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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH told friend I am pregnant before scan!

253 replies

ballerini · 31/03/2018 01:01

I am 11 wks pregnant and have my first scan next week. DH and I agreed not to tell anyone before the scan and I have been really stressing about anyone finding out!
Last night DH went out with a friend and told him that I am pregnant!
AIBU to think I can't trust someone if they can't trust themself?
I feel completely undermined! I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do! He's just going to get away with disrespecting my wishes!

OP posts:
inamechangedforthispost · 31/03/2018 11:25

My husband and I decided to wait until 12 weeks as well.

He went on a stag do when I was 7 weeks, had a few beers and told everyone!

He phoned me saying he'd done something, when I found out what it was I just laughed! It's his baby too and I loved his excitement.

If anything had happened then all any of those people would have done is support us.

CarlyCape · 31/03/2018 11:41

You seem like you're making this pregnancy about what everyone else thinks and not about you and your husband. Other people really don't care that much as much as they act like they do. You sound a little bit mad!

Bluelady · 31/03/2018 11:41

This is going to be one of those babies that's sequestered at home with nobody allowed to see it for a month, isn't it? Lighten up, OP, you're the only person this is a big deal for. I told my mum before I told my husband!

Hygge · 31/03/2018 11:44

There is no shame in aborting or losing a baby, I'm sorry you feel that there is, and obviously I hope everything goes well for you, but saying that you'd feel shame is a bit awful to those of us who have lost babies or had terminations for medical reasons or personal choice.

You feel a lot of things when you lose a child, but shame shouldn't be one of them.

I'm speaking from experience here because I lost two babies at the 22 week mark, long after everybody knew we were expecting them, and it can be easy to blame yourself when you're looking for answers but not getting any, so having someone talk about shame doesn't help.

I can understand you feeling that you've lost some control of your own body by being pregnant, but I think you're expecting a lot from your husband.

I do feel very strongly that a pregnant women should be in sole charge of her own body and choices and medical information in a physical way but your husband is this baby's father and you seem to want to control every detail.

In the long run, him telling someone a week earlier than you agreed to isn't the end of the world, but with you saying that you have control issues and you're feeling like pregnancy has taken your control away, and you're talking about how you would feel shame if something went wrong, perhaps you might look at having some counselling to work out what's going on for you right now.

This pregnancy has clearly stirred up something for you and you might feel better to understand what and why before the birth.

I wish you well for the rest of your pregnancy OP, but I think it will go better if you can relax about whatever this issue is that you have.

Flisspaps · 31/03/2018 11:44

@ballerini what are you going to do about the 20 week anomaly scan? That's where they look for major problems.

Many women think they have a perfectly healthy baby at that point but sadly find out that isn't so.

Are you going to keep your pregnancy secret until after that, just in case?

Hygge · 31/03/2018 11:46

"I told my mum before I told my husband!"

I told our mortgage advisor first. I'm not sure who was more surprised about that, her or me.

To be fair, I'd just done the test, DH wasn't home, I was on my way to work and bumped into her and she said "how are you?" and I blurted out "pregnant apparently" before I'd had time to consider it. Grin

Coconutspongexo · 31/03/2018 11:46

Really weird that you’re not going to discuss names with him

TheMaddHugger · 31/03/2018 11:46

@frazzledtired (((Hugs))) Hope all will be ok.

Mad Soft ((((((Hugs)))) @pinkiepie1

TheMaddHugger · 31/03/2018 11:47

@Hygge (((((Madd Hugs))))))))

MrsBartlettforthewin · 31/03/2018 11:51

I doubt this guy is going to care much if he is just a mate who you said won't even be part of your child's life.

I can understand not wanting to tell people before 12 weeks just incase but it's not like he told his folks before you told yours or told someone who is going to be telling others. Really, other than close friends and family, no-one is that bother about other people having babies.

It could be worse, he could of accidentally told your best friend the day after you did the first test and three weeks after your bf had had a horrific miscarried as they were chatting about holiday plans looking at you DH

You are going to find pregnancy tough if you won't let DH have an involvement in it. It is his baby too and as you have clearly planned to keep it and I'm guessing he's not an abusive ass you really need to calm down with all of this.

BrendasUmbrella · 31/03/2018 12:09

MaddHugger don't be a twat. Isn't it funny how when the general opinion on a thread is that a poster is OTT, some posters then proudly display their ability to go even more OTT in the process of bitching about her?

BrendasUmbrella · 31/03/2018 12:12

ballerini It's worth remembering that your hormones will be going nuts right now (some other people on mumsnet might try remembering that too) and it's easy to blow things out of proportion.

Yes it's disappointing that he shared your secret, but it is his baby too, and he only shared it because he was excited. If you want to keep other things close to your chest for now, like baby names, then do it. But do it for you, not to punish him. There's a difference. It might be an idea to hold off on baby names until after the birth anyway, you might change your mind once you see them!

Picklesandpies · 31/03/2018 12:22

I would be really cross. It's not difficult to just not say something.

slithytove · 31/03/2018 12:31

I can understand the shame thing.

When DD1 died during full term labour I was ashamed to tell people. I had failed at making a healthy baby, failed to bring her home. I was upset and embarrassed that I wasn’t sharing happy news and that I was going to make a lot of people very upset.

That feeling passed but it was definitely there for me.

I also understand the not wanting to have to explain to people you really rather wouldn’t give the time to, or elicit their sympathy, or have them scramble about what to say.

