Or is she going ott?

[Scrambledheads]

I'm a member of a class group on Facebook for parents to share information, school trips, clubs etc. Last week there was a class trip to a local castle and the weather was really terrible. One of the mums posted on the morning of the trip saying 'Welly weather then' and I commented below saying 'looks like it, as long as they are well fitting as there are lots of twisty narrow stairs in the tower which are slippy when wet'. I wrote this knowing a notification would go out to other parents, most of whom won't have been to the castle and might not know about the twisting stone stairs.
I received a message from the mum who had made the original post and it said 'I've brought up an 18 year old on my own successfully so don't need your input. I was embarrassed and patronised by your comment and no longer feel able to post on the page'
I replied saying it wasn't directed at her but to warn parents who hadn't been there before, and that I didn't mean to be patronising at all. She then replied saying 'don't like being told what to do? No you wouldn't like that. I put up with this the first time round but not any more. My daughter has an unconditional offer to uni and I'm a great single mum so I don't need your advice'.
I should add that I've never had direct contact with this woman before. I can't help but feel tense that she thinks I was deliberately trying to patronise her... AIBU or is she reading too much into it??

PS lots of unis are making unconditional offers these days for various reasons; they're incredibly commonplace.

I'm always late to the party but that said I would find your comments patronising - I know you meant well but the phrasing could have been better (sorry) but the other mother was OTT.

This is probably one of those instances where least said soonest mended.

I wouldn't have found that patronising at all. Threads like this worry me because I realise something innocuous as posting on a FB can garner such OTT responses

The school should have been the ones to have reminded parents about appropriate clothing, but since it seems that they didn't, I just think the OP was being thoughtful. Clearly the 'offended' other parent didn't! I work with someone who gets like this, jumps on every bandwagon to be offended.. Bloody exhausting frankly....

It probably could have been worded a little bit better on your part but your intention was kind OP. I probably would have been more like ‘those castle steps are so twisty and will be a nightmare wet, what’s everyone wearing on their feet- I was thinking wellies’ etc The parents should be able to take it from there. But to be honest I’m often shocked by the letters home from School saying things like ‘make sure they are warm enough on world book day- extra layers and a coat’ (during a cold snap)I think some parents would send them in an off the peg costume and nothing else!
Her reaction was completely ridiculous - massive chip on shoulder and insecurities. Silly woman.

She sounds really really hard work and I'd be avoiding her in future. I wouldn't have read your post as patronising at all, I'd have thought, good point.

In her OP she said 'most of whom won't have been to the castle'. Patronising and smug.

No, not 'patronising and smug' - the castle, not a castle. This specific one, which she has visited previously.

Your comment was a bit eye roll worthy. Nothing more. Certainly didn't warrant that reaction

What ButtMuncher said!

I can’t believe how many people would have found this patronising, this is the sort of thing I might say (without the slightest intention of being patronising) in an attempt to be chatty and friendly.

Makes me feel concerned about how I regularly might come across! 😬

Glad I'm not the only one Elephant! I think too many people take too many things to mean something they are not

I would have eye rolled at your response because the assumption that parents don’t buy shoes that fit would have annoyed me. I think it is the school’s place to make statements like that not other parents - no matter how well your intentions. If you’d have written something about the weather and steps being slippery as a different comment - but honestly I don’t think it ever goes down well to be the parent with the unsolicited advice and insider location knowledge.

That said, the other person sounds like they have issues which go well beyond what you said & i would forget about it, save altering your approach a little on that group.

@Elephant I’ve learnt this the hard way. It never goes down well no matter how well intentioned or how much the attempt at light heartedness is tried. I’ve learnt in a school context to say little other than pleasantries unless they are people I know very very well.

No, not 'patronising and smug' - the castle, not a castle. This specific one, which she has visited previously

But how do you know what places orher parents have been to?! How presumptuous!!!

this and telling people to buy their own children well fitting shoes is what makes the OP come across like a smug patronising person.

WHO buys their kids ill fitting wellies?! Like who would do that?

Other mother is a nutter for sure but OP needs to mind her own business.

If she used the word patronising you missed a golden opportunity to use the best ever response to that, which is "I think you mean condescending" 😀. However that works best verbally and not in writing. It's also Grade A fuel to the fire though so not one to use lightly!

Ooh, has the Facebook post been deleted? My 5 year old went on a school trip to visit a castle on Weds. It poured with rain and the kids were cold, wet & miserable. There was a drama over wellies too as teachers decided kids shouldn't take them. Can't find a Facebook post on our group though so just a massive coincidence?!

