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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL to speak ennglish

157 replies

Pokemonlovepower · 30/03/2018 21:59

So I have a Europe MIL who would always talk to me in English (husband's first language is English ) but since my baby has been born she's speaks only in her own language. My husband doesn't around the baby and we've mentioned that the bi lingual route isn't a big must as we speak English at home. She accepted this but more and more when I visit she speaks in her own language around me (even if the baby isn't present) to my husband, so I can't understand a thing. I offered to try and learn but my husband didn't see the point as he only speaks it too his mum!

AIBU to find it a bit rude ?? X

OP posts:
DairyisClosed · 30/03/2018 22:50

@stickgotstuck that's not really how it works. I failed to pick up a language despite my maternal grandparents only speaking to me in that language for the first four years of my life. It's not really as useful as people seem to think it is to just talk at children in a different language.

BertrandRussell · 30/03/2018 22:52

My brother’s family are bilingual, and sometimes genuinely forget what language they are speaking and have to be reminded!

hellokittymania · 30/03/2018 22:54

Second languages nowadays are a bonus. I would let her speak it, since it's so easy for children to pick up other languages and so many English native speakers don't speak an additional language to an acceptable level. If they even speak one at all

Shalva1970 · 30/03/2018 22:55

My dm and my MIL speak the same language but neither taught their dc, so my dh and I just sit agog while they discuss us/DGC(with smatterings of English so we know)
My BIL taught himself, my db wife speaks it so teaches their dc. I tried and failed.
Much better if we’d just been spoken to in it while young.
If you can learn it as you go, you should. You’ve already learnt English so you have a head start.
I know kids who can speak English, Korean and Arabic so even without a similar base language kids brains really can do it.

thegreatbeyond · 30/03/2018 23:01

I think you should encourage it. Our baby is only spoken to in my DH native language by his relatives in S America, and DH also only speaks to him in this language. Being fluent in 2 languages is great!

Mix56 · 30/03/2018 23:01

I have been told that if a child learns a second language in its first 4 years, that the brain grows & develops a capacity for languages & therefore thy will assimilate other languages easier.

My DD born & lived in husbands country, spoke english with me, also did german at school & later Italian, she travelled extensively on mexico.
She is currently fluent in 5 languages......
Don't fight it

Pumpkintopf · 30/03/2018 23:02

I'm amazed at posters saying the op should embrace the wonderful gift this MIL is bestowing- the MIL is also speaking a language she knows her DIL does not understand when the baby isn't even present. In my view she is being exclusionary and extremely rude.

Put your foot down op. Insist that she speaks so you can understand her. Anything else is beyond rude IMO.

MumofBoysx2 · 30/03/2018 23:03

Seize the opportunity to have your child learn two languages, it will be so good for them!

yousignup · 30/03/2018 23:05

I speak 3 languages, my children speak 4. Growing up in England my parents spoke to me each in a different language. It was a gift and I am so grateful for this. My ILs speak to my children in a language I don't understand. I have never once thought it rude of them. I'm just incredibly grateful and feel lucky. It's not about me, it's about what they are giving my DC.

WingsOnMyBoots · 30/03/2018 23:06

It is very rude to speak in a language you don't understand while you are there. I would be very tempted to learn the language on so I could understand what she is saying. If that's not what you want to do I would at least have to ask if she could please speak in a language you understand. It seems very odd that she used to always speak English before but now does not, even when the baby isn't present. Even when the baby IS present it would make more sense to mix it up which is how new language is learnt then you would pick some of it up naturally any way.

Motoko · 30/03/2018 23:09

So, your child could grow up trilingual! That would be a massive advantage.

I do think it's rude of MIL to talk to your DH when you're there, in her language, but I don't see a problem with her talking to your child in her language.

I also think you should speak to your child in your language, as well as English, and try to learn your DH's language. As pps have said, there are lots of resources online, so you don't need to go to a class.

