To tell MIL to speak ennglish

[Pokemonlovepower]

So I have a Europe MIL who would always talk to me in English (husband's first language is English ) but since my baby has been born she's speaks only in her own language. My husband doesn't around the baby and we've mentioned that the bi lingual route isn't a big must as we speak English at home. She accepted this but more and more when I visit she speaks in her own language around me (even if the baby isn't present) to my husband, so I can't understand a thing. I offered to try and learn but my husband didn't see the point as he only speaks it too his mum!

AIBU to find it a bit rude ?? X

It’s also rude in that clearly the MIL doesn’t even have any interest in OP as a person if she isn’t talking to her in a language she understands, so she’s not asking OP any questions about herself or (eg) sharing with her their joint amusement at what the DC is doing. This rudeness goes beyond language.

OP, if you offer her a cup of tea or make a suggestion like “let’s go to the park” does she respond to you then with words in English or just actions, or ignore you completely?

People, OP explained very clearly many posts ago that she has no problem with MIL speaking to the child in Swazi, she just wants MIL to speak in English to OP! Stop telling her to let MIL speak to the child in her own language, she has no problem with that!

My husband's first language is (Scottish) Gaelic. He chose not to continue with teaching our children his language when they were young, partly because most of them had language development problems/delays and their SALT thought that coping with one language was a big enough task for them to manage.
It isn't universally true that children can cope well with two languages. However, our children are learning their father's language much more now that they are older, and are interested in it. I understand it very well but don't speak it much (I have a very strong RP accent and it just sounds ridiculous). When the first was tiny and my husband was teaching him Gaelic words I asked him to teach me at the same time, so I could be involved in it. It didn't work so well with the baby but I can ask anyone if they have a shitty nappy, should the need arise!

When I’ve worked with people who speak many languages between them it was considered very rude to not speak so everyone understood.

Trouble with that is that the language in common is always English, which a) absolves English speakers from ever having to bother making an effort with those pesky foreign languages and b) is politically a bit dodgy, particularly where former parts of the empire are concerned.

OP I'm confused by the Swazi / Switzerland comment. AFAIK Swaziland has nothing to do with Switzerland.

Never heard of predictive text/autocorrect Gauche?

I totally disagree that "it is such a shame when parents don't speak in their native language to their children" and find this view judgmental and narrow minded.

But it is a shame as it means that they lose part of their cultural heritage. That doesn't mean that we should blame the parents, but I think it is important to encourage language learning where possible. And I don't think it matters how many people speak the language and how "useful" it is. My husband's father speaks a dialect which is spoken by fewer than half a million people and he didn't speak it with my husband. It will be lost forever in a few decades.

Another viewpoint: if the MIL is speaking her language to the baby she might find it difficult to swap between languages. I certainly find it harder now than I did twenty years ago.

@Gauche it was me who said that, but in the context of my multilingual colleagues who felt they were being rude if returning to their first language, when as I only speak English and they were being courteous enough to speak my language I wouldn’t have thought them rude for a second. It took me a while to understand how important it was for them to be polite in this way, and was asking OP if she’d been brought up this way, too as she may feel very differently about how rude it is depending.

She says her MIL is European Jessie, wind your neck in.

That was obviously a typo as well. Don’t be rude.

My grandma was Italian, and even when she came to see me when I was born and still in the hospital, she was talking to me in Italian, really wish I had listened as I can't speak a word of it.

Totally unreasonable.

My dad speaks Italian with all the grandkids which I wish he’d done with me but he always spoke English. I love that my LO is exposed to another language.

European (repeated several times) as a typo for African. Aye right. And hey, you started it with the rudeness.

"But it is a shame as it means that they lose part of their cultural heritage."

Why? This focus on parents' or GPs heritage is IMV sometimes quite regressive (not saying it's in your case).

