To tell MIL to speak ennglish

[Pokemonlovepower]

So I have a Europe MIL who would always talk to me in English (husband's first language is English ) but since my baby has been born she's speaks only in her own language. My husband doesn't around the baby and we've mentioned that the bi lingual route isn't a big must as we speak English at home. She accepted this but more and more when I visit she speaks in her own language around me (even if the baby isn't present) to my husband, so I can't understand a thing. I offered to try and learn but my husband didn't see the point as he only speaks it too his mum!

AIBU to find it a bit rude ?? X

I think the solution is obvious - let her speak to you in her language and answer in Icelandic.

*Tortelliniforever
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What an excellent idea

How sad for your child to miss out on potentially having 3 languages.

In your MIL’s defence, if your husband only speaks his native language with her and you are usually around when she sees him, when else does she get to speak to her son in his mother tongue? The fact that she’s started doing it since your baby has been born suggests to me that she is upset about your husband not speaking his language to your baby.

My grandad’s native language was Welsh. My dad and his siblings grew up in England and never learned Welsh and never really saw their Welsh extended family, so the Welsh language part of our family literally died out within a generation as a direct consequence of one person’s decision not to speak it. I don’t blame my grandad for it because in his day there was much less of an understanding of the importance of preserving your cultural heritage and protecting minority languages, and I think he associated speaking Welsh with growing up in grinding poverty in a mining community. But various members of our family feel that an important part of our cultural heritage has been lost. And my brother went to uni in Wales and will soon be moving back there, and speaking Welsh would actually be an enormous cultural and professional advantage for him.

Being multi-lingual is an advantage for any child, even if you think that the languages in question aren’t very “useful”. It makes you see the world differently, it makes your brain grow differently, and once you’re using those “multi-lingual muscles” it makes it easier for you to learn other languages for school or work.

So you and your husband should both be proud of your cultural heritage and share all the languages you speak with your children.

Realisticially, the child is not going to pick up the second language as OP's DH Is not fluent. Meeting the MIL from time to time and listening to her speak it will not really help the child to learn it in any depth.

Not a huge amount to add after your reply OP, but I really hope you’re speaking to your little one in Icelandic.

Speak Icelandic to her until she stops.

If it was a common language I'd say learn it but Swazi - not so much.

It sounds to me as though your husband is the one with the language hang up. He was clearly brought up to be bilingual since it is the language he and his mum speak together naturally. I wonder why he has this negativity towards his first language.

And what a shame he does, speaking two languages is a huge advantage for anyone, it apparently improves the ability of the language centre of the brain, it helps you to think creatively, to understand the nuances of culture inherent in a language, to communicate more effectively with more people.

I am sorry your husband has missed out on appreciating his gifts and is denying them to his child.

Exactly Tabby people are so set on berating op for not turning her child into a linguist they are ignoring the fact that up until now mil was perfectly happy speaking English to her and dh who doesnt even speak her language well!

Deliberately excluding op from all conversations is rude no matter how you pretty it up.
Plus dh doesn't actually know the language well enough to teach it and therefor does not want to teach op or his child.

Ops post was whether it was rude of mil to exclude her not about her kid learning the language. She has said clearly that she is quite happy for mil to speak both languages to child but typical mn not letting the facts get in the way of a good ol bitchfest.

Maybe the arrival of the baby has prompted your MIL to try and ensure the baby speaks her language, and is trying to do that by encouraging her son/your DH to speak the language in the hope that he will also speak to the baby in that language? So is now always speaking to him in her language regardless of whether your child is there too?

But I don't think it's unreasonable to say to her that you feel excluded when she speaks to you in her language and although you understand that she wants the baby to learn her language (and that you would love to too, could she help?), you also want to be able to join in conversations, so maybe you could all come to a compromise?

Isn't Swazi an African language from Swaziland not Switzerland?

DS's friend has a French mum and a Croatian dad. He's tri-lingual. It's really impressive listening to him switch between the three.

iklboo I was invited to a meal by someone I met abroad. At the table there was me English, an Italian couple, a French Canadian couple, a German man and a Maltese couple. The Maltese lady was a child during WW2 and had no formal education after 10. She could speak all the languages fluently and seemed totally unaware of which she was speaking so she would start a sentence in English looking at me, turn to the German man and continue in German. The French lady would say something and she would respond in French and then say something to the Italian couple in Italian. She would speak to her husband in Maltese. She said she spoke Arabic as well. It was amazing to listen to her.

