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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I was unreasonable...but given this don’t I have the right to be?

321 replies

Unreasonablebutjustified · 01/04/2018 12:08

I have been verbally abused and shouted all all morning. It is my own fault but I had my reasons. A bit of background before the incident: My Boyfriends brother is four years younger than him (27) and to put it bluntly - is lazy, hasn’t held down any lengthy or meaningful jobs, unlucky in life etc but is also seen as the angelic golden child by his parents compared to my bf who is naturally ambitious. My bf even gave him one of his old suits for one of his (many) jobs before and he didn’t even give anything towards it even though it was expensive. He’s not a bad person at all but just doesn’t really try hard with anything, no drive and just expects people to give him hand outs and help him all the time.

He recently broke up with yet another girlfriend (surprise surprise...said nobody) and this morning rang my bfs mobile at 8 o clock in the morning. Hungover. Turns out he had been to the pub last night. I could even hear him slurring a few of his words, practically couldn’t make out what he was talking about. He was asking if he could borrow £20. I kept telling my bf no and to hang up and he was trying to interrupt the conversation but the brother was just not listening. In the end I physically took his phone off him and ended the call myself.

I have now found myself being shouted at all morning and have been told that if he chooses to lend his brother money then he will. I said “Lend? You won’t be getting it back.” I am really angry but he is blaming me. Yes, ending the phone call was a little bit rude but I am tired of us always helping him out. If it was a two way street I could understand and be more sympathetic but it’s not. For instance: We always buy him a lovely birthday present on his birthday and a Christmas present at Christmas but he only buys cards for us for our birthdays (sometimes he forgets mine and I don’t even get a card) and for Christmas just a box of chocolates (Cadbury’s - nothing special) I said last Christmas after another predictable box of chocolates that we’re not getting anything for him next year and nothing for his birthday either.

Yes I know I was unreasonable regarding the phone call. I think we can all admit that. But am I BU to be over how I feel about the brother constantly taking advtange of us? I keep trying to explain but he’s having none of it and I just feel like my opinion is not being listened to and I’m made out to be in the wrong.

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 01/04/2018 13:39

How long have you been together? I can’t imagine you’ll be together much longer if you carry on like this.

ZenNudist · 01/04/2018 13:39

Yabu. And mean. And yes, controlling. Thank goodness your dp stood up to you.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/04/2018 13:40

Oh, I can see your point! DH has a DB that even now, in his 50s, would scrounge money and favours on a daily basis if he could.

But DH didn't get to the point where he didn't have to consider his DBs tears because I told him he had to! He got there because I talked to him, discussed how it made him feel, agreed that he didn't have to give away his hard earned cash, possessions or time just because his brother asked... and could turn on the tears at will!

But I followed his lead all the way through that process, I never forced my opinion on him.

We only have your words and you have described yourself as something of a steamroller. No matter how well meaning steamrollers are, they hurt as they flatten all resistance!

peacheachpearplum · 01/04/2018 13:42

If you treated one of my kids like this I'd be really annoyed and advising them to think about the relationship. We often advise our daughter's to be wary of abusive controlling behaviour but forget our sons are also likely to get involved with people who snatch their phone off them and end their phone calls not to mention dictate how they spend their money.

I think you need to consider how you have behaved and how inappropriate it was.

EdmundCleverClogs · 01/04/2018 13:45

I’m disappointed that nobody can see my side of things

This is Am I Being Unreasonable, not Agree With My Side Of Things. You are being unreasonable, up to you what you do with that.

Original poster
Unreasonablebutjustified · 01/04/2018 13:53

I see nobody sees my point. Predictable. But not surprising.

OP posts:
Toffeelatteplease · 01/04/2018 13:53

It really doesn't matter whether you are right that his brother takes advantage.

Once you seek to physically limit your partner's actions you put yourself in the wrong.

If someone is doing wrong by your boyfriend that doesn't justify you doing worse.

Takeaweeseat · 01/04/2018 13:55

Does nobody see my point?

Yes I see your point and you are probably right, but unfortunately most people on here are correct when they say it's not up to you.

It's very frustrating to watch your DP being taken advantage of(been there) but if he won't make a stand himself, you can't 'make' him do it. So probably best to back off and let him deal with it, it's not worth getting upset over. You can advise him but it's up to him.

Bufferingkisses · 01/04/2018 13:57

Caring = discussing a problem you can see calmly, explaining you're worried and why and accepting the decision your partner makes even if you feel it's wrong.

Controlling = what you did.

People can see your point what they can't see is that your way if handling it was right because it wasn't, it was wrong.

Schlimbesserung · 01/04/2018 13:57

I've already said that I can see your point and understand your frustration. That doesn't make it okay for you to end his call.

ButchyRestingFace · 01/04/2018 13:57

I see nobody sees my point. Predictable. But not surprising.

Everyone sees your point.

You're still wrong though. Easter Wink

Idontdowindows · 01/04/2018 13:59

I see nobody sees my point. Predictable. But not surprising.

