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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell MIL to speak ennglish

157 replies

Pokemonlovepower · 30/03/2018 21:59

So I have a Europe MIL who would always talk to me in English (husband's first language is English ) but since my baby has been born she's speaks only in her own language. My husband doesn't around the baby and we've mentioned that the bi lingual route isn't a big must as we speak English at home. She accepted this but more and more when I visit she speaks in her own language around me (even if the baby isn't present) to my husband, so I can't understand a thing. I offered to try and learn but my husband didn't see the point as he only speaks it too his mum!

AIBU to find it a bit rude ?? X

OP posts:
Cailleach1 · 31/03/2018 00:15

I don't understand how someone doesn't pass on their language to their children in this day and age. They are living in England. It is all around them and they will be fluent. It is not an either/or. Their father can speak exclusively to them in English. Why didn't/don't you speak to them in your language?

I have relatives who speak an endangered language and they are even more eager to pass it on. The children speak English perfectly, too. They even started acquiring French at an early age. Little polyglots. You say you find languages difficult. If you reared your children with bilingualism, you would solve that problem for them.

allchangenochange · 31/03/2018 00:29

Another vote for getting her to talk to baby in her own language. I am dreadful at languages and one of the things I am proudest of is moving to a country whose language I didn't speak with DC. This enabled them to learn a second language like a native speaker. We moved away and not all of it has stuck but they are way for fluent than their peers and their accents are faultless. It is a gift for for DC.
Reminding her you can't speak it when it is just adults seems fine although it might be polite to learn some basics.

mathanxiety · 31/03/2018 00:35

You should speak to your child in your first language. Otherwise your child will only achieve your own level of fluency and vocabulary in English before heading off to school. It will be a disadvantage to have learned English from a non native speaker, whereas a language learned to fluency from a native speaker will set him or her up for learning English once out and about in wider society, watching tv, etc.

Is it possible your MIL is getting older and finds it difficult to manage English as much as she used to? Unless she has showed signs of trying to keep your DH tied to her apron strings I would not resent the use of her first language here.

halfwitpicker · 31/03/2018 00:40

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BertieBotts · 31/03/2018 01:04

You want to join one of the multilingual parenting groups on FB.

Really your approach is a little narrow minded. It's always beneficial for a child to be exposed to a language. As you live in England and conduct your relationship with your husband in English, it's likely that your child will have English as the majority exposure. This means that any exposure to the other language(s) which are spoken in your families are important and very valuable. It won't hinder their English - kids are able to switch like that, very easily - in fact most people in the know say that it's actually important to maximise any exposure to minority languages which the child has regular access to. This gives you the best chance. It doesn't matter if the DC become fully bilingual or not - you can give them that without making any effort at all if you want to!

corythatwas · 31/03/2018 01:15

I feel really sorry for the MIL who is not to be allowed to speak her own language to her own son. How will you feel if, in years to come, your child marries somebody with a different language and they tell your child that they are not allowed to speak English to you? Will you be ok with that?

I consider myself pretty fluent in English, I teach it and write in it for a living; my mother has an MA in English and is extremely fluent; but there is no way either of us would allow my dh to dictate what we speak to each other or what either of us speak to the children.

Dh, thankfully, thinks that my culture and my background are just as important as his, which is why he took the trouble to learn my language (as I had taken the trouble to learn his) when he realised we would have a future together.

himalayansalt · 31/03/2018 01:19

I don't see where the op has spoken about three languages? Perhaps I've missed a later post.

Children really won't grow up to be bilingual unless they are heavily immersed in both languages every day.

OkPedro · 31/03/2018 01:20

The op clearly said her mil has only RECENTLY started speaking to the DH and now new baby in her native language
The mil didn't bother before as the DH isn't fluent in his mothers native language!

corythatwas · 31/03/2018 01:25

Two perfectly normal reasons for that Pedro:

a) even people who are very fluent in another language often find it difficult to speak to a small child in something that is not their native language (my mother could happily analyse Shakespeare's sonnets, but not speak to anybody under the age of 5)- as children get older it gets easier, which may be why the dh does not speak her language well

b) speaking foreign languages often gets harder with age

Justaboy · 31/03/2018 01:26

What an oppertunity your missing, you really are both my daughters from the second marridge are now Tri lingual:)

BustopherJones · 31/03/2018 01:31

When I’ve worked with people who speak many languages between them it was considered very rude to not speak so everyone understood. I personally didn’t think to find it rude when two people couldn’t express something accurately enough in English, so dipped into their native language to confirm a detail, but they would always apologise profusely. OP, if you’re from a multi-lingual background, have you been brought up to think of this as the height of rudeness? I can understand your feelings if so.

However, your MIL may be speaking to the baby in the way that comes naturally. In the way she spoke to her children, and as she was spoken to as a child. Perhaps she feels her son is missing out on his heritage and needs to get better at her language to share it with his baby. Language can be a very emotional connection. The loss of it can be too.

BertieBotts · 31/03/2018 01:33

Three languages = OP said English isn't her first language, but she doesn't speak her MIL's language.

Bilingualism doesn't have to be the goal and it's not true that children can't learn a language without full immersion. It's beneficial for children to get any regular exposure to an extra language and it's very common that they will pick up, if nothing else, a passive understanding which can be built upon later in life if the child chooses.