Suggest you learn the language but not let on. Then you can listen to what she's saying without her realising!

Suggest you learn other language but not let on. Then you can understand what's being said without her knowing!

Op my ex-dh is not English. He refused to speak to our daughter in his mother tongue when she was a baby. Despite me asking him to many times. Fast forward 5 years, he started taking her to his home country for holidays. None of his relatives speak English so she can't converse with anyone except her dad. A huge missed opportunity and she hates having to go there because it's no fun for her.

Oops...

This is such an interesting topic.

I totally disagree that "it is such a shame when parents don't speak in their native language to their children" and find this view judgmental and narrow minded.

Each family has their own unique dynamic, often even more unique when it's an intercultural marriage and family. How bizarre and very intolerant to be so prescriptive about what language parents talk to their children in.

And the uncritical celebration of 'cultural heritage' seems completely conservative to me. I speak 4 languages fluently, grew up in a bilingual family and acquired 2 additional language since childhood as well as living abroad for long periods of time. This 'gift' comes with all sorts of issues attached. It's not just about speaking a language it's also about moving between different cultures, affecting ones sense of identity, community and belonging. I absolutely don't have a sense of belonging to any culture and feel at home with people who are also 'citizens of the world'.
My children speak 2 languages that's all we as a family were prepared to go for even though there are a couple more language that would be available to them. To us it is more important that the dc speak one language absolutely well and correctly and that as a family we have cohesion through shared language an conversation. My dc are teenagers now and able to hold a conversation in their my birth language but English is their 'mother' e.g. native tongue even though it's neither mine nor dh's. The term 'mother toungue' is actually quite regressive as it assumes the mother is the main carer, staying at home when the dc are small and being the main influence on their dc's language acquisition.

I remember when dc1 who staters nursery 4 days a week from 12 months onward and was learning to speak. When I picked him up in the car he would speak in toddler language (English) and there was no chance in hell that I would not engage with him in the language he was learning, reaper back to him and engage in his daily experience in his language. We feel comfortable in the UK and consider this as our family's base so English is our 'go to' language.

Friends who have bi- or tri language children totally don't get why we didn't raise the dc in the same way but they lived in the various countries, had nannies form ether home countries after they moved to England etc. I wouldn't dream of judging them for their choices and expect that my choices in terms of language and culture are equally respected.

peacheach it’s pretty obvious that Switzerland is a typo/autocorrect for Swaziland, surely?

• started nursery *repeating back

You can't tell her. You can ask.

I think she is being a bit rude, but, like others have said, it will be good for your child to learn another language. Her heritage is obviously important to her. I would buy a teach yourself CD, put it in your car when you are driving to work or something similar. Wouldn't cost you very much and you wouldn't have to spend anymore time on it IYSWIM. That will surprise them!

It is exceptionally rude. Speaking with someone in another language when the third person doesn’t know the language is really disconcerting and disrespectful. Regardless of the relationship it’s easy to think something negative is being said about you.

I used to work in Germany and if I met an English person who also worked there (and who spoke German) when I was with my German colleagues, I would speak German to the English person to include them in the conversation. I would feel very uncomfortable I feel the other person insisted on speaking English.

Tell your husband not to speak with his mother in her language when you are present. He can still converse with her in a two way conversation, and you won’t be excluded. Of course in private he can speak however he wants.

It could be she is more relaxed around you so does this, but even asking her not to and explaining why would be acceptable to me personally.

My MIL only speaks Portuguese, I'm trying for children at the moment and would never stop my partner speaking to them in his native language, i think it's so important and can't understand why that would bother you. Why don't you try to learn? Take it from someone who's currently doing that, it's hard but eventually will pays off.

I'd let her speak in her mother tongue. Your child may not pick up much beyond a few words but it should help her learn languages later on.

I studied linguistics many years ago and people who have been exposed to/learned a second language as a child tend to be very good linguists.