Why do you even ask AIBU if you're so convinced you have the holy grail of being reasonable right in your hands.

Don't ask a question the answer to which you do not want to know.

Moreisnnogedag · 01/04/2018 14:01

I get it. He's a layabout. Feckless. Selfish. Happy to get as much out of his family's goodwill as he possibly can.

With all that you still don't get to decide what your OH does with his money. Even if I was in a flaming row with my sister, if would be incandescent if my husband took my phone off me. And yeah if I decide to spend some of my money on x that's entirely my own ducking business.

The only thing you have a right to is for your OH not to bitch about his brother to you.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 01/04/2018 14:02

I see nobody sees my point. Predictable. But not surprising.

BOO! [runs around screaming OVER HERE OVER HERE]

I am absolutely certain I posted TWICE that I saw your point!

Was it cos I then went on to say that I still thought your behaviour was overbearing?

Ah well. There's non so blind as shall not see. I hope you and your DP get this sorted out amicably!

lalalalyra · 01/04/2018 14:04

I see nobody sees my point. Predictable. But not surprising.

I think you are the one not seeing the point that everyone is making.

It's not unreasonable to think the brother should stop scrounging.
It's not unreasonable to be frustrated if you think your partner is being taken for a ride.
It's not unreasonable to be annoyed at being woken early on a Sunday morning.

However, it is absolutely unreasonable to try and take control of someone else's sibling relationship by physically removing their phone and trying to control their finances. That is not on.

Just as if your DP was taking the piss out of you by letting you pay for absolutely everything, whilst subbing their brother, your family and friends could be frustrated, and worried, and maybe even pissed off, but they'd have no right to actually intervene physically in your relationship because it would be your choice...

notapizzaeater · 01/04/2018 14:07

Perhaps no one sees your point because YDABU. It's his brother, I'd also be furious

thelionthewitchandthebookcase · 01/04/2018 14:07

I agree it's up to him if he wants to lend his brother money ! Sad

lattewith3shotsplease · 01/04/2018 14:08

OP,
No I don't see your point at all.

What he chooses to do for his Brother is nothing to do with you.

Maybe you need to get a BF who doesn't have family. Then you can dictate all you want to him.

You sound very, very controlling.

TheDogHasEatenIt · 01/04/2018 14:09

Again...we DO see your point, but we DON'T agree with it.
Not your place to decide what your bf does with HIS money.
Yabu, just you, and not your bf!

lattewith3shotsplease · 01/04/2018 14:10

OP,
I hope you aren't planning on having children with this person, or I pity his poor family.

AcrossthePond55 · 01/04/2018 14:11

Why do you say 'predictable'? On what basis do you say that?

Here's my 2 pence. He's your bf, you are not legally tied to him so you are not responsible for his debts should his lending (not 'borrowing' fgs) his brother money put bf in debt. This is why people make a point of it being different if you are married.

If him lending his brother money means that your bf can't pay his own debts, then you are right to be concerned, but should express your concerns calmly. If it means that he can't pay his share of the household expenses (I'm not sure if you're living together) and you are having to subsidies his share then you DO have a right to be pissed off.

If however, bf meets his expenses and is able to do what he wants to do (not what YOU want him to do) after he lends his brother money, then you need to butt out. Especially if it's a situation where bf lends his brother money that you think should be spent on you (not saying that's the case).

But here is one thing; you DO need to keep this situation in mind for the future. You know how bf is and that he's not likely to change. So before you marry or otherwise legally tie yourself to him, think very hard about what that means for the future. And I'd also be giving him the same advice about you. As much as I wouldn't tie myself to someone who constantly bailed out family members, I also wouldn't tie myself to someone who is as controlling as you appear to be.

MrsFezziwig · 01/04/2018 14:12

Predictable. But not surprising.

Predictable means not surprising, so not sure why you’ve phrased it as though they mean the opposite.

This is a familiar scenario and it is really annoying when you see someone being taken advantage of, but unless the brother is taking your last penny (and it doesn’t sound like he’s actually affecting your finances at all) then there’s not a lot you can do. I would suggest treating your partner like a naughty child isn’t the way forward though, and that applies whether you’re gay, straight or a pair of hamsters.

And did you come on here genuinely to seek opinions or were you just expecting everyone to agree with you? In which case, the fact that almost everyone disagrees with you might give you pause for thought.

Springtrolls · 01/04/2018 14:12

I rarely get involved with my dc’s relationships.
If one of them told me what you did this morning I would ask what else had happened. Given the updates as you posted I would advice dump the partner. I would want someone better than you with mine.

Addictedtohavingbabies · 01/04/2018 14:13

Sorry but you sound overbearing and hard work.

ThinkingQueSeraSera · 01/04/2018 14:15

YABVU

I would be fuming if my partner interfered with my relationship with one of my siblings. He's only 23 and it's £20 not £2000. You are beyond unreasonable.