DH told friend I am pregnant before scan!

[ballerini]

I am 11 wks pregnant and have my first scan next week. DH and I agreed not to tell anyone before the scan and I have been really stressing about anyone finding out!
Last night DH went out with a friend and told him that I am pregnant!
AIBU to think I can't trust someone if they can't trust themself?
I feel completely undermined! I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do! He's just going to get away with disrespecting my wishes!

OP I genuinely think you should consider getting help. You are controlling and irrational and quite frankly seem deranged. I feel sorry for your DH.

Well we told everyone just before the 12 week scan as we had suffered a massive unexplained bleed. We then told everyone what our choice of name was for both a boy and a girl and then confirmed that we were having a boy. Guess what, I had loads of visitors to the hospital and our house for our pfb and everyone was excited about meeting him despite already knowing his name! You sound very OTT...

ballerini congratulations to you and your OH on your pregnancy. I am going to ignore the irony of announcing it to thousands on mumsnet before telling your family and friends!

I think you are being a bit harsh to your OH. He is clearly thrilled at the prospect of parenthood and is desperate to share the joy. And I think you should be too, what you are doing together is a wonderful thing, the most amazing miracle of nature, and you and your OP should be enjoying every moment of it, not worrying and fretting about who knows what, about the baby's sex, about names. I am not surprised that he felt he had to tell someone, living with you at the moment must be like walking on eggshells in case the big secret gets out.

Relax, enjoy your pregnancy together. Let your friends and family enjoy your good news too. In fact I think Easter weekend is a perfect time to let all the fluffy chicks and bunnies out of the bag and tell everyone.

You really need to get a grip.

OP I think the thing to do is have a chat with your DH, reminding him why you didn't want the news to be shared yet.

There is a vicious circle with miscarriage that because people don't talk about it very much, other people, especially those who haven't gone through a pregnancy, have no idea how common it is, so assume that early pregnancy equals baby. Your DH should have done enough reading or listening to know better by now.

Telling people early is a very personal choice. Different people need and want very different levels of support and involvement. What matters here is whether you and DH would want immediate support from anyone outside your relationship if anything went wrong. The more private person's wishes have to trump the other person's, at this stage.

There's nothing stopping the less private person from seeking wider support later, if something did go wrong.

There is also nothing stopping you or anyone from talking about a miscarriage afterwards, perhaps long afterwards, when they are ready to, with the people they choose.

That is a way of letting people know this happens, that is relevant to the feelings of the person concerned. There is absolutely no obligation on you or anyone, to set yourself up as some sort of public information case study, at the time of your pregnancy.

And I do also want to say sorry for talking so much about miscarriage on a thread about your pregnancy. It is of course relevant to your reason for posting.

The most likely thing is that all will be well and you'll have a lovely baby in about six months. Congratulations

How do I explain missed miscarriage or abortion after any problems if those things were to happen!?

I don't believe in tempting fate but I will feel ashamed if I have to abort or receive sympathy for a loss that was meant to be private! If I become not pregnant any more it will need to be explained!

It's not about owning news, or any of the other rubbish being spouted here (I am shocked at the blase insensitivity of the first two pages of this thread, haven't read further). It is that you do have to be aware that anyone who knows early, may become someone who knows about a miscarriage, that you mightn't have wanted to discuss with them. It becomes an emotional burden, or just awkward, for them too.

Wow. Just unbelievable.

This is why I still find it hard to talk about my miscarriages.

I hope your DH reads this thread and sees that he really hasn’t done anything wrong.

You’re being Pregzilla. You’re going to have a really tough 9 months if you continue so you might want to consider chilling the fuck out.

FYI miscarriage isn’t a shame. I’d check that attitude if I were you.

My OH and I had agreed not to tell anyone before the 12 weeks scan, and then completely failed to keep the secret. Nobody was hurt during this process, it's just that keeping it under wraps is really, really hard, because it's an incredibly exciting and equally terrifying time.

Give the poor guy a break, if you are fighting over such small issues now you are going to find the business of actually looking after the kid pretty difficult.

You need to chill out. The baby is 50% of him too and so he should enjoy having discussions about choosing names. He is excited about becoming a parent. You sound too stressed. Talk to your midwife about it. Enjoy some 'us' time with your husband and try and relax more. Talking about not trusting him sounds way too over the top.

