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AIBU?

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Original poster

My cousins wife refusing to allow my partner to wedding

233 replies

LondonElle · 28/03/2018 14:35

A very close cousin of mine is getting married in a month.
Due to living in different parts of the country we haven’t physically seen each other for a year but regularly keep in contact via social media and phone calls.
His mum and my mum are close sisters and we have grown up together.
My current relationship started around three years ago we are engaged .. my cousin has met my partner several times and they get on very well.
However we recently got a invite to his wedding ( he’s met her 18 months ago) and only my name was on it... thinking this was a mistake I tried to get hold of him to clarify but he didn’t get back to me.
Eventually he called my mum to state that his fiancé has refused to allow my partner to attend the wedding as she’s not met him... apparently he’s very unhappy with this decision but she won’t bend and says the only way she will invite him is if we meet up... but due to work and family commitments on both sides we can’t manage to meet up before the wedding.... I suggested maybe we could meet up the evening before the wedding briefly but she can’t make it.. I can understand this as she will be very busy but the wedding is over 300 miles away and we won’t get another chance.
Do I just accept it and go alone despite the fact that all my siblings partners will be there or see if I can try and persuade her to allow him to come?

OP posts:
MacaroniPenguin · 28/03/2018 22:42

I wouldn't leave her uninvited to your wedding.

However it might be worth asking your cousin what they are expecting you to do re inviting her to your wedding or not. Is she seriously expecting you not to invite her because your fiance hasn't met her yet? Not that you'd dream of not inviting her, but it might help convey how it feels on the receiving end.

KnittingOnEmpty · 28/03/2018 22:56

What a nasty person she is - I mean fancy expecting you to travel 100s of miles on your own and spending the wedding day with all your family, siblings and their partners and without yours (who you've been with longer than she has with your cousin by the way). It's just plain thoughtless and horrible.
So don't go.

Ouicestpossible · 28/03/2018 23:03

Have you met the bride Op?

I have RTF but I only see you, your DP and the groom meeting up. Perhaps she feels that she doesn't know either of you but will have you because the groom wants you there.

Or like Doob said, there may be SFP going on you know nothing about.

LittleOwl153 · 28/03/2018 23:30

I personally wouldnt go as i would feel that the family had made some kind of judgement of my relationship - and yes i would take it personally if all my siblings partners were invited and would not enjoy the event on that basis. I certainly wouldn't be putting myself out travelling 300 miles for the occasion. I would be contacting my cousin and explaining my decision directly and saying I hoped that this didn't affect our relationship given the position he had put me in.

What do your parents and your cousins parents think about this?

I had a entertaining situation with my cousin. We are not particularly close but me and my db and he and his db are the only cousins we each have. Invites for wedding came for me (minus my husband of 3yrs together 5yrs) my brother AND his partner of 4 yrs and my mum. No kids invited - babies under 12 months were invited it turned out. (None of us had seen cousin/w2b or aunt/uncle since my wedding because of distance etc)When we questioned why not my husband - it was because the werent inviting my 13month old SN bf DD. My 3yr old niece also not invited. DB declined - couldn't afford it no-one to have dn. We declined I couldn't leave dd overnight at that point. (Uncle if not cousin were aware of dd's issues). Then I got a "sharp" email from uncle saying that I must attend and dh could come if we wished (but could not accomodate DD). I replied saying i couldnt leave Dd as he was aware so we'd have to decline. (My mum and specialist nursery were only places dd could be left at that point)
Turns out my mum had implied she wouldnt go as she would rely on us to get her there. Caused a right drama as grooms father had no family going. Eventually they decided dd could go so we dutifully trailed up there but it wasn't a great family occasion. Dd was fine with the other "small people" but the relationship was strained. Have seen them twice since in 8yrs!

SandyY2K · 29/03/2018 00:43

It's sad that your cousin is allowing this to happen. It's clear who'll be dictating things in this marriage. It's her way or the highway.

I wouldn't want to marry such a person who had to have things their way.

The bride and groom will not know everybody at their wedding. My DH and I had family coming from abroad for our wedding...it would have been ridiculous to demand I met everybody or they don't come.

Not a phrase I use personally, but some colleagues of mine would describe him as pussy wipped.

I bet if you refused to invite her to an event, she'd insist he didn't go...and he's probably agree too.

I'd decline the invite.

RavenclawRealist · 29/03/2018 00:50

I would decline the invite in these circumstances. I understand wanting to know everyone at your wedding but I don't think blanket rules work. You are in a long term relationship and overtime they will meet! You partner is as likely to be part of her life as friends who may drift overtime ect. If she wants to cut someone close to her husband from the wedding over this then that her mistake! If he lets her that's his!!