Please don't bring your child up to only speak English. They will have to learn another language in secondary school anyway. Much better that they get a head start before then, even if it's yet another language that they do in school, they will find it easier to learn if they can already speak more than one language.

stickygotstuck · 30/03/2018 23:09

@DairyisClosed, I think you misunderstood me and we actually agee -

Speaking a bit/sometimes /inconsistently will not help a child learn a language. It has to be often and consistent. DD is bilingual (quite balanced) because I have always spoken to her in the 'minority' language everyday. Some of her friends whose 'minority' parent dipped in and out of the language are not as balanced, or never picked up the language.

instabum · 30/03/2018 23:11

YABU to want to deny your dc the chance of being bilingual OP. I think your DH should make more of an effort to speak his mother tongue with the baby too.

YANBU to want your MIL to speak english to you though.

halfwitpicker · 30/03/2018 23:13

Come baaack op!

AnnieAnoniMouser · 30/03/2018 23:14

People seem to be missing the point that she has started speaking to her son/the op’s DH in another language recently , when the Gc isn’t even there, despite previously speaking english. It is incredibly rude speaking a different language that excludes someone, when you have a common language.

HeadOverMills · 30/03/2018 23:17

I'd love it if my ds had the opportunity to speak a second language and would encourage this.

I even considered finding a Spanish childminder who would only talk to my son in Spanish so he'd learn it.

AnnieAnoniMouser · 30/03/2018 23:23

calatonia. You do realise you will be a Grandparent, not the child’s parent? If I am a "European Mil" one day nothing will stop me talking my mother tongue to my grandchildren!. It’s not your choice.

LeMesmer · 30/03/2018 23:25

Pokeman, your baby has the chance to be trilingual. You should give him or her that chance. Not only because it will be so important when they are older, but because it is known it helps them academically, they will be able to speak to anyone in their extended family in the relative's own language, and, most trivial, but most important to kids, when they are older being trilingual is so cool Grin. My son is trilingual and I am so glad now he is 13 that we made sure he is.

I can understand you concentrate on English, if your child is growing up in England you think you must concentrate on English, at home as well. Which is true to an extent, but your child will be able to cope with 3 languages, if they are at school in England and you speak English well, then their English won't suffer.

Regarding your MIL, it is rude to talk in a language you don't understand, but it is probably not deliberate. Talk to her about it. If you really do want to learn her language she could be your greatest resource.

Pumpkintopf · 30/03/2018 23:32

@AnnieAnoniMouser

calatonia. You do realise you will be a Grandparent, not the child’s parent? If I am a "European Mil" one day nothing will stop me talking my mother tongue to my grandchildren!. It’s not your choice.

I couldn't agree more!

IfyouseeRitaMoreno · 30/03/2018 23:33

Come back OP, we need to know which languages you and your MIL speak!

If I were you I’d secretly learn the language then one day whilst they’re talking amongst themselves just come out with a fluent sentence and revel in their shocked faces!

I’m so jealous of your baby!

DairyisClosed · 30/03/2018 23:37

@stickygktstuck I did indeed completely misunderstood. Feel rather stupid. I apologise for the inconvenience of a pointless tag.

Willow2017 · 30/03/2018 23:47

It doesnt matter how 'good' it is for a child to learn another language op has said her dh doesnt speak his mother's language fluently and they dont use it at home and that up until now mil spoke english perfectly well.

She isnt just speaking to the child in another language she is shutting op out of all conversations which is rude and selfish.

Plus she can use both english and her language to speak to the child it doesnt have to be only one or the other.
Op your dh needs to speak to his mil and point this out and refuse to speak to her in another language while you are there. He is enablung her to exclude you in your own home.

If the only class conflicts with the only free time you and dh have together i understand you not wanting to use this time.

buffalosdonthavewings · 30/03/2018 23:51

my Dc speak two language and learning a third, I love it, it opens up a whole another world for them. i even get my Yemeni elderly neighbour to speak to them in Arabic and they now understand the greetings and very basic words. I love languages and wish I spoke more.
Embrace it. It's your child's heritage.

LeMesmer · 31/03/2018 00:12

Willow it is not 'good' the child learns another language, it is good without the inverted commas. It is up to the OP whether she wants that, if she does, she will have to accept 'being excluded in her own home' to an extent. She could do that and see all the benefits for her child and kiss it to help her learn the language herself. 'Good' FFS .

LeMesmer · 31/03/2018 00:13

Use it not kiss it - sorry.