to not understand how anyone can think that girls are harder work than boys

[beclev24]

I know all kids are individuals/ there are easy and difficult kids of both genders etc etc. But I've seen various threads on here about how girls are much harder work than boys, and I can't get my head round it at all.

I have 3 boys. It can be like dealing with a pack of wild animals. They are exhausting to parent (lovely and sweet and gorgeous as well of course, just very hard work.) . Tonight we went to a friend's house who has three girls of similar ages. They were so restrained and quiet and cooperative, while mine needed constant policing to stop them from bouncing off the walls. It seems to be similar wherever we go- that it is a constant struggle to get them to behave, whereas for my friends with girls it seems to happen way more naturally. The stereotype is that boys are harder work physically and girls are more complex emotionally, but my boys are also hard work emotionally! lots of tantrums/ big feelings/ complicated wants and needs/ friendship issues etc.

AIBU? Or just a bad parent?

Girls can learn the indirect/'bitchy' approach because they are not encouraged to be blunt, or assertive in the way boys are. They still have the same instincts, but have to find more covert ways to achieve them.

YABU. 2 boys I could take anywhere, rarely behaved badly at school or our and about. At home they could, but that's different.

Their similarly aged female cousin, however, was a nightmare.

Isn't it fair to say that we will all have different experiences with this? It's not one of those things that have a definitive answer, humans are complicated. All of them.

I think many people on this thread should be reminded that plural of anecdote is not data.

I agree Katharina

The mix of temperament, energy levels, preferences for both parents and children varies individually. It's not about sex.

Someone having a hard time with their girls will dream of boys as being simpler, much as OP with boys dreams of girls. Because that's safer than saying 'I really don't t like my DC today'. It's a way of 'othering' the issue, and one that is safe because you know it's ridiculous.

OP must be having a very hard time right now, as she says she can't even understand right now.

So beclev I suggest you ask (in the topics) about specific parenting issues you have right now. Just showing your are so wound up you don't

We have friends with three boys, and if I am honest it DOES look incredibly like hard work. They have to do sports morning, noon and night in an effort to burn off their energy otherwise they fight. They do actually physically fight which is horrible to watch.

My dd play sports, lots of sports, and have bags of energy but it is not hard work because it doesn't need to be every day.

We go out for lunch and she is constantly telling them off, to sit still etc and they are struggling to sit there. I don't think it is all boys, but the more you have the pack mentality kicks in.

I don't know how she does it.

Do you think the observable differences in the brain before birth mean anything?

I don't think that one piece of research in mice means what you think it means.

It's funny when people refer to scientific research without a proper reference and out of context, and to single findings as if they are universal truths.

They remind me of puppies actually rolling around and fighting all the time.

I have enjoyed reading this post, so many interesting responses:) I have three boys and from my experience they need physical activities before settling to do anything quiet, it’s almost an actual need because if they are asked to settle to anything without they can’t, they get picky, argumentative with each other and will quibble over absolutely anything which usually leads to fighting. They are all fairly close in age, the eldest can be very emotional and gets very anxious, my youngest hides his feelings then explodes with frustration, then talks about it, my middle son learns from the other two and is managing his feelings in his own way. They seem to have an endless amount of energy all the time and are constantly on the move. I can’t comment on what girls would be like, but working in a school I can’t imagine they are any easier than boys - just different challenges and behaviour to manage.

*KatharinaRosalie: "I think many people on this thread should be reminded that plural of anecdote is not data"

Your response has tickled me no end. Even though it's not plain English i can figure out what your saying. Not sure who the 'many people' are or what you're referring to.

You're unintentionally funny though.

Well I think YANBU but then I'm a fellow mum of three boys. Right now they are all playing calmly and nicely (with each other!!), but sometimes, especially when we're out and especially when we're somewhere where you shouldn't run/bounce/skip, they're incredibly hard work. I also feel like their energy multiplies when they're all together - it's easy to go out with just one, harder with two, and when they're all together it's like you said, like trying to whip a herd of wildebeest round Tesco.

I've got two boys and a girl. The boys were our first, then our daughter came along. The boys were physically exhausting, she was mentally exhausting (and still.is!)'The boys were high energy, and always on the go, but quick to forgive fall outs or rows. Our daughter can hold a grudge like noone's business, and dissects situations like a surgeon. I'm not sure it's a gender thing, my boys remind me of my side of the family, my girl takes after dh's fiery Spanish side.

'The plural of anecdote is not data" is a well-known stock phrase - have you really never encountered it before, stripey ?

I have a girl who needs to be active or she cannot be still, and a quiet bit who likes to sit and has to be cajoled to exercise at all Are they both destined to be trans, as there must be something wrong with their mouse brains?

Or are they just people, who vary individually?

YABU to start a thread about the belief society has that girls are harder to raise than boys and then give an example to generalise that boys are harder than girls. YABU also to think you’re a bad parent, it’s clear you’re not!

