To think this is an april fools joke gone too far!

[Gabbyleo]

I've had enough really. out of any day not Easter. My DCs 8, 5 and 3 have been waiting patiently all month for their chocolate eggs. I wake up this morning to find the Easter eggs all eaten with the the boxing left in the cupboard , the wrappers inside with one smarty, button or malteser left . I put it on the top of the cupboard so only DH and the DS 1&2 (18 and 15) could reach them. I go up to DS room and they were pretending to sleep. I wake them up and they admitted to eating all the Easter eggs. there was 8 of them! I cant actually believe it! They said they were planning to go to shop and buy some replacements but it was closed. They claimed it was an 'April Fool joke but went wrong'. The worst thing was they both found it funny I've told them they have to apologise to younger DCs. That there consoles and phones will be confiscated for all Easter break and that they are grounded and won't be going to any of their friends house. April Fools jokes are supposed to be funny! DH told me in going too far but I don't care sick of them treating the younger ones like shit. Rant over.

Your last post made me tear up OP. This service helped my DM and DB get back on track after their relationship had broken down. We have a much better relationship now although he can still be an entitled little shit sometimes.
He had stolen a lot more than easter eggs from me at that point and had got violent with our DB. www.relate.org.uk/relationship-help/help-family-life-and-parenting

Quartz they don't have to feel like that. My DC are 27, 26, 10 and 6. My older 2 would never even think of doing anything so dreadful. They certainly don't feel abandoned, but younger children do take up more time. At Gabby's DSs ages, they should be able to accept that.

I agree with pp that your 2 oldest and dp sound like a 'gang' but now your dp is being played for a fool by both of them.
Hopefully he has now woken up to thier bad behaviour and will get on the same page as you.

Moving out could be the best thing for eldest as he is in for the shock of his life having to pay rent and pull his weight and feed himself and do his washing. Just dont allow dp to tell him you will do his washing or sub him when he spends all his money on having a good time.

Spending time with your 15yr old could help relations. I know how hard it is with teens. Mine can be a complete selfish know it all. But despite him being a foot taller and broader than me when he has a teen strop and gets arrogant and arsey i remove all the cables for all the consoles and pcs and take them to work 😀 gives him 8 hours to consider his behaviour. Its bloody tough sometimes and i think all we do is argue but underneath there is still my lovely boy, he just gets lost sometimes.

I was with yesterday, I think their behaviour was horrible but today is different. You both handled this badly, how do you expect the older too to handle it well and have their shit together when you are your dh clearly haven't a fucking clue what you are doing.

You need to sit down privately with your dh and sort your shit out. If you had done that all this drama would have been sorted by yesterday lunch time. All it needed was a stern lecture and a long walk for them to the shops with their own money to replace. Later this week you could have handled the housekeeping money and chores as a separate issue.

Your mil should never have been involved, definitely not the rest of the family, no dessert, give away their eggs, hide their clothes, dress them as bunnies, humiliate them on social media - no wonder the older two are fucked up, you lost the moral high ground yesterday when you acted like bullies around the lunch table. At least your dh had the sense to stop the social media humiliation. You both sound disgraceful. And just to be clear, the egg eating was awful but they clearly didn't lick their behaviour off a stone

I've just read some of this to DH...his response..'What spiteful little bastards'

I see the 18 yr old has gone to his cousins...pack his stuff up...bag it up... drop it off...
The 15 year old is more of a problem...as is your DH....

If it was me I would, for today, take the younger kids out somewhere...tell DH to sort the 15yr old..have a solution by the time you get back or they can both leave...maybe stay at his mothers if she has room...

I think there are issues in your family system OP which could be helped a lot with support. You seem to feel and behave quite powerlessly, your H undermines you and favours the older children, you are therefore protective of the younger children and more distant from the older children. Your older children bully the younger ones. I think systemic therapy could be really helpful to you all.

I don't really see that OP can deal with this better while her DH undermines her.

I don't really see that OP can deal with this better while her DH undermines her.

I'm really mad at DH he's a shit parent and I ended up having a go at him today. He asked if I regret having kids with him. I didn't respond which made him mad. I don't regret having kids I just regret not dealing with this problem earlier. DH doesn't think we need counselling which I think is insane.

I told him he went too far with DS15 and shouldn't of threatened violence towards are son. He got mad at me saying I'm never happy with him Thatcher can't do anything right blah blah. He thinks we should talk DS15 to MIL so she can look after him. I disagreed. Why should she? She's 70+ she doesn't need this sort of stress. Told DH I don't want him sleeping in my bed until this situation is sorted.

Thanks all for the therapy websites. Will defiantly check them out!

I'm really mad at DH he's a shit parent and I ended up having a go at him today. He asked if I regret having kids with him. I didn't respond which made him mad. I don't regret having kids I just regret not dealing with this problem earlier. DH doesn't think we need counselling which I think is insane.
FFS we are talking about a kid eating siblings' chocolate.Not great but not the crime of the century.All you had to do was tell them off , drag them out of bed and send/take them to the nearest to the nearest convenience shop or petrol station and get some more. Then enjoy the rest of the day (which is pretty much what your DH wanted to do.
But no, you totally overreacted with over the top punishments.Can't you see that you are then leaving your DH no place to go but side with his older kids when he perceives you are treating them unfairly.

