Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My cousins wife refusing to allow my partner to wedding

233 replies

LondonElle · 28/03/2018 14:35

A very close cousin of mine is getting married in a month.
Due to living in different parts of the country we haven’t physically seen each other for a year but regularly keep in contact via social media and phone calls.
His mum and my mum are close sisters and we have grown up together.
My current relationship started around three years ago we are engaged .. my cousin has met my partner several times and they get on very well.
However we recently got a invite to his wedding ( he’s met her 18 months ago) and only my name was on it... thinking this was a mistake I tried to get hold of him to clarify but he didn’t get back to me.
Eventually he called my mum to state that his fiancé has refused to allow my partner to attend the wedding as she’s not met him... apparently he’s very unhappy with this decision but she won’t bend and says the only way she will invite him is if we meet up... but due to work and family commitments on both sides we can’t manage to meet up before the wedding.... I suggested maybe we could meet up the evening before the wedding briefly but she can’t make it.. I can understand this as she will be very busy but the wedding is over 300 miles away and we won’t get another chance.
Do I just accept it and go alone despite the fact that all my siblings partners will be there or see if I can try and persuade her to allow him to come?

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 28/03/2018 18:30

An old friend invited me and not my DH of 10 years to his wedding

Bonkers.....!

mojito55 · 28/03/2018 18:35

I wonder if there's going to be people there on her side that your cousin hasn't met. She sounds like a knob and I wouldn't be attending.

Doobigetta · 28/03/2018 18:37

Is it possible that this isn't about you? I'm getting married soon. The wedding is child-free. We have some relatives whose children are lovely, and we'd love to have them there. We have other relatives whose children are spoiled and badly-behaved, and we would rather cancel the damned wedding than have their kids there. Of course, the first set of parents are lovely and understanding and have bent over backwards to arrange childcare. The second set have made a massive big deal out of it. Guess which set would go absolutely apeshit and cause a permanent family rift if we made exceptions for some and not them? So we have no choice but to refuse the lovely people something we'd have no problem with, just so we don't make it even worse with arseholes.

That may not be the case with your cousin, but don't jump to too many conclusions about what is going on. Rule no 1 about weddings, the bride and groom have no got chance of pleasing everyone. I definitely think it's OTT for everyone to be assuming that the relationship is abusive based on this.

SpringHen · 28/03/2018 18:45

there were people I hadnt met who were important to dh at my wedding & people he hadnt met on my side.

if youre going to restrict numbers there are more reasonable ways

Passportto · 28/03/2018 18:46

Why would he marry someone who won't let you have any say on the guest list?

Either he's actually in agreement with her and is hiding behind her or you can take your DP to his next wedding!

GreenMeerkat · 28/03/2018 18:51

We didn't invite my husband's cousins partners to our wedding. It was a joint decision however.

None of them were married or engaged at this point. I hadn't even met his cousins let alone partners and my DH couldn't even remember the partner's names. They were invited to the evening reception but not the main part of the day.

I do understand her to a point but my DH was never really close to his family or cousins so a bit different

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 28/03/2018 18:51

I thought so, yes @NataliaOsipova, especially as I'd been singled out (quite literally!) DH and I are the longest established couple of that particular group of friends. We were the first married, and most of them hadn't met their now OHs yet when we got married.

I do wonder if the other guys get to bring their wives precisely because they are guys. I'm the only female friend in that group - as in, it's me who's the groom's friend, not DH. I'm not and never have been any threat to their relationship, but I wonder if she's just one of those women who doesn't like her DH having female friends.

Not the case for the OP, though, obviously.

Idbemonica1 · 28/03/2018 18:52

Grin at what tinklylittlelaugh said.

Rawhh · 28/03/2018 18:52

She is being ridiculous. However, I get similar regularly. Me and DP have no intention of marrying atm however he is very much part of my family and I his - both attend family events etc. We are yet to both be invited to a wedding together. The kicker is when the B&G have been together less time than we have and have met the extended family less than the DP or me.

Blondephantom · 28/03/2018 18:54

I wouldn’t go as it is a huge insult to your fiancé. I think I’d send an etiquette book as a present. 😃

Original poster
LondonElle · 28/03/2018 19:00

No jealousy concerns I don’t think and it’s a rule that she has stated to everyone.... it really isn’t just me.

OP posts:
RB68 · 28/03/2018 19:05

IF you were married and she hadn't met him would it be different? Ettiquette is if there is a ring on it they are invited - engagement counts. Saves on numbers at your wedding also so double bonus

RB68 · 28/03/2018 19:05

PS send him some trousers as a present

NataliaOsipova · 28/03/2018 19:06

I think I’d send an etiquette book as a present. 😃

Greebo - you should definitely steal this idea as a Christmas present for your crazy wedding hosts!

