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Original poster

My cousins wife refusing to allow my partner to wedding

233 replies

LondonElle · 28/03/2018 14:35

A very close cousin of mine is getting married in a month.
Due to living in different parts of the country we haven’t physically seen each other for a year but regularly keep in contact via social media and phone calls.
His mum and my mum are close sisters and we have grown up together.
My current relationship started around three years ago we are engaged .. my cousin has met my partner several times and they get on very well.
However we recently got a invite to his wedding ( he’s met her 18 months ago) and only my name was on it... thinking this was a mistake I tried to get hold of him to clarify but he didn’t get back to me.
Eventually he called my mum to state that his fiancé has refused to allow my partner to attend the wedding as she’s not met him... apparently he’s very unhappy with this decision but she won’t bend and says the only way she will invite him is if we meet up... but due to work and family commitments on both sides we can’t manage to meet up before the wedding.... I suggested maybe we could meet up the evening before the wedding briefly but she can’t make it.. I can understand this as she will be very busy but the wedding is over 300 miles away and we won’t get another chance.
Do I just accept it and go alone despite the fact that all my siblings partners will be there or see if I can try and persuade her to allow him to come?

OP posts:
OneFineDaye · 28/03/2018 19:28

I really think some people just deserve to have a wedding day all alone. No annoying guests, nothing. Its 'all about the bride', so the bride can , eat and dance and have the whole venue to herself. If the groom is allowed to come, she might even get married.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 28/03/2018 19:31

Just politely decline the invitation and wish them both well.

Precisely. The relationship is over. Presumably your cousin is an adult and knows what he's doing.

Inkspellme · 28/03/2018 19:32

I’d gracefully decline but send a wedding card and gift. Addressed to the groom - and it would be something I would know he would like. Actually - I’d prob like to do that but in the end would just send it to them both.

Notagainmun · 28/03/2018 19:33

I am also if the opinion that she may be jealous of your closeness to your cousin and trying to drive a wedge between you by hoping you won't come in support of your DP. I would be tempted to go to piss her off, but I would probably decline.

Similar happened to my DS and his girlfriend. They had been living with us for a year to save a deposit on a house and they had been living in their new home for a few months when an invitation came from his cousin, on my DH side, for a Christening. It was addresses to DH, me and our two adult sons, both who live elsewhere. No mention of girlfriend. We all declined the invitation because of the obvious snub, instigated by my SIL who was paying. It may be petty but none of that branch of the family will be invited to DS and girlfriend's wedding.

LoveInTokyo · 28/03/2018 19:34

Someone invited me to their wedding without my other half. It was 200 miles away and on a Friday. I didn’t go.

ClinkyMonkey · 28/03/2018 19:35

I wonder if your cousin has put his foot down with regard to not having met someone on bride's side of family. Hmmmm .... probably not I reckon.

Bizarre behaviour. Your cousin certainly won't have his sorrows to seek.

I don't think I could go in those circumstances. It's a snub - personal or not, it's still a snub. I'd be quite offended.

diddl · 28/03/2018 19:35

" it’s a rule that she has stated to everyone"

So that probably means that all her sides parners will be invited?

Well, your cousin is an idiot for putting up with it imo.

Dvg · 28/03/2018 19:39

She sounds ridiculous to me.... and i wouldn't go just to make a point.

backsackcraic · 28/03/2018 19:39

Scenario:

So they get married, you go alone.

You get married, your other half still not met her despite being married to your cousin so you don't invite her to your wedding ask her how she'd feel then!

Your cousin needs to grow a pair!

Leeds2 · 28/03/2018 19:43

I wouldn't go. Nor would I want to go if your cousin manages to get his fiancée to change her mind, because you will know that they didn't actually want him there and it will make for a thoroughly uncomfortable atmosphere.

FlashTheSloth · 28/03/2018 19:50

Just out of interest, this rule she has imposed upon everyone, are there any of her side of the family that are being excluded due to this rule? Or has she conveniently met all of those partners and this is a way to exclude your cousin's family? I may be wrong of course.

