To think this is an april fools joke gone too far!

[Gabbyleo]

I've had enough really. out of any day not Easter. My DCs 8, 5 and 3 have been waiting patiently all month for their chocolate eggs. I wake up this morning to find the Easter eggs all eaten with the the boxing left in the cupboard , the wrappers inside with one smarty, button or malteser left . I put it on the top of the cupboard so only DH and the DS 1&2 (18 and 15) could reach them. I go up to DS room and they were pretending to sleep. I wake them up and they admitted to eating all the Easter eggs. there was 8 of them! I cant actually believe it! They said they were planning to go to shop and buy some replacements but it was closed. They claimed it was an 'April Fool joke but went wrong'. The worst thing was they both found it funny I've told them they have to apologise to younger DCs. That there consoles and phones will be confiscated for all Easter break and that they are grounded and won't be going to any of their friends house. April Fools jokes are supposed to be funny! DH told me in going too far but I don't care sick of them treating the younger ones like shit. Rant over.

dementedma

Would dh mind the wee ones while you take DS out on his own to Costa or something and have a one to one talk with him?

If I'm honest I haven't a serious one to one talk with DS15 in weeks maybe even month. Whenever i try is brain is invested into his phone. It's like in talking to a brick wall. I know that we won't be up for a chat with me or dh after yesterday. The only person he seems to have serious conversations with in the family is DS18 and maybe DH when they are in good terms (which they currently seem not to be on)

I was 'lucky' enough to have MUlti Systemic Therapy when DD went off the rails. It's a very very regimented one to one therapy where you come down really hard for every single misdemeanour. For every bad behaviour there is a consequence. It made things much worse at first but then I started seeing results.

Bring in a punishment for bad behaviour and stick to it , your DH will have to be onside though , for it to work. It sounds drastic (and it is) but the therapy does work. Your kids don't sound as bad as the ones that are referred for this therapy but if you don't clamp down now , they will .

Bloody kids .

www.mstuk.org/about/about-2

Being violent to a 5 year old is absolutely not on and you and dh need to together make this crystal clear to ds15.

You need to protect your younger children.

Ds18 thinks he can find a cushier set up than he already had - good luck to him - it ain't gonna happen!

Does cousin have own place? Can't see them putting up with ds18 making no contributions financially or practically and expecting his arse wiped for him! Just the wake up call he needs actually.

Dh needs reminded he is at least partially responsible for how they are both behaving. The answer though isn't suddenly to turn into Capt von trapp! They'll just rail against it.

Honestly I think you need outside help. And if you don't ask for it, you may find someone else imposes it on you especially if they find out your ds15 is abusing his younger siblings and you and dh can't manage the situation.

School and hv might be able to point you in the right direction.

Your older sons then, have not only not been punished, they've had five times more eggs than your DCs and your husband was prepared for your DD not to have an egg at all as he claimed that was one of the ones that went in the bin.

I couldn't live with him. He take the older ones with him and fuck off.

Sorry I didn't rtft

Ok I think from reading your posts you have accidentally created 2 groups of children and an us vs them (it’s not a coincidence I don’t think that initially it comes across as a blended family)

All of the behaviour screams out resentment and dislike from the older ones to the younger ones, feelings of being pushed aside and left out leading to anger

Your oldest is battling against growing up, why should he do stuff the younger ones don’t. DS15 is stuck between the two and you seem far too reliant on your MIL for time and money because you are overstretched.

You have probably defaulted to the younger set and your DH the older two which has further created the divide. I think you have let the idea that their ages mean they are independent and left them to it, whereas actually late teens need as much support and encouragement as a baby/toddler

So my advice. First off I think you need to embrace your role in creating this and what your older two are trying to say.
Secondly get on the same page as your DH as to how to handle it
Start interacting with your older ones

I honestly thought the older two must be stepchildren from the way you talked about them. It just doesn't sound like the way a parent would talk about their kids.

ablatant

I honestly thought the older two must be stepchildren from the way you talked about them. It just doesn't sound like the way a parent would talk about their kids.

Comments like this really upset me. I guess it shows how bad the relationship is with them. The problem is it feels like they are different kids from before. This problem has been happening for about a year and a half now. I want to really fix the broken relationship we have. I love all my children equally. I hate that it looks like I don't.

It just doesn't sound like the way a parent would talk about their kids.

Yes, it does. It sounds like a parent would talk about one adult young man and one 15 year old young man who are both behaving artrociously towards their siblings.

Just because as parents we love our children, doesn't mean we always like them or that there aren't times when we'd gladly stick them behind the wallpaper and leave them there.

Hang on. A 15 year old has hurt a 3 year old. This is beyond taking phones and grounding.

Or is it a 5 year old? Either way, that sort of behaviour needs proper intervention and the younger child needs protection.

I honestly thought the older two must be stepchildren from the way you talked about them. It just doesn't sound like the way a parent would talk about their kids.

