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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh’s Bankhol

145 replies

Wallabaloo · 31/03/2018 13:46

Dh and I both work, me part time he ft, we have kids 10 and 8.
This bankhol he has been to play sports on Friday 8am to 3pm, today 8am to 1pm, and will be on Monday midday to 6pm. He is going out with his mother to the theatre this evening, leaving the house at 5pm and back at midnight. On Sunday he’s planning to go to church in the morning then spend the rest of the day eating a massive roast lamb and drinking red wine with his mum.
I know it’s fine to have other interests from one another, but I basically hate all the things he’s doing – except for church. There is just an assumption that I will look after the children whenever he’s not around. I feel like crying right now.
AIBU to think this is ridiculous weekend?
I have told him I’m not happy, and all he says is that you knew I was doing all this and you agreed (I don’t remember being told) and also that we are going on holiday next week for 10 days. Holidays all chosen by him, and he is skiing. He is teaching the children to ski. I can’t ski. I’m not learning. I might to do a bit of yoga while they are all off.

OP posts:

Jon66 · 31/03/2018 14:36

Me again! If you start doing things for you, and getting a social life outside of the marriage, it will put you in a better mental and physical position if you do decide the marriage is not fulfilling enough for you to remain within it. It's really important you build up a support network for yourself outside of the family not least because it builds resilience and coping mechanisms for the future.

Yarboosucks · 31/03/2018 14:36

Re the 10 days skiing - I can go if you would prefer it BTW

10 days with me and he will return a reformed character I can assure you!

NewImprovedNinja · 31/03/2018 14:37

You need to be more proactive and assertive.
Get a calendar on the wall and add your name to some dates/times and tell him that he needs to be at home those times to look after the children. Arrange to meet up with friends, join a painting class or just go somewhere nice for lunch and take a book.
It's pretty irrelevant how much he earns in a family partnership. Space to do you own thing should be allocated equally regardless of the day job.

M0RVEN · 31/03/2018 14:37

It’s not as easy as “ put in in the calendar ”.

Op said her Dh doesn’t come home from work until 8pm and he’s unreliable . He’s just the type who will be held up at work any time she arranges things.

Yarboosucks · 31/03/2018 14:37

Scrub that - he is a church goer…. We don't mix well...

Original poster

Wallabaloo · 31/03/2018 14:38

Thanks. I think my job is the problem too. It tires me out.

I just want happy family time whenever that’s possible, the dcs faces when we all have a family day out are priceless. Bit dh has never seems to value this as much as his parents/his leisure time.

OP posts:

Yarboosucks · 31/03/2018 14:39

I can’t ski. I’m not learning. I might to do a bit of yoga while they are all off.

I am sorry, but this just sounds like sulking. Why not learn?

allchangenochange · 31/03/2018 14:40

I would book a babysitter and get out of the house for your activities. DH isn't a reliable presence but does seem to provide a reasonable income so use the income to buy the support you need.

Yarboosucks · 31/03/2018 14:40

But family ski holidays can be the epitome of happy family time and you are opting out….

Wallywobbles · 31/03/2018 14:40

I'd mention that you are seeing a solicitor to the food conversation myself. And if you feel like that I wouldn't bother going skiing.

Original poster

Wallabaloo · 31/03/2018 14:40

Ha. He’d also probably hit you if you were too forceful yarboo, he’s probably best avoided.

OP posts:

maras2 · 31/03/2018 14:41

Sweetie, you sound so unhappy.
I don't like the sound of your husband one bit, nor his mother.
Maybe see the holiday period through then start to plan for a less oppressive life for just you and the kids. or or

Yarboosucks · 31/03/2018 14:41

Does he hit?

Original poster

Wallabaloo · 31/03/2018 14:41

I should stop as maybe it’s been drip fed.

He’s generally a Cnut this is just a minor rant I guess in an overall v unhappy sit.

OP posts:

BrownTurkey · 31/03/2018 14:46

Ok, aggressive sounds worrying.

On the face of the rest of it he has at least some good things going for him eg he earns, has interesting hobbies, spends at least some time with his dc investing in them and likes good food and cooking? And enjoys culture and has a good relationship with his mother.

This does of course need to come with respect for your role, doing a share of the drudge work of parenting, and love and committment to you.

I would be interested to know what would happen if you diaried in some evenings out for the two of you, or said you were going out with eg your Mum or friend, or wanted to do something specific one day of the skiiing holiday. But equally, I wonder what would happen if you joined in more with some things. If he continues to exclude you or not think of you, then I think that is quite unreasonable.

Yarboosucks · 31/03/2018 14:46

Gotta love a church-goer!

DameDoom · 31/03/2018 14:47

Wallabaloo do you have anyone at all you can talk to about this in real life? You sound utterly broken and things will not improve.
Would you dare just not go skiing and stay at home instead? You really need some support .

I8toys · 31/03/2018 14:47

Does his mum rely on him a lot for entertainment? Does she not do other things apart from be with your dh? Sounds a bit odd.

My husband is sporty - no way on earth am I joining him - fuck that for an idea. You need to do things just you, him and the kids - your family unit. I would be annoyed by so many outside influences.

Inertia · 31/03/2018 14:50

Does he hit you?

The refusal to join in with family life and treating you like the unpaid babysitter makes him sound like an total and utter selfish arsehole, but if he hits you as well then he is dangerous.

Yarboosucks · 31/03/2018 14:52

OP If you are thinking of leaving, then my suggestion is that ahead of that you start to be a bit more independent within your marriage.

If you are going skiing, chances are there are some nice spa type treatments in the resort - book some!

Get a baby-sitter, join a club, sort your job out…

Quartz2208 · 31/03/2018 14:52

You sound so downtrodden

Gemini69 · 31/03/2018 14:54

Sounds like her preferred his Mothers company why aren't you and the kids invited to the Roast dinner feast....

he sounds like a selfish self absorbed DICK ...kick his ass back to his Mother... seems he's living there anyway

seventh · 31/03/2018 14:54

What @Yarboosucks said

And

Oblomov18 · 31/03/2018 14:56

If you can't communicate and tell your husband and discuss what going to happen over a bank holiday and which holiday you both want to book.......
Then you have serious problems.
You surely know this?

Laserbird16 · 31/03/2018 14:56

Hold up, he hits you? That's not OK. You may not feel ready/strong enough to leave yet but one day you will be. Get ready by prioritising yourself, your needs and building your own life outside of this marriage. Maybe sack off yoga and see a counsellor /solicitor.

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