I'm not usually one for saying couples have to be joined at the hip and both have to be invited to everything, but I'd probably not bother dragging myself to this wedding unless your cousin says to this cow that it's his wedding to and he absolutely gets to invite who he wants there. He sounds like a sap and she sounds controlling and ridiculous. Not a wedding I'd be inclined to celebrate really.

Oh, and please don't invite her to yours based on your DP having not met her Grin.

ThePinkOcelot · 28/03/2018 20:40

Another who just wouldn’t go.

CoffeeOrSleep · 28/03/2018 21:25

I think it is 100% acceptable to not want to be introduced to strangers - then the onus is on you to make an effort to meet all the people in your husband-to-be's family he is close enough to invite prior to setting a wedding date....

OP - the reason I said to call him and point out the level of abuse, he might think it's ok, under control etc, but to have the fact that other people are looking at it from a distance and naming it as abuse may help him to realise how far from "the norm" his relationship is.

If she is just having a 'bridezilla' moment, then perhaps being told by her groom that his family are asking him if he's in an abusive relationship might pull her up short and realise what she looks like to others. (That said, I don't believe in the 'bridezilla' thing - everyone I have heard of being a 'bridezilla' has gone on to be consistantly 'hard work' over a variety of issues, it's just weddings are high stress and expensive events so you see it in all it's glory)

StrawberryMummy90 · 28/03/2018 21:31

Is there a friend or more distant relative she’s met before?

I would say I don’t want to come alone so will bring ‘person she’s met once before’ and then actually turn up with your DP.

Honestly she sounds ridiculous.

DobbyTheFreeElf · 28/03/2018 21:38

I wouldn't go but I would send the cousin a good luck card rather than a wedding card. Grin

IAmMumWho · 28/03/2018 21:48

Don't invite her to yours when it's time. Play her game.

specialsubject · 28/03/2018 21:52

Sounds like this wedding is a bit of a waste of time....

Esker · 28/03/2018 21:53

She sounds mental! But I would go to the wedding (a) as you're so close to your cousin and (b) with a person as batshit as her, you don't want to give her any ammo for future disputes. I.e. if you don't go, she'll always hold it against you for 'snubbing' her wedding (even though it's her own fault) . So better to remain above all criticism in spite of her weird rudeness.

DangerEgg · 28/03/2018 21:57

YANBU.

Your cousin needs some gumption, wedding are NOT all about the bride and her wishes.

SauvignonBlanche · 28/03/2018 22:00

She;s ruled herself out of coming to your wedding, hasn't she?

lorelairoryemily · 28/03/2018 22:06

Personally I would decline the invitation and I would invite him on his own to your wedding when it comes around. She could hardly expect you to invite her when your fiancé hasn't met her. She sounds unpleasant.

GruffaloPants · 28/03/2018 22:13

Get in the car now, drive to theirs, wake them with some breakfast rolls from Greggs tomorrow. Stay for breakfast. Go home. Job done.

Although tbh my DP would be delighted to be excluded from a wedding. Does anyone really enjoy weddings of people they aren't personally close to?

elliejjtiny · 28/03/2018 22:20

It's a bit silly but its their wedding so they can choose who to invite. My cousin didn't invite my dh or any other cousins partners. We'd been together 15 years and married for 13. I didn't go and neither did any of my other cousins who had partners.

seabase · 28/03/2018 22:24

Sod that .... there was a post last week regarding a step mum who wasn't invited to her step daughters wedding .... bonkers ...

Don't go ... you don't need that kind of dramatics in your life ... and if your cousin thought anything of you and your relationship he would of stood up to this nonsense.

Jux · 28/03/2018 22:40

But but but! it's his wedding too! Does this not count for her? Or is it just her wedding and he will happen to be there?

I think he needs to say that, actually. Those actual words. And if she concedes it is indeed his wedding too, then he can insist that he wants you and your dp there.

God, some people. She sounds a nightmare; is he sure he wants to marry her? Wink