In thinking DH's attitude is absolutely ridiculous? I'm seething!

[justkeeponsmiling]

For reference, we have 3 DC: DD (17), DD (12) ), DS (8). DH and I got together when eldest DD was 18 months old, he treats her like his own and her biological father is not on the scene these days (her choice, he was being a total cunt and she cut contact last year).

Eldest DD will be 18 in a couple of months. She has always been quite nerdy and generally a "good girl", always very responsible, never really going out on the piss, only ever had one boyfriend last year and too my knowledge hasn't even had sex yet - though I realise I might be wrong on this front. So we've never really experienced most of the trials and tribulations that most parents of teenagers experience.

So a couple of days ago DD asks if she can go to her (male) friend's house in the afternoon, after work. She has met this lad through a mutual friend last summer and met him a few times, never been to his place. Not that it makes much of a difference I suppose, but he is 18 and still lives at home. She informs me she will be taking public transport home and get home around 9pm. Of course, no problem. She then asks I'd she would be allowed to have a few drinks at this lads house. I say yes, sure but don't get drunk (last year, one one of the extremely rare occasions DD went for a night out she got extremely drunk and was very lucky she didn't die, due to engaging in some pretty stupid behaviour. It was awful and she knows I still get a bit twitchy when she mentions having a drink, hence her asking if I would mind). So as not to dripfeed, DD was diagnosed with depression last year, mostly brought on by her biological father's cuntish behaviour, and has had a course of ADs and counselling. She dropped out of school and lost a lot of friends at the time. She is much better now and to be honest I'm fucking delighted she is making new friends and going out socialising again!

So as promised, DD came home an out 9:30 last night, obviously quite tipsy. I made her some food, we sat down together while she was eating and she told me she had a fab time - this lad had another mate round who DD knew from school and together they had a few alcopops and played xbox. DH overhears this conversation and halfway through gets up from watching TV and stops upstairs to the bedroom without a word, where he stayed until all DD had gone to bed. When he eventually reappeared I asked him what the matter was as I could tell something was up.

Apparently "he didn't like what he was hearing", so to avoid an argument he thought he would go upstairs. Turns out DH thought it was not ok that DD was in the house with two lads drinking alcohol. He kept asking me if I was ok with it - umm yes?! It was the afternoon, she informed me of her plans, checked if she was allowed a few drinks, didn't get legless and came home as she had promised. I really fail to see the problem! But no - apparently DH, who used to get pissed and take drugs in his mother's shed with his mates from the age of 15 feels it's wrong for a girl to be in the hose with two lads drinking. At very nearly 18 years of age. I was absolutely gobsmacked. I feel that given his own youth he clearly has horrendous double standards, and it makes me really angry that in his head he is turning an afternoon of fun into something seedy and inappropriate. I wasn't even able to discuss this with him - apparently I can't criticise his view because "that is his opinion", and what is he possibly meant to do if this is how he feels?!
I suddenly feel like I am married to some matron from the dark ages and I now absolutely dread our middle DD starting to go out and be a teenager in a few years. His attitude makes me so angry and his complete refusal to discuss the matter is IMO just ridiculous. AIBU to really struggle to get past this? I have no idea how to deal with his attitude!

Harriet if I was the OP I would find your post very hurtful, you seem to be dismissing everything she is doing for her DD, they are obviously close.

"She has had a few months of counselling, some sessions I attended with her and some she attended by herself. After many conversations she decided she no longer needed counselling but we regularly sit down together and discuss how she feels and if anything has changed. Please don't make assumptions on how vulnerable she is and how she deals with her problems because for the past year or so I have spend an awful lot of my time delving into her mind and helping her face her problems"

The big issue here is your husbands moodiness and sulking - awful.

Is he like this in other areas of your life or does he reserve all of his childish behaviour for issues with your daughter?

He needs to improve his communication skills big time. He will definitely be worse with his biological daughter.

She’s nearly 18. She’s an adult - she can do what she likes as long as she obeys house rules (so when she comes home so pissed she vomits over the front room he can have an opinion, until then he can butt out). How will she ever learn to behave like an adult if he is still trying to pass judgment. If he backs off he may find she actually asks for his opinion on things.

And what’s all the fuss about being with 2 boys? At 18 many of my best friends were male and I spent a lot of time two in particular. They were friends - nothing happened with either of them - it was never going to. We did sometimes get drunk together as well.

Olivia, would you really have stomped off in a sulk in this situation? Or would you have sat down and tried to discuss your concerns like a mature adult? That's where the problem lies here - the fact that OP's DH goes into a babyish sulk and refuses to discuss anything.

The situation is asking for trouble. I didn't say she was asking for trouble.

At 18 many of my best friends were male and I spent a lot of time two in particular
Because this is a guy she barely knows plus a random stranger z? Not saying she shouldn't go. Def not saying sulky H was right but if this was my niece I'd be a bit twitchy

And yes what’s with treating all boys like sexual predators? I have a 16 year old son who has a lot of female friends (he does a lot of drama and dance) - he’s often in mixed groups or chatting to girls (he knows) online. He’s also into gaming. I wouldn’t bat an eyelid at his gaming with two friends of whatever gender. He’s never had alcohol while out but I guess that will change fairly soon.

Well I barely knew the guys when I met them. They had the rooms next door to me at college. We were fairly inseparable for about the first two terms.

That’s the age when you start meeting random strangers and hanging out with them. Some of the people I am still in contact with the most are friends of friends I met randomly while hanging out during school holidays in 6th form.

