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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh’s Bankhol

145 replies

Wallabaloo · 31/03/2018 13:46

Dh and I both work, me part time he ft, we have kids 10 and 8.
This bankhol he has been to play sports on Friday 8am to 3pm, today 8am to 1pm, and will be on Monday midday to 6pm. He is going out with his mother to the theatre this evening, leaving the house at 5pm and back at midnight. On Sunday he’s planning to go to church in the morning then spend the rest of the day eating a massive roast lamb and drinking red wine with his mum.
I know it’s fine to have other interests from one another, but I basically hate all the things he’s doing – except for church. There is just an assumption that I will look after the children whenever he’s not around. I feel like crying right now.
AIBU to think this is ridiculous weekend?
I have told him I’m not happy, and all he says is that you knew I was doing all this and you agreed (I don’t remember being told) and also that we are going on holiday next week for 10 days. Holidays all chosen by him, and he is skiing. He is teaching the children to ski. I can’t ski. I’m not learning. I might to do a bit of yoga while they are all off.

OP posts:

DameDoom · 31/03/2018 16:59

Wallabaloo will you come back on the thread when he has gone out with MIL?

Morsecode · 31/03/2018 17:02

OP describes this man so lovingly, wondering why on earth he will not include her in anything. Then it turns out he is a monster, but that's an aside, according to OP. Well seriously OP, it has everything to do with how he has treated you generally, him having been violent towards you means he has zero respect for you. You need to work your anger towards him and stop being so in thrall of this monster.

Anger makes the person with the lowest self esteem react. Try to remember how he has been horrible to you, how nobody deserves to be treated like this by anybody, and how you should plan to leave him. Set some time aside every day to work up your anger against this man. He is the enemy here, work towards getting out of his grip, get your ducks in a row and plan a date to leave.

Gilead · 31/03/2018 17:05

here is where you start
or here
But you try to get out before the children are affected by this. I didn't, I stayed for so long and I have two children in therapy because I didn't get out soon enough. Best thing I ever did was to get out.
You don't need to worry about anxiety or your eating disorder with regard to looking after the children, he'll probably threaten you with it, but ignore him, if the children are happy, safe and well cared for, which I'm sure they are, and very obviously by you and not him, then social services will not be remotely interested.

Grobagsforever · 31/03/2018 17:05

Missing the ski-Ing is a good plan. Is that a possibility OP?

Echobelly · 31/03/2018 17:06

'He comes from a line of adventurous, outgoing men' - sounds more likely a line of entitled, abusive men, TBH.

JustVent · 31/03/2018 17:07

That’s unacceptable.

It’s totally bullshit and pointless for people to say “you married him” and “what did you expect?”

Things change when you have kids, it’s a fact. I used to go out raving all weekend and get up to all sorts of shit and not come home for days. Should I keep doing that now I have kids just because that’s what I did when DH and I met?
No, how fucking ridiculous.

You have to get your priorities straight, you need to give a little.

The fact that he is swanning off that much is a reflection of his respect for you (none) and his upbringing (the woman stays at home) and if you’re unhappy it needs to change.

Those on here which are blaming you for this, clearly aren’t into feminism of any kind and should be totally ignored. Because fuck that.

JustVent · 31/03/2018 17:09

Oh blimey, I some how managed to totally scroll past the most recent post explaining that his a wife beating bastard.

Fuck, that’s a whole different ball game.

Women’s aid, sharpish.

DameDoom · 31/03/2018 17:10

I think it's well beyond that point Morse. OP doesn't have the fight left in her at the minute. She's wrung out and on the ropes. Not going on the holiday will provide a little time for clarity.
She can be angry when he's gone but getting angry now, when he's about, I dread to think.
Who the fuck do these bastards think they are?

viques · 31/03/2018 17:13

Can't he take the children to watch him doing his sport?

I bet they would love to watch Daddy and would hardly moan,whinge, bicker, poke each other, ask to go home, ask for drinks and snacks, need to go to the loo, argue in the car on the way home...............