My dc haven't lost anything as the language I spoke as a 5 year old is hardly relevant to their daily experience in the UK today. In fact they win a lot by my dh and I being open minded and adapting to our current cultural and social context and integrating in our community. Not wanting to generalise but a few of the families who are fiercely multi-linguale because of their heritage have no English friends just other multicultural families or families form their home country, to me personally that would be a huge loss.

I really do not get this cultural heritage thing. Why look backwards? We are pragmatic and I'd be more than happy moving countries again and my dc learning a brand new language rather than the two I was exposed to as part of my early upbringing. However if we ended up moving to the country of my birth I'd be equally happy for them to polish one of my native languages (which they already speak relatively well).

For us life is busy, dh and i both work, dc go to loads of clubs and their experience is in the here and now, never mind any 'heritage' that may have come from my grand mother (who btw also had parents from 2 cultures, which seems to run in the family) so in our particular situation, there is no one, two three or four cultures and languages, it's an absolutely hotchpotch. which is possibly why we feel comfortable with one main language based identity.

As I said in my pp, each family is different, their dc have different abilities and as someones with a most diverse family background I am comfortable allowing the language of the country i live in to be our primary and loved means of communication, which defines our experience and family life.

Tmgc
Do rtft.
Op has No problem with mil talking to dc in her language.
Its the new development of excluding her from ALL conversations by Only talking in her language when she can speak English perfectly well thats the problem.

" something i find Extremly difficult anyway !"

all British people say that tbh (except for the Welsh), but I doubt their brains are wired differently for language learning.

Gauche what part of she grew up in some obscure area of south Africa makes you think that the MIL is European? OP called her “a Europe MIL”- it’s clear that she was meaning to type “a non-European MIL” but something got deleted/autocorrected along the way.
Please show me where she repeats “Europe” or “European” several times?

I actually don't think I'd mind, it would give me an excuse not to talk to my MIL. But then, I do find my MIL very difficult to get on with. But seriously, if you don't like it, I would suggest you just tell her.

It's great that she wants to teach your DC in her language, and it's a shame that your DH isn't encouraging this. But your MIL should speak to you in a language you can understand.

I know two bi-lingual women who have had children and then worked as translators, they said it was well paid and very flexible compared to previous careers. They get called and asked if they can go to the police station/court/hospital or whatever and can accept or not depending on if it is convenient. A real benefit for them from being brought up bi-ingual.

Rude to exclude your DIL by speaking in a language they don't understand.

OP is bilingual herself and happy for MIL to talk with her grandchild in Swazi. The child's father isn't fussed either way and isn't fluent in anything except English.

If my mother started routinely talking in a language i wasn't interested or fluent in and i knew my DH didn't understand at all i'd ask her to stop. Your DH needs to handle this OP.

Teach your child Icelandic and let DH handle his mother and weather or not he wants to push for Swazi to be learned.

Outside of the language fluency, I'd also make sure my child has an Icelandic passport too. Iceland is in the EEA and EFTA. There are job and translation opportunities. Choices. I'm sure there could be advantages for the Swazi, too. What would a child lose by learning it?

People may not lose anything if not taught another language. However they gain from being able to do so. It is not zero sum.

We're a bilingual family, but that was a decision we made together including grandparents before our son was born. I'm still studying my husband's language and it is knackering - 2 hours a week class plus the mental strain for both of us of switching out of the language we normally use and into one where conversation is stilted, meaning is lost, translation needed etc. This on top of our jobs and parenting! I wouldn't change it but I also would expect a conversation about language use as a family rather than MIL just diving right in and excluding me in conversation. If you're still up for learning the language and going for a bilingual home environment then power to you but it is no small undertaking and you have a right to be miffed about bad communication!

YANBcompletelyU it's great MIL speaks only in her native language to baby but are you saying that in your presence she must only speak english?
in my multilingual family we speak directly to each other in our shared language but as a group in our preferred common language.
however if MIL talking directly to baby in your presence it's logical to use her own language until baby old enough to be part of group convo

Living in Wales I cannot understand why anyone who is Welsh speaking and bringing up their children in Wales would not want them to be bilingual but it does happen. Very sad.