“And what’s all the fuss about being with 2 boys? At 18 many of my best friends were male and I spent a lot of time two in particular.“

These were not friends. One she has met a couple of times, one she has never met before. She is not a confident outgoing 17 year old. She is vulnerable, recently diagnosed with depression, has lost many of her friends, and the last time she got drunk she behaved in a way so dangerous that she could have died. I think that it is entirely appropriate to be concerned about her in that situation.

Most dads love their daughters. They also know what young lads can be like. When you mix that with alcohol, youth and closed doors he is not unreasonable to feel concern.
Concern is not the same as dictating what she can and cannot do.
Overly worried? Perhaps. But better that than not caring.

I worry about my daughter driving because she's still inexperienced and drives too fast. I worry about her getting too drunk and done idiot male taking advantage. We worry too, don't make us wrong on that front too.

Devilishpyjamas I'm not saying she shouldn't make friends, I'm saying I would feel a little uncomfortable if she was my daughter, especially given her low confidence etc. However you don't deal with it by sulking and making it harder for her to be open.
It isn't about accusing all boys of being rapists, it's about being honest that in a situation with two of one sex and one of the other, plus alcohol, one sex is statistically more at risk than the other. So its good she was open about where she was going, what she was drinking. Its good she can talk to her mom. Its good she's making friends and going out into the world. Its not good her Dad is acting 5. It doesn't deserve a firing squad for admitting I'd prefer she'd met them somewhere other than a house she'd never been to. And Uni halls are different because she potentially has a safe place to retreat.

“And yes what’s with treating all boys like sexual predators?“

Yes, because that is exactly what I am doing.

I am with the husband on this one. I think it's a really bad idea to be alone with two guys you barely know drinking in the afternoon. We don't live in a pink fluffy world like some posters seem to think we do. I would have handled things very differently to how the husband reacted but feel he's getting too harsh a deal.

To put it in context I have an 18 year old son who has severe learning disabilities and has been assessed as not having capacity. As soon as he turned 18 dh and I lost the right to make any decisions on his behalf. We are generally consulted but we don’t have to be. The person who is entitled to make decisions is generally his social worker who has met him once. And forget us being able to see any of his records or anything. Not going to happen without a battle. We have applied to the Court of Protection to grant us the right to make decisions on his behalf but it takes about 6 months (& for health and welfare isn’t often granted).

So the right to be seen as an independent adult at 18 is deeply enshrined in law. We do our teens a disservice if we don’t give them more freedom as they approach 18. At 17 I don’t think it’s any of my business who my (non-learning disabled) children hang out with or whether they’ve met them before or not. It’s a time of meeting lots of new people. Ds2 will be changing schools or going to college in September - everyone will be new. Ds2 and ds3’s know (I hope) that I will rescue them if they find themselves in unsafe situations - without a blasting.

And vulnerable depressed people with low self esteem sometimes make seriously crap decisions.

When a girl turns 18 she legally becomes an adult but that doesn't mean she automatically has the emotional capacity to cope with the rights and responsibilities that brings.

I would be wary of a 17 year old girl spending an afternoon getting "tipsy" in a house with two boys she barely knows. Tipsy means not sober therefore losing some inhibitions and judgement.

But then again, I have no desire to be a cool mum.

“We do our teens a disservice if we don’t give them more freedom as they approach 18. At 17 I don’t think it’s any of my business who my (non-learning disabled) children hang out with or whether they’ve met them before or not.“

I agree completely with the first sentence. Disagree with the second.

Your DH sounds an old fashioned Gentleman, not many of these left imho, he loves your DD and doesn't want anything/anybody to hurt her and he is trying to protect her as best he can . Following her depression and dropping out of school he is obviously very concerned about her OP. I think you could /should cut him some slack.

There are obviously some risks around her being potentially vulnerable here. However, many of my friends who weren’t “vulnerable” have done stupid stuff while drunk (or even not drunk) so I don’t think the mountain incident necessarily gives a clear picture that age is definitely vulnerable. It may do in the context of her also having had depression - but again, through university I knew a really quite large swathe of people suffering depression, and they weren’t vulnerable adults, at least not in the sense of needing protection from alcohol and other people.

Bear in mind that if age was Scottish she would be at university by now - if not, a late birthday could make her just a month or two older and at university. When I was at uni I used to get drunk with people I “didn’t know” - because they are all strangers and you also meet new people all the time. Sometimes it was a big group, sometimes it was just one or two others. Sometimes those were boys. That might have been a risk, but it doesn’t mean that it was a risk I shouldn’t have taken.

I don’t think stomping around and refusing to discuss a fairly standard situation that could easily occur again is a useful stance to take.

For goodness sake I went on holiday with 4 lads abroad when I was 18. Nothing happened and I had a fab time. There were my best mates they just happened to be male

She did exactly what she said she would. How will she ever learn to manage risk or handle herself if she isn’t ever exposed to it?

In OP’s shoes I would be talking to her specifically about how to get out of the situation if she becomes uncomfortable (a coded text to a parent seems a popular way these days). I wouldn’t be showing a lot of disapproval because that would make it less likely she would call for me to help if she ended up in a sticky situation.

But I did know them very well, had known 2 of them since primary school.

“But I did know them very well, had known 2 of them since primary school.”

So basically a completely different situation.

And if you disapproved of your kids friends at 17 Bertrand? What are you going to do? My son seems to have a lovely bunch of friends - I’m well aware that a) if I didn’t like them there’s bugger all I could do about it and b) when he meets up with his mates in town I don’t know who he is actually with as that group is likely to be fluid.

Well, you seem to treat her like she’s very young and vulnerable so I’m not sure why you are seething with him for feeling she’s young and vulnerable.....