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 29/03/2018 01:12

I wouldn't mention it, I'd go. Weddings where you don't have to babysit a partner and can be fancy free are far more fun. Weddings where you don't know anyone are awful, and weddings where you have to babysit a partner who doesn't know anyone means lots of small talk.

My cousin didn't invite my boyfriend to her wedding, she had to chose between old friends to keep numbers down, I think that sorry, but this isn't about you, it's about their day.

AllNamesTakenhell · 29/03/2018 01:13

I would decline and make it clear that he is at best spineless and he is at worst controlled, which is abuse.

AllNamesTakenhell · 29/03/2018 01:16

Mountainsoutofmolehills the op has said budget and numbers aren't a problem. The bride won't invite the ops fiance purely because they haven't met which the cousin claims to disagree with. It's not just her wedding

SenecaFalls · 29/03/2018 01:29

I think it is 100% acceptable to not want to be introduced to strangers on your own wedding day.

Family of a spouse-to-be (which OP's DH is as a cousin-in-law, especially as a spouse of a close cousin) aren't really strangers just because you haven't met. I had not met DH's 85 year-old-aunt before our wedding. I was inviting my aunts and uncles and his other aunts and uncle. Would it have been acceptable to exclude her?

SenecaFalls · 29/03/2018 01:31

sorry, OP's DH-to-be (and long-term relationship)

SenecaFalls · 29/03/2018 01:34

You partner is as likely to be part of her life as friends who may drift overtime ect.

This is a good point. Of the 150 people who came to my wedding 35 years ago, I am in regular touch with about 25 of them, mostly family.

MistressDeeCee · 29/03/2018 04:44

At least you won't have to invite her to your wedding, as she won't have met your partner

Go on your own, or decline.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 29/03/2018 05:01

Just go alone. You're not joined at the hip to your other half. I would love it if if didn't have to go to some cousins wedding of my dp and was let off that hook!

Charolais · 29/03/2018 05:29

Your cousin is making a huge mistake if he marries this person.

RobinHumphries · 29/03/2018 06:20

It’s a good point someone previously has made.... have you met her OP?

Devilishpyjamas · 29/03/2018 06:50

I have often gone to family weddings alone (have a severely autistic son so no chance of attending a child free wedding - I did my family side, dh did his) - but I just couldn’t be arsed with the drama of this and would decline.

Clutterbugsmum · 29/03/2018 06:55

he says he is still working behind the scenes to sort it!, Sorry but that's rubbish. He doesn't need to work on it He just has to tell her that both you and you DP are coming as you grew up together and are HIS family and important to both him and your family.

londonrach · 29/03/2018 07:02

Go on your own or dont go. Yabu. How wedding, her choose. She not meet your partner. I didnt invite any cousins to my wedding, stopped at aunts and uncles.

TaytoAllDay · 29/03/2018 07:08

I wouldn't be petty & go alone to just not invite her to your own wedding then.

Go alone - if you don't want to disappoint your cousin, or try to orchestrate a meeting, or just don't go at all. Surely you could fit a meeting in somehow?
I understand work responsibilities etc, but you could try, just for the benefit of you & your cousins relationship x

MaisyPops · 29/03/2018 07:14

But but but! it'shiswedding too! Does this not count for her? Or is it just her wedding and he will happen to be there?
I think he needs to say that, actually. Those actual words.
I agree.
She sounds like a 'but it's MY day to be a princess and all about ME' type.

Your cousin needs a backbone soon otherwise this woman is going to be dictating every element of their marriage and he'll end up puttibg up and appeasing her because the fallout of her tantrums is wearing.

Iloveacurry · 29/03/2018 07:16

You either go by yourself or don’t go at all. Then when you get married, invite your cousin but not his wife.

Stickerrocks · 29/03/2018 07:28

Well, as anyone can attend a church wedding, you can both rock up for the main event if it is being held in a church poor public building. The bride to be can't prevent anyone from attending.once the important bit is over & done with, you can decide whether or not you wish to attend the rest alone.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 29/03/2018 07:45

"How wedding, her choose."

Their wedding, their choice, surely?

GarkandGookin · 29/03/2018 09:26

That's it exactly. It's not her wedding, it is their wedding.
And the groom has met the OP's DH and likes him.
So why can't he invite his family without her sticking her oar in?
There were people at my wedding that I had never met and have never seen since. They were old friends of DH's family that meant a lot to him as a child. It never crossed my mind to say no to inviting them just because I hadn't met them.