To ask you to please help me keep my kids safe.

[Happyland8]

I'm going to Spain this summer for a family wedding. DH was supposed to be coming but work commitments now mean that I'll be going alone with my 4 year old and 1 year old (she'll be 2 when we go).

We will be staying at a shared villa with a pool. I'm feeling extremely anxious about the whole trip. I had a situation when DD2 was 2 where I was at a family gathering. I went upstairs to the toilet at my siblings house and someone there went out the front door and left it open and i came back down and found DD in the middle of a busy road and in all honesty, i feel so worried now unless DH & I are both there so that one of us can watch the kids at all times.

I'm worried about the swimming pool and the risk of either of them falling in without anyone noticing, I'm worried that while I'm helping one child, something awful could happen to the other. It's not possible for me to have my eyes on both children every second of every minute of every day and the people in my villa are all extremely laid back parents. I'm just so nervous about the whole situation.

Does anyone have any helpful, practical safety tips that may be useful?

I'm very grateful for any help. Thank you.

I also wouldn’t go, I would pretend to be ill. But if that’s not an option I would watch them both at all times myself (it is possible), and ignore any comments about how I need to lighten up. Say, calmly but flatly, that you must watch them because of the pool. Pool alarms etc. are not 100% reliable. I frequently stayed with someone in the South of France who was incredibly relaxed about almost everything except the pool (which was alarmed) - all parents got a massive lecture from him about it on arrival, you are not being silly. Do whatever you have to do: sit in the evenings where you have an overview of their room or otherwise insist on doors being locked and other precautions. Most people do not give it much thought if it doesn’t affect them, if they think it’s a bit daft who cares, you are right to be careful. This should hopefully help with the anxiety because you will be watching them all the time and then they will come to no harm.

It has crossed my mind that in a strange way, the kids may be safer. I won't be consuming any alcohol, I'll have my guard up the whole time etc. If DH and I were both there, we'd both be relaxed a bit (at times anyway) and may let our guard down.

@Happyland8

DH is in the army and will be on deployment. No way round that and certainly not his choice.

So what if your husband is in the army? They would have known he was going to a family wedding, and he must have requested the leave (and had it approved,) because you said he WAS going before. Why are they 'deploying' him if plans have already been made?

What if had been YOUR wedding to HIM? Or your child's Christening? Would he miss THEM, because the army are 'deploying' him?

I still call bullshit. He doesn't want to go, and has probably volunteered to work to avoid it. As I said, he must have requested the 'leave' if he was going, and it's highly unlikely they would have cancelled it, especially if it was for a trip abroad for a family wedding.

I know several people who are (and have been) in the army, so I know they would not have cancelled his leave for just no reason, and 'deployed him.' Not when they know he had plans to go abroad for a family wedding.

And as has been said, why do you HAVE to go?

Why are they 'deploying' him if plans have already been made?

Because national security is more important to the army than a family holiday (whether leave has been approved or not).

What if had been YOUR wedding to HIM? Or your child's Christening? Would he miss THEM, because the army are 'deploying' him?

The answer to this is also yes. It depends on the situation but if the army need him, they need him. I know many women who have had their husbands miss the birth of their children, who've had to cancel once in a lifetime holidays etc etc. That's army life.

Why is not going not an option? Sibling’s wedding?

As you say, you’ll have to be “on it” all the time, and keep DC close by. Unless you trust other adults to watch one or both DC for v short periods.

Personally i just wouldn't go. It would be miserable for me and all the clear boundaries etc would mean nothing to my dc. My parents have suggested villa with a pool for us all and i say no way because my parents are really laid back and would forget to lock pools and would leave balcony doors open etc. My dad just shrugs and says 'well how am I supposed to know your kids could drown/run in the road/jump off the balcony - WE just told you NO!!!'

But if you are still going i would recommend supergluing These to them . Not drinking. Instilling the fear of god into all the other adults and saying that if they leave the gates/doors open you will cut off one of their toes for every time. CoSleeping with both dc so you are literally with them 24/7 and then only power napping with one eye open and holding one in each hand. Get used to everyone going to the toilet and showering together. Never trust one of the other adults with them. Coming home and going on a relaxing holiday alone to get over this one.

