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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh’s Bankhol

145 replies

Wallabaloo · 31/03/2018 13:46

Dh and I both work, me part time he ft, we have kids 10 and 8.
This bankhol he has been to play sports on Friday 8am to 3pm, today 8am to 1pm, and will be on Monday midday to 6pm. He is going out with his mother to the theatre this evening, leaving the house at 5pm and back at midnight. On Sunday he’s planning to go to church in the morning then spend the rest of the day eating a massive roast lamb and drinking red wine with his mum.
I know it’s fine to have other interests from one another, but I basically hate all the things he’s doing – except for church. There is just an assumption that I will look after the children whenever he’s not around. I feel like crying right now.
AIBU to think this is ridiculous weekend?
I have told him I’m not happy, and all he says is that you knew I was doing all this and you agreed (I don’t remember being told) and also that we are going on holiday next week for 10 days. Holidays all chosen by him, and he is skiing. He is teaching the children to ski. I can’t ski. I’m not learning. I might to do a bit of yoga while they are all off.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 31/03/2018 14:10

Well if he and his mother are at home tomorrow they can have the kids and cook dinner - I'm sure you can find a quite pub to sit in and read a good book

Fundays12 · 31/03/2018 14:10

I think he is being unfair. You are both entitled to your own interests and hobbies but you are not getting to do any of yours this weekend nor is he spending time with the family. Why did he not take your kids to his mum’s so you could rest or meet up with friends? Or why did you not make it clear that you expected one day to at least be spent with you and the kids?

Sorry I would be really putting my foot down over this one you and his children should come first. Obviously his hobbies and family are important but right now they are taking priority over you and his children.

ineedaholidaynow · 31/03/2018 14:13

Who is cooking the lunch tomorrow?

dudsville · 31/03/2018 14:13

I have to say, I was in a similar relationship once. I learned that it's fair for someone to do what they want. If that isn't spending time with me then that's fair, and it lets me know about my role in their life. I left. I'm with someone now with separate interests, but we still spend time together. Have a think OP.

Original poster
Wallabaloo · 31/03/2018 14:14

Thank you for the flowers.

It is made worse because I have a temperature but if I make a fuss I know his DM will get funny with me and I don’t feel strong right now.

OP posts:
Queenio24 · 31/03/2018 14:15

Hmmm, no I think he's selfish, it's all about his interest and what he enjoys doing isn't it?

stubbornstains · 31/03/2018 14:15

I'm sorry, I know this is a serious thread, but this made me roffle:

I don't get this, if you meet a sporty person, who enjoys activities like skinning for example, do you expect them to stop when they have children?

Steer clear of men with the surname Bolton, ladies Grin.

Back to the point in question, and thinking ahead to the holiday. So, he's going to be skiing, and teaching the kids to ski. What would YOU like to do? Spa? Relax with a book? Sightseeing trip to the nearest city? Start planning your time now.

RJnomore1 · 31/03/2018 14:16

I'm quite patient but if my dh thought he was spending the entire bank holiday weekend playing golf and taking his mother out he would be removing golf clubs from places he didn't know they fitted (his car exhaust pipe - obviously not advocating anything else!)

I don't get why you can't join in the meal for the conversation but otherwise what a complete and utter dickhead you appear to have accidentally married.

What do YOU want and what do you need to change to get it?

allchangenochange · 31/03/2018 14:17

Be more proactive during the next break/ half term. Organise what you want to do, book it into the family calendar, let DH know what you have planned. Don't allow him to fill all of the family time with his chosen activities.
Sort out your own activities, if you need to book a babysitter to free up some time then do this.
It sounds as though DH has sorted his life the way that works for him, you need to be more assertive in making your life work for you.

ablatant · 31/03/2018 14:19

Well I feel for you OP. Thanks

You don't just get to do what you want all the time if you have kids. No matter how adventurous you are, you're now sharing your life with someone and responsible for others, so grow up.

Men see women as the default one in charge of childcare and everything all too often.

PuppyMonkey · 31/03/2018 14:19

It’s too much golf got one thing. Still time to change that and suggest something else for Monday?

Why can’t you all go to theatre? Are you all eating the lamb or is it just him and his mum?

