DH told friend I am pregnant before scan!

[ballerini]

I am 11 wks pregnant and have my first scan next week. DH and I agreed not to tell anyone before the scan and I have been really stressing about anyone finding out!
Last night DH went out with a friend and told him that I am pregnant!
AIBU to think I can't trust someone if they can't trust themself?
I feel completely undermined! I can't see what consequences DH will suffer or what I can do! He's just going to get away with disrespecting my wishes!

YANBU. He should have respected your wishes, especially if was agreed. It doesn't matter whether others think it's a big deal, it is to you. My mother blabbed when I asked her not to. It meant my IL's found out from one of her friends!! I was livid. You should be able to trust your DH despite his excitement! And congratulations by the way

I'd be miffed in your place - you agreed something, he went against it - but do try not to be too upset. Some of us just can't keep it to ourselves. I was the one going round telling the world and his wife at about 6 weeks gestation while DH kept completely quiet :)

You really need to chill out.

When the baby arrives you will
Not be able to control anything in your life so you really need to start trying to be a bit less control freak.

Your pregnancy isn't just your news and you cannot control someone else if they are in the moment being excited and blurt it out.

It happens. Get over it!

Thanks @Joanna57 x

How do I explain missed miscarriage or abortion after any problems if those things were to happen!?

Well ime I didn't tell people and had a miscarriage. As I then felt so dreadful and not overly well, I had the double blow of telling those closest to me all 'the news' that I'd not only been pregnant but if then lost the baby. Having kept it a secret before didn't make the process easier.

And I refuse to hide things like a miscarry - it's not a secret that should be hidden under the carpet.

When I finally got pregnancy again over a year later we told close people way before the scan / the support was useful. And I had really bad morning sickness so it was almost impossible to hide anyway.

Your partner doesn't need to 'pay' or 'suffer' - he got excited and told a friend. It's his news and his baby as mush as it is yours.

Wow! Maybe it's the pregnancy hormones but I do think you are being extremely unreasonable.

if we discuss names before the birth he will go telling people them as well!

You sound like seriously hard work. Other than your close family no-one really cares about the sex or name whether they know before or not. I suspect that the only thing they actually care about is that you’re both healthy. The birth of your child isn’t some massive news story.

Agreed! People will be pleased and happy for you - but all of this keeping the name secret or the sex secret (if you choose to find out) because you want to make s big announcement is so self-obsessed. Nobody else will really care.

YANBU at all. There are very good reasons why people wait until 12 weeks to tell anyone. You know this and are being sensible.

It's not about owning news, or any of the other rubbish being spouted here (I am shocked at the blase insensitivity of the first two pages of this thread, haven't read further). It is that you do have to be aware that anyone who knows early, may become someone who knows about a miscarriage, that you mightn't have wanted to discuss with them. It becomes an emotional burden, or just awkward, for them too.

Your DH doesn't seem to have thought that through. He is letting his excitement override his responsibility to care for you and your feelings, whatever happens.

Best wishes for your scan and everything going wonderfully - most likely it will

I know where you're coming from: when I was pregnant with first DC my DH was chatting to a friend - not close friend, more part of the wider group of friends - and this man told DH he and his GF were having a baby. So DH told him our news in confidence ... before we knew it all of our close friends knew about it via this man rather than us being able to tell them ourselves. DH was gutted. Also, we told his DM when I was about 9 weeks: I was in my late 30s and nervous that all would be ok: asked both our DMs to keep quiet until after our scan. My DM kept her mouth shut, but apparently MIL didn't: at a family wedding we got out of our car in the church car park only to have some relative I'd never met shriek 'ooh congratulations! When's baby due?' I was absolutely furious, plus felt awful for the bride (like I was trying to upstage her, I hardly knew her). I wouldn't have cared but MIL didn't even seem that interested when we actually told her about the pregnancy in the first place. My DSis confided her early pregnancy in a friend: week or so later she ran into this friend's DM who says 'I hear you're having a baby!' She hadn't even told my DM at this stage. I think it's always best to keep it to yourself - when we had 2nd DC we didn't tell MIL until way after my 12 weeks scan.