Kimamda you can’t be serious! You clearly have no idea how the armed forces work!

As for people saying they wouldn’t go to a villa with a pool with children- how ridiculous! Just watch the children. Don’t let them near the pool. Keep the door locked when you are inside so they can’t get out.

They will melt in the lifejackets unless permanently in the pool, where they will fry. But you are not wrong to treat the pool as a risk.

Yes, eyes all the time unless asleep. That means no phone and no book. Or fenced off pool, or people helping.

Two under fours is not a holiday. Why bother?

I wouldn’t have been able to manage a trip like that with DC of that age.

DH was in the army and he saw leave cancellation frequently for deployment.

I would go to a villa with a pool with just me/us and my children. I wouldn't go with other adults who I couldn't trust (which is all of them).

In a similar situation I used proper baby reins (not cute backpacks) and tied the children to stuff. They were untied one at a time under total supervision to ramble about and could move a few feet when tethered. Everyone said I was over the top, but my parents had managed to lose DS at home when 18mo and he crawled out of the open front door and down the road towards the sweet shop.

And holiday villas with pools often have slippery tiled floors of doom.

An unfamiliar environment with incautious adults AND a pool is a lot of work for one adult with two small children.

Er yeah I do. I know people IN the army.

Nice try tho!

kimanda you definitely can have approved leave cancelled in the armed forces. Several friends and relatives in the forces. Depends on the reason for deployment obviously, and on your job, as to whether they can offer any flexibility.

Hi OP - I have had similar holidays with family - including siblings who are childless and have no idea about safety & toddlers. I would / did share your worries- and I do think it's a very real risk.

I bought the life jackets referred to upthread, and I'm afraid it wasn't much of a holiday for me - I felt the need to keep my eyes on them practically all the time.

It depends on your family - but mine were fine with this - I had a system where if I needed someone to watch a child, I would hand over to one person. That one person would have to watch the child the whole time, until they handover back to me, or hand to one other person.

This stops the "shared responsibility/nobody actually watching them, oops they're in the pool" risk. IMO, the risk arises when everyone thinks someone else is looking after them.

kimamda - your comments are laughable. Most of my friends husbands are going too, it's a very important commitment for the armed forces. I've been a military wife for a long, long time. You don't sound like you know much about Army life.

I think I would have to cancel in that situation. Sorry not very helpful.

I think your best bet is to definitely have the dc with you at all times. It will be the only way to guarantee their safety, if the pool is not fenced off/separate area.

It is possible, but bloody hard work. Do you have travel baby equipment, or will some be available at the villa? Think about taking an extra travel cot, so 2 year old could be popped in there for 5 mins (or could just go in the one used for sleep, but might be useful to be able to put up a spare in a shady bit near the pool when you’re out there) while you nip to the loo, otherwise you just take them with you. Every time. If your 4 year old needs the toilet, go and change 2 year olds nappy at the same time, so you can shadow your 4 year old. If the 2 year old needs a nappy change, take the 4 year old as a ‘helper’. Use these times to go to the loo yourself, so there is less need for you to be away from them.

Accept you won’t be much time to relax and chat with other adults, and spend waking hours focussed on your dc. Other adults can always join in with you, doing activities with your dc, but fully expect to be a single minded entertainer for the duration.

Tbh, it’s not that different from being at home, if you get decent travel equipment sorted, given you must be used to periods of managing by yourself since your H is in the forces. With the addition of a pool, which is a major safety concern, but manageable.

kimanda absoloutly hilarious, if you 'really' know people IN the army you'd be more than aware that approved leave can be and is cancelled regularly. My friends own wedding had to be rescheduled twice because of training exercises that her (now) husband had to go on.

Oh, agree with a pp. if you do have to hand over control, do it like pilots do: formally hand over control and responsibility to one person, and do not accept they have control until they verbally confirm it to you.

H and I used to use this sort of handover when keeping eyes on dd1 (has severe ASD) when she was younger and we were out and about, as it was all to easy, eg in a supermarket or shopping centre, to assume the other was keeping an eye out, so it became “H, you have dd1, she’s your responsibility”; “yes, I have dd1, got her” - without the confirmation, nothing doing. IT focuses the other persons mi d, rather than a vague, ‘mmm, yes, of course I’ll keep an eye out’