In thinking DH's attitude is absolutely ridiculous? I'm seething!

[justkeeponsmiling]

For reference, we have 3 DC: DD (17), DD (12) ), DS (8). DH and I got together when eldest DD was 18 months old, he treats her like his own and her biological father is not on the scene these days (her choice, he was being a total cunt and she cut contact last year).

Eldest DD will be 18 in a couple of months. She has always been quite nerdy and generally a "good girl", always very responsible, never really going out on the piss, only ever had one boyfriend last year and too my knowledge hasn't even had sex yet - though I realise I might be wrong on this front. So we've never really experienced most of the trials and tribulations that most parents of teenagers experience.

So a couple of days ago DD asks if she can go to her (male) friend's house in the afternoon, after work. She has met this lad through a mutual friend last summer and met him a few times, never been to his place. Not that it makes much of a difference I suppose, but he is 18 and still lives at home. She informs me she will be taking public transport home and get home around 9pm. Of course, no problem. She then asks I'd she would be allowed to have a few drinks at this lads house. I say yes, sure but don't get drunk (last year, one one of the extremely rare occasions DD went for a night out she got extremely drunk and was very lucky she didn't die, due to engaging in some pretty stupid behaviour. It was awful and she knows I still get a bit twitchy when she mentions having a drink, hence her asking if I would mind). So as not to dripfeed, DD was diagnosed with depression last year, mostly brought on by her biological father's cuntish behaviour, and has had a course of ADs and counselling. She dropped out of school and lost a lot of friends at the time. She is much better now and to be honest I'm fucking delighted she is making new friends and going out socialising again!

So as promised, DD came home an out 9:30 last night, obviously quite tipsy. I made her some food, we sat down together while she was eating and she told me she had a fab time - this lad had another mate round who DD knew from school and together they had a few alcopops and played xbox. DH overhears this conversation and halfway through gets up from watching TV and stops upstairs to the bedroom without a word, where he stayed until all DD had gone to bed. When he eventually reappeared I asked him what the matter was as I could tell something was up.

Apparently "he didn't like what he was hearing", so to avoid an argument he thought he would go upstairs. Turns out DH thought it was not ok that DD was in the house with two lads drinking alcohol. He kept asking me if I was ok with it - umm yes?! It was the afternoon, she informed me of her plans, checked if she was allowed a few drinks, didn't get legless and came home as she had promised. I really fail to see the problem! But no - apparently DH, who used to get pissed and take drugs in his mother's shed with his mates from the age of 15 feels it's wrong for a girl to be in the hose with two lads drinking. At very nearly 18 years of age. I was absolutely gobsmacked. I feel that given his own youth he clearly has horrendous double standards, and it makes me really angry that in his head he is turning an afternoon of fun into something seedy and inappropriate. I wasn't even able to discuss this with him - apparently I can't criticise his view because "that is his opinion", and what is he possibly meant to do if this is how he feels?!
I suddenly feel like I am married to some matron from the dark ages and I now absolutely dread our middle DD starting to go out and be a teenager in a few years. His attitude makes me so angry and his complete refusal to discuss the matter is IMO just ridiculous. AIBU to really struggle to get past this? I have no idea how to deal with his attitude!

From the perspective of your teenager- imagine your dad being moody because you had a boyfriend, not normal IMO.

It's normal to worry about them getting hurt, if they're safe etc etc but what you describe sounds more like jealousy. She is almost an adult and perfectly entitled to hang out with whoever she wants without being subjected to dad's mood swings. He sounds pathetic quite frankly.

It's also ridiculous to talk about boys like they're all sexual predators. She needs to learn to trust her gut, yes there are arseholes out there, men and women, but by not being allowed to hang out at a mate's house with a few drinks at that age? That won't help her confidence one bit.

What's he done wrong?

He's perfectly entitled to his opinions and he didn't try to force them on you or your daughter; he quietly left.

Actually behaving like a sexist macho is wrong, sorry. He is also refusing the possibility that the OP might have her opinion and to acknowledge it. He just thinks he is right. Because he is a man so ‘he knows aboutbthose things’??

And he didn’t quietly left
He left but still in such a way that the OP knew something was wrong and went to see him (so their dd would also have noticed too)
He also behaved like a twat when she had a boyfriend and refused to discuss anything about it. He was a ‘moody twat’ at that time.