Is he basically just a selfish arse?

AcrossthePond55 · 31/03/2018 14:20

My DH has a hazardous hobby that I'd never in a million years join in. Luckily, after a few tries neither of our sons were interested in it. If OP doesn't want to ski, she doesn't have to. But if she chooses not to AND the children want to, that's the breaks for her.

OP, you're entitled to a rant, everyone can rant when they want to. BUT, it sounds to me as if you don't really have much of a life with him. He gets aggressive if you tell him how you feel, he basically ignores your desires, and he goes about his life regardless of you. Why do you stay?

Original poster
Wallabaloo · 31/03/2018 14:22

It’s a competition he ‘can’t’ get out of on Monday.
NFI to theatre - his mum booked it and they think I won’t like it (I wouldn’t)
We’re all eating the lamb I guess it’ll be a joint effort to cook it. But I’d like to get it tidied away and go for a family walk. This won’t go down well - mainly as dh will be knackered!

OP posts:
Original poster
Wallabaloo · 31/03/2018 14:23

I am trying to work up the bollocks to leave one day.
Another thread perhaps.

OP posts:
BakedBeans47 · 31/03/2018 14:24

He sounds like a selfish twat. My husband can be a bit like this with his cycling, he just arranges stuff and the assumption is always that I’ll be here with the kids.

For a day I probably wouldn’t mind but on Monday if I were you I’d be getting up and fucking off out and leaving him with the kids.

Idontdowindows · 31/03/2018 14:25

What good can come of staying?

agedknees · 31/03/2018 14:26

His dm should have booked a play you would all enjoy. Seems to me as if they treat you like a servant and give no consideration to your likes/dislikes.

Yarboosucks · 31/03/2018 14:28

So the MN thing seems to be that the DH gets lept all over, he is an arese, he is unreasonable….. and I admit that from many of the threads on here, there are many men who ARE unreasonable arses.

BUT

If I am honest OP, you sound rather… passive? Does he get actually aggressive or is it exasperation? I hear so far criticism of your DH and MIL for their enthusiasm but I do not see what you are suggesting as alternatives. Where is your passion?

You say for DH does not get home from work until 20:00 and that you send your 2 days off in the week doing chores…. What are those two days off for as an alternative? What would happen if you did not do those chores?

PuppyMonkey · 31/03/2018 14:28

Ah bless him, too knackered. Can’t have they can we?

Maybe he’ll be too knackered for the golf comp on Monday too.

OohMavis · 31/03/2018 14:29

You sound utterly miserable, OP Sad

And rather browbeaten by your MIL and DH. What do you mean you can't make a 'fuss'? You're ill, the fact you don't have the courage to say "actually, I feel unwell so lunch tomorrow is off" is sad to read.

Can you take yourself off to bed to rest and leave the kids with DH and MIL tomorrow? Really, what are you getting out of their company?

M0RVEN · 31/03/2018 14:30

I see you are the unpair housekeeper and nanny.

With no time off and no holidays.

No wonder you want to leave him, I would too.

HSMMaCM · 31/03/2018 14:31

Go out for your walk tomorrow afternoon and let them talk about food with the kids.

Use the time to clear your head and work out what you want.

ivykaty44 · 31/03/2018 14:32

Time to get selfish

Large calendar on kitchen wall and mark Dow your days out doing your own thing
Yoga retreat, Pilates, cookery classes

Make sure you just expect him to look after the children

After all fairs fare and at least then dc get time with their father

Yarboosucks · 31/03/2018 14:33

HSMMaCM Spot on!

Do it! Don't just complain that you are not doing it!

Itscurtainsforyou · 31/03/2018 14:35

I feel for you. To me, bank holidays are default family time. I also think that weekends should generally be family time (or running around doing activities for children anyway).

I'm not against parents having hobbies and interests, but they should fit around family, e.g. I go running when kids are in bed or when kids are busy, so my OH is not left to it alone regularly.

Although it may be considered that each individual thing your husband is doing is not unreasonable, the combination of them all, over the main long bank holiday weekend, is bang out of order and shows a general lack of consideration/respect that id not be happy about at all.