@ballerini I completely understand for point of view. I told close family and friends straight away (basically people that would help me through should anything go wrong god forbid) and told them not to tell anybody else as wanted distant relatives and friends/colleagues to find out after the 12-13 week scam. Yet my parents ended up telling all the distant relatives (aunt and uncles etc) and not honouring my wishes. I was very disappointed as I wanted to make sure baby was healthy before I told everyone. Because of this reason of me and dh have a second we’re not telling anybody until after the scan! Hopefully you’re dh’s friend doesn’t know the same people you do and nobody else will find out before your scan. Congratulations....

your*

scan* that should say!

and if* sorry about the typos, I have a dodgy phone

I know the wait for your 12 week scan is so nerve wracking but I wouldn't fall out with your DH over this. Things are not 'safe' after 12 weeks, there are no guarantees until baby is with us sadly. i know the feeling of frustration when people know and you didn't want them to, everyone at my work got an email when I was absent for the first scan. I was really pleased that all my colleagues knew before my own parents!!
Just try to relax OP and forgive your partner.

My first pregnancy DH blabbed to a couple of friends pre 12 week scan, they were happy and excited etc. Then I had a MMC, the fact that his 2 mates knew was literally bottom of the list of things I gave a fuck about at that point.

With DS he also blabbed the name to a friend, the friend said ooh that's a nice name and then they chatted about something else (I was there so was a bit at DH)

It's really not a big deal although I appreciate how stressful the not knowing of early pregnancy can be so for you and I hope your scan goes well xx

Also there is a pervading attitude that once you've seen the baby at 12 weeks you know it's healthy. Actually they check for health issues at 20 weeks. At my 12 week scan as we were waiting to go in another couple came out and the man said 'now I know everything will be ok with the baby I don't need to come to the next scan in 8 weeks.' Nobody knows anything really at 12 weeks and although the likelihood is that all is well it's important not to see the first scan as 'proof' that all is well.

Wow you need to calm down. What a massive over reaction. Simple - don’t decide on a name until the baby is born

I think you're being a bit unfair, I suffered a miscarriage and only parents knew but we needed support.
When I found out I was pregnant again only parents knew but when I got to 12 week slowly started telling people. At 24 weeks she was born and died 2 days old so it really doesn't matter if it's at 7 week or 30 week unfortunately sometimes things happen which we can't help.

Regards to the name when my youngest daughter was born a year ago, we hadn't agreed on any names, mentioned a few to parents and a few friends but nothing set in stone.
I had a traumatic birth and dd who's was 3 ended up being there and she picked her sisters name. She told everyone who went passed that her little sister is called X her dad just agreed so I was told what our child was called lol.
Maybe if I wasn't going into shock I would have objected but she was healthy i didn't care.
Luckily the name is ok and has grown on me, it's nothing stupid. I'm just lucky that she was into trolls at the time and not like Pokemon lol.

Very sorry for the loss of your little girl @pinkiepie

While the 12 week doesn't tell you the baby is healthy, it does show whether there is a baby or not. MMCs are pretty common.

I think you are massively over reacting. To you being pregnant is a big deal. To others it really isn't. His friend probably doesn't even care that much. I wouldn't think he's going to go around telling everyone. Maybe ask your partner to text him and ask him to keep to it to himself until you've had your scan. So you're oh was excited and told his friend. It's really not the end of the world. I named my first before he was born, yes everyone knew the sex and name before hand but everyone (close family and friends who actually cared) was still excited when he arrived. It didn't spoil things. Give your oh a break and good luck with your scan I wish you all the best.

Thanks, it was a hard time but I have come to believe that everything happens for a reason, I believe if she would have survived I wouldn't have my 2 daughter's now. X

You’re having a baby together, maybe it’s time to sort out your issues now rather than later?
It’s his baby too, he got excited and told someone. If anything bad happens he might need support from a friend too.
You can’t give him consequences and say he can’t discuss baby names until after baby is born, that’s ridiculous.
His friend would have said ‘congratulations’ and that’s it. He won’t be ringing up everyone to tell them the news, he won’t give a shit. You’ll have a couple of people who will be excited for you but don’t expect to be the center of attention.
When baby is born, regardless if people know the name and gender all anyone will say is ‘congratulations’ and ‘beautiful’
You and dh need to be a team and you need to start respecting him in my opinion