I agree and I also think that there is an us v them situation, I'm frankly not surprised that the older two are acting out.

The DH hasn't covered himself in glory but neither has the OP TBH, running to her MIL rather than parenting her kids herself.

Yes but the more you see them as different the further away you pull and the more they become different

In order to fix it though I think you have to take responsibility for your part in it and what has caused it and the anger they feel towards the younger ones

Even yesterday you used MIL as a punishment that speaks volumes I think of the divide created in your family

They played a joke that went wrong, they're teenagers fgs. They were going to replace the eggs, but the shops were shut.
Tell them off, send them out to find other eggs and get over it

It wasnt a 'joke' they ate all of someone elses eggs including a prize won at school, freaking 8 of them! Then they couldnt be bothered to go and get more.
Then thier stupid dad went for them AND bought the two selfish greedy gits MORE eggs. So basically they got 5 eggs each and every one else got 1.

There is no remorse no punishment unless op does it with her spineless dh whining about it.

Damm right they should learn consequences of thier actions and her dp needs to grow up too. He isnt one of the kids friends he is a parent. A shit one and he needs to buck up and see he is turning his kids into selfish arrogant assholes.

Gabby I can understand why you'd talk about them like that, they're turning into nasty men. I hope they're not too old to turn into lovely men.

Well I guess it is like 2 families-the two older ones grew up together for a few years before the others came along.

Were they left to look after themselves when the younger ones cae along?

Either way-why can't you just go out with the 15yr old for a walk or something?

There doesn't have to be a talk involved, but maybe if there is something bothering him it would be a chance to say?

Just listen?

They are turning into angry young men because they feel abandoned by their mum in favour of younger siblings, yes they should learn the consequences of their actions but the OP needs to face up to the consequences of hers if she is going to bring it back. And she can, the whole event was big flashing arrow of what they are feeling and why

If the older one flounces off I'm sure the cousin won't want them around for long. It might be a laugh for a short while but the mundane washing up, cleaning, shopping and paying hills is Grown Up Stuff and it end up in rows and resentment.

The younger one sounds like they are following in the wake of the older one with even less maturity to think about actionable and consequences - maybe it's best to have some distance between the two.

The age gap thing is rubbish - our family was the same (2 groups of kids with an age gap - All same parents) and the older 'gang' looked out for us and aged with us even though as the little ones, we had to take more of our parents time because - hey, we were little and couldn't change our own nappies!

It sounds like it's all descended into a toxic atmosphere in your house, and tempers are flaring so no one will listen to anyone else. I'd say take the younger 3 out for the day if you can, let everyone calm down, and maybe tackle it again calmly tomorrow. And if there's anyway you can keep the older two separate for the day even better, so they don't wind each other up.

Your DH going out to buy more eggs is just crap, and as for not letting DS18 move out because he's not mature enough, how does he expect hom to mature?! Let DS 18 go, he'll learn very quickly how to look after himself, and that other people won't mollycoddle him the way his dad does. He'll probably end up in a bit of a crappy flat, and with smelly clothes, but that's not the worst thing!

OP my heart goes out to you. I definitely don’t think you sound like you don’t love your older DSs equally, if anything you are super forgiving of them. What’s your DH proposing to do to punish DS15 for his appalling behaviour towards DS5?

Shoving the little one was just not on though. Sounds like a frustrated and angry young man - is he doing exams now or is there other stuff going on that is making him angry and resentful? I really hope he is sorry and tries to make it up to his little brother.

Your DH has reminded me why it is good being a single parent. and reminded me about an incident that still needs to be properly addressed

you are doing well. it is hard to parent well when someone is undermining you. you have had some good advie on the thread. think what will work for you and your family.

with one of mine, if he does not want to listen, then he does not get what he wants for even longer.

Sorry to upset you. Some people have agreed and some have disagreed, so it's up to you how you take it or see truth in it.

But yes, really - I kept expecting you to say "the older two are from his first marriage", which would have explained everything about the way you wrote about them, like they were nothing to do with you and were really your DH's problem as he spoiled them.

Look; they took the younger children's chocolate, it was cruel and stupid and teenagery of them. But take it down a notch on the drama, they didn't nail a puppy to the wall or burn the house down with the little ones locked inside, they went too far in a vindictive joke.

I'd have been furious too but I'd have asked myself why they did that. Why did they want to hurt their siblings? Why is it an "us" and "them" situation? Why the attention-seeking? An age gap alone doesn't explain that, it has to be something else.

I disagree with others on something else too: your MIL sounds overly strict and dramatically over-involved to me.

You didn't need the entire family to pile on and and tell them off and remove lifelong benefits like learning to drive - how does that fix anything? No wonder your husband reverted and sympathised with them again. Your DH is probably still rebelling against his mum and you by extension. Not always fun to live with I imagine, but you're part of all this dynamic too.