TeisanLap · 31/03/2018 17:15

Op, just a gentle unmumsnetty hug for you. Xxxx

viques · 31/03/2018 17:16

sorry, have now read back and see that he is not just a selfish shit, but a violent selfish shit. I hope his mother is aware of the monster she has raised.

WowLookAtYou · 31/03/2018 17:17

Is this the bloke who invites his rugby team round for meals?

DameDoom · 31/03/2018 17:20

Please read the thread - this isn't some middle class whinging mum - it's serious.
HQ is there anyway you can alter the tite so OP gets the help she needs? With her permission of course.

GreatThingsWork · 31/03/2018 17:21

Can you weigh up how scared you are of being alone vs how scared you are of staying with him? I felt just the same but suddenly realised how disappointed I would be with myself if I had grown old with exH. It's a process, don't expect to be able to just leave. It can take a while. You can get a lot of support here.

DameDoom · 31/03/2018 17:22

No WowLookAtYou it's the bastard who knocks out his pregnant wife!

GoGinny · 31/03/2018 17:27

OP please contact women's aid. Your low self esteem is the natural result of being with an abusive man. If it helps, focus on the needs of your DC. It is incredibly damaging for them to witness this; and they will know about it what ever you think. For their sake as well as your own have to leave.

WowLookAtYou · 31/03/2018 17:28

Yes, I get that, DameDoom, as I can read. But if it's the same bloke/OP, I'm remembering some other details about him.

Morsecode · 31/03/2018 17:32

Dame I wasted so many years of my life in a dominant relationship, although the idiot didn't lay a finger on me nor do we have children. But it ate away at my self esteem big time, I still find it hard to get back to normal 1 year on. It was being angry at him in my head that started to save me, how dare he treat me like that? Who on earth does he think he is?

I can guarantee you that these men are nice, very nice indeed at times, just to keep you "on side". I can relate to OP not knowing where to start in view of leaving, but given the way that she describes him at first, I would think she needs to work up an anger against everything he is reducing her to. I am not advocating her to express her anger against him, what I'm saying is OP should sort out her head first before taking the first step - and being angry in her head against another individual who uses you as their punching bag, unpaid skivvy, general dogsbody, whatever, when you thought you had signed up to a loving relationship, is a good place to start.

DameDoom · 31/03/2018 17:34

WowLookAtYou then put the other details - surely you can see it sounds flippant when the thread has taken a much more sinister turn?

Hopefully, we all want to support OP if and when she comes back.

JaneEyre70 · 31/03/2018 17:35

You're going wrong here by just getting carried along in the flow. Instead of spending the weekend seething with resentment (which you are incidentally very entitled to do), plan something nice with the kids and put him out of your mind. My DH is a lovely man but also very selfish at times so I don't factor him into my plans. He's playing golf tomorrow but all my family are coming here and we'll have a lovely day with or without him. Once you stop fitting in around his plans and do your own thing, your resentment levels drop hugely I promise. Him not spending days with you are his loss, not yours.

BakedBeans47 · 31/03/2018 17:35

What an awful man OP

JaneEyre70 · 31/03/2018 17:37

Sorry OP hadn't seen your last update . In your case, pack a bag.

GreenTulips · 31/03/2018 17:38

How do you leave?
One step at a time

Take the advice on here

Ring woman's aid
Find a solicitor
Start imagining your life free of this crap - one where you and the children are happy
Where you have a life and you make those choices

DameDoom · 31/03/2018 17:44

Thanks Morse. I completely hear you and understand where you are coming from.

I work in an area where we have to deal with some extremely violent men (parents) and am always terrified of letting them know they terrify me. Angry in the head is good if you have the support not to go too far.

Puts down uzi and kalashnikov .

WowLookAtYou · 31/03/2018 17:44

then put the other details

No. MN discourage that, and rightly so. If the OP wants to expand on this thread, she will.

You're not the thread police, so back off. You're de-railing.

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