I don’t think yabu. From observing the families I know, boys seem to be a lot harder to parent, from the get go, with the possible exception of a few rocky teenage years for girls. But they do still seem less likely to go off the rails, get into drugs and all the real nightmare stuff. Totally anecdotal though.

I completely agree...but of course can only agree in my own experience. I'm a teacher...so my experience is, admittedly, quite vast! Having taught a broad range of ages, from nursery right through to year 6, over a 27 year span, and also having children of my own, I can say, in my experience, boys are 'generally' more challenging. That's not to say that 'every' boy is challenging, or that 'all' girls are little darlings of course! They are definitely more physical and less socially adept. They get emotional quicker (as in can't control their emotions so tend to become aggressive or tearful much quicker than girls) and have more problems communicating (which obviously relates to their emotional outbursts). These are things that can be taught though, so all is not lost 😊

I have also heard (and read on here) anecdotes like girls are bitchy and if girls don’t wear the right clothes or fashionable brands they are likely to get bullied whereas that doesn’t happen to boys. That is simply not true.

If genetic differences are social constructs then pointing to the differences and especially doing so in a way that makes them appear genetic, natural and inevitable, only serves to reinforce the idea of there being differences and serves to widen the gap between how we perceive girls and boys should behave. I highly recommend "Testosterone Rex" as a brilliant read, addressing and debunking the myth of testosterone creating a natural difference between risk taking, bold and even reckless men and meek, risk-avoiders, socially cooperative women.

Both dc have had the same friendship issues in school in terms of being excluded and isolated and made to know their 'place'. I put this down to a need for control and power, rather than gender. Dd is by far the hardest child.

Neither of my dc is particularly boisterous, but then, they know what I won't tolerate.

@Lweji

Enjoying the weekend, I see.

There are substantial differences in male and female human brains. (fuck knows why you were talking about mice).

Testosterone influences cell survival and cell death, neural connectivity and chemical composition of the brain and the testosterone which males are exposed to about half way through gestation is thought to account for many of the physical differences in the brain. These differences are observable before birth.

here

A study on the physical differences on brains at birth (ratios of matter, cortex etc) found massive sex-based differences too.

here

It's funny when someone thinks they're being really witty when creating such an enormous stick man fallacy.

I have a girl and two boys. I do find my girl easiest- they're all under 7 though so maybe it will change.

The boys are fairly good but get each other very overexcited when out and about.

My daughter and her friends tend to play quieter games - I've never seen them pick up sticks and do play fighting. Whereas the boys love that sort of game. The boys are also way louder. My daughter might have friends in the house and you'd hardly know it. My sons are loud and boisterous- especially in a group.

They're all fairly easy going at this age - the one I find trickiest to deal with is my older boy (middle child).. think he can be very sensitive.

That's just my experience. So yanbu.

But I think as well you also specifying what makes them hard

@mrskoala I have a DD who to the outside world must be the easiest child to bring up, sweet well behaved highly intelligent but is incredibly sensitive and highly strung and the time and energy it takes me behind the scenes to manage her anxiety and keep her on an even keel is huge.

Her brother on the other hand is a lot like yours and outwardly takes a lot of energy from me

So regardless of gender you just don’t know and you can’t base it on what you see

I think most boys are taught to hide their emotions from a young age. They have to ‘man up’, not show any weakness or feminine traits. I think this is why they are more prone to aggressive behaviour as they grow. Maybe they are more active to try and burn off the pent up frustration/emotions that they are discouraged from showing on a daily basis?

I work in a crèche (0-4 years) and I definitely see mums being more in tune with their daughters emotions, being suppportive and talking them through how they are feeling, and giving them reassurance. If a boy is being unsettled/clingy then unfortunately I see mums getting frustrated a lot more quickly. ‘Why is he being like that? He’s a gurn/cry baby. He cries to much. He needs to just get on with it. He’s like a wee girl’. It’s an attitude that boys should be strong, fearless, unemotional. I don’t think the mums realise they are doing it, it’s so ingrained.

I also definitely think boys are encouraged to/expected to be very active from a young age.

Enjoying the weekend, I see.

Yes. You?

*Testosterone influences cell survival and cell death, neural connectivity and chemical composition of the brain and the testosterone which males are exposed to about half way through gestation is thought to account for many of the physical differences in the brain. These differences are observable before birth.

here*

But this is on prenatal brains with severe hormonal abnormality. So extrapolation?

*A study on the physical differences on brains at birth (ratios of matter, cortex etc) found massive sex-based differences too.

here*

This isn’t looking at prenatal brains, it’s looking at changes throughout life. The abstract talks about size and weight differences at birth, then goes on to say teo babies the same size will have the same size brain, regardless of sex.

I was interested to read these links because i wasn’t aware there were any prenatal studies, not that i’m an expert. But these don’t confirm prenatal brain differences in a normally developing child that i can work out?