Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 ··· 17 18

Original poster

Texting after first date

429 replies

JapaneseCat · 30/03/2018 14:31

When is too late for a guy to text? I felt he was into me but no text since we met last night. He made some references to “playing it cool” while we were on the date.

OP posts:

Parrothead · 30/03/2018 21:32

Wait, is Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat really back?? Go go go Joseph...

Original poster

JapaneseCat · 30/03/2018 21:34

9.30 and no text!!

OP posts:

Somerford · 30/03/2018 21:39

I think you've made a couple of mistakes here OP but they're not beyond repair. Firstly I think you've attached too much significance to him saying that he was playing it cool on the night. He said he had a good time and saying "just good? Is that it?" kind of forces him into that kind of response. I don't think it's significant at all and I think you should let that go, don't let it colour your view of anything that happens afterwards.

Secondly I think you have tried so hard to seem disinterested and nonchalant that you have somehow ended up coming across as disinterested and nonchalant. These games that you're playing are largely a thing of the past so if you set about trying to trick someone into believing that you're not keen, it's unlikely that they'll spend much time trying to work out whether you're playing games with them. They'll likely just assume that you're not interested and move on. You didn't text him after your date when you said that you would so he might already have concluded that you weren't interested, the text you've sent kind of reinforces that view. I don't think there is anything wrong with thinking of an idea for another date and messaging him to ask if he wants to see you again.

You obviously like him a lot but it seems that you're so scared of rejection that you've given him very little choice but to back off. Almost as if you're rejecting yourself on his behalf, in advance, so that you don't have to suffer the indignity of him rejecting you. Well, the end result is the same either way isn't it? If you go on another date and he decides that the chemistry isn't right, no more dates. If you push him away and sabotage things, no more dates. That isn't what you want. You wouldn't have created this thread and spent this much time agonising over the advice you've had if you weren't bothered. You might need to take the initiative and move things on yourself now and there's nothing wrong with that. This idea that women have to be totally passive, maintaining an ice cold facade and challenging men to break it down is long gone and if you persist with that you'll be back in the same situation with someone else in a few weeks. You are not a passive object and all of these games and imaginary rules are unnecessary. If you want to see him again just crack on and make it happen. The worst that can happen is that he says no, in which case you're no worse off than you are right now. Pursue happiness, OP. It won't come to you if you are passive. It certainly won't come to you if you actively deter it.

Original poster

JapaneseCat · 30/03/2018 21:41

Thanks somerford

So what would you suggest I do? He must know I’m a bit interested!

OP posts:

Kittykat93 · 30/03/2018 21:42

Just leave it ! He'll text if he's interested

branstonbaby · 30/03/2018 21:46

Just wait and do not text him again...

LimonViola · 30/03/2018 21:47

Your text was fine! You dropped the ball not letting him know you got home safe as you'd agreed to, but on the flip side it doesn't look great on him that you never messaged and he didn't check you were alright! I know there's no reason for you not to be but surely the 'let me know you're home safe' kinda implies that the other person cares and wants to know you've made it home alright?

Don't message again, in fact, stop analysing it and go message your friends instead about anything other than this, remind yourself there are lots of fish in the sea and no one man is so crucial that he requires this amount of analysing :) you'll be fine whatever happens.

To PP saying your text was cold, have you ever met a man who is interested in you? 😂 Wild horses wouldn't keep them away, let alone a slightly businesslike text message. He might be a bit 'oh, better wait a bit for my next message if she's not too keen' but if he likes OP he'll be in touch to set up meeting again.

I wouldn't want to be with someone eventually who was so ineffectual they let the tone of a message put them off asking me out again.

Whether he gets in touch or not is out of your hands so try forget about it, no point worrying!

Btw what was it about him that made you so into him that you're this invested so early on? He must be amazing!

Original poster

JapaneseCat · 30/03/2018 21:49

Nothing too crazy! We had a similar sense of humour and I enjoyed his company! I think I just get a bit crazy when I don’t understand what’s going on ie when people seem keen then they’re not - obviously says more about me than him!!

OP posts:

Gabilan · 30/03/2018 21:50

even if it was a "thankyou and goodbye text" - which I absolutely don't think it was - then all the more reason to text back if he was interested, surely?

Why are we encouraging men to pursue women when those women are indicating they aren't interested? It's a very mixed message and does no-one any favours. It reminds me of this www.cracked.com/blog/how-men-are-trained-to-think-sexual-assault-no-big-deal/ which is well worth a read.