Not a judgement on anyone else of course, baby loss is very personal.

Rosasaurus · 31/03/2018 12:34

Well you just technically told the whole of MN so you failed at keeping it a secret too.

gobbin · 31/03/2018 12:39

Christ if you’re this wound up now about this, you’re going to find life very stressful.

You sound a bit like an (ex) friend who got the hump with me because I had seen on Fb from someone else (sending congrats) that she’d obviously had her baby, so I put congrats on there too. That wasn’t good enough for the precious madam who ‘hadn’t had time to announce it in Fb herself yet’. Oh do fuck off dear, I thought.

GreenVoyage · 31/03/2018 12:44

Jesus you seem to be more interested in getting attention from everyone than anything else! Stop being so precious and secretive no one cares.

YellowFlower201 · 31/03/2018 12:59

I feel really sorry for your DH. My initial thoughts were that you could be a bit annoyed but subsequent posts make you sound obsessive and controlling.
You cannot control everything. You may still have a disabled child despite the 12 week scan showing a healthy baby or suffer a miscarriage. You cannot protect yourself from these things unfortunately. Pregnancy is risky business and everyone knows that. If you chose to abort some people may judge you for that. You'll have to live with that. That's life. Time to grow up OP.

MammaTJ · 31/03/2018 13:06

I feel completely undermined! I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do! He's just going to get away with disrespecting my wishes!

I can't help but worry about your DC, if you feel this about your partner in life. When they're three and tell Nanna something they weren't supposed to, they will end up on the naughty step, when they are a teen and genuinely betray your trust, in a way teens often do, they will, well I have not clue what you will do, as you have over-reacted so much about this minor thing.

Get over yourself!

Original poster
ballerini · 31/03/2018 13:11

Thanks for all of your comments.
I'm sorry if I upset anyone to say I'd be ashamed if anything bad happened. I have always been quite private particularly about health issues. Even when I was a child I felt embarrassed when I was sick. I didn't tell my DH about some health issues I had until we'd been together for several years as I felt ashamed. I have had minor operations that I've never mentioned to my family.
I did actually want to wait until 20wks to tell people originally. A colleague did this and I didn't think it weird. DH didn't want to wait as long so we compromised with the 1st scan!
DH's friend is someone who comes and goes into his wider circle of friends. He only sees him maybe once a year, but the friend works with one of DH's closer friends.
I don't think DH was overexcited or needed support from him - he probably ran out of conversation. He said yesterday he regrets telling him because he is not a close friend and he has apologised that he went against his word.
I do realise no-one cares about my baby and was very conscious no-one cared about my wedding when I got married - I'm not one of them.
I'm not as bothered about it as you might think I am. I just felt angry when I posted because I feel like my husband is always doing little things like this where he shows me no respect or consideration eg. the other week he offered to take his mother to an appointment but then found out a few friends were meeting for drinks. He asked if I'd be able to take the afternoon off work so that I could take his mother to the app and he could meet his friends!! He also binned some of my stuff that was in the loft but luckily it was only in the bedroom bin and I retrieved it.
Other than the odd thing like this he is a decent husband and treats me well!
I am still worried about discussing names and would rather wait until the birth because I have seen people try to hassle the baby name out of mother-to-bes and the same may happen to fathers! I'd just rather not tell people the name before the baby is born. That's my preference. DH agrees after seeing his siblings and mine do the same, but I don't trust him not to tell now!

OP posts:
Teateaandmoretea · 31/03/2018 13:18

You could always just agree to not discuss names even with each other till after the baby is born. FWIW I refused to discuss names with other people, I didn't want unwanted opinions. After all the royals take ages to announce names, you don't have to name baby when they are first born.

Lilsquish · 31/03/2018 13:24

When i was around 6 weeks pregnant my OH went on a stag do and told a few of the stags.

3 weeks later i lost the baby.

Only time i was bothered he had told them was a few weeks after that. we were at the wedding pertaining to the stag do and one of the guys came over and congratulated me on the pregnancy, as i was standing drinking a large glass of wine!!

I made OH go over to him later to tell him i wasnt pregnant.

Congratulations OP, it really doesnt have to be an issue and I hope you feel better about it soon x

lottiegarbanzo · 31/03/2018 13:32

On names, you can always discuss and come up with a shortlist but not actually choose until after. (Make sure you include something outrageous, just so there's an amusing element, if he decide to blab the entire list to someone - which does seem unlikely, given people aren't that interested).

lottiegarbanzo · 31/03/2018 13:35

I don't think wanting to wait until after the 20wk scan is crazy at all btw, it's really very logical. At that point you know as much as you possibly could about what it is you're telling people (not quite if further investigation is required at that stage of course but, you'd know that).

It might be difficult though, as you might be showing by then and it's just a longer time in which any changes to normal eating and drinking patterns might be noticed.

I think it's a combination of all these factors and others already mentioned that makes 12 weeks+ the normal compromise.

Absofrigginlootly · 31/03/2018 14:14

I'm most perturbed by the poster who indicated that if there is sadly a loss that the father should only be allowed support and to discuss grief if given permission. Am hoping my inference of this is incorrect!

That was my post. Yes you are incorrect.

I wasn't saying the father would need permission to discuss the pregnancy in the case of a loss. But presumably in a loving and equal relationship the father would want to take his partners feelings into account and check with her how she would feel about that. And they could discuss it and reach an agreement together?? You know, communication, compromise, consideration.... all the things a healthy supportive marriage is supposed to include??