It's just so rude. And so deliberately rude. "Good form" used to be to invite unmarried people and guest. Now, fair enough, you don't necessarily want half your wedding taken up with people you don't actually know, so then you show a bit of sensitivity about it. If you know there are several single guests, you maybe seat them together etc. And you wouldn't necessarily be obliged to invite someone's brand new boyfriend or girlfriend- although, if it's a good friend, it's nice to do so because it's much nicer to go to these things with someone else.

But to exclude - and very deliberately exclude - a family fiancé or a husband of 10 years' standing is just bloody rude. No other words for it! And I'm surprised someone else in the family hasn't pointed this out, to be honest.

BiodegradableActually · 28/03/2018 19:08

I wouldn’t go either.

To me the whole point of the party after a wedding is to entertain your guests and for everyone to come together meeting both sides’ family and friends and all celebrating together.

I wouldn’t invite anyone just to have them feel like a spare part.

ADishBestEatenCold · 28/03/2018 19:08

"You should tell your cousin that you can't make this wedding but you hope to attend his next one with your DP"

^ This .... please!!! Grin Grin Grin

Although I would also really like to know how they would respond if you asked them both how they will feel when your fiance opts not to invite your cousin's wife to your wedding, because he hasn't met her ... so if you could ask them this too, please! Grin

On a more serious note, LondonElle, I do think your cousin's fiancee could be aiming to minimise the relationship you and he have. Could be creating a little distance.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 28/03/2018 19:09

I think it is 100% acceptable to not want to be introduced to strangers on your own wedding day. Either accept her decision or decline.

JessicaJonesJacket · 28/03/2018 19:10

If it's a rule then I'd assume that despite your cousin's protestations, he is quite happy to apply the rule to other people and so his bride is saying it has to be applied to you too.
I come from the view that no-one is entitled to a wedding invite so if I was close to my cousin, I'd go to the wedding without my DP.
I don't really understand why it's an issue. They've made it clear that it isn't personal.

NataliaOsipova · 28/03/2018 19:12

I think it is 100% acceptable to not want to be introduced to strangers on your own wedding day.

It's a good job Kate Middleton didn't go with that rule - there'd potentially have been some sort of major diplomatic incident!

I agree with a poster upthread, who said the point of weddings used to be that the bride and groom got to meet each other's wider family. New boyfriend of your mate from work? Fair enough not to extend the invitation. But the fiancé of your cousin? Totally different and totally unacceptable to exclude him.

bigknickersbigknockers · 28/03/2018 19:15

I wouldn't try to persuade your cousin to invite your DP, that's just embarrassing. Just politely decline the invitation and wish them both well.

Livingtothefull · 28/03/2018 19:15

Another YANBU from me, that is such bad manners & it really isn't normal, it is standard for spouses/long term partners to be invited along as well. Up to you of course but I wouldn't feel obliged to go under these circumstances.

The only thing I can suggest is to try to talk to him & find out from him whether there is some kind of back story going on that you're not aware of.

BTW the only influence I had at our wedding over invitees from DH side of the family was to give them a number. We worked out how many family guests we were planning to have overall and agreed that each of us would invite 50% of that number of family members so we had the same numbers from each side.

So it was basically up to DH and his family to decide who they wanted to invite...I didn't get involved at all as I felt it was up to DF & family to decide who they most wanted there (they did have the sense though to include couples in invitees).

Didn't stop some DH family who were left off the guest list from complaining and blaming me from being excluded, even though this was nothing to do with me. 'Bridezilla' got the blame.

Not saying that is what is happening in your case…..but you may want to talk to him yourself (especially as you are close) to find out at first hand if anything else is going on.

OneFineDaye · 28/03/2018 19:18

I think it is 100% acceptable to not want to be introduced to strangers on your own wedding day.

Really? but..butt..bbuttt that's what happens at weddings! you're meant to meet strangers as well as your family and friends. Lots of unknown happy smiling faces all crowding round to meet you & be introduced. What's wrong with people?

Sara107 · 28/03/2018 19:20

Rude and ridiculous. There were people at my wedding I had never met before ( or since!). If your cousin knows your partner that's fine - I think it's bizarre when only one half of a couple is invited to a wedding in any circumstance tbh. I wouldn't go if my dh wasn't invited under those circumstances.

RadioGaGoo · 28/03/2018 19:22

'I think it is 100% acceptable to not want to be introduced to strangers on your own wedding day'.

Even to the disadvantage of the Groom?

SpringHen · 28/03/2018 19:23

I think it is 100% acceptable to not want to be introduced to strangers
Hmm your new husbands family arent "strangers" even if you havent physically met yet!

& did you miss the part where OP suggested a pre wedding meet up & the bride said no?