I have to say, I wouldn’t try and ‘get pass it’. You need to have your dds’ back there. Dd1 and dd2.
Your dd is early 18yo. Time for her to learn to be responsible and time for him to let go and treat her like an adult, not a child.
You need to talk. Not about that particular experience but about your ur dcs growing up and how to give them more and more indépendance somthey learn, bu in a safe way. You need to remind him that by September (I assume?) yu ur dd will be at uni on her own. He isn’t going to check up in her to see if she isn’t spending time with boys in a house!! Much better to teach her to stand up for herself and know her boundaries.
Of course, same with your younger dd. Except that it's worth highlighting that if he really gets twatty about her having a bf, she might well hide it from him and take many more risks that he was more ‘relaxed’.
In the mean time, maybe be a broken record of ‘well this is how I feel, I can’t do anything about it but stopping our dd to go and see friends/whatever behaviour he disprove of is (too) controlling and inappropriate’ might a good one too.

Good grief, he sounds like a dinosaur. I have now adult DDs (and a DSS) and both of them had friends of the opposite sex and hung out with them lots. Ask him... if it were a couple of girls she was Xboxing with and having a couple of alcopops, would he be OK with that?

Whilst we treat the opposite sex like predatory aliens there is no way teens can learn how to be around with boys, look how great the young lad was with the mountain incident...

I would be absolutely furious if my DH refused to discuss things with me, it's pretty pathetic to shut down and sulk because people don't agree with you.

All those saying a young girl shouldn't be going to a lads house... she's nearly 18 !!! An adult! What's going to happen then? Will she miraculously know exactly what to do in every situation overnight? I'm so glad I treated my kids as developing adults as opposed to 'don't know a thing and boys are bad' adults.

OP it sounds like your DD has learnt a lot in the last year or two, she did all the right things - asking you about a couple of drinks, coming home when she said she would... you can't go back on slowly trusting her.

What on earth is your DH going to do when she properly get a steady boyfriend? What about when a few years into a relationship, she wants him to stay the night? I dread to think, he'll be out in the shed sulking!

Harriet I don't know what made you say that I am keen for my DD to have sex? I am proud of her for so far having chosen not to and I have a suspicion she dumped her BF for trying to pressurise her into sleeping with her.
My DD has a couple of very close Female friends but lost a large circle of friends when she dropped out of school. She stopped socialising and became a bit of a recluse. I am delighted she is making friends and is no longer lying in bed on her days off watching TV.
She has had a few months of counselling, some sessions I attended with her and some she attended by herself. After many conversations she decided she no longer needed counselling but we regularly sit down together and discuss how she feels and if anything has changed. Please don't make assumptions on how vulnerable she is and how she deals with her problems because for the past year or so I have spend an awful lot of my time delving into her mind and helping her face her problems.

justkeep it sounds like your DD is taking her first tentative steps back into a social life, whilst not pushing her into more she can cope with, you are gently encouraging and helping, you sound like a fab Mum.

Whether your DH engages with it or not, I would be telling him exactly what I think as far as the hurdles and obstacles you are all going to face through teenagehood, he can't carry on with the sulks and strops

I'm with your dh on this. You have a socially naive dd. One who has shown previous poor judgement while under the influence of alcohol in a situation that could have resulted in a much worse outcome.

So she comes home quite tipsy after spending the afternoon and evening drinking in a private home with two guys who are vague acquaintances. I'd have reacted like your dh. Can you seriously not see where he is coming from with his point of view?

It is not normal for a grown man to sulk for days on end when his 18 year old step child gets a boyfriend or hangs out with boys.

This would set alarm bells for me. I have to be honest.

It’s also a bit of a worry that this 18 year old girl had to be home at 9:30 and seek permission to have a few beers.

Yous are way out of line.

He needs to butt out. Again I want to say his reaction is NOT NORMAL.

It’s also not fair on your daughter.

She can drink and have sex if she wants to.

I don't think Dh has done that much wrong either. So he has totally different views to you. That is allowed!

Dh and I have very similar views on list things but very different views on others.

We also parent in a totally different way.

Both of these mean we rub along together quite nicely.

You seem to want MN to tell you that you are right. And that he's being archaic to not change his old fashioned view. I disagree. I don't see it that way.

I think it's ok for him to keep his/this particular/any old fashioned view.

But you just agree on how to move forward, on this particular issue.

What he’s ‘done wrong’ is be a moody git & refuse to discuss both his & the OP’s POV. It’s not acceptable.

Their DD is almost 18, stropping because she spent the afternoon with two friends is pathetic. She asked her Mum, she was honest about drinking, she cane home early when she said she would.

Just because he spent his youth drinking in the shed with his mates, probably crapping on about which girls they’d like to screw given a chance, doesn’t mean all lads are the same. She’s allowed friends, male or female.

If he carries on like this she’ll just move out & that’s far more likely to put her in situations where she’s taken advantage if, than an afternoon with a lad she knows and his mate.

I would say to him if he’s not willing to discuss issues, then there’s very little point in being married, you might as well be parenting on your own without his sulking. Get this sorted now because when it comes to the younger two he’s going to be an absolute nightmare.