As Aragog says, the people you tell early, if you wish to, are the people you'd be looking to for support, if something did go wrong. Is this friend such a person? Has your DH even thought about that?

I feel sorry for your DH. You are massively overreacting. He told a distant friend who presumably isn’t going to plaster it all over Facebook. Ask him to containment his friend and to keep the news private until your scan if you are concerned about it’s outcome. No harm has been done.

As for the names nonsense, get a grip.

There are very good reasons why people wait until 12 weeks to tell anyone.

But what are these good reasons?
Incase you lose the baby? Why is that still, in this day and age, a thing to be hidden away from your family and friends?
I case there is a problem with the baby? Again, why does this need to be a secret?

Personally I needed some support when I had a miscarriage. Not telling people would not have been helpful.

And I refuse to keep miscarriages as some dark mysterious hidden taboo.

Oh my goodness, you sound incredibly hard work!

Do be careful that your husband doesn’t just not telling you things because he’s avoiding ‘setting you off’! I wouldn’t blame him.

or just awkward, for them too.

And I'm certainly not hiding a miscarriage away to protect other people's feelings! Surely time had moved on from this?!

Aragog XP - in which I've answered your point.

As you say, telling people about pregnancies and miscarriages is a personal choice. You take a particular approach. OP takes her own. What would be massively unreasonable would be for you or anyone else to conscript OP into your 'openness about miscarriage' campaign against her wishes.

You won't know if there are abnormalities that might make you consider an abortion until the 20 week scan - surely you weren't planning on keeping it secret that long? You'd look mad.

You've acknowledged you're a bit of a control freak. Through this whole parenting thing you're going to need to remember it's the dad's kid too!

Oh, has the op disappeared then? Come back op.

"Aww bless he's excited"

What is he-a kid with a new toy??

No, an adult who should be able to keep schtum!

Op, you know that if anything goes wrong then sadly who you have or haven't told won't be the cause.

But I completely get the idea of not wanting to deal with other people's upset/sympathy.

Don't think that it would be something to be ashamed of though-that would be putting too much pressure on yourself.

Hopefully the person who has been told won't be telling all & sundry so you can still tell others in your own time.

Try not to stress or "punish" your husband.

Hope that all goes well for the scan & that you're sharing your news as you wish soon with your "nearest & dearest".

I get this in a way but I think you're thinking too much about it.

Your baby is important to you and DH but other people are not normally that invested although they will be happy and care for it it's not the same.

I wouldn't worry about miscarriage either nobody wants to talk about miscarriage so if the worst was to happen noone will talk about it it will simply be forgotten about. If you had to make a difficult choice about the pregnancy it would be easy to pass that off as a miscarriage too.

As you've say you don't trust him anymore...LTB? That could be the consequence?

Honestly you sound like a nightmare, won't discuss the three names you like prior to birth? Suppose you've DH aka father of baby doesn't like your limited choice, what then?

OP, chill out and give the guy a break.

He was probably tipsy and a bit excited. It’s big news to keep to yourself!

And the comment about changing the baby’s name if he tells someone is frankly ridiculous.

You’ve got a very long nearly 30 weeks ahead of you if you don’t calm down a bit and stop stressing over fuck all.

Op I assume this is your first pregnancy, and to be frank you're being a-bit precious. It his baby too!

Totally understand why you're upset just remember though you're hormonal & can exacerbate feelings. You're DH might need an outlet too being excited but probably nervous till the scan & needs someone to talk too.

Good luck next week.

Yes he shouldn't have told his friend. But your reaction is very OTT and you need to get a grip on this and realise that. If you can do this I think that's a start. And all this not discussing names in case anyone finds out the 'secret'. Really I'd suggest you think about counselling before this gets totally out of hand.

OP, your hormones are going to be all over the place at the moment. You are blowing all this totally out of proportion. YABU. Please don't punish your husband for being excited.

You seem to have a lot of concerns about the pregnancy, which is understandable. I think you should have a conversation with your midwife. Hopefully, it will allay some of your concerns.