" DH he's a shit parent "

How long has he bee like that?

Have you asked your "D"H to read this thread OP and see the overwhelming response to his behaviour and choices. It might make him think a bit when he sees outsiders point of view!

DH thinks I'm 'having a go at him' so showing him the thread may not be a good idea. He hates me telling people about our family issues.

You need to stop expecting MIL to parent your children.

It all sounds so toxic and dramatic.

Your DH is a massive, massive problem. And it doesn’t sound like he wants to listen or change.

All this having a go is just creating stress and anger.

You and DH need to sit down and get on the same page.

Do you think he cares more about the older boys? If so, tell him that. Then he can tell you what he thinks and somehow, you can find middle ground.

If not, maybe it’s time to consider big changes.

Oh, and ignore any other hard of thinking gobshite who goes on about how it was a bit of chocolate. They clearly don’t have the mental capacity to understand there’s a real problem here.

FFS we are talking about a kid eating siblings' chocolate.Not great but not the crime of the century.All you had to do was tell them off , drag them out of bed and send/take them to the nearest to the nearest convenience shop or petrol station and get some more

Yep..they ate siblings chocolate...but the 18 yr old is an adult old and the 15 year old is old enough to know better...

Drag them out of bed?? They shouldn't have needed to be dragged...they knew they had taken it...it should have been replaced...at the very least willingly and with apologies..

And to the dragging it out over the day..if DH had backed OP up...made them get up, go and replace at their own expense that would have been the end of it but he didn't, he backed the juvenile behaviour of the adult son and 15 yr old..

I'm sorry but I think you need to stop seeing the mil as the solution. Your DC need to see YOU and dh as the ones being in charge. If you go Mil for disciple it'll only further undermine you.

It sounds awful. And I have every sympathy for you. Has your Ds 15 ever done anything physically towards the little ones before? Or is this an escalation?

What would be too much? When would your dh admit there is an issue that perhaps you need help dealing with?

good luck op. I would push the therapy. I see pp have posted some useful links to places.

^ I agree - MIL has good intentions and I understand why the OP involved her, but ultimately the parents need to be able to manage this themselves and if that cannot be resolved maybe the one who is actively undermining will need to go. Children, even 18 year olds, need good boundaries.

Op and her dh are not consistent with anything. They openly disagree in front of the kids. When op tries to punish one of them her dh undermines her authority. Hence her going to her MIL, as he can't undermine her in the same way.

The problem is with your dh. Until you sort out the issues with him and get on the same page in regards to consequences and acceptable behaviour AND being a united front in front of the kids, this will never change. And the cycle will repeat with the younger ones.

If you can't or if he refuses, then I would seriously consider leaving him. At least then you will some control in your own home. At the moment you have none, not even a tiny bit.

Hopefully without his older brother to follow he will calm down.

He needs structure and discipline.
Angry loud words will only fuel his behaviour of angry and loud words.

Trust me I know that's easier said than done!

Perhaps a family day out where all the kids can be involved... how about Alton towers where there is rides for everyone and you can go on some big rides with the eldest and ditto the youngest. Showing them equal attention.

He possibly feels you have no time for him when the younger ones need more attention? Don't write him off just yet.

Set chores on certain days and show exactly what the consequences of not doing the chores are. Then he knows where he stands.

If your dh had backed you up to start with and marched the little wretches to the shop to buy more eggs, all this drama wouldn't have been necessary. They would have seen a united front. The older boys seem very confused, which is understandable, as your dh is veering from good cop to bad. He is either steps up in a consistent and adult way or he follows your lead on parenting - no undermining you for a start.

Your eldest needs to move out and grow up. The 15 year old needs to be away from him. Set him some reasonable chores and boundaries, with rewards and, hopefully, he'll stop being a dick.

5plusMeAndHim
How exactly do you physically “drag” an 18 year old man and a 15 year old boy out of bed and “make” them do anything ?

It’s not about eating chocolate and you know it.
If the OP hadn’t discovered what they’d done before the younger children saw it what do you think would’ve happened?
The older sons didn’t care about that. It’s not about the eggs it’s about the intent behind it and the husband’s behavior- But you already know that.

I agree. There is obviously middle ground between what Op's husband feels was too much discipline/punishment from his mum & no consequences for anything!

Also, if they get away with everything-they probably won't respect him, maybe not even like him-just take the piss & get out of him what they can.

It's also not the older children's fault that they have lacked clear boundaries and consistent parenting. This is not about punishing them for the shortcomings of their parents. But they do need clear boundaries and fair expectations. I think the risk is that kicking out the 18 year old might feel like 'solving the problem' but it's more like removing the symptom. He has said he's going, I would let him go, but I would let him come back if he agrees to meet expectations. He sounds ill-equipped to make his way in the world (I know MN thinks 18 year olds are fully mature - I don't though) and he has had a lousy male role model. The 18 year old should be punished but not demonised or ostracized.