Somerford · 30/03/2018 21:53

So what would you suggest I do? He must know I’m a bit interested!

I don't know if he does. For all we know he might have been waiting for you to text him last night and been disappointed that you didn't, then he's had a message today which doesn't really invite anything from him. If he thinks you're not interested after last, the text you've sent won't have changed his view.

Just stop for a second and think about how insecure you feel during all of this, how scared you are of showing that you're interested and getting a knock back. Do you think men don't experience that? There are some men who will relentlessly pursue a woman that they like. I don't think they're the majority. If you push him away, which I think you have done, there's every chance that he'll feel he's had his answer and leave it there.

If I were you I would think of an idea for another date, leave it for tonight but message him tomorrow to ask if he wants to see you again. Like I said, the absolute worst case scenario is that he says no. That might not be pleasant but it leaves you in the exact same position that you're in now. Seems to me that you have very little to lose and everything to gain. If he does agree to another date please promise us that you'll ditch these silly games and tactics. You've seen where they lead.

LimonViola · 30/03/2018 22:01

If he likes you and doesn't think you're interested, he'll send out another message simply asking, or asking you out again. As hopefully he'll be smart enough to recognise that tone is hard to read via text! Then if OP does say 'sorry but we didn't click' or some variation, he knows and can back off.

But you don't need to put out glaringly obvious signs the side of a house saying you're interested in someone or face them just evaporating.

MyKingdomForBrie · 30/03/2018 22:01

If he’s interested he’ll find a way to reply. If he doesn’t reply then I wouldn’t beat yourself up about the wording of texts etc.

puddleduckmummy · 30/03/2018 22:21

He asked you to let him know you got home, you didn't bother. You text him hours later with an impersonal message. And you wonder why he hasn't responded? He probably thought you weren't interested, then when he did get your message, thought it was a brush off.

Fruitcorner123 · 30/03/2018 22:21

But you don't need to put out glaringly obvious signs the side of a house saying you're interested

You shouldn't need to put out any signs. Just say you're interested.

LimonViola · 30/03/2018 22:28

Fruitcorner123 She already has, she sent the last text which was nice. Ball is in his court.

Deshasafraisy · 30/03/2018 22:34

NorthernKnickers sarcasm

honeyroar · 30/03/2018 22:37

Your text was fine. He will know you're interested and if he has any manners he should reply. If he doesn't, move on.

Somerford · 30/03/2018 22:37

"Hopefully he'll be smart enough to..."

"If he's interested he'll..."

We're back to passivity and the assumption that the OP has no agency here. This kind of advice is what led her into playing these silly games in the first place. Continuing with this will guarantee that she never sees him again, and it will probably bring about a similar situation with another man in the near future. I don't think there is any comfort in knowing that you played the game correctly if the outcome is that you don't see someone again despite the fact that you really like them.

OP, just ask him out again and get your answer. The kind of women who think that smiling or fluttering eye lashes at a man they like puts the ball in his court miss out on lots of men they could otherwise have formed relationships with. " Well I smiled at him last Thursday and he still hasn't asked me out..."

There are lots of men who are every bit as insecure and worried about rejection as you are, this guy might well be one of them. If he is, I dont think you've given him any reason to believe that he should risk rejection and there is every chance that he might just leave it there. You like him, he probably likes you. Just take a chance and stop with these absurd tactics and strategies.

VioletPickles · 30/03/2018 22:37

Any news.??

Original poster

JapaneseCat · 30/03/2018 22:39

No nothing!

OP posts:

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 30/03/2018 22:42

9 pages pontificating over a TEXT? Would men act like this? Honestly..

Fruitcorner123 · 30/03/2018 22:43

LimonViola No she hasn't told him she's interested. Her text was unclear and sent hours after he was expecting to hear from her. There is literally nothing to lose by sending a text tomorrow saying

"Heard X was on at cinema and wondered if you fancied going one night in the week"

That's clear but not pushy and if he doesn't reply or replies NO she will be no worse off than she is now.

Isthisnameacceptable01 · 30/03/2018 22:48

Do not text him again. Your text was fine. If he is interested he will text you back.

Isthisnameacceptable01 · 30/03/2018 22:50

And for all those saying her text was unclear she sent him a text. He has not contacted her. He has not replied to her text. If he is interested he will text.

LittleMe03 · 30/03/2018 22:53

I read this whole post hoping for a happy ending....

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 ··· 17 18