To answer your Q though, it was maybe slightly patronising but the response was a total overreaction, and suspect other parent was just having a bad day. Don't let it bother you

Yes AbbyLee it was the teacher's infertility problems which made her remind you to send your daughter some mittens. Nothing to do with being dressed suitably for the weather . Silly teacher.

If I'd read the Facebook post I'd have probably sent my child in wellies, seeing your response would have made me rethink and send them in walking boots. Slippy steps and wellies are not a good mix, you inadvertently showed her up for giving poor advice and she's bitten back. A sensible reply from her would have been "I didn't think about the steps" and to be grateful that you didn't point out her bad advice. She sounds like a pain in the backside, there was nothing wrong with your reply.

Some people are just intent on causing ill feeling and awkward situations. I'd be staying as far away as possible from her and hoping my child didn't become her child's best friend.

I must say, my life has been much easier since DC changed schools to one where there isn't a Facebook page!

LaPampa in terms of intention, I mean this is the sort of thing I’d say in a sort of autopilot general chit chat way, rather than a thoroughly considered ‘it might be a good idea to warn them’ way. Am I regularly offending people with my day to day chatterings?! I really hope not. A few things I’ve read on mumsnet have made me a bit paranoid when it comes to social etiquette, I find myself second guessing and analysing everything I’ve said after interactions with people wondering if I may have come across a dick or patronising/rude in some way!

Perhaps op should have referred to the grip on the wellies rather than size, but to be fair, I’ve always thought wellies tend to come up a bit roomy even if they are the right size. My heel always slips up the neck of the welly when I take a step unless I’m wearing really thick socks, and mine are verging on being too small! So I think I get where she was coming from. Walking boots would probably be better in terms of stability... Anyway, if I’d read her post I’d have thought nothing of it.. it reads as nothing more than a passing comment, to my mind 🤷‍♀️

I think she has esteem issues.

I think you could have prefaced your info with 'and for anyone who hasn't been to X before.....'

@elephant no means trying to add to your paranoia! I know the feeling of analysing what you say after the fact all too well... I always give way too much detail which never goes down well. In the context of the wellies comment I don’t think it was offensive - so the other lady was OTT and projecting her own issues into it - but I think it could reasonably be seen as unnecessarily smug/ condescending / presumptious/ not her place to comment on the footwear buying habits of others etc - no matter that was not the intention. Hence I always think again and try and bite my tongue in the school playground or FB group!

Scrambledheads Ouch! I feel so strongly for you! No matter how hard you try there always seems to be someone somewhere who takes things the wrong way! I have always been as caring and careful with people as possible because I couldn't bear to hurt anyone, but I've still had this sort of reaction from time to time. It's her, not you! I know you know that, but I think it's nice when someone else confirms it! She probably does have some sort of problem. You can only do what you've already done; explain kindly. Please don't let her turn this into an upsetting to and fro, because sometimes that is what people are looking for. Often I have found, people who make the first unkind remarks are the first say some one has been mean to them! I've even seen it on Social Media! As a psychiatrist friend and colleague used to say to us, you've just bumped into an awkward person. Don't get sucked in! Helpful people like you, who are thinking of all the things that people need for a safe and happy day out, will get this sort of reaction from time to time. Think of it as a compliment! She might even be a bit jealous at the way you manage everything and are well-liked by many people!

I notice people are saying that they buy the right size wellies etc. Of course you do! I didn't think the OP was suggesting otherwise, I just thought she was trying to cover all possibilities and was very kind to think of this. Sometimes people's advice might sound a bit too fussy, but if their advice doesn't really apply to me, I usually assume the advisor has experienced the problem somewhere else and so is just being helpful. It's so easy to over-think things or take things too seriously. I really think this OP was aiming to be as helpful as she could and is one of those kind people who cares about everyone..

WHO buys their kids ill fitting wellies?! Like who would do that?

Are you kidding me? It’s been pissing down with rain most of the week and we’ve had parents letting their kids come to school with no coat on. They’d probably be the first to complain that poor little Tarquin wasn’t allowed out to play, the twats. Some people really do need it explaining to them unfortunately and as a school in a society of professional complainers and whingers you can’t do right for doing wrong.

@MsAdorabelle I think if the school does the explaining that is fine. If one of the parents does it in a parents group, I think that sets themselves up for people finding it annoying / condescending - no matter how well intentioned the comment. It really is none of our business as parents if someone else thinks wellies are the best footwear unless it negatively affects our child (say an allergy or something). We make a different decision but IMO let the school do the monitoring.

I've been re-reading replies and I have to say thank you to so many of you who have had me wetting myself laughing! You are brilliant!