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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh’s Bankhol

145 replies

Wallabaloo · 31/03/2018 13:46

Dh and I both work, me part time he ft, we have kids 10 and 8.
This bankhol he has been to play sports on Friday 8am to 3pm, today 8am to 1pm, and will be on Monday midday to 6pm. He is going out with his mother to the theatre this evening, leaving the house at 5pm and back at midnight. On Sunday he’s planning to go to church in the morning then spend the rest of the day eating a massive roast lamb and drinking red wine with his mum.
I know it’s fine to have other interests from one another, but I basically hate all the things he’s doing – except for church. There is just an assumption that I will look after the children whenever he’s not around. I feel like crying right now.
AIBU to think this is ridiculous weekend?
I have told him I’m not happy, and all he says is that you knew I was doing all this and you agreed (I don’t remember being told) and also that we are going on holiday next week for 10 days. Holidays all chosen by him, and he is skiing. He is teaching the children to ski. I can’t ski. I’m not learning. I might to do a bit of yoga while they are all off.

OP posts:
Yarboosucks · 31/03/2018 14:59

We don't know that he hits OP - only that he would probably hit me….

Littlelambpeep · 31/03/2018 15:01

Tomorrow I would let dh and hisother get on with it. Straight after dinner,head out with yourself. Leave them wash up and go for your walk/coffee or wine and don't be back until late. Then when you are back from holiday make sure you book hair appointments yoga or whatever for Saturday mornings

MiddleAgedMe · 31/03/2018 15:09

How would he react if you told him you'd decided not to come along on the ski holiday but have booked yourself something that suits you better and are going to have a bit of time alone to rest and indulge yourself a bit?

Laserbird16 · 31/03/2018 15:33

Sorry I jumped the gun there but still doesn't sound great. Go for that walk tomorrow OP unless there is more to this, then run!

Parker231 · 31/03/2018 15:34

What activities and hobby classes do you go to?

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 31/03/2018 15:37

You'd have more free time if you were divorced and he had the DC every other weekend.

smartiecake · 31/03/2018 15:47

Is he violent towards you OP?

Lotsofplanetshaveanorth · 31/03/2018 15:50

There was a thread a couple of weeks ago called something like ‘DH schedule’ - the op had some similar challenges and I think there was some good advice. Hope you find some ways through with or without him

Original poster
Wallabaloo · 31/03/2018 15:52

Yes, I’ve posted about it before under other usernames. The last time he grabbed me around the throat for a few seconds because I was laughing at him. But I’ve been ko’d before whilst pregnant. Pushed off a chair. Whacked in the face in the car.

But I’ve also posted about my long standing v low self esteem and I’ve had eating disorders before. Basically frightened to be on my own.

I do not know where to start with leaving.

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 31/03/2018 15:57

Start with Women's Aid. Talk to them. If he lays another finger on you call the police.

Highhorse1981 · 31/03/2018 15:58

It’s as though he doesn’t want to spend alone time with you OP.

Food for thought.

Highhorse1981 · 31/03/2018 16:01

Sorry didn’t read the full thread

smartiecake · 31/03/2018 16:06

This was a sad thread but now its extremely worrying. OP i think you know that you have to leave him. For the kids, for yourself. I assume you are young and maybe have another 40/50 years ahead of you. If you stay with him what will your future be like? With a violent selfish man?
I take it you havent reported his violence to the police?
Is there anyone in rl you can confide in and possibly stay with?
When you next have a day off work you should try and book a solicitors appointment to find out your options. You sounds so miserable, why waste anymore time in a miserable marriage. We only get one life, you deserve to be happy. Flowers

Bloodybridget · 31/03/2018 16:19

It's not OK for one parent to spend a huge chunk of a long weekend going off to do exactly what they want, leaving the other parent to do all the childcare (and cooking). Unless it has been clearly agreed between the couple, which doesn't sound like the case here. No matter how "adventurous and sporty" parent 1 is.

DameDoom · 31/03/2018 16:20

Do not go on that holiday - pretend you are ill and do anything you can to start the ball in motion of leaving without him knowing otherwise it'll be 100% worse.
You say he's churchy - could you go to the priest/vicar? Are your own parents alive?

Bloodybridget · 31/03/2018 16:21

Oh god - sorry - I posted after just reading the first page. Please ignore.

gillybeanz · 31/03/2018 16:27

I don't understand why you would stay with someone after you find out they are not what you want
Did you not know him very well before marrying him? I'm not into holding the baby with a dh who has hobbies outside the family, so I married a man who didn't want those things Confused
I couldn't cope with a man who went out with his mum rather than family, so I didn't marry one.
Why are you complaining when you encourage him to behave in a way you don't like?

Yarboosucks · 31/03/2018 16:32

You last post puts a whole new complexion on the entire thread. OP, you will disappear if you stay in this relationship and you know it. So you need to get out, you need to do that for you and for DC.

The idea of speaking to your local priest/vicar is good. What other form of local support to do you have? Family, friends. relatives?

As unlikely as it sounds, what about MIL? Could she be an unlikely source of help?

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 31/03/2018 16:33

OP, he sounds dangerously violent. You do know that hands round the throat can kill, even if not intended to?

You deserve to leave for your own happiness and safety. Atm you don't seem able to. But might it give you the impetus you need if I tell you that there is a very real risk here of your children being left motherless? I'm not exaggerating. Wish I was.

I agree with talking to Women's Aid and a solicitor. I get how hard it is on a BH weekend and with his mother around, but perhaps you can make a phone call to WA when he is out of the house.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/03/2018 16:41

Where to start?

Perhaps with some counseling to improve your self esteem (which I'm sure he does NOTHING to improve) along with a call to WA to get information regarding help for victims of DV.

You say you work. Have you ever done some simple calculations to see if you & DC can afford to move out? That might help you move forward.

Tobebythesea · 31/03/2018 16:42

I was originally going to say you have my sympathies as I am also a golf widow and my DH gets home at 8.30 every day but then I saw that he physically hurts you. Don’t go skiing- make plans to get out.

DameDoom · 31/03/2018 16:43

Not sure about MIL.I worry that she might be unwittingly complicit - perhaps she was in a violent relationship herself - you don't just bring up overly-entitled, violent thugs accidentally (most of the time).

Conditioning? Now he's the golden boy? I doubt she is the person to help - and I sincerely hope I'm wrong.

Queenio24 · 31/03/2018 16:53

Just another one saying drop out of the skiing at the last minute, and use the time to get your plans together on leaving him safely.

Bunbunbunny · 31/03/2018 16:54

You are going to struggle to get the strength to leave him if you stay in this situation. You do not deserve to be treated like this & you need to protect your dc from him & his behaviour. Really feel for you op

PlumsGalore · 31/03/2018 16:57

I misread this as DHs Bangkok hol. No comment to make if he isn't off to Thailand with the boys.

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