To think this is an april fools joke gone too far!

[Gabbyleo]

I've had enough really. out of any day not Easter. My DCs 8, 5 and 3 have been waiting patiently all month for their chocolate eggs. I wake up this morning to find the Easter eggs all eaten with the the boxing left in the cupboard , the wrappers inside with one smarty, button or malteser left . I put it on the top of the cupboard so only DH and the DS 1&2 (18 and 15) could reach them. I go up to DS room and they were pretending to sleep. I wake them up and they admitted to eating all the Easter eggs. there was 8 of them! I cant actually believe it! They said they were planning to go to shop and buy some replacements but it was closed. They claimed it was an 'April Fool joke but went wrong'. The worst thing was they both found it funny I've told them they have to apologise to younger DCs. That there consoles and phones will be confiscated for all Easter break and that they are grounded and won't be going to any of their friends house. April Fools jokes are supposed to be funny! DH told me in going too far but I don't care sick of them treating the younger ones like shit. Rant over.

Yep!

OP had a perfectly correct initial reaction to what these two did. She told them how shitty they behaved and was sending them off to replace them from their own pocket.

Absolutely!

Her H caused all this cluster fuck and I bet it is not the first time. He undermined her then went off and brought them even more to reward their bad behaviour.

I'm not going to disagree.

He doesn't appear to have given a shit about how upset her youngest would have been.

Maybe, or maybe he was more inclined to try and fix things (which would have been unnecessary if he'd left things alone when OP initially dealt with it) to prevent upset.

Maybe involving MIL went too far but why should they have had even more treats?

There's no maybe about it! Involving MiL was too far and not because of treats, but because it lead to a pack pile in - unacceptable behaviour isn't going to be corrected by driving a wedge between 2 teens and their family. When she allowed the situation to descend into mob attack, the OP demonstrated a kind of petty vindictiveness that was far worse than what her dc did.

With respect to the treats, maybe others do things differently but I would never use gifts from another person as a sanction (although I may have put them in the boot of the car with the explanation that they'd already had a lot of chocolate that day).

The fact that the family is divided into several different camps is not solely because of the husband, there are two parents here and both have to bear responsibility for the way things within the family are currently. This situation which has come to a head now did not happen overnight it has been a long time in the making and nothing appears to have been done to resolve or prevent it escalating apart from running to MIL and involving wider family to bribe or shame as required.

This is an unhealthy environment for everyone and needs some serious and committed work to turn it around.

But OP HAS tried to sort this out before. She said she's spoken to her husband about the way he lets them get away with things, but he won't budge. What else do you suggest she does, apart from LTB?

@motoko the problem is with saying she has spoken to him about the way he lets them get away with things does not acknowledge her part in this (why he does that and the obvious divide it has caused)

Her sorting it out appears to be to blame everyone else without taking responsibility for her part.

So I suggest she faces up to her part in all of this - I am not the only poster who has said this but she seems to be ignoring that

Motoko the OP does bear some responsibility for the situation this divide has been evident for a long time and it seems the OP just defers to her MIL and wider family to deal with her husband and her children which is not the answer.

The OP and her dh need an open and frank conversation as to where and how this has all gone wrong and what they can do together to put it right and both need to own their part in it the whole sorry mess. If they cannot or will not agree and find a middle ground and compromise that they both accept and will implement then I personally don't see what future they have together, staying with the status quo will only make things worse for everyone.

RedDogsBeg

So what do you suggest the OP should have done?

Fruitcorner: its not about what the OP should have done, its about what caused it all to occur: her reactions just further highlight what caused it in the first place

Hindsight is a wonderful thing Fruitcorner but for two people to be so far apart in their parenting ideas was never going to bode well.

However, for this particular instance the whole thing has gone all round Will's Mother's four times and back, it appeared to be resolved then round it goes again and the list of punishments, especially for the 18 year old, just gets longer and longer. It spiralled out of control because neither parent communicates properly with the other and the OP is part of that problem.

Its very tricky when the parents are on different pages with parenting. One of them has to change for the parenting to work. In this case its obvious to us it shoould be the dad buy clearly not to him. Ultimately if the dad refuses to change the OP has only 2 choices so she either has to leave him (not easy for anyone but especially when you have 5 kids together) or try her best despite her DH. She seems to have chosen the latter and I don't blame her for that.

I hope you get through to your DH. I dont think you have done anything wrong in this situation although arguably Easter day was the culmination of years of parenting differently and not resolving it together!

It could be a good thing that this has all come to a head as OP and her dh can now see clearly the effect their incompatible parenting has had and is having on their children. Hopefully, it could be the catalyst for beneficial change for all of them.

No its not obvious it should be the Dad - its obvious it needs to be BOTH

With you all the way OP.

I'm going to have to really disagree with all the posters who have said the boys must have been pushed out, left to their own devices, not given enough time etc teenagers are perfectly capable of justifying all sorts of behaviour in their own heads (and I bet the boys egged each other on). Swearing at you and hurting a small child is beyond the pale though and I'm glad your husband stepped in finally.
No real advice I'm afraid but there's lots of families out the dealing with angry and even violent teenagers so hang in there. I think it sounds like you're doing a great job, just need your DH to present a united front. Hopefully he's starting to see the consequences of coddling DS1&2. I would be worried that he would agree to secretly pay for DS1 driving lessons to entice him to stay.

How are things now @Gabbyleo?