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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Texting after first date

429 replies

JapaneseCat · 30/03/2018 14:31

When is too late for a guy to text? I felt he was into me but no text since we met last night. He made some references to “playing it cool” while we were on the date.

OP posts:
LaLaOrange · 30/03/2018 22:53

You've left the ball in his court, if he's interested then you've given him an inroad to reply and if he doesn't... it shouldn't be this much effort this early on!

FlexTimeCheekyFucker · 30/03/2018 22:58

This thread is hysterical.

Sassenach85 · 30/03/2018 23:00

Well NOW I'm invested ....... hope u hear back OP!

ilovesooty · 30/03/2018 23:02

The passive chanting of "if he's interested he'll text" and encouraging the OP to sit there demurely waiting for him to make a move is bloody depressing.

Mummadeeze · 30/03/2018 23:05

I think your last text was fine. If he doesn't reply at all then you read the signals wrong. I would keep waiting now, not text anything more. Good luck.

Fruitcorner123 · 30/03/2018 23:10

ilovesooty

I agree.

It's 2018 you like someone - ask them out. It works for all genders and sexualities

Blit · 30/03/2018 23:11

He's just following your example and leaving a long gap before texting, he doesn't want to appear keener than you and you didn't ask a question. If he's interested you'll hear tomorrow.

Somerford · 30/03/2018 23:14

The passive chanting of "if he's interested he'll text" and encouraging the OP to sit there demurely waiting for him to make a move is bloody depressing

I totally agree. The amount of women I know who subscribe to this utter bullshit and then sit at home crying into their Ben & Jerry's on a Saturday night...words fail me. Most of them follow the same pattern, wanting to be pursued but going out of their way to seem like they're not interested and putting up barriers at every turn. Then they're baffled as to why he stopped pursuing them. Those same women will insist that other women must behave the same way, even if it means missing out on someone they really like, because that's just the way it is. Fuck that.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 30/03/2018 23:36

The passive chanting of "if he's interested he'll text" and encouraging the OP to sit there demurely waiting for him to make a move is bloody depressing

It's not passive to want to see how a man plans to treat you, when left to his own devices. I'd say it's active.

If a bloke can't even be arsed to poke his finger on a screen to try to see us, isn't that information we would want to know now, rather than months down the line?

DaisyGiveMeYourAnswerDoo · 30/03/2018 23:36

I think he's just waiting it out like you did. He'll text eventually.

Placemarking

ilovesooty · 30/03/2018 23:39

It rather depends on how much encouragement he's been given so far to continue the dialogue - quite a few posters see it as not very much.

kindermog · 30/03/2018 23:43

Somerford is talking so much sense here.

If he now replies with, “Glad you got home safe, it was good to meet you too,” what then?

Will the ball be back in OP’s court? Will she be allowed to ask him out then or will we have to think of another reason that she shouldn’t according to some archaic rules?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 30/03/2018 23:49

If he now replies with, “Glad you got home safe, it was good to meet you too,” what then?

Then the OP leaves it because he's clearly not that bothered about seeing her again. If he wanted to see her again, he would ask to see her again.

It's really not complicated.

kindermog · 30/03/2018 23:57

But why is it one rule for him and one rule for her? Her message is supposed to be read as, “This is me showing my interest, please ask me out,” but if he replies using the same words he is saying, “I’m not interested.”

That seems complicated.

ilovesooty · 30/03/2018 23:59

She could just as easily ask him out. After all he's done the asking once already.

Somerford · 30/03/2018 23:59

Then the OP leaves it because he's clearly not that bothered about seeing her again

He could have read the OP's text from early today and decided that she's clearly not bothered about seeing him again. But we know that she is.

He might be interested in seeing her again, but not wanting to embarrass himself or risk rejection so the question hasn't actually been answered. And we're back to silly games and mind reading, clinging to that approach so desperately that we're happy for the OP to miss out on someone she obviously likes a lot because the game means more to us than actual relationships in the real world. This is absurd.

ilovesooty · 31/03/2018 00:00

Absolutely Somerford.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 31/03/2018 00:27

We're only having this conversation because this bloke has:

  • not contacted the OP after a date
  • ignored the OP's text

So we're in headfuck country. If you're really into reciprocity, don't you think it's time he made a move?

ilovesooty · 31/03/2018 00:30

And because she dithered about texting him when she got home safely and left it until well into the next day.

He asked her out on the first place. He paid for almost all the evening.

DiegoMadonna · 31/03/2018 00:38

I don't see why it's depressing to say she should wait to see if he replies. Since clearly if he doesn't, he's not interested!

It's just how conversation works. If you text someone, you expect them to reply. If not, that's a pretty clear message in itself. Works both ways for men and women.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 31/03/2018 00:39

He asked her out on the first place. He paid for almost all the evening.

And? Sorry but I don't get your point.

ilovesooty · 31/03/2018 00:40

If she'd texted more promptly and more encouragingly I'd agree with you.

ilovesooty · 31/03/2018 00:40

I meant he's been making the moves from the start.

Somerford · 31/03/2018 00:42

@WhatsGoingOnEh - it was agreed that the OP would text him after the date. She didn't. Why is that his fault? She's messaged him the following day with a text that doesn't invite a response. If he was already thinking she wasn't interested, the wording of that message won't have done much to move things on.

"We're in headfuck country" indeed. The OP created that situation, albeit inadvertently, and some of the advice that she's had on this thread basically amounts to "Fuck it up and then do nothing. If he likes you enough he will read your mind and then unfuck it for you". Maybe he won't. Maybe he'll move on and meet a woman who interacts with him like an adult.

ilovesooty · 31/03/2018 00:47

Somerford you are consistently explaining it better than I am.

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