MistressDeeCee · 31/03/2018 01:37

She's likely doing it as she's sad you don't want your baby to learn part of it's heritage, and I don't blame her. She may want you to get a little knowledge of language too. So you "tell" your husband not to speak his language and now you want to "tell" your MIL not to speak hers too. She probably thinks you are also rude. Have you been going on about it? You obviously don't think much of their language and heritage. You've not even thought that she likely doesn't want her son to lose his heritage either

You've "offered" to try to learn but don't sound amenable to their heritage so why would your husband now be keen to help you learn when you've only been interested in English and have mentioned that too? ie "we only speak English at home so bi-lingual no big deal"

If your ears are sullied by non-English im not sure why you'd even get with a bi-lingual man

My DCs speak both my language, and their dad (ExHs) language. I speak/understand their dad's language well enough but not brilliantly, there's still stuff they say to each other I won't understand. OH only speaks English. I say phrases to him in my language so he's started to pick it up. He's interested in learning tho.

When im chatting with family whether personally or on phone, I speak a mix of English and my language out of habit. I don't even think about it. I live in England - it happens. OH doesn't get in a tizz as he's not paranoid. He wouldn't be thinking im talking about him.

Likewise I don't bear down on DCs when they speak their dad's language it barely registers with me no way am I going to start "No! only speak English or my language". That's because Im not paranoid either so im not going to be the Language Police.

I can't imagine being with someone and not being interested in their language and culture. Id automatically want to and focus on learning it. Likewise if a man told me I must only speak English he'd have to piss off and find someone who does.

I suppose your DH & MIL.had better learn to only speak their language when you're not present. At least it will keep the peace.

OkPedro · 31/03/2018 01:55

Op said her DH grew up speaking English though and isn't fluent in his mothers native language

"Speaking foreign languages gets harder with age"
Who do you mean the mil or the baby Confused
If you mean the mil I speak English and Irish but my native language (unfortunately) is English, that will always be my native language regardless of what age I am

Original poster
Pokemonlovepower · 31/03/2018 09:32

Thanks for all the replies.

I think ALOT of people have missed the point. I don't mind her speaking in her own language to the baby! If my husband would teach the child it I would encourage it but he doesn't want to.. NOT ME!

I just found it rude because she no longer speaks to me in English. I understand that she doesn't want to lose her heritage and that she wants the baby involved but if the baby is napping I have no idea what she's sayin. THAT'S what i was asking was rude.

I'm Icelandic originally and my MIL speaks Swazi (it's from Switzerland but she grew up in some obscure area of south Africa that spoke it)
Xxx

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 31/03/2018 09:35

Why not tell her you really want both baby and you to learn the language and ask her to make statements in her language and repeat in English. My bilingual friends do this.

MiddleClassProblem · 31/03/2018 09:37

But I think she doesn’t want her son to lose it or be less involved with her culture.

To me it sounds like the baby has made her realise that her son isn’t as much a part of it as she would have liked, and sure that’s partly her doing but maybe she used to not mind but now she does.

MiddleClassProblem · 31/03/2018 09:38

Also I wouldn’t describe her as a European MIL.

LoveInTokyo · 31/03/2018 09:38

YABU. And your husband is B massively U by not speaking to your child in his native language.

missmouse101 · 31/03/2018 09:41

I can't get past all the kisses on the posts (so sorry Blush)

JessieMcJessie · 31/03/2018 09:47

I guess you meant in your OP to say your MIL was “non-European” and that Switzerland is a typo for Swaziland? 😀

English, Swazi and Icelandic- I think your child might be the only person in the whole world with that combination if he/she learns all three! Do you speak Icelandic to the baby?

And yes, she is indeed being very rude not to talk in English when you are there. Have you tried just asking her directly and calmly not to do it?
Is she possibly getting a bit old and having trouble maintaining the English?

Whyareyoudoingthat · 31/03/2018 09:48

OP I really wouldn'the worry too much..are you really that desperate to speak to your MIL? Let her continue in her own language...it doesn't matter to you and could possibly be an advantage to your DC.

Also icelandic-wow! How cool is that. Teach your baby!

Zwan · 31/03/2018 09:52

Whenever MIL starts speaking to DH in their first language, he starts translating their conversation for me. A handy reminder to MIL that I'm being left out of the conversation. As she ages (she's 83 and English is her 6th language, learned in her 40s) she is losing her English vocab, so she either apologises to me and asks for the translation to continue, or throws a few more English words into her sentences to help me keep up.

Your DH needs to remind his mother that you are being excluded.

TabbyTigger · 31/03/2018 09:55

Your DH needs to remind his mother that you are being excluded.

This. The issue here isn’t the baby’s bilingualism - it’s MIL speaking to OP in a language age doesn’t understand, which is rude. If OP started speaking to MIL in Icelandic, knowing she doesn’t understand it, then nobody would think that was okay.

MayCatt · 31/03/2018 09:55

As the language involved is very niche it's not likely to be much use to the child growing up so as your DH barely speaks it there seems to be little point in you and your DC learning either.

But thats besides the point. Your MiL is doing the equivalent of whispering. It's rude. Your DH needs to tell her to stop. YANBU.