mum has 3 degrees so you’re clearly smarter than your MIL. You went psycho about her opinion on education because she disagreed and called you crazy and you thought of it as akin to gaslighting?
Oh, and my Yorkshire Nan used to keep her coat on everywhere too... and it’s rude to make people wait to eat until you’ve sat down there too. It’s polite for them not to start and then as hostess you tell them to tuck in and not let it get cold. I don’t see how any of that makes us classless.

You hate her and you’ve decided everything she does is evil and tainted by horrible intentions.

Op I suspect your MIL probably does not put as much effort into doing things 'for show' and just to try and impress or intimidate you as you think.

But if 22 years of resentment have been building then probably it is best for you to have a break from being around her.

Apologies if this has already been said OP, I have RTFT but sometimes I miss things when I'm tired - but what does your DH think about this severance of your relationship with his mother? Is he finding it difficult, or is he not bothered?

You say your MIL is a snob like Hyacinth Bucket and yet instead of merely saying you had read an article on DV you casually drop in the name of Karen Ingala Smith. Pot and kettle is the phrase that springs to mind.

This thread is hilarious.

Although it's troubling how much people forgive racist relatives political choices as simply 'differing' opinions. I've always (politely) challenged racist comments/inclinations from people in mine and DHs families and seen positive improvements in their views on race over the years. It's a typical privileged attitude to be able to ignore issues about race/immigrants when loads of people in this country can't simply 'ignore' racism when it directly and harmfully affects them.

OP I am with you on the racism stuff, but the other bits about not taking her coat off are not important!

Oozing with insecurities and very, very wrong about where everyone else perceives them to be in the English class system about which they seem bizarrely fixated. And it's not the MIL I am talking about.

itsu and yorick
I'm sorry I come across as flippant about immigrants. My grandparents were interned for being enemy aliens (they lived and worked in Britain from 1930), my grandad nearly died in an 'accidentally' torpedoed ship while being transported to Canada, and my dad grew up in an internment camp. My family were very lucky compared with so many others. When the whole UKIP/immigrant thing flared up a few years ago, I felt extremely vulnerable and slightly unwelcome, like many other people I know, and my MIL made it a lot worse for me with her attitude, despite knowing my family history. She absolutely does not care who she insults as long as she can make her own views public. She doesn't want anyone in this country whether they are Muslims, Jews, Poles, Romanians or anyone else "not pure English". And she has said this often enough that I believe her.

So the film 'Dough', which I found while scrolling Netflix, would be the antithesis of her utopia. And is a great film! Which I very much enjoyed. And enjoyed the thought of her hating it at the same time. Shoot me

Ha, and I thought this thread would be a boring one! I bet your MIL is relieved you aren’t talking to her! She gets to see her DS and DGC without you! Dinner etiquette btw is not to wait, it’s to eat up before it gets cold so she’s quite right. You sound like you think you have more class than you actually do.

Um, ahhh, yeah.... She’s horrible but had you have left out the wine story I’d probably sympathise with you more. She’s horrible because she’s racist and insensitive but not because she buys wine magazines to sound knowledgeable for example. Don’t know why you had to make that point

A light hearted aibu with a resounding YABU.
We're really ruining your evening in with the wine by making you re-examine yourself aren't we?
Ever considered that it's true what they say that men marry their mothers?

the antithesis to her utopia