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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Texting after first date

429 replies

JapaneseCat · 30/03/2018 14:31

When is too late for a guy to text? I felt he was into me but no text since we met last night. He made some references to “playing it cool” while we were on the date.

OP posts:
kindermog · 31/03/2018 01:09

OP, if you’re still interested in advice and if he doesn’t respond I would be totally honest and send a text saying something like,

“D’you know, I’ve realised my text might have looked like a brush-off (isn’t modern technology wonderful!) so to be clear, I really enjoyed the evening and would like to see you again.”

I don’t think that looks needy (or god forbid, too keen) it re-opens the possibility of him asking you out again and clarifies your “interested” status without you having to ask him out.

If he doesn’t reply then it’s a definite “no thank you” from him.

And as Somerford has wisely said, you have nothing to lose!

kindermog · 31/03/2018 03:04

Although as you are now back on Tinder and wondering whether a man offering a dick pic is BU, maybe you’re not that bothered after all.

Your prerogative of course, nothing wrong with hedging your bets. But I can’t help thinking you’d be a bit dischuffed if you found out this guy was doing the same.

Ach well.

Doobigetta · 31/03/2018 05:56

Playing the rules like some posters are advocating is an excellent way of filtering out nice, decent men who respect your boundaries and are sensitive to signs that they've crossed them, and encouraging arseholes who are more interested in the chase and breaking down your barriers than in what you want.

BitOutOfPractice · 31/03/2018 06:13

I think if you're having to work and think this hard over a text, it's a non-starter

g1itterati · 31/03/2018 07:26

"Although as you are now back on Tinder and wondering whether a man offering a dick pic is BU, maybe you’re not that bothered after all.

Your prerogative of course, nothing wrong with hedging your bets. But I can’t help thinking you’d be a bit dischuffed if you found out this guy was doing the same."

Confused What does this mean?

Somerfield - I understand what you're saying having read through your comments last night. However, if a man is so flaky that he won't send a text after a date, that is bad manners. Yes the OP could / should have texted when she got in, but he was hardly that bothered was he, or he would have texted her regardless.

In my ancient experience (age 40), encouraging the OP to send follow-up texts is encouraging her to make a fool of herself. In these circumstances, if the guy wants to ask her out, he will. It really is that simple.

FlexTimeCheekyFucker · 31/03/2018 07:27

?? Kindermog??

lardass88 · 31/03/2018 08:03

Oh my god. What a load of drivel!
You need to admit you messed up by not texting him as soon as you got in so that ship has sailed. On to the next.

Undesceaux · 31/03/2018 08:12

I can’t believe that no one has mentioned the fact that text messages can so easily be misconstrued and are a complete headfuck especially at the start of a new relationship.. how about picking the phone up and making a call?? Or is that too old fashioned Confused

KinkyAfro · 31/03/2018 08:19

Check out the other thread 're dick pics on tinder last night

Fruitcorner123 · 31/03/2018 10:17

Did he text yet?

Fruitcorner123 · 31/03/2018 10:19

In these circumstances, if the guy wants to ask her out, he will. It really is that simple.

But she wants to ask him out. She can just do that and then she knows for sure either way. Not clear why sending a simple text message is being pushy or making a fool of yourself anyway

BitOutOfPractice · 31/03/2018 10:19

When I met dp online I said I would text when I got home. I did. He text straight back, something chatty. I text back "do you fancy meeting again?" He text back "yes!" It was simple. It should feel simple. All this angst is not a good sign

And as for being on tinder again, crikey she had one date with the man, she didn't marry him.

Original poster
JapaneseCat · 31/03/2018 10:24

No he hasn’t - I don’t think he will now! In which case it obviously wasn’t meant to be.

OP posts:
gingergenius · 31/03/2018 10:25

Any reply? This happened to me once! So frustrating. I'd much prefer if if they just said thanks but no thanks. Can't stand the ignoring!!

Original poster
JapaneseCat · 31/03/2018 10:45

Yeah I got a reply, urgh what a patronising twat. “Hey sorry for the late reply, I was out last night! I really enjoyed myself too but have since realised I don’t have the inclination to date right now - sorry about that!” So why make multiple references throughout the date about doing something again and go in for the kiss etc?! Opportunistic but I guess they all are! Anyway at least I know. Urgh

OP posts:
SnowiestMountain · 31/03/2018 10:53

Ugh! But as you say, at least we know!

Original poster
JapaneseCat · 31/03/2018 10:54

Do I say anything back? I want to reiterate it but not sure if that’s sour grapes. Irony is that it was mainly thinking he was into me that made me like him - and the similar interests element. Annoyed with how patronising his message was

OP posts:
g1itterati · 31/03/2018 10:56

Onwards and upwards OP!! Tbh, if he was interested, you would have known sooner. Men don't leave it that long, as a rule. He would have texted you when you got in or to say good morning the next day. Chalk this one up to experience and thank god you didn't text him again!

WhatsGoingOnEh · 31/03/2018 10:58

His message doesn't really warrant a response, does it?

YourWanMajella · 31/03/2018 11:01

So why make multiple references throughout the date about doing something again and go in for the kiss etc?! Opportunistic but I guess they all are! Anyway at least I know. Urgh

You said in a previous post that it was you making the references to do doing other stuff, and he agreed with you. He could be just being polite.

He hasn't done anything wrong here.

OutofSyncGirl · 31/03/2018 11:02

He sounds like an idiot. Maybe he's one of those guys who wines and dines women to try & get a shag on the first date. In which case you've had a lucky escape!

Original poster
JapaneseCat · 31/03/2018 11:02

No I didn’t, it was him!

OP posts:
OutofSyncGirl · 31/03/2018 11:03

'He hasn't done anything wrong here.'

Actually I think he has. It's wrong to kiss someone on a first date if you're not interested in going out with them.

Original poster
JapaneseCat · 31/03/2018 11:03

Just awkward as I know he has had a couple of pretty serious relationships so it’s made me feel rejected. Need to work on my self esteem! —he was also a really bad kisser—

OP posts:
WashingMatilda · 31/03/2018 11:04

Well there's your answer OP.