Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh’s Bankhol

145 replies

Wallabaloo · 31/03/2018 13:46

Dh and I both work, me part time he ft, we have kids 10 and 8.
This bankhol he has been to play sports on Friday 8am to 3pm, today 8am to 1pm, and will be on Monday midday to 6pm. He is going out with his mother to the theatre this evening, leaving the house at 5pm and back at midnight. On Sunday he’s planning to go to church in the morning then spend the rest of the day eating a massive roast lamb and drinking red wine with his mum.
I know it’s fine to have other interests from one another, but I basically hate all the things he’s doing – except for church. There is just an assumption that I will look after the children whenever he’s not around. I feel like crying right now.
AIBU to think this is ridiculous weekend?
I have told him I’m not happy, and all he says is that you knew I was doing all this and you agreed (I don’t remember being told) and also that we are going on holiday next week for 10 days. Holidays all chosen by him, and he is skiing. He is teaching the children to ski. I can’t ski. I’m not learning. I might to do a bit of yoga while they are all off.

OP posts:
Yarboosucks · 31/03/2018 13:48

I have to ask… What are your alternative suggestions? Is he perhaps filling a void?

Gilead · 31/03/2018 13:49

Has anyone asked what you would like to do?

Original poster
Wallabaloo · 31/03/2018 13:51

He’s just carrying on like he did before we met. He comes from a family line of adventurous, outgoing men: whilst the females stay at home, cook and wait to hear ‘all about it’ when they return.

OP posts:
Yarboosucks · 31/03/2018 13:52

Are you adventurous and outgoing?

Original poster
Wallabaloo · 31/03/2018 13:53

Not especially, but I love family days out as a choice. Just get left behind as I’m not as forceful as him.

OP posts:
Yarboosucks · 31/03/2018 13:55

I don't get this, if you meet a sporty person, who enjoys activities like skinning for example, do you expect them to stop when they have children?

Speaking from experience here - I married a skier and I had never seen a mountain! I learnt to ski and love it. Family ski holidays are so much fun with DCs

Yarboosucks · 31/03/2018 13:56

skinning???? Skiing DOH!

smartiecake · 31/03/2018 13:56

I think you should sit him down and explain how you feel and how you want to spend more family time together, and he can do some things and you do somethings OP. And why have you agreed to a skiing holiday if you dont ski? It sounds like your husband has all the power and you have no voice in your relationship. Has he always been selfish with his own time?

Original poster
Wallabaloo · 31/03/2018 13:57

It’s the bankhol I’m annoyed about more than the skiing.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/03/2018 13:57

Why aren't you joining in? Surely you and the children could join him at his mother's?

I don't mean this in any way as a dig but, from what you've posted, you sound a bit incompatible as a couple, ie. you don't like the same things.

What compromise do you have for each other? What do you agree on doing together? I don't see that you need to be 'forceful', just that you need to communicate better together.

Allthewaves · 31/03/2018 13:58

Dont go skiing. Let him take the kids and you pack yourself off to somewhere sunny

Original poster
Wallabaloo · 31/03/2018 13:59

Sadly he gets aggressive with me when I explain how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wallabaloo · 31/03/2018 14:00

His mother’s coming here for their theatre trip, and staying over for lunch tomorrow. they are both gourmands and wine lovers so will be chatting all day about one sodding meal.

OP posts:
smartiecake · 31/03/2018 14:01

Aggressive how?
What do you get out of the relationship OP?

Original poster
Wallabaloo · 31/03/2018 14:01

We’re clearly massively incompatible sorry I just came on here for a rant.

OP posts:
Gilead · 31/03/2018 14:01

Don't engage with aggression. Walk away and do your own thing. If he organises something then you let him know you have other plans. Start making plans for yourself. If you're not sporty, perhaps a book club, or a knitting group. You are supposed to be a partnership, this is not a partnership. You are not a slave.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 31/03/2018 14:02

Why dont you go to the sports with him and join in.

Jon66 · 31/03/2018 14:03

Your choice is either to put up with it, or get yourself a life outside of the marriage by indulging in things you enjoy. Nothing wrong with you going to a yoga class twice a week and out with a friend for drinks or whatever you feel you need to do for yourself. Seems to me you need to rely less on him for company and do more for yourself. As women it's difficult for us to prioritise ourselves because we have had centuries of being pliable and being the stay at home looking after the kids.
Actually I would also have a bit of a problem with him doing so much over the weekend when it is traditionally 'family time', but if that is the way it normally is, and you aren't happy, look outside the marriage for fulfilment of your social needs.
And if he is difficult about looking after the children when you are off out, tough, I would go anyway. You need to get a bit of equality into the marriage.

Leeds2 · 31/03/2018 14:05

I would probably make plans to go and do something with the DC tomorrow, just you and them. Let DH and his mother get on with it.

agedknees · 31/03/2018 14:05

Why aren’t you going to the theatre as well?

Goodadvice1980 · 31/03/2018 14:06

In which case, why did you marry him and have children with him?
Confused

Original poster
Wallabaloo · 31/03/2018 14:06

It’s golf, I have to be here for the kids I can’t swan around a course with him for 5 hours at a time.

I can’t do anything in the evenings as his work is unpredictable but never home before 8pm.

My two days off are just chores and admin.

He’s a high earner so seems to think he can do as he wishes the rest of the time.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 31/03/2018 14:07

And next weekend, tell him you are going out for the day, by yourself or with friends, and that it is his turn to look after the DC.

WinnieFosterTether · 31/03/2018 14:08

Flowers holidays are always difficult if you're with a selfish, uncompromising arse.
You need to start organising your own time and your own activities. Then he can't present you with a fait accompli.

smartiecake · 31/03/2018 14:09

He sounds completely selfish and does not prioritise your family. Sounds like he likes living like a single man

Swipe left for the next trending thread