DH was absolutely dreadful when DD had her boyfriend. I wasn't too happy with her choice either - he was an unemployed school drop-out living on his own on the dole playing on his xbox all day. It was so difficult because DH used to refuse to discuss anything to do with him and instead went into a moody sulk at the mention of his name.

Oh my god. If my daughter were dating someone as you describe, I don't know what the fuck I'd do.

Sulking is the least of it.

He may not be able to change how he feels but how he acts is his problem. I suppose I’d say that 18 is old enough to move out and if you drive our children away I don’t know if I can forgive you. And sometimes, you need to just tell your feelings they are wrong and behave like you feel differently, feelings are to inherently right. For example what if your daughter was a lesbian and your dh hated the idea of her even speaking to other girls? You would have to protect her from his displaying his feelings.
That said, in this example you need to acknowledge that he is probably afraid for her, but needs to express it differently as well as be able to discuss it with you.

What he's done wrong is to be a massive hypocrite and to sulk and impose his upset on the whole house, instead of dealing with things in a more mature way.

Just because he spent his youth drinking in the shed with his mates, probably crapping on about which girls they’d like to screw given a chance, doesn’t mean all lads are the same. She’s allowed friends, male or female
^^ This with knobs on.

There was a lot I stupidly did as a teen and young adult that could've coloured my view of how I brought up my DCs.

I think it is a strong emotion he is feeling, and agree with you it is how he acts that could do with changing. Could he maybe talk to other parents of girls about how they felt and coped with those feelings?

I agree with you that he's wrong in his sexist attitudes but what's worse than his attitude is his sulky behaviour

Does he always sulk when he doesn't like what's happening? Have you been putting up with this for the best part of 20 years? Ugh. I hate sulking in men.

So to me it sounds like this is more about your relationship with him than anything, although there are lots of factors, and I'm not dismissing your daughter's right to live in a house with a dad who treats her with respect. The fact that he responded previously when you told him how alone it made you feel is good, imo. Can you let it blow over and then talk to him about generally how alone it makes you feel when he disengages like that? I feel like the different approach might be handleable if you could talk about it. Also, he sounds TERRIFIED about his baby growing up and possibly getting hurt. I think it could be coming as much from fear as disapproval.

His attitude sounds unpleasantly proprietorial

I don't know...it sounds like he is being really overprotective which is irritatinh, yes, but probably comes out of the love he has for your daughter. Sounds like a very nice and involved stepfather.

I am not 100% sure how I would feel if my DD had had a bad year emotionally so was a bit vulnerable, and went off to someone's house with one male she had never met, and one she had only met a few times, for drinking. In this day and age you hear a lot of horror stories and I would probably be nervous. Obviously though she is of an age where one must accept these perceived risks and let her get on with it, as we all did growing up.

I second everything Olivia said.

Buzybeez, there is no such thing as asking for trouble.

She's 18, she didn't even need to ask permission for all of that so yes he's being a prick

I think he should talk to your dd sensibly about his concerns. I also think that just maybe you might think about whether he might have a point, however badly he expressed it. I would be worried about a dd of mine who was obviously vulnerable spending time alone with boys she doesn’t know drinking enough to be obviously “tipsy”.

I can see both sides here. Clearly he handles communication very badly indeed and it's beyond ludicrous for an adult to state that's their opinion and refuse to discuss further.

However she has had mental health problems in the past, has been highly vulnerable and was off drinking with two lads in their home.
On the other hand she was totally honest, came home safely, and is trying to develop a social life again.

I also suspect he is just worried for her, and being over protective, but cannot handle his emotions well and is a terrible communicator.

If I was to address anything with him it would be his prolonged moods, his refusal to discuss anything and his method of communication.

I'd also see if I can help push my daughter into more varied social activities, gently. Day time drinking in some lads house really isn't great.

I too agree with Olivia.

We've got 1) the previous experience where she put herself in physical danger after drinking. 2) the unemployed X-box addicated previous boyfriend. 3) the going off to do daytime drinking in the houses of people she barely knows

Although young people take risks and do daft things, these are not the actions of a happy socially confident young woman. And however much mothers care about their daughters and try to do their best, I really do feel there are times when caring professionals outside the family have a very useful role to play in young people's lives.

It is a great shame that you and your husband don't seem to be able to support your daughter jointly. It also seems a great pity that your daughter has decided she doesn't need counselling - because additional sesssions might give her valuable further support.

I understand why, your daughter drinking at the house of a guy she barely knows and a random stranger might make your DH twitchy. Because we all know that it isn't always as simple as saying "no".
However noisily sulking and not actually dealing with it is clearly U and very unhelpful. God help him if she goes off to Uni / moves out and stops asking permission